Discussion over

chelsholc · January 2014

I've decided I no longer need advice on this topic. I've figured out my solution. Thanks to those who left actual advice and not just criticism. Appreciate it.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

chelsholc said:

I know. I know... It's terrible to even admit that I'm thinking this but I can't help it.

So I have 5 BM's along with my MOH... Every single one of them, besides the oddball of the group (don't know how else to put it), I've known for at least 10 years. They are my best friends and even though we don't see each other often we constantly call, text, e-mail and do "girlfriend dinners" about once a month. It makes it a little easier because 3 of them went to high school with me, my MOH has been my best friend since we were 6 so she has known them almost as long as I have. What I love most about these girls is that they're SWEET, nice, lady-like, positive and driven women. When we go out, EVERYONE in the group is having a ball, we can talk to each other individually or as a group and it's never a dull moment.... I couldn't imagine getting married without these girls by my side.

Now onto the "oddball." I've known her for as long as I've known my Fiance (6 1/2 years), we all started working at the same restaurant around the same time... Of course she was one of the first to know I had the hots for this new guy and she helped me play my cards right to bag him. I loved having her as my friend, she's super funny, she's pretty and she cares a lot about the people she loves and would do anything for them... The more I got to know her though, the more I noticed that she was pretty dramatic and very jealous. She has a sailor's mouth, which isn't a bad thing but there's times when you shouldn't use certain words, and she'll let everyone know she's no doormat. I felt bad for things that would happen to her but it just became so often and she "never does anything wrong" that I started to see that a lot of it she brings on herself. She has a short temper, she gets attitude very quickly and assumes everyone is against her. It gets very annoying having to defend friends and even strangers just so she'll stop talking about the "Bi**** who cut her off" or whatever it is that day. We've grown apart due to her growing negativity that she brings around with her and my FI can't stand her for more than an hour. We can never have a happy conversation, it always goes back to whatever drama she's dealing with at the moment. It's exhausting, really.

Anyway, the reason I asked her to be a BM in the first place was because I know she loves me and my fiance and she even said a couple years back, "I don't have to be your MOH but PLEASE PLEASE let me be one of your BM's." So of course I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I asked her. That which has been asked cannot be unasked- unless you want to end this friendship entirely. A couple weeks later was the Bridal Extravaganza in my area and I asked all the girls to mark their calendars. She was the only one who couldn't get off of work for it and so I went with the rest of my group and it was a blast! They were all so happy and giddy for me, I loved the excitement from them, it made me even more excited. It was a great bonding experience for us all. I tried talking about the experience (leaving out the bonding and fun so I wouldn't make her feel bad) but that didn't last as I was having this convo with another one of my BM's present. She said how much fun it was and it was so cool because the whole group was there and the oddball cut her off and said, "no. the whole party wasn't there.. I wasn't there" and my BM corrected herself and apologized. Me and oddball drove home together later that night and she said "I don't know if she meant to but she really made me feel bad about not being there.. I really hope she didn't mean to because it hurt my feelings." And I told her of course not... she's not like that at all and it just went silent. Come to think of it, the last handful of times we've hung out it's silent and I'm extremely bored because I'm the only one making conversation that isn't negative or drama-filled. It's like we've grown apart more so than ever and I'm starting to regret asking her because now it feels like the only reason I asked her was to make her happy... not because I couldn't get married without her by my side.. Whoops! You made a mistake, but you can't remove her from your bridal party now.

So I'm at a loss.. I would love to mend the relationship but she is so stuck in her ways and can't take any form of criticism without a meltdown that I don't think it's possible to have a mature conversation about her actions. I just don't want to be S.O.L at one of my showers or bachelorette party with a wet blanket who thinks she's being left out or attacked. My wedding is still ways away and yes I broke the "6 months before the wedding" rule but it's because I knew the 5 out of the 6 would be there for sure.

Anyone go through this themselves, or any words of wisdom about how to approach this convo? I should add that yesterday she told me "Don't take this the wrong way but I think you're going to be a bridezilla." You know, what every blushing bride-to-be loves to hear.

