Suck it up or Stick to my opinion?

jessieloowho · January 2014

I am getting married in a few months and I'm absolutely stressed to the max! My fiance just took a job with a company that is about 500 miles away from my hometown, but close to his. I have never wanted to move away from home, as I am very close to my family. He isn't, and speaks to his parents over the phone maybe once every week or two. I was just recently laid off from job, but won't be moving with my fiance until we get married because I don't really believe in moving in together before marriage and I also want to enjoy being with my family until we move so far away.
Because of the new job, he is of course stressed too. And planning a wedding when you're 500 miles away from your fiance doesn't help the matter any. When he took his new job, he told his boss that he would be going on his honeymoon. They understood, of course. He has now found out that he only has 3 days of paid vacation and doesn't want to take 2 days off, without the pay because of me not having a job to help contribute with bills right away. ( Plus he's scared that his boss will see him as not being responsible, which I think is ridiculous.) There is a lot of money in savings and I'm assuming that we will be getting money as wedding gifts; we also are being gifted the honeymoon, but he still thinks we will need the money and that we shouldn't take anymore just for a honeymoon.
I feel as though I'm already compromising so much in just moving away. I think that I deserve a honeymoon with my new husband that has been away for nearly 2 of 4 years together, after planning this hugely stressful wedding and then having to move. I told him that I wanted to wait to get married until we could take a real honeymoon together and he thinks that is ridiculous. He says we can wait a few months and take one after he earns his vacation time. That would be fine if it were just vacation, but its our honeymoon. We only get to do this once, right? Plus, I hope to have a job once he earns this time. How can I explain that I am taking a week to go on a honeymoon after I've actually been married for 6 months?
Am I wrong in asking this from him and should I just suck it up and not go on a honeymoon? Or do I need to insist that we take our honeymoon and we take it when were married?

Blergbot · January 2014

Lots of people go on their honeymoon at a later date. Sometimes a year later. I wouldn't stress about that.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Your Fi is right that people take their honeymoons later all the time, and it's very normal. But it bothers me that he doesn't seem to be listening to you. 2 unpaid days is not that big of a deal in the scheme of things, especially when you can easily afford the wedding and the honeymoon is a gift. Is he really that worried that his job will think he's irresponsible? Is he concerned about using up all three vacation days in one week and not having one to keep in his back pocket for later? Talk to him about whether there are underlying issues here, because it sure seems like he's making a mountain out of a molehill.

emmyg65 · January 2014

I've never worked in an industry where taking unpaid time off was acceptable, unless you're terribly ill or have a baby or something. Since he's new in his job, I understand your fiancé's desire to make a good impression.

It sucks to not be able to honeymoon immediately after your wedding, but sometimes that's just how it goes. Life is unpredictable and we have to make sacrifices (like moving away from our parents). Things are rarely picture-perfect. Being married (or in a serious, committed relationship) just makes things trickier because you have to compromise a lot.

melbelleup · January 2014

jessieloowho said:

I am getting married in a few months and I'm absolutely stressed to the max! My fiance just took a job with a company that is about 500 miles away from my hometown, but close to his. I have never wanted to move away from home, as I am very close to my family. He isn't, and speaks to his parents over the phone maybe once every week or two. I was just recently laid off from job, but won't be moving with my fiance until we get married because I don't really believe in moving in together before marriage and I also want to enjoy being with my family until we move so far away.
Because of the new job, he is of course stressed too. And planning a wedding when you're 500 miles away from your fiance doesn't help the matter any. When he took his new job, he told his boss that he would be going on his honeymoon. They understood, of course. He has now found out that he only has 3 days of paid vacation and doesn't want to take 2 days off, without the pay because of me not having a job to help contribute with bills right away. ( Plus he's scared that his boss will see him as not being responsible, which I think is ridiculous.) There is a lot of money in savings and I'm assuming that we will be getting money as wedding gifts; we also are being gifted the honeymoon, but he still thinks we will need the money and that we shouldn't take anymore just for a honeymoon.
I feel as though I'm already compromising so much in just moving away. I think that I deserve a honeymoon with my new husband that has been away for nearly 2 of 4 years together, after planning this hugely stressful wedding and then having to move. I told him that I wanted to wait to get married until we could take a real honeymoon together and he thinks that is ridiculous. He says we can wait a few months and take one after he earns his vacation time. That would be fine if it were just vacation, but its our honeymoon. We only get to do this once, right? Plus, I hope to have a job once he earns this time. How can I explain that I am taking a week to go on a honeymoon after I've actually been married for 6 months?
Am I wrong in asking this from him and should I just suck it up and not go on a honeymoon? Or do I need to insist that we take our honeymoon and we take it when were married?

