Inviting parent's cousins

sdestefano12 · January 2014

My fiance's mother (mother of the groom) is an only child & her parents are no longer alive. Because of this, she is trying to make me & my fiance feel bad and guilt-trip us into inviting all her cousins, their kids, an aunt, and a couple of her friends to our wedding. We were hoping to do something small, intimate, and affordable. Not to mention, almost all of her cousins are rude to me, and most to my fiance as well. We do not see these people are holidays, birthdays, etc. His mom is very close to them but refuses to see how rude they are to us (me, especially). Both my fiance and I do not want them there, but she won't back down (my fiance has talked to her several times). I know she is going to confront me. Am I wrong to say that we don't want them there??

Maggie0829 · January 2014

sdestefano12 said:

My fiance's mother (mother of the groom) is an only child & her parents are no longer alive. Because of this, she is trying to make me & my fiance feel bad and guilt-trip us into inviting all her cousins, their kids, an aunt, and a couple of her friends to our wedding. We were hoping to do something small, intimate, and affordable. Not to mention, almost all of her cousins are rude to me, and most to my fiance as well. We do not see these people are holidays, birthdays, etc. His mom is very close to them but refuses to see how rude they are to us (me, especially). Both my fiance and I do not want them there, but she won't back down (my fiance has talked to her several times). I know she is going to confront me. Am I wrong to say that we don't want them there??

Who is paying for the wedding.

And as you should not be handling this, your FI should because it is his Mother.

But to be fair, I can see why she would want some family to be invited since she has no siblings and both of her parents are dead. But as to how much of that family you invite depends really on my first question.

sdestefano12 · January 2014

My parents will be paying for the majority. My fiance and I will be contributing some of our own money towards it as well. His parent's are not paying for any of it. I do feel bad she has no family left, and I would be more than willing to invite a few people if it weren't that they made my fiance and I so uncomfortable! They're mostly just not nice people. The very few that are nice, & my fiance offered to invite them, but his mom said "Ok, great.. invite them.. and the rest of my cousins." So frustrating! I almost feel like saying forget the wedding, I can't take the stress! We are both really shy as it is, I hate a lot of attention, so we really wanted to do something small. I'm trying to prepare myself for her confronting me.. its only a matter of time

JoanE2012 · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

sdestefano12 said:

My fiance's mother (mother of the groom) is an only child & her parents are no longer alive. Because of this, she is trying to make me & my fiance feel bad and guilt-trip us into inviting all her cousins, their kids, an aunt, and a couple of her friends to our wedding. We were hoping to do something small, intimate, and affordable. Not to mention, almost all of her cousins are rude to me, and most to my fiance as well. We do not see these people are holidays, birthdays, etc. His mom is very close to them but refuses to see how rude they are to us (me, especially). Both my fiance and I do not want them there, but she won't back down (my fiance has talked to her several times). I know she is going to confront me. Am I wrong to say that we don't want them there??

Who is paying for the wedding.

And as you should not be handling this, your FI should because it is his Mother.

But to be fair, I can see why she would want some family to be invited since she has no siblings and both of her parents are dead. But as to how much of that family you invite depends really on my first question.

This. I also think I need further clarification on the "rudeness" issue. Because even if she is not paying and you are (or your parents), I think there should be some allocation of invitations to his side of the family. There's nothing wrong with small, intimate and affordable.....but if it's only your family, I can understand why she would feel slighted.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

Tell her that the guest list is closed. If you and your FI want to, go ahead and invite those few that he enjoys.

If she confronts you, tell her that you and FI have already made your decisions and that she should speak with him. If he says no, she needs to learn that she can't get a different answer by going around him to you.

sdestefano12 · January 2014

My parents will be paying for the majority. My fiance and I will be contributing some of our own money towards it as well. His parent's are not paying for any of it. I do feel bad she has no family left, and I would be more than willing to invite a few people if it weren't that they made my fiance and I so uncomfortable! They're mostly just not nice people. The very few that are nice, & my fiance offered to invite them, but his mom said "Ok, great.. invite them.. and the rest of my cousins." So frustrating! I almost feel like saying forget the wedding, I can't take the stress! We are both really shy as it is, I hate a lot of attention, so we really wanted to do something small. I'm trying to prepare myself for her confronting me.. its only a matter of time

To clarify, half (or more) of the wedding is his family. His father has 5 sibling and my fiance has 20+ first cousins we are inviting. He is very close with his father's side of the family & they will all be invited. His mother's family will always ignore both my fiance and I at the rare event that we do see them.. Or (even worse), they will come up to my fiance and hug/kiss him & just look at me (not say a word!) and walk away. And there was even one situation in which my fiance and his mother's friend (who she calls her sister & insists is at the wedding) got into a fight at a 50th birthday party.. drama!!

