Moms and Maids

Unsupportive Mother and Grandmother

I got engaged just over a week ago to my boyfriend of six years. We have been living together for three years. Now my mother and grandmother (neither of which is helping at all monetarily with the wedding) are saying that I am planning an extravagant $10,000 wedding for the many family members they are making me invite. My grandmother went so far as to say that I do not "deserve" to have a nice wedding since we have already been living together! They are not paying for a single thing, (my mother claims she would pay for the whole wedding if my fiancé and I had not been living together--which is a total and complete lie. Just tell me you don't want to pay!) they have absolutely NO RIGHT to tell me what I can do with my money for my wedding. This should be a happy time when we can all rejoice and celebrate, but they are ruining this whole experience for me! Any suggestions?
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Re: Unsupportive Mother and Grandmother

  • You are absolutely right. If they aren't paying (which is perfectly fine. They have absolutely no obligation to.) They can not tell you how to spend your money. Meaning they have no say in who is invited.  Scratch the extra people from your guest list if you'd like and save yourself some money.

    From now on avoid talking to them about the wedding. I learned an awesome new term here called "bean-dipping."

    Mom/Grandmother : So how much have you spent this month on your crazy wedding?

    You: Not too much. Let me tell you about the awesome dinner I made last night!

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  • If your mother and grandmother think your wedding is over the top and you don't deserve it, why would they want to invited their friends and family members to it? Ask them.

    I agree with you 100%. Since you're paying for your own wedding, you don't have to take their comments on the details. Give them the date and time of the wedding and stop discussing the details with them. I hope your mom will change her attitude, once she realizes she has to play nice if she expects to be included. 

    IMO, your mother's behavior is appalling. Maybe your FMIL would enjoy hearing the details and sharing in the fun of planning your special day.

    Congratulations on your engagement.
                       
  • Stop talking about it with them. If they are making no financial contribution, you're not obligated to take their suggestions. 

    If they call you on it, I would say that they haven't been kind or supportive so you're choosing to not discuss details. 
  • Congrats on your engagement!

    Ditto PPs.I would just not share any of your wedding details with them, and if they ask, tell them you'd rather not share since their comments have been unsupportive. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I agree with the PPs. Just stop talking wedding with them. You don't need all that negativity, surround yourself with people who are happy and excited for you and want to share in your joy. It's a bummer that those two important women in your life are acting so horribly but perhaps once they see that you won't let their negativity cloud your wedding plans they will stop, until then just keep them out of the loop.


  • @kmmssg - brilliant!
                       
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    I got engaged just over a week ago to my boyfriend of six years. We have been living together for three years. Now my mother and grandmother (neither of which is helping at all monetarily with the wedding) are saying that I am planning an extravagant $10,000 wedding for the many family members they are making me invite. My grandmother went so far as to say that I do not "deserve" to have a nice wedding since we have already been living together! They are not paying for a single thing, (my mother claims she would pay for the whole wedding if my fiancé and I had not been living together--which is a total and complete lie. Just tell me you don't want to pay!) they have absolutely NO RIGHT to tell me what I can do with my money for my wedding. This should be a happy time when we can all rejoice and celebrate, but they are ruining this whole experience for me! Any suggestions?

    These ladies all hit the nail on the head. Your family are grumps. Eliminate them from all wedding talk and tell them why if they bring it up. Enjoy the time with your FI.
  • Thanks everyone. Knowing that my fiancé and future MIL support me is very helpful. It will be hard, but I will make every attempt to have the people I want at the wedding I want without any interference from the negative attitudes!
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  • Congratulations!

    Just remember that they will be your wedding guests, and may get VIP seating during the wedding, but that is it! That is their whole role in your wedding. If your mailman started giving you advice about your wedding you would nod, smile, and walk away. Do the same to your mom and grandma.



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  • edited June 2013
                       
  • Too far @MairePoppy!

     That one goes too far!



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  • That couldn't be real, could it? I agree, I went too far. You win.
                       
