NWR: Vent - Advice appreciated

Gizmo813 · January 2014

My parents have been divorced for over 10 years. It was an extremely contentious divorce, and they have not spoken since. My mom has been playing both sides against the middle for years - making my brother and I jump through hoops to ensure that she does not run into my dad. Ever. If she knows that my dad will be at an event, she will not go. My dad has since remarried and my mom is in a serious relationship. Yet she is still somehow worried that my father, 10 years later, still desires to harass her and make her life miserable and that he has ulterior motives in everything he does that somehow all go back to how he still intends to stick it to her. This, clearly, is not healthy, and the more I think about it, the more I think my mom needs to go speak to a professional about this.

Anyway, a couple days ago, my dad reached out to my mom via text message. He essentially said that since I am getting married in August, it might be time to put the past behind them. He asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee and catch up. She responded "No thanks" (and then bragged to my brother about how she feels that she took the high road in that situation.) This upset my dad, as well as my brother and me, very much.

Bottom line is I am no longer going to allow my mom to play both sides against the middle. I am, from here on out, refusing to choose between my parents. I want to have both of my parents at important life events (like my wedding, or the events surrounding my future children) without having to worry about looking at my mom and seeing her with a scowl on her face because my father is also there. I want to help my mom see that, like it or not, she is going to have to tolerate being around my dad, because they have common interests in myself, my brother and any grandchildren that might someday arrive. I want to help her see that her refusal to let go of the past is not healthy for her, and could end up tearing my family completely apart.

I just don't know how to approach the situation without causing my mom to shut down. I don't know what else I can do ....

mrsconn23 · January 2014

You can't really 'approach' anything. You can't change your mom, just your reaction to her.

Just start shutting her down with regard to your dad. If she asks why, tell her that you're tired of being in the middle, you've allowed yourself to be in the middle for too long, and you're done. End of discussion. She wants to continue, change the subject...if she presses on, walk away/hang up/whatever to get away from her.

She may (probably will) give you a ton of pushback, but you need to stand up for yourself and your relationship with your dad.

Wzz · January 2014

i agree. time to start ending the discussion, and i am speaking from experience. if she wants to exclude herself from events because your dad may be there, then that is her choice to make as an adult. maybe she should stay home and see that her childish tantrums have childish consequences, like missing out on fun. does she remember making you go to your room when you were a toddler who had misbehaved? well that is essentially what she will be doing to herself. feel free to point that out to her, also.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Ditto PPs. There's no good way to approach her, just don't engage her. If you and your brother and your FI make plans, and your dad is going to be there, and your mom asks, say, "Yes" and change the subject.

If she pushes and says, "Well, if he's going, I won't!" then say, "OK, well, I'm sorry you feel that way. You'll be missed." and change the subject.

If she says, "You have to pick, him or me," say, "I won't do that," and change the subject.

Your mother can only bring this up and hold it over your head as long as you let her. As soon as you stop engaging her, giving in to her behaviour, and letting her get away with this, the sooner she'll realise she has lost her control over the situation, and the sooner she will learn how to deal with the changed circumstances.

Gizmo813 · January 2014

Thank you for your replies.

This issue seems to have magnified since I started planning my wedding. Or, maybe it's just that I'm noticing it more because I am planning my wedding and thinking about the future.

As an adult, I am capable of "ignoring" the situation and moving on. I've been doing it for a very long time. I'm just really concerned that once we have children in the next couple years, it will continue. And children will not understand that Grandma is not at their birthday party/school event/other important event because Grandpa is there. They will just be hurt. And I don't want my mom's selfish and childish behavior to negatively impact my children.

(She's already said, "I would hope that my relationship with my grandchildren will not be affected by whether or not I'm at <insert event name here>.")

I guess I'm hoping that my family can resolve this situation before grandchildren come into the picture. Nobody is asking anybody to be friends ... just civil and cordial to one another.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Gizmo813 said:

Thank you for your replies.

This issue seems to have magnified since I started planning my wedding. Or, maybe it's just that I'm noticing it more because I am planning my wedding and thinking about the future.

As an adult, I am capable of "ignoring" the situation and moving on. I've been doing it for a very long time. I'm just really concerned that once we have children in the next couple years, it will continue. And children will not understand that Grandma is not at their birthday party/school event/other important event because Grandpa is there. They will just be hurt. And I don't want my mom's selfish and childish behavior to negatively impact my children.
(She's already said, "I would hope that my relationship with my grandchildren will not be affected by whether or not I'm at <insert event name here>.")

I guess I'm hoping that my family can resolve this situation before grandchildren come into the picture. Nobody is asking anybody to be friends ... just civil and cordial to one another.

See, right here, she's already making a power play for the future. You're right -- the kids will be hurt. But they'll be mad at HER, not at you. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. At some point, you'll be able to say to them, "Grandma has issues, and she can't be around Grandpa, and that has EVERYTHING to do with her and NOTHING to do with you, so don't think it does."

As for your mother, you need to say to her, "Mom, OF COURSE your relationship with your grandkids will be affected by your petty jealousy and inability to be around Dad and act like an adult. I'm not going to cut Dad out of my life, and he's going to be at events, so you either need to grow up, put on your big-girl panties, and deal, or you don't get to see your grandkids as much as you'd life. It's really that simple, but I'm done playing mediator."

GBCK · January 2014

I'm going to echo, kids are smarter than this.

I was something like 8 years old when I overheard my mom on the phone w/ her dad, saying "It's Saturday at 8...Yes, Mom and her husband have been invited, I don't know if they're coming. I"m not telling you whether or not they're coming--if not seeing your ex-wife is more important than seeing your grand-daughter's school play, then don't come; do what you want, the door is open"
Then hanging up, crying...and having the exact. same. stupid discussion w/ her mom.

Both sets of grandparents showed up. They behaved themselves (not always, but usually. My dad escorted my grandpa off the property once or twice and took to meeting him at the door with a list of topics that owuld get him removed...then he got better). My mom's sisters thought she was horrible and mean for forcing them to deal w/ each-other like adults.
Me...I thought my mom was awesome and had balls and stood up for me.
(and I thought both of my step-grandparents were awesome people. and I thought my actual-grandparents had some baggage. Yeah, this eventually affected my relationship w/ my grandmother...but only because seeing me was never as much a priority as avoiding grandpa)

cmiles89 · January 2014

I'm soooo happy my parents have reconciled enough not to play these games (or at least, not usually), so my fingers are crossed for you that this gets worked out.

There is nothing you can do, besides putting the ball in her court. PP's have covered it- there's no amount of "talkin to" that will fix her feelings, or any amount of begging on your part that will get her to grow up. Stop engaging, give her the option, and let her pick. I'm speaking from experience, and this is the best you can do for her.

My divorced grandparents are the same way. My grandfather ended up not going to my eldest cousin's wedding because my grandmother would be there (ostensibly for other reasons, but we knew why). He was missed, but there's nothing we could do.

GL and stay strong, this is some of the hardest drama to get past.

NWR: Vent - Advice appreciated

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