Helping out?

themuffinman16 · January 2014

My twin sister... love the girl to pieces... wants to throw me a bridal shower. Her husband, recently, lost his job. He has a new job, but is still getting back on my feet. My step-mom has offered to have the party at her house, with my sister orchestrating it (the only place large enough). My mom will refuse to attend the party if it is at my step-mom's house, because my mother is disabled and will feel upstaged that she can't do as much for me as she would like. That leaves me to have my party at a fire hall, and I know they are expensive (more expensive than a party at home). Should I pay for the fire hall and have my sister, otherwise ,orchestrate the day? I am not trying to break budgets, I only have 35 people coming, but it is too many people for my sister's house. I am sure my step-mom will help my sister out with the food and decorations (don't really care about decorations, anyway), but if I am getting a fire hall, it will need to be booked soon. Is this considered throwing yourself a party, helping out financially? I know throwing your own party is improper etiquette. Ladies, what do you think?

Jen4948 · January 2014

35 people is a lot of guests for a shower. Most showers don't have more than about 20 guests. I'd consider cutting back your guest list and looking for a smaller, less expensive place.

Either that, or go ahead and have your stepmom host the shower at her house even if your mother isn't there, and do something else that's special with your mother, maybe just you and her and your sister.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

30 is the amount of the invitees, it does not necessarily mean 30 people are coming. I have 10 people. The rest is FIs family. And I am only inviting his aunts and sisters (HUGE FAMILY). Lol

JCbride2015 · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

My twin sister... love the girl to pieces... wants to throw me a bridal shower. Her husband, recently, lost his job. He has a new job, but is still getting back on my feet. My step-mom has offered to have the party at her house, with my sister orchestrating it (the only place large enough). My mom will refuse to attend the party if it is at my step-mom's house, because my mother is disabled and will feel upstaged that she can't do as much for me as she would like. That leaves me to have my party at a fire hall, and I know they are expensive (more expensive than a party at home). Should I pay for the fire hall and have my sister, otherwise ,orchestrate the day? I am not trying to break budgets, I only have 35 people coming, but it is too many people for my sister's house. I am sure my step-mom will help my sister out with the food and decorations (don't really care about decorations, anyway), but if I am getting a fire hall, it will need to be booked soon. Is this considered throwing yourself a party, helping out financially? I know throwing your own party is improper etiquette. Ladies, what do you think?

Etiquette says you can't contribute or else you're co-hosting. I know you're coming from a place of wanting to help out your sister. For now I would say let her be the guide and tell you what she wants to do and what she can afford. Maybe this means cutting the guest list, or having it at SM's house without Mom present. Or maybe Mom can try to put aside her feelings about being upstaged for just one day.

Also, slightly off-topic and you won't want to hear it, but I have to say this. You just posted the other day that you were thinking about putting off the wedding because you and Fi have serious communication problems. I know you guys recently had a talk, but there were major red flags in that post. I would suggest not planning a shower right now while you are still working that out. If you end up postponing the wedding after you already had a shower, it would be super awkward.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

It is either the fire hall or no baby shower. My mother seriously gets mad at me for accepting gifts or anything from my step-mom, even if it would help me out. It sucks, but what can you do? I had to hide the fact that my step-mom bought my wedding gown. My mother feels like less of a mother, if my step-mother does anything nice for me. My sister had to lie and tell my mom that my step-mom did not buy her a rocking chair, because of the fight it caused. My mom wanted to get it for my sister, but couldn't afford it, and would rather have my sister not have a rocking chair, than receive one from my step-mom. On the bright side, it makes for a fun tap-dancing competition to dodge all of these land mines. Lol

themuffinman16 · January 2014

FI and I have talked out our issues, and we are postponing our house search for a year. He was worried about too many big expenditures at once. He was just getting overwhelmed. I would not proceed with a wedding before the invitations went out, unless my issues have been addressed. My father has been married three times. I walk with caution into marriage to say the least. He had issues with buying a house, this year, and started taking it out on our poor defenseless wedding. Lol. But every issue has been addressed except for the flower girl, but I am sure we will work that out.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

dmyrick78 said:

It is either the fire hall or no baby shower. My mother seriously gets mad at me for accepting gifts or anything from my step-mom, even if it would help me out. It sucks, but what can you do? I had to hide the fact that my step-mom bought my wedding gown. My mother feels like less of a mother, if my step-mother does anything nice for me. My sister had to lie and tell my mom that my step-mom did not buy her a rocking chair, because of the fight it caused. My mom wanted to get it for my sister, but couldn't afford it, and would rather have my sister not have a rocking chair, than receive one from my step-mom. On the bright side, it makes for a fun tap-dancing competition to dodge all of these land mines. Lol

I'll leave the whole Fi-issues thing alone at this point. You know him, not me. Just be careful, and it sounds like you are.