Please help and be nice! Ugh, that comment isn't going to go over well. Adults don't like to be told how to post or give feedback.

1st, you can't kick her out of your bridal party w/o , so I hope that isn't the conversation you need help approaching. That is the nuclear option when it comes to friendships, and it will effectively end yours with this girl.

So what conversation are you trying to broach? A conversation about her Debbie Downer attitude? "Hey Friend I love you to pieces but you can be a real drag with all the negativity and your attitude has kinda sucked lately. Would you mind toning it down for my wedding and acting super happy and excited like the other BM's? Thanks!"

I'm not sure that will go over well at all- adults usually don't change their behavior unless they really want to, let alone for someone else's wedding.

I'm sure this behavior is not new, but even if it is I think you should instead talk to her about what is going on in her life. Maybe she is going through a rough patch so approach her with empathy and concern and do not mention your wedding at all.

If this is just her personality, all you can do is counter her negativity with positive comments or changing the subject. And if she complains, is negative, swears or acts offensively at any of your pre wedding or wedding activities it will be a poor reflection on her and no one else.

climbingsingle · January 2014

chelsholc said:

I know. I know... It's terrible to even admit that I'm thinking this but I can't help it.

So I have 5 BM's along with my MOH... Every single one of them, besides the oddball of the group (don't know how else to put it), I've known for at least 10 years. They are my best friends and even though we don't see each other often we constantly call, text, e-mail and do "girlfriend dinners" about once a month. It makes it a little easier because 3 of them went to high school with me, my MOH has been my best friend since we were 6 so she has known them almost as long as I have. What I love most about these girls is that they're SWEET, nice, lady-like, positive and driven women. When we go out, EVERYONE in the group is having a ball, we can talk to each other individually or as a group and it's never a dull moment.... I couldn't imagine getting married without these girls by my side.

Now onto the "oddball." I've known her for as long as I've known my Fiance (6 1/2 years), we all started working at the same restaurant around the same time... Of course she was one of the first to know I had the hots for this new guy and she helped me play my cards right to bag him. I loved having her as my friend, she's super funny, she's pretty and she cares a lot about the people she loves and would do anything for them... The more I got to know her though, the more I noticed that she was pretty dramatic and very jealous. She has a sailor's mouth, which isn't a bad thing but there's times when you shouldn't use certain words, and she'll let everyone know she's no doormat. I felt bad for things that would happen to her but it just became so often and she "never does anything wrong" that I started to see that a lot of it she brings on herself. She has a short temper, she gets attitude very quickly and assumes everyone is against her. It gets very annoying having to defend friends and even strangers just so she'll stop talking about the "Bi**** who cut her off" or whatever it is that day. We've grown apart due to her growing negativity that she brings around with her and my FI can't stand her for more than an hour. We can never have a happy conversation, it always goes back to whatever drama she's dealing with at the moment. It's exhausting, really.

Anyway, the reason I asked her to be a BM in the first place was because I know she loves me and my fiance and she even said a couple years back, "I don't have to be your MOH but PLEASE PLEASE let me be one of your BM's." So of course I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I asked her. A couple weeks later was the Bridal Extravaganza in my area and I asked all the girls to mark their calendars. She was the only one who couldn't get off of work for it and so I went with the rest of my group and it was a blast! They were all so happy and giddy for me, I loved the excitement from them, it made me even more excited. It was a great bonding experience for us all. I tried talking about the experience (leaving out the bonding and fun so I wouldn't make her feel bad) but that didn't last as I was having this convo with another one of my BM's present. She said how much fun it was and it was so cool because the whole group was there and the oddball cut her off and said, "no. the whole party wasn't there.. I wasn't there" and my BM corrected herself and apologized. Me and oddball drove home together later that night and she said "I don't know if she meant to but she really made me feel bad about not being there.. I really hope she didn't mean to because it hurt my feelings." And I told her of course not... she's not like that at all and it just went silent. Come to think of it, the last handful of times we've hung out it's silent and I'm extremely bored because I'm the only one making conversation that isn't negative or drama-filled. It's like we've grown apart more so than ever and I'm starting to regret asking her because now it feels like the only reason I asked her was to make her happy... not because I couldn't get married without her by my side..

