What would you do if you were living 3,000 miles away from your hometown, family and friends?

[Deleted User] · January 2014

I currently live in Southern California, and have for 2.5 years. My ENTIRE family and friends who would be attending all live in NY. About 30% of them would be able to come to the wedding, while the rest are either not sure or can't make the trip due to how much it would cost or age. I know a lot of people say "well if they can't go then they really aren't meant to be there". I guess that's just not how I see things. I'm torn between the two states. I love them both and obviously in ways it would be easier for me to plan a wedding here in CA rather than NY. A select few are really excited to make the journey out here and see this gorgeous state so it's not like everyone isn't entirely happy if it goes in that direction. I just want a lot of people fo be able to come, especially for them to mean so much to me. I also want weather I can depend on, and the least amount of stress. My fiancé is from Kansas and we do not want a wedding there. His family is fine with traveling to wherever the wedding may be. His point if view is that he would rather it be in CA but also knows that it would mean a lot for the majority of family to be able to attend. I guess we could have two receptions if need be but we arent exactly in the position to be spending more money than need be. Anyways, an opinion on this would really help, especially from somone who's "been there, done that". Thank you everyone!

arrippa · January 2014

I am the opposite of you; I live on the East Coast but grew up in Cali. All my family is there but we are having our wedding here. I know that some people cannot make it but that's the choice we made. We had to decide what works for us as a couple. We are paying for it 100% so it's a little easier than trying to coordinate between families (since our families live in diffferent states). Also, I will still send invites to the people who indicated they cannot make it because you never know. Plans do change.

This is a decision that you and Fi (and whoever is paying for the wedding) should make. Don't let guilt sway you in a decision that you don't want to go.

manateehugger · January 2014

rachaelannwaite35 said:

I really appreciate all of the help with this everyone. I know it's something that my FI and I need to make, but I really did need some input on this. To add, as far as we know, we are the only two paying for the wedding...he is actually in the Marine's and the other problem we are running into is that he gets his next orders by July 2015, which is before we were planning on having the wedding, so obviously we are in a funk. Not to mention as many of you may know getting orders could be at any moment before then. Definitely have a lot of thinking to do and budgeting. Thank you so much everyone. I really needed some advice on this.

Fellow future military spouse here.

1. Ditto Lynda's advice on military clauses. Get it in writing with every single vendor that you can move your deposit to another available date in the event that your FI gets deployed or cannot take leave.

2. Do not bank on when or if you'll get orders. It will be a miracle if orders due a year and a half from now come in when they are supposed to come in. Like you said; he could be told to PCS far sooner than that or far later than that.

3. Personal opinion: we chose partly to have our wedding in our hometown because FI is military. We could have had a wedding in Colorado, but we didn't want to bank on the fact that he was still PCSing out here. We've seen last minute orders too often. If I were you, with the uncertainty of the military, I'd plan the wedding in the location you know you'll have some personal or family infrastructure. I did not want to plan a destination wedding by accident.

manateehugger · January 2014

This is really only a question you and your FI can answer.

For me, family and friends trump location every time. Planning a wedding long distance isn't the hardest thing in the world.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

You make the best decision you can, based on what's more important to you: location or attendance. No matter what you pick, some people won't come. That's just the nature of weddings.

Sit down and make a list of your VIPs, the people you absolutely could not imagine not having at your wedding. Figure out which of those people would be unable to attend, and how upset you'll be if they're not there.

Then decide if you're OK with that list of people not being there.

If you decide to have two 'receptions,' the one in New York needs to have no trappings of a wedding: no vows or cake cutting and feeding or first dance or attendants.

Viczaesar · January 2014

rachaelannwaite35 said:

I currently live in Southern California, and have for 2.5 years. My ENTIRE family and friends who would be attending all live in NY. About 30% of them would be able to come to the wedding, while the rest are either not sure or can't make the trip due to how much it would cost or age. I know a lot of people say "well if they can't go then they really aren't meant to be there". I guess that's just not how I see things. I'm torn between the two states. I love them both and obviously in ways it would be easier for me to plan a wedding here in CA rather than NY. A select few are really excited to make the journey out here and see this gorgeous state so it's not like everyone isn't entirely happy if it goes in that direction. I just want a lot of people fo be able to come, especially for them to mean so much to me. I also want weather I can depend on, and the least amount of stress. My fiancé is from Kansas and we do not want a wedding there. His family is fine with traveling to wherever the wedding may be. His point if view is that he would rather it be in CA but also knows that it would mean a lot for the majority of family to be able to attend. I guess we could have two receptions if need be but we arent exactly in the position to be spending more money than need be. Anyways, an opinion on this would really help, especially from somone who's "been there, done that". Thank you everyone!