But since this thread is partly about your mom-- every time you cave into her insecurities by lying or downplaying stuff your SM does, you're allowing her drama to control your life. And considering an extra expense like a fire hall, which the host of the party can't afford, just to appease your mom doesn't make a ton of sense.

Your sister is hosting the party and SM has offered her home as co-host. This is wonderful. I think you should have the party your sister can afford, at SM's house. Tell your mom you would love for her to come. Leave the ball in her court. If she says she won't come, tell her she'll be missed and keep it moving.

themuffinman16 · January 2014

Thank you for the good advice, as always JCBride.

lyndausvi · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

35 people is a lot of guests for a shower. Most showers don't have more than about 20 guests. I'd consider cutting back your guest list and looking for a smaller, less expensive place.

Either that, or go ahead and have your stepmom host the shower at her house even if your mother isn't there, and do something else that's special with your mother, maybe just you and her and your sister.

Really? Some of us larger families than others. One should not feel bad because they happen to have a larger family. Not all of us fit into some neat little box and can keep invites below some random number.

My shower was in the high 30's. That was 3 friends, 5 of DH's family and the rest were my mom, siblings, nieces, aunts and female first cousins.

::off soapbox::

themuffinman16 · January 2014

@scribe, no, my mother's house is the smallest of them all. I don't go over to her house, much anymore. My mother, her boyfriend, and my little sister smoke so much in that house. If you go into that house, your eyes will burn from the amount of smoke. It was never this bad, but with three chain smokers, it is just unbearable. Usually my mom hangs out at her children's house when we see each other.

jenniferurs · January 2014

Jen4948 said:
35 people is a lot of guests for a shower. Most showers don't have more than about 20 guests. I'd consider cutting back your guest list and looking for a smaller, less expensive place.

Either that, or go ahead and have your stepmom host the shower at her house even if your mother isn't there, and do something else that's special with your mother, maybe just you and her and your sister.

What if someone just has that many close friends and family members? Why should they not be invited?

themuffinman16 · January 2014

I know a bridal shower seems a while off, for me to be thinking about. If I were able to have one, I would have to do it sooner than usual. My sis is pregnant, and she had complications in her last pregnancy (really bad back issues). I don't want her on her feet, the whole day, further along in her pregnancy.

aurorajanette · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

35 people is a lot of guests for a shower. Most showers don't have more than about 20 guests. I'd consider cutting back your guest list and looking for a smaller, less expensive place.

Either that, or go ahead and have your stepmom host the shower at her house even if your mother isn't there, and do something else that's special with your mother, maybe just you and her and your sister.

I don't think I've ever been to a shower with less than 35 people. Typically it's the bride and groom's side of the family plus friends. My family alone would put it over twenty people.

OP, as PP's stated go with the original plan of letting your sister host the shower at your step-mother's house. If you mom has an issue, that's her own problem. I understand having insecurities, but right now she just sounds manipulative and immature. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to attend the shower.

wrigleyville · January 2014

Put me in the "Seriously, 30 is not a lot" camp. My family is HUGE. Our bridal showers are very rarely under 50 people, sometimes even 75-100, and that's just close friends and the immediate family circles. If the groom's family is huge too, oh my lord... I think it's because, in my family, every woman on the invitation list gets invited to the shower.

Our weddings tend to be 250-300 people. It's unreal. Fun, but unreal.

jenniferurs · January 2014

scribe95 said:
30 seems fine. It's these big ones with upwards of 80 to 100 people I find to be absolutely ridiculous.

I had three separate showers - two out of state for different sides of the families and one instate for friends. They were all small and cozy and relaxing. Had they been put together it would have been maybe 40 people.

Again, that's you. But why does it have to be the same for everyone else? What if other people have a bigger family than you? Or more friends?

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

jenniferurs said:

30 seems fine. It's these big ones with upwards of 80 to 100 people I find to be absolutely ridiculous.

I had three separate showers - two out of state for different sides of the families and one instate for friends. They were all small and cozy and relaxing. Had they been put together it would have been maybe 40 people.
Again, that's you. But why does it have to be the same for everyone else? What if other people have a bigger family than you? Or more friends?

Because 100 people showers come off gift grabby. A shower is supposed to be the bride's closest friends and family. No one is that close to 100 people.

jenniferurs · January 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

jenniferurs said:

scribe95 said:
30 seems fine. It's these big ones with upwards of 80 to 100 people I find to be absolutely ridiculous.

I had three separate showers - two out of state for different sides of the families and one instate for friends. They were all small and cozy and relaxing. Had they been put together it would have been maybe 40 people.
Again, that's you. But why does it have to be the same for everyone else? What if other people have a bigger family than you? Or more friends?

Because 100 people showers come off gift grabby. A shower is supposed to be the bride's closest friends and family. No one is that close to 100 people.

Again, maybe you aren't, but you don't know that other people aren't.