So I'm at a loss.. I would love to mend the relationship but she is so stuck in her ways and can't take any form of criticism without a meltdown that I don't think it's possible to have a mature conversation about her actions. I just don't want to be S.O.L at one of my showers or bachelorette party with a wet blanket who thinks she's being left out or attacked. My wedding is still ways away and yes I broke the "6 months before the wedding" rule but it's because I knew the 5 out of the 6 would be there for sure.

Anyone go through this themselves, or any words of wisdom about how to approach this convo? I should add that yesterday she told me "Don't take this the wrong way but I think you're going to be a bridezilla." You know, what every blushing bride-to-be loves to hear.

Please help and be nice!

I'm sorry, but this just grates. Ugh.

I don't blame her for feeling left out. That probably would have hurt my feelings to. So I don't really see where you have any point of contention with her in regards to that.

Try sitting down and talking to her. See what's going on in her life. Maybe schedule a date to go out and do something just you and her that doesn't involve the wedding. That might improve things.

As far as the way she talks and the way she behaves (cursing, etc), it sounds to me like she's always been like that. So, you can accept her for who she is, or you can confront her. I'm thinking that might not go over too well.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

Kicking her out is a friendship ending move, not to mention horribly nasty. She has done nothing to deserve that.

She's the same person she was when you asked her. You can't expect her to change her personality to suit you, even if you are getting married.

To be honest, I think you should do more. Have you ever been in a situation where you are with 6 women who have been friends for years, and now you are thrown into the mix not really knowing most of them? It's tough to be part of the group, and things like the BM's comment about the bridal show can be really hurtful. You should have immediately jumped in when the BM said that about everyone being there. Instead, by leaving this girl to say something, you communicated to her that you didn't care if she was there or not. As the one who invited this girl, you should be making the extra effort to make her feel included when she does need to be around the rest of your friends. Not letting your friends point out that she isn't part of the group.

Remind yourself of what a BM is supposed to do: stand up next to you and smile on your wedding day. She's not supposed to help you plan your wedding, go to bridal shows, or bond with your other friends. When you realize that, you'll see that this girl has done nothing wrong. Obviously, you consider her a close friend if you asked her. Keep that friendship in mind.

lhussong1 · January 2014

I didn't have this issue, but one of my BM is getting married in October and she had this issue and just "resolved" it a week or two ago. Their friendship was starting to get rocky due to distance and she tried to have a conversation with the girl who, in the end, turned it into a huge fight between the two of them and they are no longer speak to each other. I feel that if you are going to talk to your BM about things you need to be very careful to make her not feel as though you are attacking her. I would wait and see how things go a little further down the road, who knows you could get to your bridal shower and she could surprise you! If it does become an issue then I would have a conversation about what is upsetting you, face to face of course. In the end, these events are about you and you shouldn't let her ruin your celebration. If you are a person that is easily bothered by "negative nancys" at events then you might have a conversation soon rather than later, but if you can overlook her and enjoy your day then you might forgo the conversation. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

In the end, i just suggest evaluating your friendship with your BM. A conversation like this could definitely be a game changer... it really is a tough decision to make. May I suggest talk more to family and your FI, people who know her a bit, and they would be the best to help you asses the situation better.

I hope that helped a little!

tammym1001 · January 2014

You can't change how people act, only how you react to them. If she's always been negative then you can just choose not to respond to the negativity. Problem solved! Now the only person her negativity is bothering is her.

As far as the bridal show, it sounds like she was very mature and considerate about it. Your other BM hurt her feelings and she waited until later and brought it up with you in a very civil manner. There isn't anything wrong with her saying that her feelings were hurt.

