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Bridesmaids, but no MOH... how to divide the tasks?

frem0401frem0401 member
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in Wedding Party

I have decided not to have a Maid of Honor in my wedding.  Before I decided to do it this way I researched the idea online.  I read many articles stating that it can be more difficult this way because there is no MOH to do the traditional "MOH duties".  I have already run into this problem with my Bridesmaids so I wrote them a quick letter.  Will you guys please read it and let me know if I can make it better in any way?  I want to portray that I DO want a bridal shower and bachelorette party without "delegating" that task to anyone because I know it is rude to expect any of these things.  If they CHOOSE to throw me those parties I will consider myself blessed, but I would never ask them to.  But how are the bridesmaids supposed to know who should do it?  Hopefully that makes sense.  Here's my letter.... please leave your comments and suggestions!  Thank you in advance!

"I wanted to write you all a note… In case any of you didn’t know yet, I have asked all of you to be bridesmaids at my wedding!  I chose not to have a MOH—I love you all equally and have a unique relationship with each of you.  Just please know that because I didn’t choose a MOH doesn’t mean anything personal—I believe you will all be wonderful Bridesmaids!  I know that not having a MOH makes things more difficult as far as bridal showers/bachelorette party/speeches/rings/holding the bouquet type-of-stuff goes.  I’ve already had a few people ask me about this and I want to let you guys know that I do not expect anyone to host a bridal shower or bachelorette party for me.  I won’t be opposed to it if anyone wants to though either, I would love to have one!  ;)  I know they can be expensive and it already costs money to be a Bridesmaid…  The shoes!  The dress!  Anyway, this experience of wedding planning is all new to me!  So please bear with me as I figure everything out and if you guys are curious about anything or if I haven’t communicated something you are wondering about, let me know! 

Thank you all for saying “YES” to being in our wedding, I couldn’t think of any better group of girls to have standing beside me!"

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Re: Bridesmaids, but no MOH... how to divide the tasks?

  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Scrap it altogether.  You should not be broaching the subject of showers and bachelorette parties at all.  It is nobody's job to throw those for you; they are gifts that should be freely offered by whoever wants to and is able to give them.  By the way, if you're requiring specific shoes you need to pay for them.  On the other hand, if you just give them general guidelines for shoes in a neutral color (e.g. black  or silver) then they can use something they already have  or buy something that they find both comfortable and affordable.



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  • jneen101jneen101 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    frem0401 said:

     I have already run into this problem with my Bridesmaids so I wrote them a quick letter.

    What does this mean?  What duties have you expected them to complete already? 

    Your letter makes the whole thing sound like a job and you're their employer.  I would not suggest sending that letter or communicating any of those thoughts to them in any way. 

    What tasks need to be split up?  I don't even understand what you would be asking/telling them to do.
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Don't send this letter.  If your bridesmaids decide to throw you pre-wedding parties they will be able to plan among themselves.  And the only day-of tasks I can think of are one of them holding your bouquet during the ceremony and possibly another signing your marriage license as a witness- just assign whoever you prefer one-on-one, in person.

    And you'd mentioned shoes as an expense...I don't usually buy new shoes just because I'm a BM in a wedding, since I already own a few pairs of dress shoes.  If you're requiring a specific shoe you have to buy it for them.

     

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I have decided not to have a Maid of Honor in my wedding.  Before I decided to do it this way I researched the idea online.  I read many articles stating that it can be more difficult this way because there is no MOH to do the traditional "MOH duties".  I have already run into this problem with my Bridesmaids so I wrote them a quick letter.  Will you guys please read it and let me know if I can make it better in any way?  I want to portray that I DO want a bridal shower and bachelorette party without "delegating" that task to anyone because I know it is rude to expect any of these things.  If they CHOOSE to throw me those parties I will consider myself blessed, but I would never ask them to.  But how are the bridesmaids supposed to know who should do it?  Hopefully that makes sense.  Here's my letter.... please leave your comments and suggestions!  Thank you in advance!

