Uninvite Ex-Boyfriend who may have feelings?

Re: Uninvite Ex-Boyfriend who may have feelings?

• clg1213 member

  

  January 2014

  Generally speaking, uninviting is very much against good etiquette. It is a bit less of a violation since you haven't sent him anything and it was just verbal. I think it is pretty clear that you don't have feelings for him given that you are marrying someone else! Do you think he plans to come? How does FI feel about the invite? I'd be tempted to just not send anything and quietly not invite him without a big fuss, but you'd need to be ready for an email or call checking in and have some explanation ready ("We had to pare down the list for budget reasons," "I know we're friends now, but since we had a relationship before I realized that it might be uncomfortable for FI and I was too quick to extend the verbal invite").

  

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• clg1213 member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  double post...apologies!

  

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• Teddy917 member

  

  January 2014

  You have to invite him. If he feels awkward about it, he can decide not to come.

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  January 2014

  I don't think you have to invite him...I would just not say anything...and just not send an STDate or invite

  

  
  

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• phira member

  

  January 2014

  Honestly, I think I need to know more about the situation to advise you here. Why did you decide to invite him? How did you phrase your verbal invitation? What has happened since you invited him that has led you to believe he still has feelings for you?

  
  

  In general (lurkers, hey, listen up), it is a really terrible idea to invite an ex to your wedding unless everything between you is really so far in the past, and you are inviting them because you are actually friends for realsies. I know people who've invited exes because they've felt guilty because all their mutual friends are invited, people who've invited exes because they're trying to be friends, and people who've invited exes because they want to rub their marriage in their ex's face (yes, that last one is true).

  
  

  You don't want to invite someone who's uncomfortable being at their ex-partner's wedding. You don't want to invite someone as an olive branch (in general). You don't want to invite someone your fiance(e) is uncomfortable having at the wedding. You don't want to invite someone who may make a scene. Etc. etc.

  
  

  There are always exceptions. One of my close friends was just the best woman for her first ex-boyfriend (she's good friends with his wife and their relationship is very sibling-y; they haven't been in a relationship in 10 years). My partner is inviting one of his exes to our wedding because she's been his friend since grade school and they treat each other like cousins. We hope she's up for coming, although we also hope that she'll decline if she's uncomfortable. So far, no indication that she's anything except excited.

  
  

  tl;dr: OP, please give us more details. Everyone else, in general, be careful about why you're inviting exes.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  I ditto @phira. Can you uninvite him? Yes. But it's a friendship-ending move, so if you do it, you'd better mean it.
  
  And if you think he still has feelings for you, you need to re-evaluate having a friendship with him. If he's carrying a torch for you, you need to give him time and distance to heal. That's only fair to him and to your FI.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2014

  LaurettaLuLu said:

  I verbally invited my ex-boyfriend to our wedding shortly after our engagement. I think that he may still have feelings/regrets about me and that I made a mistake inviting him. I do not have feelings for him. I think it could be awkward on the big day. Can I uninvite him? If so, what is the etiquette? Is e-mailing okay so that I do not open up a phone conversation? Is it too late and I should just invite him and be polite that day?  We are sending out our save-the-dates tomorrow. I am inviting some of our mutual friends and am sure they will ask him if he is going. I appreciate your thoughts and help!
  

  Ditto Phira.  

  

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• Amyzen83 member

  

  January 2014

  I'm with phira I need a bit more info in order to give the best advice

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2014

  Don't send him a STD. That will give you time to think about it. If you and your ex boyfriend hang out with the same crowd, it could be very awkward to un- invite him. By the time your wedding rolls around, he may have a girlfriend that you will include on his invitation. 

  
  

  If he's done something bold, such as profess his undying love for you or he's made sexual advances, that's another story. You should skip inviting him, no need to explain, unless he asks. 

                     

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• photokitty mod

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  If he is professing his love or sharing regrets you should make the friendship ending move.

  
  

  My best friend was also my high school sweetheart. We were best friends, date senior year and I insisted we break up upon going to college. We stayed best friends. He got married and so did I. I got divorced and he told me he had thought about leaving his wife for me, but knew I was married…now I wasn't…

  That was the last time I spoke to him. It wasn't fair to her or me for that matter. Let alone my future dates/BF/DH - who I haven't met yet.

  
  

  If someone is not over you, and you are getting married, how would your FI feel bout him being there? Or you being friends for that matter? I have lots of guy friends and don't put up with jealousy. But this is not a jealousy issue if he is telling you he regrets you two breaking up and still has feeling for you. You should distance yourself from him. 