I'm going to agree with another pp that it would be really tough to be the only girl out with 6 other girls who have known each other since they were kids. You guys probably have all kinds of inside jokes and talk about people and things that she doesn't know anything about. That could make even the most positive person feel left out and being a debbie downer. Perhaps you could do more to help her feel included or maybe steer the conversations towards topics that everyone can be included in.

chelsholc · January 2014

Alright. I see where all of you are coming from and I appreciate the feedback. I will continue to try to fix this gap between us and include her in all of our "girlfriend's get-togethers" and hopefully that will help. She has a good heart, she just takes a while to warm up to.

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

If you have a problem with your friendship with this girl, have a discussion about your friendship. There should be no mention of the wedding at all. If she has always been this way, she will not change for your wedding. Your BM couldn't make the bridal expo, she had to work - if that is not a viable excuse to you - your expectations are way too high!

Remember that all a BM has to do is show up wearing the dress you selectied, sober and ready to smile in pictures. Anything else is just a bonus. That will help give you perspective while you are planning.

chelsholc · January 2014

I should have elaborated on that, I understood completely why she couldn't attend the show. I wasn't upset with her. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.

ei34 · January 2014

I cringed every time you referred to your (former?) friend as an oddball. Ouch! As others have already suggested, you can't revoke her bridesmaid status. Instead of a conversation about her being in the wedding, how about a conversation about your friendship status? The thing you said about the only convos you guys have are negative or drama-filled...people grow apart over time, it sounds like you two have. Why not ask if she feels the same way? You said that it was a couple years back that she asked to be a BM...maybe she's changed her mind since and felt too rude to decline your BM offer?

chelsholc · January 2014

I think that is a big part of it. We still hang out often though, but when we do it's never full of laughs and silliness and I guess I'm just used to that with my other friends. It is my fault for asking her when I wasn't 100% sure but I thought this could bring us close again.. Maybe I'm jumping the gun on thinking this way already. I have a tendency to over-think and over-stress and getting complete strangers honest feedback has opened my eyes to it for sure. Thanks ladies!

JennyColada · January 2014

So you asked her to be your BM out of...pity? Guilt? Some odd sense of obligation?

Just because someone asks for something or really wants something that doesn't mean that they get it. Part of being an adult is standing up for your needs, and not letting other make decisions for you.

Sorry that you had to learn this lesson through such an important event, but now you're just kinda stuck.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

You knew what she was like when you asked her to be your BM. You can't un-ask her without ending the friendship. If you want to do that, by all means, un-ask her.

But I'll be honest, you come across as SUPER judgemental in this post.

chelsholc said:

What I love most about these girls is that they're SWEET, nice, lady-like, positive and driven women. When we go out, EVERYONE in the group is having a ball, we can talk to each other individually or as a group and it's never a dull moment.... I couldn't imagine getting married without these girls by my side.

What, exactly, does "lady-like" mean to you? Because I teach Sunday School, know every etiquette rule in Miss Manners backwards and forwards, am polite and respectful to my elders, am generally considered a nice person...and I swear like a sailor, too.

Being lady-like =/= never swearing or letting loose.

Now onto the "oddball." I've known her for as long as I've known my Fiance (6 1/2 years), we all started working at the same restaurant around the same time... Of course she was one of the first to know I had the hots for this new guy and she helped me play my cards right to bag him. Unless your fiance is a large game animal (or you drugged him) you didn't "bag him, and to say you did is demeaning. I loved having her as my friend, she's super funny, she's pretty and she cares a lot about the people she loves and would do anything for them... The more I got to know her though, the more I noticed that she was pretty dramatic and very jealous. She has a sailor's mouth, which isn't a bad thing but there's times when you shouldn't use certain words, Is she dropping the F-bomb in church or in front of your elderly grandmother? Give us examples here. and she'll let everyone know she's no doormat. I felt bad for things that would happen to her but it just became so often and she "never does anything wrong" that I started to see that a lot of it she brings on herself. She has a short temper, she gets attitude very quickly and assumes everyone is against her. It gets very annoying having to defend friends and even strangers just so she'll stop talking about the "Bi**** who cut her off" or whatever it is that day. We've grown apart due to her growing negativity that she brings around with her and my FI can't stand her for more than an hour. We can never have a happy conversation, it always goes back to whatever drama she's dealing with at the moment. It's exhausting, really.

