Date Dilemma

bgali91 · January 2014

My fiancé and I have been engaged a month. I just graduated from college, and he graduates in May. We had planned to get married in June 2016, and our parents were fine with that since it would give us time to find jobs and save money. Then my mom says that 2016 won't work because she wants to do something super special for the 40th wedding anniversary to my dad. I understand that completely. However, my fiancé and I do not want to postpone our wedding until 2017, and his parents are wary about that too. We are wary because his career is ultimately not in the area we are settling in after we get married, and we planned to move in 2017. I don't want to get married and move cities in the same year, I'm an only child and that would just be too hard on me. We want to get married June 2015 (I teach so a wedding any other time is off limits) and we are unsure how to proceed with discussing this with our families. There is some bad blood between our families so this is much stickier than it should be. Any and all advice is appreciated.

CLI242009 · January 2014

I'm only assuming and please correct me if I'm wrong, but do you get the summer months off or just June? I ask this since you said you were a teacher, most teachers get the summer months off. Could you have the wedding in a different month of the summer time?

bgali91 · January 2014

July isn't an option because it would interfere with getting ready to go back to work, and I would start back the second week of August. That's the way it tends to work in my area of the country.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

CLI242009 said:

I'm only assuming and please correct me if I'm wrong, but do you get the summer months off or just June? I ask this since you said you were a teacher, most teachers get the summer months off. Could you have the wedding in a different month of the summer time?

Why can't you get married during the school year? I don't get these statements from teachers on the boards- the rest of us work the entire year and we manage to be able to get married, lol.

Is it because you don't get vacation time because you have three months off every year?

bgali91 said:

My fiancé and I have been engaged a month. I just graduated from college, and he graduates in May. We had planned to get married in June 2016, and our parents were fine with that since it would give us time to find jobs and save money. Then my mom says that 2016 won't work because she wants to do something super special for the 40th wedding anniversary to my dad. I understand that completely. However, my fiancé and I do not want to postpone our wedding until 2017, and his parents are wary about that too. We are wary because his career is ultimately not in the area we are settling in after we get married, and we planned to move in 2017. I don't want to get married and move cities in the same year, I'm an only child and that would just be too hard on me. We want to get married June 2015 (I teach so a wedding any other time is off limits) and we are unsure how to proceed with discussing this with our families. There is some bad blood between our families so this is much stickier than it should be. Any and all advice is appreciated.

Just like we tell brides they only get one day, well your mom only gets one day to celebrate her anniversary. I don't think it's fair of her to call dibs on all of 2016 just because she wants to throw an anniversary bash for your dad. As long as your wedding isn't on the same day as her party, who cares?

Are your parents contributing financially to your wedding and is that her concern?

You and your FI should decide on what year you wish to have your wedding and a rough time frame on when you want to get married and then just let your parents and VIPs know that is what you plan to do. You can't set an exact date until you book your ceremony and venue site, so don't worry about specific dates until you begin researching those venues.

If your families throw a fit and have no legitimate reason as to why they can't be available for that time frame, tell them you hope they can make the wedding. But don't try to be overly accommodating of them for stupid reasons- such as no wedding in 2016 because of an anniversary party.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

bgali91 said:

My fiancé and I have been engaged a month. I just graduated from college, and he graduates in May. We had planned to get married in June 2016, and our parents were fine with that since it would give us time to find jobs and save money. Then my mom says that 2016 won't work because she wants to do something super special for the 40th wedding anniversary to my dad. I understand that completely. However, my fiancé and I do not want to postpone our wedding until 2017, and his parents are wary about that too. We are wary because his career is ultimately not in the area we are settling in after we get married, and we planned to move in 2017. I don't want to get married and move cities in the same year, I'm an only child and that would just be too hard on me. We want to get married June 2015 (I teach so a wedding any other time is off limits) and we are unsure how to proceed with discussing this with our families. There is some bad blood between our families so this is much stickier than it should be. Any and all advice is appreciated.

I'm going to say the same thing to you that we say to brides all the time -- you get ONE DAY. In this case, that applies to your mother. She gets ONE DAY (or one week, if it's a travel thing) to celebrate her wedding anniversary. She doesn't get the whole freaking MONTH.

It's great that your mother wants to do something super special with your father to celebrate 40 years of marriage. That something super special does not get to include derailing her daughter's wedding plans.

If the issue is money -- your parents have said they'll pay for your wedding and now want to spend that money on their anniversary -- that's fine, just plan the wedding you and your FI can afford without contribution from your parents.

