NWR- Mom's 50th

Re: NWR- Mom's 50th

• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  Wow, it sounds like your mom wants a mini-wedding.

  
  

  I think there's a difference between calling several of your mom's friends and family members and saying, "Hey, would you like to get together for Mom's birthday at X restaurant?" or doing the kind of fancy party your mom is describing.  If I went to a party with 50 people, a photographer, favors, etc. I would assume it was a hosted party and be very confused at the end when I got a bill.

  
  

  So, I think you can do a low key get-together at the restaurant where everyone pays for themselves, or you can do the kind of party your mom is asking for and host all the guests.  I don't think you can do what your mom wants and then ask the guests to pay for their meal.

  
  

  The bottom line is that your mom is being rude for making demands of the host-- the party is a gift to her and she should either decline or accept, not micromanage.  But I think you already know that!  Time for a not-fun conversation with Mom.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• mzbda member

  

  January 2014

  Thanks JCBride. The thing is the guests would know about the costs upfront. My nana/papa think it's a bad idea. They come from the school of thought where if you have an event like this, you pay for it and hosts your guests. My mom seems to think it's cool to host the event for 50 people and have them pay. 

  I personally am not bothered by having to pay for my meal, but I am bothered with it turning into a mini wedding reception and it coming across tacky. 

  
  

  I think I am a bit more etiquette savvy than my mom. We live on an island north of the Caribbean and etiquette faux paux seem to be a regular here. For instance, she was invited to her friend's 50th bday dinner. It was a surprise and the hosts asked everyone to pay $100 to off-set the cost. I was shocked that someone would actually put that on an invite. I would have immediately declined but she attended. Apparently no one batted an eye and this was like a gala style dinner.

  
  

  So basically, I'm trying to find a happy medium between mini wedding reception and a fun, celebratory dinner that isn't offending any guests. And no, I cannot afford to spend $2,000 on this event. 

  
  

  Oh and she's got two of her friends who are supposed dot help me plan because apparently I need help. I just think she wants validation of her OTT ideas lol.

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• Pepper6 member

  

  January 2014

  If you are planning and hosting an event like this, you absolutely MUST pay for all the guests meals.  I would not attend a "birthday party" at $50 per plate, ever.

  
  

  TBH, it seems ridiculous to even have a party like this for anyone's birthday, milestone or not.  If this were your parents' 50th wedding anniversary, great.  But as a birthday party, this comes off as extremely narcissistic and annoying.

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• mzbda member

  

  January 2014

  See, these things are common here. My circle will regularly pay up to $100 pp for dinner. We are a wealthy island and expect to pay this sort of money. I've been to many bday parties and paid over $50 for my food and drink and never thought twice about it. 

  
  

  It's the whole mini wedding reception thing that's giving me a icky feeling.I like I said earlier, I feel like it's definitely OTT. I will talk to her tonight and let her know what I am willing to host. If she doesn't like it, she can plan her own party.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2014

  First - many parties have centerpieces, favors, 3 course meals  and photographers.  Those things in combination do not make something look like a wedding reception.   I've attend and/or worked many receptions with those things that were charity event or even corporate events.    

  
  

  
  

  Back to your mom.  I agree if I went to a party with all the stuff I would think it's a hosted event.   

  I think it's time for a heart to heart with your mom.  If she wants all those things they she can only afford "x" people.  If she wants that certain guest list then she needs to compromise elsewhere.

  
  

  BTW - I lived on a Caribbean island for 15+ years and got quite the culture shock. Their way of hosting and mine are quite different.  Although that didn't stop me from hosting events the way I wanted.  I once hosted a baby shower and was yelled out for picking up the tab.  I was just doing what hosts do in my world, you know, pick up the tab.   

  
  

  Good luck.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• vt&dt member

  

  January 2014

  I think if you talk to your mom and offer some more options, she might realize that what she's asking for is quite strange.  If I were at a party like that (especially with a set menu - if I didn't get to choose what I was having for dinner) - I would be a little surprised when the check came.  

  
  

  The biggest issue I'm seeing with what she's asking for is the set menu - if I'm meeting friends at a restaurant, I can choose between a salad and a steak based on my budget - if there aren't options, and then they have to pay for their dinner, that's quite awkward.

  
  

  Would having a hosted event at either her or your house work?  We have grocery stores and restaurants in town that can cater nice meals for fairly inexpensive prices.  Or, could you discuss with the restaurant perhaps a limited menu - 3 courses with a few options for each in different price ranges?  I'd feel better about paying for my plate when I had control (even if only a few choices) over what my dinner was.  You could also ask the restaurant if you could bring in dessert and have cake or cupcakes (both seem to be too much for 50 people) provided for the guests.

  
  

  Sorry your mom is making this difficult for you when you're really trying to do something quite nice for her!  Good luck!

