Mothers

marib0727 · January 2014

So I am getting married in September and it is going to be a destination wedding. We are planning on renting a big house in the OBX North Carolina and then having the wedding party stay in the house. Meaning my bridesmaids and his groomsmen, with the exception of my parents who would only be staying there 2 or 3 nights. Tonight when I was telling my mom about it she kept getting that disapproving look on her face that all moms get. She said that I need to remember her family is coming too. Meaning her 2 sisters, ones husband and her brother and his girlfriend. Anyway, I told her that it was supposed to be only the Bridal Party staying in the house. She got all angry saying that if I am going to accommodate some I have to accommodate all. But that is not what I want. I feel like EVERY idea I have had she doesn't like. She doesn't think that I should get married here, in Maryland I suppose. But I feel like I should just give her everything and have her plan it because apparently it is going to be all about her not me! I need some feedback!!!!!

manateehugger · January 2014

Who is paying for the wedding and for the vacation house?

Also, make sure you are accommodating bridal party dates and significant others too.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Yeah, who is paying is very relevant here.

-- If your mom is helping pay, yes she gets a say in what happens. She's not totally out of line to ask that her family be accommodated, if she is paying.

-- If your mom is not helping pay, then you need to do your best to let her statements roll off, and plan the wedding you and Fi want. Stop talking wedding with your mom if you know you will just meet with disapproval.

kmmssg · January 2014

As a MOB myself, I do disagree with your mother here, but my first big question is where are the spouses/SO's/dates of your bridal party staying?

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Ditto PPs on whoever is paying gets a say, and also that all SOs must be accommodated in this beach house.

Also -- your post isn't clear, but you and your FI need to pay for this house entirely if you're expecting your WP to stay there. You can't pick this type of accommodation and then bill your friends for it. That won't fly.

marib0727 · January 2014

Sorry, significant others are staying. but what we are planning on doing is just turning our wedding into a vacation after. We did ask people to pay, but only if they are planning on staying the week. I never asked my parents for money for anything. They asked if I was expecting them to pay and I said no, for exactly the reason that my mom would want to be in full control of what is going on, She has been so moody about me not talking to her about anything, but e honestly haven't done anything yet. we are in the process now of just looking for a house. then we are going to start on everything else.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

marib0727 said:

Sorry, significant others are staying. but what we are planning on doing is just turning our wedding into a vacation after. We did ask people to pay, but only if they are planning on staying the week. I never asked my parents for money for anything. They asked if I was expecting them to pay and I said no, for exactly the reason that my mom would want to be in full control of what is going on, She has been so moody about me not talking to her about anything, but e honestly haven't done anything yet. we are in the process now of just looking for a house. then we are going to start on everything else.

First-- good, if your mom isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.

Bolded-- this is generally not a great idea. Do your friends/WP really want to make this into a whole vacation? Most people would prefer to use their vacation time at a destination of their choice, usually with just their SO. They might not say so to your face, for fear of hurting your feelings, but I can't really think of anyone in my life who I would want to take a whole week off for their wedding. Not even my own sister. FBIL and FSIL are doing a summer wedding at the shore and telling people we can make it a vacation-- NOPE, not where or when I would want to vacation. We're staying one night and heading right back home.

MobKaz · January 2014

JCBride2014 said: marib0727 said: Sorry, significant others are staying. but what we are planning on doing is just turning our wedding into a vacation after. We did ask people to pay, but only if they are planning on staying the week. I never asked my parents for money for anything. They asked if I was expecting them to pay and I said no, for exactly the reason that my mom would want to be in full control of what is going on, She has been so moody about me not talking to her about anything, but e honestly haven't done anything yet. we are in the process now of just looking for a house. then we are going to start on everything else.
First-- good, if your mom isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.Bolded-- this is generally not a great idea. Do your friends/WP really want to make this into a whole vacation? Most people would prefer to use their vacation time at a destination of their choice, usually with just their SO. They might not say so to your face, for fear of hurting your feelings, but I can't really think of anyone in my life who I would want to take a whole week off for their wedding. Not even my own sister. FBIL and FSIL are doing a summer wedding at the shore and telling people we can make it a vacation-- NOPE, not where or when I would want to vacation. We're staying one night and heading right back home.