But if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your mother, "Mom, FI and I have set a date for June 2016. I know your anniversary is X date, so we didn't pick that, but we have set a date and we're serious about it."

You mention bad blood between your families -- if you give in to your parents on this, expect that bad blood to continue with your FILs, who feel like they're playing second fiddle to your parents.

SBmini · January 2014

Well, she needs a whole month to get ready for school and her mom needs a whole month to celebrate her 40th wedding anniversary. Both are a little overkill, IMO.

Regardless of the month, I don't understand why it would be a problem to move it up a year. That's still 18 months away and you guys are paying, right? So what's the problem. One of the hardest parts of wedding planning (IMO) is when people who are not the bride and groom want everything to be as convenient as possible for them. It's not about them. I think it is damn right ridiculous that your mom wants to take an entire month off the table for you because of her own wedding anniversary. But if she's making that demand, then she has no place to be upset if what you chose isn't her first choice.

tawillers · January 2014

I'm assuming the mom wanting to throw an anniversary bash is significant in that paying for that AND a wedding in the same year would be pretty tough.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

6fsn · January 2014

I guess I assumed the 40th celebration was some sort of trip. I could see that being expensive and could mess up several weekends.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Yeah, I'm incredibly confused by this. OP, are your parents paying? Is that why they are so involved with picking the date? How is it that your mom can say the entire year of 2016 doesn't work? You sound extremely dependent on your parents and (ahem) maybe not mature enough yet to make big decisions like getting married, if you are letting your parents trample all over you. *putting on flame suit* Part of getting married is becoming your own family with Fi and standing up for yourself, including with your families of origin.

As a former teacher, I still don't understand teachers who say they can't get married during the school year. I taught for two years with Teach for America in an inner city district and totally would have had time for a wedding. One of my best friends did exactly that: small wedding on a weekend (during her first year of teaching!), didn't even take a day off of work. You just wait for a school break to take your honeymoon, because you don't get discretionary vacation. As for the summer: I think that very first summer while I was going through intensive training and getting ready to teach for the first time, I would not have had time to get married. Especially because TFA owns your soul that first summer. But my second summer or any other summer after that? I absolutely could have gotten married. OR, during the school year would have also worked. You don't need a full month to get ready. What are you possibly preparing, full time, for a whole month?

clarke10 · January 2014

That's quite the celebration your parents are having that its taking the entire summer.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah, I'm incredibly confused by this. OP, are your parents paying? Is that why they are so involved with picking the date? How is it that your mom can say the entire year of 2016 doesn't work? You sound extremely dependent on your parents and (ahem) maybe not mature enough yet to make big decisions like getting married, if you are letting your parents trample all over you. *putting on flame suit* Part of getting married is becoming your own family with Fi and standing up for yourself, including with your families of origin.

As a former teacher, I still don't understand teachers who say they can't get married during the school year. I taught for two years with Teach for America in an inner city district and totally would have had time for a wedding. One of my best friends did exactly that: small wedding on a weekend (during her first year of teaching!), didn't even take a day off of work. You just wait for a school break to take your honeymoon, because you don't get discretionary vacation. As for the summer: I think that very first summer while I was going through intensive training and getting ready to teach for the first time, I would not have had time to get married. Especially because TFA owns your soul that first summer. But my second summer or any other summer after that? I absolutely could have gotten married. OR, during the school year would have also worked. You don't need a full month to get ready. What are you possibly preparing, full time, for a whole month?

Seconded.

bgali91 · January 2014

Tawilers hit the nail on the spot. Everyone is hit hard by the economy, and my family and my grooms family are no exceptions to that rule. For one thing about June, our school year doesn't end for my mom until around Father's Day, as she is a clerk, and for me, it would be just a little earlier. My family tends to hold reunions in July, my birthday is in July, and since my mother and I have to start back for staff development very early into August and we tend to try to get everything in order to go back at the end of July, June is the best option. Since I am an only child my parents are having issues with me leaving, again there is a lot of bad blood. So right now I am still trying to keep the peace while standing my ground, and that means getting married in the summer instead of earlier, like in March 2015 during spring break like I had originally wanted.

pinkcow13 · January 2014

I'm still confused. Who is paying for this wedding? If you guys are - which I am assuming since you mentioned that you will get married once you have jobs and whatnot, then you can have the wedding whenever you want. You and your FI get one day, your parents get one day. Your parents have to get over the fact that you will be leaving, did they expect you to live at home forever? Plus June 2016 is over 2 years away, so much can happen. You may not even be teaching at that point! You said you just graduated college - most college grads these days change jobs and careers more than they change outfits. I would say you're an adult, stand firm. If you want to get married June 2016, do it. as long as it is not on your parents anniversary, it's all good. Don't change the date just because your parents tell you to.