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

sdestefano12 said:

My parents will be paying for the majority. Then they get a say in the guest list and can invite whom they wish. My fiance and I will be contributing some of our own money towards it as well. His parent's are not paying for any of it. Then they don't get a huge say in your list or veto power, but you and your FI should discuss guests that they would like to invite and try to accommodate them. It wouldn't be kind to not allow your FI and his family to invite anyone from his side. I do feel bad she has no family left, and I would be more than willing to invite a few people if it weren't that they made my fiance and I so uncomfortable! They're mostly just not nice people. The very few that are nice, & my fiance offered to invite them, but his mom said "Ok, great.. invite them.. and the rest of my cousins." It's best to invite in circles so as not to risk offending or causing family drama if one set of cousins are invited, but the rest are not, for example. Depending on what your budget is, your FI could tell his mother that she can invite X people and then stand firm on that. If you get push back, your FI can say, "I'm sorry mom but due to venue size restrictions we can only accommodate X people from our side." So frustrating! I almost feel like saying forget the wedding, I can't take the stress! We are both really shy as it is, I hate a lot of attention, so we really wanted to do something small. I'm trying to prepare myself for her confronting me.. its only a matter of time Don't engage her if she confronts you, your FI should handle these types of situations with his parents.

To clarify, half (or more) of the wedding is his family. His father has 5 sibling and my fiance has 20+ first cousins we are inviting. He is very close with his father's side of the family & they will all be invited. His mother's family will always ignore both my fiance and I at the rare event that we do see them.. Ok, so make it a point to go up to them and engage them in conversation. Turn the tables on them and make them feel uncomfortable by politely interacting with them. Or (even worse), they will come up to my fiance and hug/kiss him & just look at me (not say a word!) and walk away. Before they walk away say, "Hi Relative, so nice to see you! How are you?" Let them know that you are aware of their rude behavior and will have none of it by taking the initiative to engage them in a friendly manner when they attempt to snub you. Be as obnoxiously nice as you can about it too. And there was even one situation in which my fiance and his mother's friend (who she calls her sister & insists is at the wedding) got into a fight at a 50th birthday party.. drama!!

AddieCake · January 2014

If they are not in your lives on a regular basis and are rude to you when they ARE, I would not invite them.

photokitty · January 2014

Random question - are FI's parents still married? If not, I can totally understand her waiting to have some of her family there.

I would tell her she can invite X amount of people and let her choose who those people are. If there are 2 or 4 people at your wedding who ignore you when they see you - you probably won't even notice them. I would not invite the whole clan tho.

sdestefano12 · January 2014

Yes, his parent's are married. She is insulting her own family (her husband, son, daughter & all her in-laws) when she keeps saying 'my cousins are my only family.' I wish should would give in to inviting a small number of people from her family, but for her its all or nothing! ugh!

photokitty · January 2014

sdestefano12 said:

Yes, his parent's are married. She is insulting her own family (her husband, son, daughter & all her in-laws) when she keeps saying 'my cousins are my only family.' I wish should would give in to inviting a small number of people from her family, but for her its all or nothing! ugh!

Then it's nothing. Give her a number, tell her to pick. If she won't narrow it down to that number than she has chosen none. Don't tell her who she can or can't pick, just that she gets x number of people. Give her a deadline for the names, do not let her mail the invites herself.

phira · January 2014

photokitty said:

sdestefano12 said:

Yes, his parent's are married. She is insulting her own family (her husband, son, daughter & all her in-laws) when she keeps saying 'my cousins are my only family.' I wish should would give in to inviting a small number of people from her family, but for her its all or nothing! ugh!

Then it's nothing. Give her a number, tell her to pick. If she won't narrow it down to that number than she has chosen none. Don't tell her who she can or can't pick, just that she gets x number of people. Give her a deadline for the names, do not let her mail the invites herself.

That's what I'd recommend.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Ditto PPs. Give her a number, say she can invite X number of people, and that's it. If she says it's all or nothing, call her bluff. Say, 'Fine, then it's nothing, your choice.'

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

How many people are you talking about when you say cousins their kids, some friends, and an aunt. I would definitely say no to the cousins children. And how many people are you having total at your wedding?

My fiance's mother is also an only child, and we are inviting her cousins. We are also inviting his dad's cousins, and my mother's cousins. My dad has a huge family, and we are only inviting select people from his side, because we are not close -so none of his cousins; I'm not even inviting most of my 1st cousins from that side.

I think pp had good advice: tell her she gets x amount of invites. If she insists that she has to invite all of them or none, then tell her it's none. As long as you and your FI agree.

Jen4948 · January 2014

sdestefano12 said:

My parents will be paying for the majority. My fiance and I will be contributing some of our own money towards it as well. His parent's are not paying for any of it. I do feel bad she has no family left, and I would be more than willing to invite a few people if it weren't that they made my fiance and I so uncomfortable! They're mostly just not nice people. The very few that are nice, & my fiance offered to invite them, but his mom said "Ok, great.. invite them.. and the rest of my cousins." So frustrating! I almost feel like saying forget the wedding, I can't take the stress! We are both really shy as it is, I hate a lot of attention, so we really wanted to do something small. I'm trying to prepare myself for her confronting me.. its only a matter of time

To clarify, half (or more) of the wedding is his family. His father has 5 sibling and my fiance has 20+ first cousins we are inviting. He is very close with his father's side of the family & they will all be invited. His mother's family will always ignore both my fiance and I at the rare event that we do see them.. Or (even worse), they will come up to my fiance and hug/kiss him & just look at me (not say a word!) and walk away. And there was even one situation in which my fiance and his mother's friend (who she calls her sister & insists is at the wedding) got into a fight at a 50th birthday party.. drama!!

If your FFILs are not paying anything at all, then your FI should tell her that the guest list is closed, and that the subject is not to be brought up again-especially behind his back.

Inviting parent's cousins

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