  • Update: After informing my mother that my FI and I booked our honeymoon at an all-inclusive, she booked herself a vacation at the same place...during my honeymoon! She won't be there the whole time at least. But she always seems to need to outdo at, even for my own wedding! I understand that the honeymoon is not "my day" anymore. But my mom has always been anti all-inclusive...until I tell her that we are doing one. So great, my mom will be at my honeymoon.
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  • Update: After informing my mother that my FI and I booked our honeymoon at an all-inclusive, she booked herself a vacation at the same place...during my honeymoon! She won't be there the whole time at least. But she always seems to need to outdo at, even for my own wedding! I understand that the honeymoon is not "my day" anymore. But my mom has always been anti all-inclusive...until I tell her that we are doing one. So great, my mom will be at my honeymoon.

    you can't be serious! Yikes. Can you go somewhere else? That's totally unacceptable. Wtf? If you're not completely locked in, I would book somewhere else and not tell her.
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    Update: After informing my mother that my FI and I booked our honeymoon at an all-inclusive, she booked herself a vacation at the same place...during my honeymoon! She won't be there the whole time at least. But she always seems to need to outdo at, even for my own wedding! I understand that the honeymoon is not "my day" anymore. But my mom has always been anti all-inclusive...until I tell her that we are doing one. So great, my mom will be at my honeymoon.


    NOW have you learned your lesson to not share info with your mom and grandma?  I would change the honeymoon in a heartbeat and not tell her about it. There is no way I would let those plans stand just so I could keep my distance from her.

    Is changing your honeymoon an option?  Your mother has hit quite a low here.

  • Call the honeymoon destination and/or travel agent immediately!  Tell them what just happened and ask if you can transfer your deposit to another resort or change the dates of your travel at the same resort.  That is crazy!  Why would your mom think its ok to tag along on your honeymoon?  And if you can't change your plans and you run into your mom, just tell her your sorry that you can't hang out with her now, you and H are off to have more sex!  That will keep her away from you two!
  • cruffino said:
    Update: After informing my mother that my FI and I booked our honeymoon at an all-inclusive, she booked herself a vacation at the same place...during my honeymoon! She won't be there the whole time at least. But she always seems to need to outdo at, even for my own wedding! I understand that the honeymoon is not "my day" anymore. But my mom has always been anti all-inclusive...until I tell her that we are doing one. So great, my mom will be at my honeymoon.
    you can't be serious! Yikes. Can you go somewhere else? That's totally unacceptable. Wtf? If you're not completely locked in, I would book somewhere else and not tell her.
    Congrats on your engagement- try to enjoy it and don't discuss the details of your wedding too much with your Mom or Grandma.  And if you have to, lie.

    How in the hell did she know the dates to book?  Did you tell her?  Call the resort or travel agent you used immediately and ask to move the reservations to a different date and then DO NOT TELL YOUR MOM THE NEW DATE!!!!!

    Or try and move your reservations to another resort in the area.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Update: After informing my mother that my FI and I booked our honeymoon at an all-inclusive, she booked herself a vacation at the same place...during my honeymoon! She won't be there the whole time at least. But she always seems to need to outdo at, even for my own wedding! I understand that the honeymoon is not "my day" anymore. But my mom has always been anti all-inclusive...until I tell her that we are doing one. So great, my mom will be at my honeymoon.
    If it's not too late, rebook your honeymoon somewhere else.  And stop talking to your mother about your wedding plans.  She is always going to undermine you.
  • I thought things were going better. We sat down and had a heart to heart about her behavior. She said she would be better and that she was in fact happy for us. She asked if there was anything she could do to help, to that I told her "no, I have everything covered." I had bean dipped quite a bit, but she often turned the topic back to wedding. I never in my wildest dreams thought something like this would happen...ever...to anyone. I have taken y'all's advice. Unfortunately, plane tickets are non transferable, but we were about to move our reservation to another resort in the same town. Ugh. (Must remember...bean dip like crazy, if that doesn't work cheese dip, ranch dip, artichoke dip, taco dip, salsa, anything)
    Glad you can at least switch resorts.  Have you told your mom how you feel about her booking the same place as your honeymoon?  Even after your heart to heart, she has disrespected you and FI, IMO.  From now on, I would say this to your mom if she asks about the wedding.  "Mom, I'm sorry.  But I refuse to talk about the wedding with you because you have not respected FI or I in this.  The last straw was you booking a vacation for the same resort and time frame as our honeymoon.  So for now on our wedding plans are private until you see them first hand at the wedding."  Then keep repeating that until she finally stops asking.  I'm sorry your mom is being such a pain in this.
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