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• ashleyep member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  My brother, sister, and I paid around $1500 for my parent's 25th anniversary party, which was held at a Knights of Columbus my grandfather is a member of and had grocery store catered buffet food. So I'm not sure you can really get out of paying much less unless you do it at home.

  
  

  Can you compromise and have it in a private room at a restaurant with a buffet? That might bring the cost down a bit (though even my RD is costing us $30/pp). I don't think you can have any sort of event like this without hosting it. 

  
  

  Nix the photographer (really?) and ask a family member to be in charge of photos - do simple balloons or pictures for centerpieces. At my grandfather's 80th (in a private room at a restaurant with buffet, decorations, a slide show, etc.), they covered boxes of wine with family photos and attached balloons. He loves boxed wine, so it was cute. 

  
  

  She can't make those demands. A slideshow seems reasonable, but you need to host the event that you can afford.

  

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• mzbda member

  

  January 2014

  I say it seems like a mini wedding reception because I've never been to a bday party where it was formal with decor, a photographer, etc. In my circle, we usually go out to eat at the place of the birthday person's choosing and we all pay for our meals and cover the birthday person as well.

  
  

  If it was a gal/charity event, I would expect this. BF and I went to one last weekend and it was like a reception except with 500 people complete with a 5 course set menu, decor, lighting, open bar, etc.  

  
  

  When I said set menu, I meant three courses with four options per course so there would be a variety. It's not like people would have to eat something they didn't like. And I am looking at private areas. The first one is on a patio that seats 60 and the other is a restaurant that holds a max of 40. 

  
  

  And yes, things are very different here. Although not Caribbean (Bermuda), we have a different way of doing things. My mom doesn't think any of this is strange perhaps because her friend's 50th was similar. 

  
  

  Her two friends who she wants me to plan with have suggested STDs, custom invites, etc. One had her 50th a few years back but it was a fully catered, formal event. They are both of means and if they want to pay for this that's fine with me but I can't plan an event where I feel like it goes against proper etiquette. 

  
  

  Thanks for all the suggestions/advice. I knew it didn't feel right but just wanted confirmation from strangers

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  I also ditto PPs that if I saw all of that, I would assume it was hosted and be very upset to get a bill at the end of the night.
  
  It does sound like your mother is playing keeping up with the Joneses, and she wants a fancy party because her friends got one. I'm sorry, but life isn't fair and we don't all get equal parties (or equal weddings).
  
  Figure out what you can afford to spend, and what that works out to per guest, and tell your mom she can have the party she wants with fewer guests or more guests and a less elaborate party.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• ashleyep member

  

  January 2014

  I also can't imagine what parent would demand that of their child. If it's her 50th, the OP is probably under 30. My parents would never expect anything more than a modest party if that.

  

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  January 2014

  I would tell your mom she either gets what she gets or she doesn't get anything.
  
  Last year I planned and hosted my mom's 50th birthday. I provided dinner, some booze, beverages, snacks, favors and decor all for around $600 or so for 30ish adults. I looked into hosting an event at a real venue (not someone's house) but I just couldn't afford it. If you can't afford it, you can't host it.
  

   

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  Here's whats wrong  with your mom's plan:
  

    1. It's not appropriate to plan an event in honor of oneself. 

    2. It's not appropriate to plan an event at someone else's expense.

    3. If invitations are being sent out, it's reasonable to expect the host to pay. If it's a word of mouth invitations, then everyone who is paying gets a say in the location.

     

  Listen to nana and papa. They have much more class than your diva mother and her friends.

  
  

                     

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  I'd tell your mother, "Mom, I can afford and arrange for A, B, and C, but not X, Y, and Z.  If you want me to do this, it will have to be limited to A, B, and C.  X, Y, and Z are not going to happen."
  

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• mzbda member

  

  January 2014

  Thanks again for all the suggestions. I plan on speaking to her tonight about it. 

  I ran the situation by two friends, both Caribbean but not where I'm from. They both said if it was just a dinner at the restaurant, they would expect to pay, but said since she seems to want more of an elaborate event, they would expect the host to pay. Not to mention, my mom has decided to go on a cruise for her actual bday. I feel that's celebration enough. 

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• mzbda member

  

  January 2014

  So I had a convo w my mom and she doesn't understand what she's planning is borderline tacky/rude. She was also planning a luncheon after church for the people who she didn't want to invite to her intimate dinner. I told her I thought that was rude because it made people seem like they were good enough for one event but not the other. 

  Long story short, I told her that I plan events based on proper etiquette. She told me I was making up laws and that she doesn't want me to have anything to do with planning her bday. Oh well. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  mzbda said:

  So I had a convo w my mom and she doesn't understand what she's planning is borderline tacky/rude. She was also planning a luncheon after church for the people who she didn't want to invite to her intimate dinner. I told her I thought that was rude because it made people seem like they were good enough for one event but not the other. 

  Long story short, I told her that I plan events based on proper etiquette. She told me I was making up laws and that she doesn't want me to have anything to do with planning her bday. Oh well. 

  Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
  

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