FWIW, I think that's a ridiculous POV.

phira · January 2014

It honestly comes down to whether or not you'd rather have the wedding in New York and have more people be able to attend, or if you'd rather have it in California and have a lot of people not make it. I don't think you should feel bad either way. I mean, you won't have to defend your decision to me if you decide to have the wedding in CA.

AddieCake · January 2014

For me, personally, trying to plan a wedding long distance would have been a pain in the ass. However, it sounds like from your post that you REALLY want your family there, and it sounds like your heart is in NY for this. This is a question only you and your fiance can answer.

KPBM89 · January 2014

We're having our wedding in my home state, which is 800 miles away from us. And every trip we make there, we have to drive because of our dogs. Sure, it's been a pain in the ass trying to organize things back home, but my family has been more than wonderful with helping. My mom and brother have been getting in touch with people they know for various things (my mom is a chef, so she arranged a deal with her beer guy; a family friend is a DJ and will do our music for only $300; my brother's friend does catering; his friend runs a photobooth).

But of course, not everyone has the same situation as we do, and it really is up to you and your FI. We didn't want to ask 105 people to make the trip, knowing we'd have tons of declines: we chose to be the ones inconvenienced. I would rather struggle now with doing things long distance than to not share our wedding day with our friends and family.

lyndausvi · January 2014

I was living on a small Caribbean island when we got married. Our friends all lived in the mid-atlantic/northeast area. We planned our wedding in NJ, which was OOT for everyone. None of my family were in the area either.

Maybe I'm just more efficient than some or just confident with my choices? IDK, I didn't find planning from that far away difficult at all. At no time did I think "man I wish I picked where I lived because it would be so much easier to plan".

I made 2 trips to the location. One was 10 months out, the other was 3 months out (that one was my dress fitting and shower). I don't think I really had to see the venue on that trip, but did since I was in the area anyway. We also showed up on the wed before the sat wedding to firm up plans.

That said, this was only my experience, it's clear others do find planning from that far a hassle. Only you and your FI can decide where you want your wedding. I would have loved to get married in the islands, but my having our families there was way more important to us than location. We knew many people couldn't afford to come to us (both monetary and vacation time) so we came almost to them (basically half way between the 2 families).

GL, it's can be a hard choice, but once you make the choice do not second guess and just go with it.

sarahufl · January 2014

FI and I live in NYC, his entire extended family lives in the tri-state area. I am from Tallahassee and there was no way I wasn't getting married in my hometown. So far, planning has been a breeze. We got engaged there (I was visiting family and he came down as a surprise). Picked the venue that weekend, we spent a couple days there last week doing planning and we are almost done.

Planning from a distance doesn't have to be hard, but you do need to be organized. Good luck!

kittypolishnbags · January 2014

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in. This is something you and your FI will have to talk over and decide. I was born and raised in the Philippines so the only ones from my immediate family that's coming is my parents. Not even my brothers are coming, but we do what we can do and this is what I and my FI has decided. The people that matters to us the most are mostly where we are right now and my cousins from my mother's side all reside in PA and will do their best to get to my wedding. If they can't make it, I'll live and be married to the man I love still while knowing that they really wanted to be here.

lyndausvi · January 2014

kittypolishnbags said:

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in. This is something you and your FI will have to talk over and decide. I was born and raised in the Philippines so the only ones from my immediate family that's coming is my parents. Not even my brothers are coming, but we do what we can do and this is what I and my FI has decided. The people that matters to us the most are mostly where we are right now and my cousins from my mother's side all reside in PA and will do their best to get to my wedding. If they can't make it, I'll live and be married to the man I love still while knowing that they really wanted to be here.

i really, really hate that line. It's not that simple. No amount of wanting to attend will get a deployed soldier to a wedding. No amount of wanting would get a few thousands of dollars in someone's account to be able to travel cross country. No amount of wanting will get a NFL football player off on a Sunday in the fall. No amount of wanting would get my DH off around christmas time to attend an OOT wedding.