I have no dog in this fight, because I'm neither having a shower nor do I have that many close female friends/family members. But I know others who do, so I think it's silly to set some kind of arbitrary cut-off number, simply because that's your own personal experience.

indianaalum · January 2014

Honestly, my shower was tiny and I was embarassed. Due to various last minute uncontrollable things, none of my husbands family were in attendance so it ended up being kinda tiny. I admit I was kinda embarassed as my sister had to pay for a minimum amount of people and we did not achieve it

Jen4948 · January 2014

To answer the question about the number of guests:

Questions of gift-grabbiness notwithstanding, it really isn't that much fun for guests to watch huge numbers of gifts being opened-especially 35 or more. It takes a long time, and even if you know that many people and they all want to come and see you open theirs, they don't want to watch you open all the others. I've been to really big showers and "day-after gift-openings" and I've seen guests tune out and tuned out myself.

Another practical issue with huge showers is that you have to find some way to transport all those gifts home.

lyndausvi · January 2014

I think people forget we all have a different sense of "normal". When you come from a big family and seen them often you don't look at a shower of 40 people that includes everyone you see all the time as "large" or "gift grabby". It's just normal. Sure you might not be super close to a few of the cousins no need to hurt feelings to leave a few out.

My DH is often overwhelmed at my family's house. There are just so many of us. His family is about 10 people and that goes out to cousins twice removed. He thinks xmas with 60 something people coming and going is crazy. I find it normal. I find sitting at his mom's house with just 6 of us somewhat uneventful. He finds that normal.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

I have 11 aunts and uncles just on my mother's side. I have 4 younger sisters. First cousins? Let's not even go there. That's just my side. As the family is all close-knit, I don't even want to know what kind of shitstorm I'd end up in if I tried to "break it up" into smaller showers. There'd be a lot of "What, am I not good enough to be around the rest of your friends/family?" I'm lucky that I'm not having a shower, so I am not worried about it... but I do still have younger sisters who may face this situation when they get married.

chibiyui · January 2014

I believe (not certain cause I'm not involved in the planning) that I will be having two showers, one my family and friends, and one for FI's family. The first has about 30 invites, the second around 25.

phira · January 2014

The only bridal showers I've been to had at least 40 people so ...

Anyway. My advice is that your twin sister has the same mother that you do, and so I assume that she's entirely aware of the problems that come with having the shower at your stepmother's house. I don't think that this is a problem that you have to solve, so much as it's a problem that SHE has to solve.

What I would suggest is the following:

1) Tell your sister that you care much more about her wellbeing than you do about the bridal shower, and that if it's going to be a financial burden on her, you'd rather not have one at all.

2) If your sister ends up planning it so that it's at your stepmother's house, and your mom refuses to come because of that, then tell your mother, "I'm sorry that you are so offended that we're having an event at someone else's house that you are refusing to come to my bridal shower."

Refusing to come because she feels like she's being upstaged as your mother is actually a really manipulative thing because, honestly, it's really uncaring as a parent to skip your daughter's bridal shower because you don't like where it's being hosted. She's not being upstaged as a mother just because she can't host the party at her house; she'll be upstaged as a mother because she's NOT ACTING like a mother by immaturely refusing to attend your shower.

It sounds like there are a lot of problems that you're dealing with, in your family and in your relationship with your fiance. I'm really sorry. If you weren't locked in with your venue, I'd advise eloping.

wrigleyville · January 2014

Oh, good lord. My SIL had 75 people at her baby shower, and we had a blast. Yes, it is possible for big families to be that close, especially when everyone lives in the same area and is always up in each other's business. Please do not judge the seriousness of the relationship I have with my family. (Small bit of snark there, but yeah, it's kind of the same.)

Her shower was not boring at all. She got through all of those gifts in just over an hour. If you have a system in place and don't mess around, it is possible. One sister handed her a gift, she opened it, said thank you and showed it off for a second, and then passed it to another sister to record for thank you notes while the other sister was handing her another gift.

It also helps that we have rum punch, wine, and champagne at every shower. And cake. LOTS of cake.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

35 people is a lot of guests for a shower. Most showers don't have more than about 20 guests. I'd consider cutting back your guest list and looking for a smaller, less expensive place.

Either that, or go ahead and have your stepmom host the shower at her house even if your mother isn't there, and do something else that's special with your mother, maybe just you and her and your sister.

Not true. I have never been to a shower with only 20 guests. Bachelorette parties, sure. Bridal showers in my group of friends usually include all of the bride's female friends, and family, and close female family members of the groom. Most showers I've been to are in the 30-50 range.

cruffino · January 2014

I've mostly only ever been to large showers (50+ people). That's normal in my family, and not gift grabby. There are a lot of us.

OP, only you can decide if you want to put your foot down with your mom about this. I agree that she's being unreasonable. Sorry she's putting you in a bad position.

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