Pre-wedding Parties

Sensitive to Judgmental Family....

My boyfriend and I are getting married privately in Napa CA in April.  We have a limited budget and our families live eight hours apart, and his is huge and mine isnt too small, so we opted to just go away.  I am excited for it! Between some work stuff, his rugby stuff, room availability and saving money, we will do family receptions (just dinners with food and alcohol and cake) in our respective towns in June/July.  We are paying for those out of pocket and dont want gifts from anyone. His will be about 120 people and then I will have one here for another 60 or so.

Anyway,  so my aunt called one night and said she wanted to throw me a shower. I told her i wasnt sure bc i dont want gifts - dont need anything for one (im 31 and have everything i need), and also wasnt doing a traditional wedding that people were invited to so didnt want to do a traditional registry anyway.  I told her I;d think about it.

I did want to do a party, just bc i got engaged over christmas and went to my bf's town for christmas, and the wedding is over easter weekend, so basically I wouldnt be seeing a lot of my family members in the time between getting engaged and married unless we had a get-together. I thought it would be nice but didntwant gifts.  my aunt, though, kept saying it should be a "shower" w gifts.

After thinking about it and talking to some people, friends and people online, a few people suggested like a "bring of bottle of wine" thing.  It fit w our Napa theme, and its a way to bring something but you can get a bottle of wine for a few bucks...OR if you really insist on splurging, its wine, there is tons of pricier wine if someone wants it to feel more like a we love wine, it keeps forever, and we will be buying a house in a few months and i was telling my aunt how my boyfriend/fiance wants to build ma little "wine cellar" in the basement to start our collection.

Anyway she said all that was great, i told her where i was coming from with it all and why i was excited about that idea.  she was very much like ok! sounds good.

But then a few days later she was out with my dad, and he told me she seemed confused about my choice, and doesnt know why anyone would want or need "that much wine."  

Basically where I am at is that after hearing that, I just sort of want to tell her never mind, thanks but no thanks on the party/shower. I dont need judgment or negative opinions. I am being the opposite of greedy about all this. I just want a private relaxing day to get married and am spending plenty out of pocket a couple months later to have a nice get together for my family...getting zero monetary help and expect nothing in return. Yet, i give in to one thing and am already getting judged for my choices, having something I was excited about and turning it to something negative, by the very person who was offering help.

What do I do? I was thinking of just telling her that I thought about it and since i didnt want gifts and our family party is still three months after the wedding, that i dont think a shower will really fit the timing of it all, but i appreciate it. I ahve an extended family that just has a history of being close minded and judgmental and overly opinionated about everything.  My fiance has also noticed that my mom's side o the faily is positive and nice and doesnt talk about others, while my dads side bitch a lot and gossip and talk behind each others backs, even the nicer ones like my aunt. So yeah, im thinking ill scrap it all. Getting married to my husband will be a memory that is mine and his and I dont want to drag the negative or judgmental people into my experience that much if it's gonna put a damper on things.

Re: Sensitive to Judgmental Family....

  • Well technically, you should only invite people you're inviting to your wedding to your shower. Since you're eloping (which sounds lovely), you can't really have a shower. So call your aunt up and say thank you so much, but I don't feel comfortable having a shower. And then stick to that. 
  • If I still end up doing it, am only inviting people to it that are invited to our reception.  but yeah, I think if I go back on saying it's ok, i will just tell my Aunt that it's bc i truly want to stick to the wedding shower only with a traditional ceremony custom.  Definitely will NOT mention to her that she roped me into this and then crapped on any excitement I had mustered for it by then turning around and picking on my preferences. 

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Tell her you need that much wine to deal with her. I'm kidding. Yeah, just decline and say you are not comfortable with a shower since you are eloping. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
  • LOL yeah, seriously........
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