People will attend if they it works in their schedule and finances. If they can't make it does not mean they did really want to attend.

manateehugger · January 2014

kittypolishnbags said:

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in. This is something you and your FI will have to talk over and decide. I was born and raised in the Philippines so the only ones from my immediate family that's coming is my parents. Not even my brothers are coming, but we do what we can do and this is what I and my FI has decided. The people that matters to us the most are mostly where we are right now and my cousins from my mother's side all reside in PA and will do their best to get to my wedding. If they can't make it, I'll live and be married to the man I love still while knowing that they really wanted to be here.I

I'm sorry, but this is such bullshit.

I'm a grad student; my schedule sucks and I'm poor. I have tried like hell to make it to a couple close friends' weddings, but I both didn't have the money for it and didn't have a schedule I could get around to book a flight. Me not dropping money I can't afford on a plane ticket, and skipping classes and work to watch you get married shouldn't be viewed as "I didn't really want to make it there."

Also, I guarantee you my FI would have rather watched two of his best friends get married than sit around in Afghanistan. I know for a fact two of FI's groomsmen would rather be able to stand up at our wedding than sit in Afghanistan.

Life doesn't become simple and rearranged because someone else is getting married.

phira · January 2014

kittypolishnbags said:

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in.

This broke graduate student with an unpredictable schedule has had to decline invitations to weddings she really wanted to attend. You are SUPER wrong.

Xandy417 · January 2014

I originally planned for my wedding to be in California where my family lived while my husband and I live in Wisconsin. It wasn't really that difficult to plan long distance. We eventually gave up our deposits and changed our wedding location to Wisconsin when I had a falling out with my family. Its not too hard to plan a long distance wedding.

kittypolishnbags · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

kittypolishnbags said:

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in. This is something you and your FI will have to talk over and decide. I was born and raised in the Philippines so the only ones from my immediate family that's coming is my parents. Not even my brothers are coming, but we do what we can do and this is what I and my FI has decided. The people that matters to us the most are mostly where we are right now and my cousins from my mother's side all reside in PA and will do their best to get to my wedding. If they can't make it, I'll live and be married to the man I love still while knowing that they really wanted to be here.

i really, really hate that line. It's not that simple. No amount of wanting to attend will get a deployed soldier to a wedding. No amount of wanting would get a few thousands of dollars in someone's account to be able to travel cross country. No amount of wanting will get a NFL football player off on a Sunday in the fall. No amount of wanting would get my DH off around christmas time to attend an OOT wedding.

People will attend if they it works in their schedule and finances. If they can't make it does not mean they did really want to attend.

PDKH said:

kittypolishnbags said:

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in. This is something you and your FI will have to talk over and decide. I was born and raised in the Philippines so the only ones from my immediate family that's coming is my parents. Not even my brothers are coming, but we do what we can do and this is what I and my FI has decided. The people that matters to us the most are mostly where we are right now and my cousins from my mother's side all reside in PA and will do their best to get to my wedding. If they can't make it, I'll live and be married to the man I love still while knowing that they really wanted to be here.I

I'm sorry, but this is such bullshit.

I'm a grad student; my schedule sucks and I'm poor. I have tried like hell to make it to a couple close friends' weddings, but I both didn't have the money for it and didn't have a schedule I could get around to book a flight. Me not dropping money I can't afford on a plane ticket, and skipping classes and work to watch you get married shouldn't be viewed as "I didn't really want to make it there."

Also, I guarantee you my FI would have rather watched two of his best friends get married than sit around in Afghanistan. I know for a fact two of FI's groomsmen would rather be able to stand up at our wedding than sit in Afghanistan.

Life doesn't become simple and rearranged because someone else is getting married.

phira said:

kittypolishnbags said:

If your guests really want to attend, they will do everything in their power to do so in whatever situation in life they're in.

This broke graduate student with an unpredictable schedule has had to decline invitations to weddings she really wanted to attend. You are SUPER wrong.

Calm down guys. I said they'll do everything in their power that they CAN to make it. Stuff happens. I'm not saying that those that really want to be there will be the ones that make it. I may not have phrased it clear enough but that's not what I meant. What I meant is people who really want to be there will try their hardest to be there in whatever circumstances they're in. Sorry that that wasn't what it came across.

BeyondHappy · January 2014

From your post, I'm getting that your parents live in NY and they would be hosting your family wedding in NY where your family lives - so you need to get to NY for your wedding. Someone in CA can have a party a couple of months after the wedding and introduce you and FI as newly married.

short+sassy · January 2014

I did this. I currently live in the South, but grew up in So. Cal. I was planning to have a small wedding in my backyard. However, my mom (who lives in my So. Cal. hometown) offered her house. The more my FI and I thought about it, the more it made sense to have the wedding in CA. Everyone we were going to invite already lived there or would have had to travel either way.