    "I wanted to write you all a note… In case any of you didn’t know yet, I have asked all of you to be bridesmaids at my wedding! Does this mean that this is the way you are choosing to "ask" them to be in your wedding?  I chose not to have a MOH—I love you all equally and have a unique relationship with each of you.  Just please know that because I didn’t choose a MOH doesn’t mean anything personal—I believe you will all be wonderful Bridesmaids!  I know that not having a MOH makes things more difficult as far as bridal showers/bachelorette party/speeches/rings/holding the bouquet type-of-stuff goes. No it really doesn't.  I’ve already had a few people ask me about this and I want to let you guys know that I do not expect anyone to host a bridal shower or bachelorette party for me.  I won’t be opposed to it if anyone wants to though either, I would love to have one! This is basically telling them that you want and expect one ;)  I know they can be expensive and it already costs money to be a Bridesmaid…  The shoes! If you are requiring specific shoes then you should be paying for them. The dress!  Anyway, this experience of wedding planning is all new to me!  So please bear with me as I figure everything out and if you guys are curious about anything or if I haven’t communicated something you are wondering about, let me know! 

    Thank you all for saying “YES” to being in our wedding, I couldn’t think of any better group of girls to have standing beside me!"

    Don't send this letter.  You are talking to them like they are freaking idiots.  You don't have to explain why you don't have a MOH.  There are also no duties that a MOH does that you now need to disperse among your BMs.

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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    PPs gave great advice.  Another vote for not sending the letter.  You're basically asking for the shower and bach in a passive way, which is just as bad as asking outright.  Don't micromanage your BMs: they'll offer to help if they want, and if they don't offer, you don't ask.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don't send the letter.  The only thing I might send would be an email to everyone so that they all have each other's contact information.  But have no mentions of showers or b parties in the email.  Just a quick, hi all, just wanted to give everyone a way to contact each other if they need to!  I'm so thankful that you have all decided to be my bridesmaids!
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Another vote for not sending the letter. BMs dont have any tasks. Also, please not ask anyone to give a toast. If they want to, they will offer. Same goes for pre-wedding parties.
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Another don't send the letter. If they want to plan something for you they will plan it.
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  • vt&dtvt&dt member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Another vote to not send.

    Bridesmaid and MOH duties include: buying the dress the bride or party picks within their budget, showing up on time and sober for pictures/the ceremony.

    The only other thing I think is reasonable to really ask from your BP is for someone to help you bustle your dress in between the ceremony and reception.

    Your letter to them sounds condescending and passive-aggresive.  If someone I considered a close friend wrote or spoke to me in that way, I'd be offended and no longer excited to be in the BP.
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  • EllieAugustEllieAugust member
    100 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    I also chose not to have a MOH.  I sent an email that just said Thank you guys for all being part of my wedding and to just introduce them to each other because a few of them don't live in state.  I have been that bridesmaid before who didn't know anyone, and was glad that the bride had started the introduction.

    I said nothing about showers or parties or really even wedding related.  In terms of the bridal showers and bachelorette party, they happened naturally (aka someone offered to throw it).  I don't think you need to mention them, I think they will figure it out themselves.  
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Don't send the letter.

    The only "duties" your BM's have is to buy the dress that was decided upon based on their budget, show up to the ceremony dressed, on time, and sober, hold a bouquet, and walk down the aisle.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Another vote for: Don't send the letter.

    There are no "tasks" or "duties" for your bridesmaids to complete other than to wear the designated outfit, which you need to get their budgets for so they don't have to risk going broke to be in your wedding; show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, and walk down the aisle and back in the ceremony.

    Sending this letter is going to make you look like a bridezilla.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You divide your list of duties between you and your fi. The bms aren't required to do anything but buy the dresses and show up on time for the wedding. The bm who's standing closest to you will hold your bouquet. NBD. 

    The bms (or other friends or family members), will let you know if they wish to host a party for you. Otherwise, don't bring it up. 
                       
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