I feel like your being a little needy and snobish. Don't hate me, or do.. but I moved 8 hours away from my hometown, 4 states away, over 500 miles away and I wasn't even proposed to yet. I moved because I love my FI and I knew I wanted to be with him regardless of my life being turned upside down. I left my job in PA, my family, my friends, my dogs (who are my life) and packed my bags and headed to NC. I also did not have a job for over a month after the move. Bills were hard, we don't have money saved up, other than money we started saving for the wedding after he proposed.

That being said, I do think you two need to talk. It sounds like you have a HUGE issue with this move. If you're not 100% sure of it, you might want to talk to him about it more. Although I only talk to my parents once a week, I still consider myself close with my family. I also Skype a lot with my friends and family. I eventually moved one of my dogs down to NC with me and got a puppy on top of that. I think you really need to look at the pros to the move instead of the negative.

Now about your honeymoon... I think you should tell him it means a lot to you and that you guys can handle 2 days unpaid without it hurting too much. I would go as far as breaking down to what he makes each day at work. Though, I lose $250 if I take 2 days unpaid... which is the minimum I put away for my wedding each month (I get paid monthly) so to me, two days unpaid would hurt.. BAD. Like others said, you could always go later on. He could also talk to his boss and see if they can come up with something. Maybe he could make those two days up on his days offs (come in Sat and Sun the next week?)

jessieloowho · January 2014

I do need to say that I have supported his decision to move back up north and I constantly try to encourage him, even if I do not agree with it. I do not resent him (even though it may have sounded that way, as I was a little upset when writing this post). I understand the compromises that a successful marriage requires, which is, of course, why I have somehow let him talk me into this crazy adventure. LOL
I would be a little more ok with waiting for the honeymoon if I thought we would actually go. I think that if we wait, we will never be able to; I think that he will always say that it's a bad time.
Thanks for all of the great advice, ladies!

EverAfer · January 2014

I convinced FH that we can take a honeymoon in Dec. Our wedding is in July. I am a type A worry wart. I plan everything for us, which is fine by both of us. Knowing that I'll take time out to hang with OOT guests, I don't want to take extra time right away for the honeymoon. Or to plan a wedding, entertain OOT which include his extended family I'm meeting for the first time, and take that much time out of work would stress me.

So we sat down and discussed when we would take a honeymoon and where so he knows, we're definitely going on a honeymoon. If you're worried that it won't happen, talk to him about when, where, and how much money you're both willing to set aside.

AddieCake · January 2014

We haven't taken our honeymoon yet, and we got married almost 2 years ago. I get irritated when people act like it's SO awful that they can't take their honeymoon right away.

WinstonsGirl · January 2014

We didn't even plan our HM until after we were married. We weren't sure if we were going to take one or not (we did a DW, so we were already away). We went about 4 months after the wedding. Some people I know never get around to taking one. Take it when it works for you and your FI

natswild · January 2014

How about taking a mini moon right after the wedding, then planning a kick ass one later?

melbelleup · January 2014

jessieloowho said:

I do need to say that I have supported his decision to move back up north and I constantly try to encourage him, even if I do not agree with it. I do not resent him (even though it may have sounded that way, as I was a little upset when writing this post). I understand the compromises that a successful marriage requires, which is, of course, why I have somehow let him talk me into this crazy adventure. LOL
I would be a little more ok with waiting for the honeymoon if I thought we would actually go. I think that if we wait, we will never be able to; I think that he will always say that it's a bad time.
Thanks for all of the great advice, ladies!

I would plan it out ahead of time then. Figure out when would be good for him, no ifs ands or buts, and start planning, figure out where you want to go, hotel prices etc. and see how much money you'd need and go from there.

lyndausvi · January 2014

I think it's funny you think it might be hard to tell new employer you need time off after 6 months, but you don't see the same a problem for your FI, who is in that situation now, asking for extra time off. Since he is the only one who currently has a job I would think that holds a little weight right now. Not that HE holds the weight, but that protecting the only job between the two of you is important.

I would have a mini-moon and then take a longer one later. IF you find and job and AFTER you get an offer explain you already have vacation booked. Most employers understand new hires may already have pre-estisting plans, but ONLY when it's announced between when you accept and your start date. Once you already start it's starts getting tricky.

Oh and pre-estisting plans does not mean to me "we may need time to take time in August". It means "we have tickets bought, leaving on Aug 1 and returning Aug 7". Employers react better to firm plans than vague ones.

Jessa617 · January 2014

I took my honeymoon 8 months after we got married. We wanted to wait until we had the money and until H had his vacation time. There's no rule that says you have to leave the night of your wedding for a honeymoon.