Of course, the big caveat with that is I had my mom to do all the planning (she offered). If I had to do all/most of it myself from so far away, I don't think I would have.

candace4erich · January 2014

About a year and a half ago, my FI and I moved to Seattle. My family lives in Tenneesee and Florida, and all of his family lives in Florida. We batted around TN and FL wedding ideas, but ultimately we decided that - because we moved to Seattle for a reason (we LOVE this city) - we wanted the wedding here. This causes some logistical headaches (our wedding party is scattered across the US and the Best Man is currently in Thailand), but our wedding is about our story. Our story brought us to Seattle and that's where we want to host. We also had an immediate venue in mind that we now get to share with everyone!

On one hand, it helps with our budget because the distance forces a smaller wedding. On the other hand, we also have lots of family that can't make it. My brother and nephews included. One idea that we have is to webcast the ceremony. This is fairly simple with today's technology and would allow anyone around the world to watch. You could also password protect it to prevent creepers.

Long story short - this is YOUR story. You and your FI need to decided where you want it to take place and figure the rest out from there.

Liatris2010 · January 2014

We live in FL, our families are in NY. We got married in NY, no regrets. A lot of our older family members wouldn't have made the trip to FL, and it was important to us to make it so they could attend. Planning wasn't bad at all. My local board was awesome, our parents pre-checked venues before we made the trip to visit, and we only considered all-inclusive venues, so that we wouldn't have a ton of things to coordinate from far away.

princessleia22 · January 2014

Being scattered across country is always a tough situation. It really is up to you and what is most important to you. Nobody else can answer this one for you.

I live in AZ, FI's immediate family lives in AZ, but he also has family in FL and TN. Most of my family is in MI, but I also have close family in FL. So, there was no good location. Anywhere we had the wedding would result in people traveling and people not able to attend. So, instead of deciding which family to accommodate, we decided to have a destination wedding in New Orleans instead, right in the middle where nobody lives. We did small guest list and invited only about 75 people, only family and best friends, but only about 35 are planning to attend.

We originally planned to do "at home receptions" in both MI and FL for all the people that couldn't attend or we weren't able to invite. Nothing big or extravagant. We were going to just do an informal get together hosted at each of our parents homes and cook out on the grill... hamburgers or BBQ. It didn't need to be anything fancy or wedding-like. It was just an opportunity for our family and friends to meet the spouse and say congratulations. So, wherever you do the wedding, you could do a party at the other location, and it doesn't have to be anything big or fancy. Even ordering pizza or something... it is just a party after all. Who says that it has to be formal and expensive?

[Deleted User] · January 2014

I really appreciate all of the help with this everyone. I know it's something that my FI and I need to make, but I really did need some input on this. To add, as far as we know, we are the only two paying for the wedding...he is actually in the Marine's and the other problem we are running into is that he gets his next orders by July 2015, which is before we were planning on having the wedding, so obviously we are in a funk. Not to mention as many of you may know getting orders could be at any moment before then. Definitely have a lot of thinking to do and budgeting. Thank you so much everyone. I really needed some advice on this.

Muscato02 · January 2014

My FI and I have lived in Virginia for 4 years now. My family all lives in NY, and his family is spread out across the country. After weighing all the pros and cons, we decided to have our wedding in Virginia. Him and I are both happy with the decision, but have some family members who are not.

Planning a wedding has taught me that you cannot possibly please everyone. Regardless of what decision it is (location, dresses, food, church/officiant, invitations, etc.) someone will not be happy. My best advice is to weigh your options, and go from there. Make the choices that you think will work the best for your situation, and will make you and your FI happy.

lyndausvi · January 2014

rachaelannwaite35 said:

I really appreciate all of the help with this everyone. I know it's something that my FI and I need to make, but I really did need some input on this. To add, as far as we know, we are the only two paying for the wedding...he is actually in the Marine's and the other problem we are running into is that he gets his next orders by July 2015, which is before we were planning on having the wedding, so obviously we are in a funk. Not to mention as many of you may know getting orders could be at any moment before then. Definitely have a lot of thinking to do and budgeting. Thank you so much everyone. I really needed some advice on this.

Do not forget military clauses for all your vendors once you figure out where you will have the wedding. It helps in case orders or deployments are changed.

Good luck.

What would you do if you were living 3,000 miles away from your hometown, family and friends?

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