Please help and be nice! Telling us how to post isn't nice, nor is what you're trying to do, so you asking for us to be nice is a little bit hypocritical.

Referring to her as "the oddball" probably makes her feel like even more of an outsider than she already is. You clearly have a group of friends who all know each other and all get along really well, and that's great, but when you mix friends from different parts of your life (such as in a bridal party), it's really on you to kind of make them a cohesive group.

And yeah, the comment your other BM made about "everybody" being there probably wasn't intended to be hurtful, but it really was thoughtless -- again, this girl already feels like an outsider, and this had to be exacerbating that.

Please re-think how you're framing this girl in your life.

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

chelsholc said:

I know. I know... It's terrible to even admit that I'm thinking this but I can't help it.

So I have 5 BM's along with my MOH... Every single one of them, besides the oddball of the group (don't know how else to put it) Not that hard- "5 of these friends I have known for over 10 years, 1 of them- I'll call her Jane- I met while working at a restaurant." , I've known for at least 10 years. They are my best friends and even though we don't see each other often we constantly call, text, e-mail and do "girlfriend dinners" about once a month. It makes it a little easier because 3 of them went to high school with me, my MOH has been my best friend since we were 6 so she has known them almost as long as I have. What I love most about these girls is that they're SWEET, nice, lady-like, positive and driven women. When we go out, EVERYONE in the group is having a ball, we can talk to each other individually or as a group and it's never a dull moment.... I couldn't imagine getting married without these girls by my side.

Now onto the "oddball." Jane I've known her for as long as I've known my Fiance (6 1/2 years), we all started working at the same restaurant around the same time... Of course she was one of the first to know I had the hots for this new guy and she helped me play my cards right to bag him- Super lady-like!. I loved having her as my friend, she's super funny, she's pretty She could look like a weasel, not a reason to love having someone as your friend and she cares a lot about the people she loves and would do anything for them... The more I got to know her though, the more I noticed that she was pretty dramatic and very jealous. She has a sailor's mouth- so do a lot of people, I'm sure that she used curse words for the duration of your friendship which isn't a bad thing but there's times when you shouldn't use certain words- oh, like "oddball" when talking about a "friend"?, and she'll let everyone know she's no doormat- again, I don't see this being a bad thing. I felt bad for things that would happen to her but it just became so often and she "never does anything wrong" that I started to see that a lot of it she brings on herself. She has a short temper, she gets attitude very quickly and assumes everyone is against her. It gets very annoying having to defend friends and even strangers just so she'll stop talking about the "Bi**** who cut her off" or whatever it is that day. We've grown apart due to her growing negativity that she brings around with her and my FI can't stand her for more than an hour. We can never have a happy conversation- this is relative, some people enjoy talking about death, some about rainbows and puppies, it always goes back to whatever drama she's dealing with at the moment. It's exhausting, really- I'm sure that it could be exhausting for her to be friends with someone who clearly already has an established group of "BFFs", which she is not part of. Also- you said that she's the type of person who would be there for a friend no matter what, maybe her growing negativity is because there is some shit going on that she doesn't want to talk about directly.