I would not want to turn your wedding into my vacation. But am I missing something? OP, why would you want to turn your honeymoon into a friends and family vacation?

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

marib0727 said:

Sorry, significant others are staying. but what we are planning on doing is just turning our wedding into a vacation after. We did ask people to pay, but only if they are planning on staying the week. I never asked my parents for money for anything. They asked if I was expecting them to pay and I said no, for exactly the reason that my mom would want to be in full control of what is going on, She has been so moody about me not talking to her about anything, but e honestly haven't done anything yet. we are in the process now of just looking for a house. then we are going to start on everything else.

(1) Why would you want to turn your honeymoon into a vacation with your friends?

(2) Why would you assume your friends want to give up their vacation time to pay for your honeymoon?

(3) Who is paying for the time you are requiring your wedding party to stay in this house for your wedding? That was my initial question, and the answer to that STILL has to be "you and your FI."

marib0727 · January 2014

WE asked every one if they wanted to stay, and our friends wouldn't have said yes if they didn't want to. We don't ever get to do things with our friends which is why we picked this. It's their choice if they want to stay or not. Its not like we are going like 2 hours away, we live like 8 hours away which is why we are getting a house big enough for people to stay in. Before we completely decided what we were going to do we asked everyone if they would want to stay. they each knew that they could stay for the week if they wanted if not they didn't have to....it was just an option.

kmmssg · January 2014

Well, you have accommodated the partners of your BP and they don't pay for anything unless they stay for an extended time past the wedding. Sounds fair enough.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

marib0727 said:

WE asked every one if they wanted to stay, and our friends wouldn't have said yes if they didn't want to. We don't ever get to do things with our friends which is why we picked this. It's their choice if they want to stay or not. Its not like we are going like 2 hours away, we live like 8 hours away which is why we are getting a house big enough for people to stay in. Before we completely decided what we were going to do we asked everyone if they would want to stay. they each knew that they could stay for the week if they wanted if not they didn't have to....it was just an option.

Both of those statements are false. Your loved ones are highly unlikely to tell you "no" to something wedding-related, even if they think it's a horrible idea. Also, it's not really their choice -- they likely feel pressured into saying yes to make you happy.

xxrynnexx · January 2014

Okay in all seriousness, I was considering something similar and would like to know if it would be a faux pas.

We live 2 hours from the area of my ceremony/reception so most of our guests are local (and it's a tourist area). We are doing it at a cabin rental place that has a huge banquet area you can use if you rent cabins. All of my wedding party is young and excited for my wedding so they have volunteered to help with many different areas (some want to help decorate, some want to help me make crafts for my DIY parts, some offered their hands with set-up and take-down. Not everyone volunteered, but a lot did). I was planning on having a cabin the night of the wedding for my bridal party (Their S/O's are in the bridal party as well) just to relax, hang out, have fun. It is a 6 bedroom cabin with jacuuzi's, a game room downstairs with pool table and air hockey, a huge entertainment room with flat screen TV's, and outdoor fire pit for marshmallow's and campfire's. To be clear, I am paying for this NOT my guests. Plus we are located 15 mins to downtown, and we get a number of free attraction tickets to aquariums and other places. This is just part of the package for being with us on our special day, being so generous with their time and support, and a fun time for our loved ones who came from out of town. So far all the friends I asked have loved the idea and were really excited for it. All my friends who were planning on coming from out of town were staying for a while anyways in my hometown so a free night of lodging seemed acceptable and appreciated but now I am not so sure. Opinions? Advice? I mean I am paying, and they aren't required to stay there if they don't want to. It's not really a gift per-say, because we will still have some small personal gifts for each person. We aren't leaving for our honeymoon until the week after.

marib0727 · January 2014

Ok, so my fiancé and I are going to be paying for the house. we asked for a little bit of money. they are NOT paying for the whole thing. But as I said they were only paying for a little which would probably end up going for food for the week anyway. I have a 2 year old daughter and one family has 2 children so it is more a family/friend vacation anyway. If they are coming all this way why not get a vacation out of it IF THEY WANT TO.

Vivandiere8 · January 2014

Sounds to me like you are doing everything right maribo727. Sorry about your mother. hopefully it will pass

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