Plus, if you wait, you have time to change your name (if you're going to) and get a new passport. That way it truly is a honeymoon! You are Mrs. FI officially.

vt&dt · January 2014

I think you and FI can compromise. Could he only take half the day off the day before the wedding, and then take off the Monday after? I guess I'm assuming your wedding is Saturday....

I think a couple of days to go somewhere not too far away (3-4 hour drive) and getting a nice room at a hotel and going out for a couple of nice dinners, sleeping in, relaxing - could serve as an immediate honeymoon, and then when he has more time off available and is more established in his job, and you are more established as well, take a longer vacation.

I think his concerns are valid and that you can come to a good compromise here. Also, if you're not living together now, won't it be exciting to start that new routine/etc in your life? If I didn't live with FI already, I might not want a long honeymoon right away because I would be so excited for regular life living together.

jessieloowho · January 2014

He actually did tell them when he was hired that he would be getting married on X day and they said that they were fine with it. Which is why I'm wondering why he can't have those days off if he was already somewhat promised them. But I did think about when I get a job, just saying, "I will be gone X-X for a vacation that is already paid for, is that going to be a problem?"

jessieloowho · January 2014

Also, a short honeymoon probably won't be possible at the time. I live approx 4 hours from everything that is remotely interesting, and to actually get somewhere and enjoy it before having to turn around and come back then pack the car (with my belongings to finish moving) to drive 10+ hours to our new home and him be ready to go back to work at 6 am the next day would be a little overwhelming for both of us and I don't think we could enjoy ourselves. Unfortunately, I think we will just have wait to go somewhere all at once.

Sorry to sound like a drama queen to most of you. I truly am not. I think I am just stressed with the planning process, and knowing that I am moving to a completely different area in just a few months terrifies me! Sometimes when you're stressed, the small things seem to be the ones that make you crazy

lyndausvi · January 2014

Moving to a new town into a new place with your new husband can be very romantic on it's own.

As far as the your FI's job, yes they know he is getting married, but did he specifically ask off for the honeymoon. Sure most people have a HM directly after the wedding, but they are not mind readers. It sounds like he only asked for the wedding time off and not the HM.

I have no idea what his line of work is but only he is in the position to know if taking a week off at that time is good idea or not. Certain jobs have times of the year where taking off is not a good idea. My DH is interviewing for a job where he would not get a day off from June 15 until mid-Sept. However, he will get the entire month of May off and most of Oct and Nov. Other jobs look down on taking anytime off the first year even if it's been already somewhat approved.

Good luck. It will all work out. My BFF took a mini-moon to a BB an hour away. 8 months later they took a 5 week trip to Europe. It was not possible for them to take that much time off when they got married.

Bashley20062 · January 2014

It can be tough and awkward to ask for time off right when you start a job, but if you have plans then make them known. When I first started my current job I already had a cruise planned and paid for. I was upfront about it in my interview and let them know I needed the time off. I think they appreciated the fact that I was so upfront about it.

My finance is the same way with not wanting to take unpaid time off or make himself look unreliable, so I understand that. It seems that you guys need to sit down and come to a compromise. I originally wanted to take a honeymoon right after the wedding (which is in July), but my FI wanted to take one in the winter (since we planned to go somewhere tropical). We compromised and plan to take a mini honeymoon right after the wedding to somewhere close by and then go on our full honeymoon in February.

I think the most important thing is for you guys to put all concerns out on the table. Let him know your fears of not going on your HM if you don't go right away and make sure to acknowledge his concerns about work. I hope it all works out for you!

renegade gaucho · January 2014

I agree with your fiance that it's unwise to take unpaid days off work from a fairly new job when one of you is unemployed. I understand your disappointment that the way things are working out is less than ideal- that's completely valid- but you have to accept that it's just part of life and you need to be flexible. My husband and I ended up not taking the honeymoon we'd been planning until four years after our wedding due to a difficult family situation and other expenses that took priority. When you're an adult, there are always going to be job schedules, finances, health issues, and other obligations and responsibilities to work around. Again, it's perfectly valid to be disappointed about it, but it's not the end of the world if you can't take a trip right after the wedding.

CLI242009 · January 2014

FI and I are doing the whole wait a year. We're both using our PTO for the wedding. So we're going to wait a year and save up. Then do a cruise of some kind. So yes it's very normal now a days.

lc07 · January 2014

We never got to take a honeymoon. I wish we could have. But there were other things in life that had to take priority. It's really just a vacation. No one is entitled to one. I apologize if I sound bitchy, we have had a lot of shitty things come up in life lately so complaining about not being able to take a honeymoon makes me roll my eyes a little. I know you want a romantic trip with your husband, and you've likely been really looking forward to it. But please try to keep in perspective that your fiance's job is not keeping you from getting married which is the important part. A honeymoon is an extra. And you can do something lovely and romantic with three days off.

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