Anyway, the reason I asked her to be a BM in the first place was because I know she loves me and my fiance and she even said a couple years back, "I don't have to be your MOH but PLEASE PLEASE let me be one of your BM's." So of course I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I asked her- you are completely accountable for your actions here. A couple weeks later was the Bridal Extravaganza in my area and I asked all the girls to mark their calendars. She was the only one who couldn't get off of work for it- it sucks to be someone with a shitty schedule, my FI and I are both those people, so when I miss out on fun things, I get sensitive about it. and so I went with the rest of my group and it was a blast! They were all so happy and giddy for me, I loved the excitement from them, it made me even more excited. It was a great bonding experience for us all. I tried talking about the experience (leaving out the bonding and fun so I wouldn't make her feel bad)- she sounds smart enough to realize that she missed out on all of the "bonding and fun", so by you not mentioning it, you were ignoring the elephant in the room. but that didn't last as I was having this convo with another one of my BM's present- if you claim that she needs to watch her language, you should keep in mind what conversations you're having around what company. She said how much fun it was and it was so cool because the whole group was there and the oddball cut her off and said, "no. the whole party wasn't there.. I wasn't there" and my BM corrected herself and apologized- which she should have, that could be perceived as being very hurtful. Me and oddball Jane drove home together later that night and she said "I don't know if she meant to but she really made me feel bad about not being there.. I really hope she didn't mean to because it hurt my feelings." And I told her of course not... she's not like that at all and it just went silent. Yes, your friend feels really uncomfortable, lots of people get quite when they are uncomfortable. Come to think of it, the last handful of times we've hung out it's silent and I'm extremely bored- are you acting bored? You might not think you are, but she could be picking up on subtle cues, only furthering any feelings of alienation because I'm the only one making conversation that isn't negative or drama-filled. It's like we've grown apart more so than ever and I'm starting to regret asking her because now it feels like the only reason I asked her was to make her happy- remind yourself of the nice things you said about her, because she sounds like a loyal friend going through a difficult time... not because I couldn't get married without her by my side..

So I'm at a loss.. I would love to mend the relationship but she is so stuck in her ways and can't take any form of criticism without a meltdown- Perhaps because your criticism are, "stop acting like yourself". Swearing is just a way that she talks, some people are just cynical, is she really that different from when you formed this friendship, or is it just less convenient for you and you want another party girl? that I don't think it's possible to have a mature conversation about her actions. I just don't want to be S.O.L at one of my showers or bachelorette party with a wet blanket who thinks she's being left out or attacked. My wedding is still ways away and yes I broke the "6 months before the wedding" rule but it's because I knew the 5 out of the 6 would be there for sure.

Anyone go through this themselves- No, my friends curse, aren't doormats, and aren't always happy, but I love them dearly and only expect them to be themselves, not my perception of "lady-like" or who I think would be fun to have at a bridal shower or bachelorette party, or any words of wisdom about how to approach this convo- Don't? Unless you're going to ask her if she's doing okay and if there is anything that she need to talk about.? I should add that yesterday she told me "Don't take this the wrong way but I think you're going to be a bridezilla"- if one of my friends told me this, I would be concerned that I've been acting like an asshole. But that's just me. You know, what every blushing bride-to-be loves to hear.

Please help and be nice! This is a public forum, varying opinions will be posted. You are free to post about your situation, and the ADULTS on this forum are free to respond how they see fit.

jenniferurs · January 2014

I'm confused, did this girl, after years of friendship, suddenly begin cursing and become kind of cynical just now? Or is it just now starting to bother you because it doesn't fit in with the tea parties that you and your other debutantes have planned?

Jen4948 · January 2014

Well, I think there are three things you could do that have the potential to be helpful:

1) Stop calling her "oddball." It suggests a contemptuous attitude towards her. It comes across as hostile name-calling and it sounds immature, frankly. It sounds like she's like this all the time, but you have chosen to remain friends and ask her to be in your wedding party anyway. So some looking the other way about her profanities and negativity might be in order.

2) Try having a non-wedding-related chat with her. Find out what is going on in her life-show concern for her in the capacity of your friend as opposed to your wedding party member. She could be going through some very tough times of her own right now, only to hear "wedding, wedding, wedding" or lots of laughs and conversation from you and the other bridesmaids with no sympathy from you.

3) Help her to feel more included in your wedding plans. If you are planning things with your other bridesmaids, remember to include her, and think about how it feels to be left out of prolonged conversations and laughs about things you weren't a part of and didn't get to experience. Save that kind of talk for when she's not around. Do whatever is possible to help her integrate more into your group of friends without being critical.

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