  
  

  If he is not actually telling you he regrets or still has feelings - could you be misinterpreting his words?

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  January 2014

  An invite is an invite, whether it's written or verbal.  It would be rude to uninvite him at this point.

  
  

  But an ex who still has feelings for you is more important than a slight.  If you decide not to invite him, don't explain why.  Don't invite him because you are cutting him from you life.  If he asks you why, don't lie about budget.  Be honest and tell him that you want to cut ties.  

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• HaileyDancingbear member

  

  January 2014

  Well first off, I'd have to question how certain you are about him still having feelings.  Is this gossip you heard somewhere?  Did he tell you flat out he still has feelings?  Did he make a move?  Or is he just really friendly and you're over thinking it?  

  
  

  Unless he's flat out told you he has feelings for you, or has tried to make a move on you, I'd say just send him an invite. If he does still have feelings for you, and he gets an invite, he can just not come.  If he gets an invite to the wedding of someone he still has feelings for, and decides to torture himself by coming anyways, that's not your problem.  And I doubt he'd show up and try to ruin your wedding.  That's the kind of huge gesture you'd get from someone who is very open with you about his feelings, and given that you're not even sure he still has feelings, he clearly isn't.  Since he's keeping it quiet expect quiet sulking at most if he has feelings.

  
  

  Seriously though, unless you have concrete proof he has feelings, please just invite him and let him decide on his own if he wants to come or not.  You can't just un-invite him because he MAY have feelings, because he also may not have feelings and be offended that A. You took back your invite and B. you're assuming he has feelings for you- something that would make you come across as really self-centered if you're wrong.  I mean, if someone just assumed you had feelings for them when you didn't, wouldn't the first thought in your mind be along the lines of "Someone's a bit full of themselves today?"  (Not that I'm calling you full of yourself. I don't know you.)  If you're not sure and you un-invite him, you're gambling your friendship over what could be nothing.  

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2014

  Thank you all so much for your wonderful and helpful advice! Your ideas have helped me to decide to invite him.
  
  First, I want to keep my word, and if I invited someone verbally, then that is that. I invited him because I have been reconnecting with this group of friends, and I phrased it in the context of us having been friends for so long. However, I did it without thinking it through, and what could have been a more thoughtful decision up front turned into an urgent "either invite him or expect to literally blow up the friendship".
  
  Second, we have multiple mutual friends whose weddings we will be at in the next few years. I would like to keep it friendly.
  
  Third, how very embarrassing that would be if he has no feelings for me at all and I waltz in accusing him of having feelings that he has not even spoken of. He is generally a flirty and outgoing person, and he is probably just treating me like he does most women. Phew!
  
  Thank you very much again! Your advice has helped me to feel confident in my decision and put-to-bed an over-discussed topic with my FI. Take care!
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  As PPs have noted, in general, if you verbally invite someone you need to follow up with an invitation.  But I don't think you need to send him an STD. 
  
  If you invite him and it turns out that he does have feelings for you, you will need to figure out how to deal with it.  But I'd wait and see if that's the case before you take any steps along those lines.
  

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• Marzipan13 member

  

  January 2014

  It would be rude to uninvite him; but if you're thinking of uninviting him, why did you invite him in the first place?

  
  

  As most PPs said, I think we need more information.  On one hand, if you're truly friends now, why does it matter if he has feelings still?  That's his problem, and he may decide not to come anyway.  On the other hand, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.  It doesn't matter if every man at the party is in love with you - if  this guy a respectful, good friend, and will put his romantic feelings aside for just a few hours, I don't see what it would harm.

  
  

  If you think he's gonna be a creep about it, I'm not sure why he was invited to begin with....  

  

  
  

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• MuppetOverlord member

  

  January 2014

  One of my closest friends has been deeply in love with me most of our lives. He proposed to me once. We've moved beyond that. He was part of my bridal party.
  
  Another one of my close friends, who was a boyfriend of mine for years - I chose not to invite him to my wedding because it made my husband uncomfortable as they had not met yet. I invited the rest of his family to the wedding....but I had a really long talk with him on the phone before hand and he was understanding and supportive. He still has feelings for me too, but if he'd come, he would've been very respectful and happy for me.
  
  I think if your ex is uncomfortable, he will decline to attend. I am guessing you wouldn't have included him initially if you didn't care to have him in your life to some extent still... I also am guessing you're not concerned about him making a scene. Just let it be his decision at this point. I am guessing regardless, he will be respectful of you and your wedding
  

  
  
  You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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