bgali91 · January 2014

The hope is that our parents and us will split the cost as evenly as possible. I actually just confirmation of a sub position today at a local high school. And because of my parents anniversary, we have to change the date, and we would rather push it forward a year instead of back a year. My passion is teaching and working with students, I hope to teach as long as I am able to. My relationship with my parents is bad, and I'm trying to keep the peace by doing what they say. If I try to look out for mine or my fiancé's future, my parents tell me I'm being selfish and immature and threaten to disown me. It is incredibly difficult to be an adult when my parents are acting like kids and preventing me from living my own life.

Viczaesar · January 2014

bgali91 said:

The hope is that our parents and us will split the cost as evenly as possible. I actually just confirmation of a sub position today at a local high school. And because of my parents anniversary, we have to change the date, and we would rather push it forward a year instead of back a year. My passion is teaching and working with students, I hope to teach as long as I am able to. My relationship with my parents is bad, and I'm trying to keep the peace by doing what they say. If I try to look out for mine or my fiancé's future, my parents tell me I'm being selfish and immature and threaten to disown me. It is incredibly difficult to be an adult when my parents are acting like kids and preventing me from living my own life.

What does that mean? Have they offered to pay for part of your wedding? If so, did they indicate how much they would each be willing to pay?

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

bgali91 said:
The hope is that our parents and us will split the cost as evenly as possible. I actually just confirmation of a sub position today at a local high school. And because of my parents anniversary, we have to change the date, and we would rather push it forward a year instead of back a year. My passion is teaching and working with students, I hope to teach as long as I am able to. My relationship with my parents is bad, and I'm trying to keep the peace by doing what they say. If I try to look out for mine or my fiancé's future, my parents tell me I'm being selfish and immature and threaten to disown me. It is incredibly difficult to be an adult when my parents are acting like kids and preventing me from living my own life.

This is a HUGS ENORMOUS RED FLAG problem.

If you keep the peace by giving them what they want, they will believe they can keep doing this and getting their own way.

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to put your foot down and tell you parents you will do what's best for you and your FI, and they can like that or not, but it won't change anything,

Let them threaten to disown you. Call their bluff. But don't give in and don't change your plans to suit them.

They're only preventing you from living your own life because you let them. Stop letting them.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

bgali91 said:

The hope is that our parents and us will split the cost as evenly as possible. What hope? Did they offer to pay and did you discuss budget? I actually just confirmation of a sub position today at a local high school. Sub positions do not always, or even mostly, lead to full-time positions. Why are you planning around a job you don't have yet? And because of my parents anniversary, we have to change the date, No you don't. You are choosing to accommodate your parents. You don't HAVE to do anything. and we would rather push it forward a year instead of back a year. My passion is teaching and working with students, I hope to teach as long as I am able to. Awesome. I hope you're able to do that. First step is actually securing a full-time contracted position. My relationship with my parents is bad, and I'm trying to keep the peace by doing what they say. This doesn't work: you're just teaching them that if they treat you poorly and boss you around, they'll get what they want. You're giving them positive reinforcement right now. If I try to look out for mine or my fiancé's future, my parents tell me I'm being selfish and immature and threaten to disown me. Disown you from what? You're an adult. They don't own you. It is incredibly difficult to be an adult when my parents are acting like kids and preventing me from living my own life. It's incredibly difficult to be an adult when you're acting like a child. Your parents are acting like possessive jerks; you are acting like a child doing whatever your parents say.

Everything is wrong with this.

Yeah this sounds harsh, sorry not sorry. You sound like a child and I'm getting really mama bear right now about you having to go into a classroom and own that classroom as the adult in the room.

A few words of advice. If your parents are already acting this controlling, appeasing them will not work. Don't take their money. Plan the wedding you and Fi can afford without your parents' assistance, then you don't need to deal with their bs.

CLI242009 · January 2014

OP, from someone whose mother was very controlling this is the advice I can give you: You are better off without them in your life. I have not been disowned nor have I disowned my family but I only speak to them when I have to. (Holidays, birthdays, special occasions, etc.)

Ever since moving away from them I am happier, healthier and don't feel like crap. I don't have to put up with their BS. If this is how they are treating you, it's not right.

Pay for your own wedding and just invite them. Simple as that.

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