troublesome significant other question

lvangel3716 · January 2014

I have an awkward problem. One of my fiance's cousins has a boyfriend that frankly I don't want at the wedding. My fiance's brother got married a few months ago and the cousin attended with the (at the time) new boyfriend. It was a disaster. The cousin and boyfriend showed up high, loudly snickered the whole way through the ceremony, snuck outside to continue the high, and to top it off, the boyfriend poured a full beer on the floor right in front of the bride saying "oops guess you should clean that up." To the bride!! The couple was a highlight the whole night for all the wrong reasons.

I understand that etiquette would require me to invite this boyfriend but I know he's going to cause problems. We're having our ceremony and reception at a venue sharing property with a police training ground - I have nightmares of the boyfriend (and probably cousin) getting arrested for either public intoxication or possession.

What can I do? I have a day-of coordinator that I can ask to keep an eye on the couple, but is there a way nip the problem in the bud?

CrystaH11 · January 2014

Don't invite either of them? You can't invite her without the bf if she's over 18, if she's under then you don't have to. However your only real way out is to not invite either of them.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Don't invite either of them.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

Have security and let them get arrested- that would be on them, not you. Or not invite either of them. Actions have consequences.

manateehugger · January 2014

Yeah, I'd just exclude the cousin. No boyfriend problems then.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Ditto. Don't invite either of them.

Actions have consequences; if your action is to be an asshole, the consequence is that you don't get invited to things.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

I would just exclude the cousin and the problem is solved.

If you must invite her, you must invite him. Point him out to the venue staff and security. If he disturbs the ceremony, is visibly under the influence, or starts acting out, they should escort him out without question. If he gets arrested, that's his problem.

KatWAG · January 2014

Another vote for not inviting either of them.

tammym1001 · January 2014

I would say don't invite either because she sounds just as bad. I'm just curious though what did the bride do when he poured a beer on the floor and told her to clean it up? I probably would have throat punched someone if my FI didn't get to him first.

Mitch617 · January 2014

Don't invite either. She showed up high to the last one too, not just the boyfriend. Is your fiancé particularly close to the cousin?

vt&dt · January 2014

Yet another vote to not invite the couple.

And the story from the previous wedding is a perfect answer to "Why were ___ and ___ not invited?"

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

tammym1001 said:

I would say don't invite either because she sounds just as bad. I'm just curious though what did the bride do when he poured a beer on the floor and told her to clean it up? I probably would have throat punched someone if my FI didn't get to him first.

haha, images of what my FI would do are rolling through my head. My FI is the most understanding, even tempered guy but if that would have happened I'm pretty sure heads would have rolled. I think his groomsmen would help him literally throw the guy out.

netskyblue2 · January 2014

Yes, you can not invite the couple. Or you can choose to be rude and not invite the boyfriend. Yeah, it's rude. But I know *I* am not going to go through my life never, ever being rude, when I really feel it's necessary to do so. Cousin's going to think you're rude either way (if you don't invite her, or if you don't invite only him). Will the rest of your family shun you?

afterimage · January 2014

Uh, yeah. I wouldn't invite them based upon the other wedding experience you described. I wouldn't care what they think. It would simply not be worth the risk of having them ruin your wedding.

danceme0918 · January 2014

You don't have to invite him. It's only rude not to if they live together or have been together for years. It is safe to say, though, that having her there could cause a problem as well. Keep in mind that if you invite her, but not him, he may show up anyway. If you do happen to invite them, you might want to let them know what your expectations are for their behavior. Let them know the location of the wedding and that police will be there, it might help deter shenanigans; if it doesn't, let them get arrested. It reflects on them, not you. Sounds like they need some serious consequences to their actions! Good Luck!!!!

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

danceme0918 said:
You don't have to invite him. It's only rude not to if they live together or have been together for years. It is safe to say, though, that having her there could cause a problem as well. Keep in mind that if you invite her, but not him, he may show up anyway. If you do happen to invite them, you might want to let them know what your expectations are for their behavior. Let them know the location of the wedding and that police will be there, it might help deter shenanigans; if it doesn't, let them get arrested. It reflects on them, not you. Sounds like they need some serious consequences to their actions! Good Luck!!!!

Yes, she does have to invite them together and no, living together or being together for a long time do not define a relationship. Anyone who considers themselves in a relationship gets invited TOGETHER BY NAME on the invite.

You don't get to define your guests' relationships for them. If they identify as a couple, they are a couple.

firebabe6519 · January 2014

Don't invite them! I cannot imagine how pissed and embarrassed that poor bride must have been! My FI is fairly hot headed. If someone did that to me, his mother would be receiving annual body parts in the mail.

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

danceme0918 said:

You don't have to invite him. It's only rude not to if they live together or have been together for years. It is safe to say, though, that having her there could cause a problem as well. Keep in mind that if you invite her, but not him, he may show up anyway. If you do happen to invite them, you might want to let them know what your expectations are for their behavior. Let them know the location of the wedding and that police will be there, it might help deter shenanigans; if it doesn't, let them get arrested. It reflects on them, not you. Sounds like they need some serious consequences to their actions! Good Luck!!!!

No ring, no bring isn't a real policy, FYI.

AddieCake · January 2014

danceme0918 said:

You don't have to invite him. It's only rude not to if they live together or have been together for years. It is safe to say, though, that having her there could cause a problem as well. Keep in mind that if you invite her, but not him, he may show up anyway. If you do happen to invite them, you might want to let them know what your expectations are for their behavior. Let them know the location of the wedding and that police will be there, it might help deter shenanigans; if it doesn't, let them get arrested. It reflects on them, not you. Sounds like they need some serious consequences to their actions! Good Luck!!!!

Wrong.

chasingsunlight · January 2014

If not inviting her is going to cause a bigger problem with his family, I would suggest having a conversation with her ahead of time. Tell her that you want her to be a part of your big day, but that, as a result of the last wedding, her boyfriend is not welcome. If they don't live together and/or are not engaged, you are under no obligation to give her a guest. If she's offended by this, she can choose not to attend, but at least you can tell the family she was invited.

JoanE2012 · January 2014

chasingsunlight said:

If not inviting her is going to cause a bigger problem with his family, I would suggest having a conversation with her ahead of time. Tell her that you want her to be a part of your big day, but that, as a result of the last wedding, her boyfriend is not welcome. If they don't live together and/or are not engaged, you are under no obligation to give her a guest. If she's offended by this, she can choose not to attend, but at least you can tell the family she was invited.

This is bad advice. Anyone in ANY kind of relationship should be invited with their significant other. You don't get to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship.

OP - Given the history of both of them, I'd cut them both off my guest list.

AddieCake · January 2014

chasingsunlight said:

If they don't live together and/or are not engaged, you are under no obligation to give her a guest.

Wrong.

mrsetwinmiller2b · January 2014

They're a social unit. If you don't invite one, you don't invite either. That being said, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trust her not to act like an ass if you do choose to only invite her.

Skip them both.

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