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Sucky situation with FI's friend. Vent.

climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
in Chit Chat
FI and I met back in 2008 through a guy I used to date - Jeff. Jeff and I were on and off for years. He strung me along for years. I'm sure you know the type - any time I was dating someone and happy, he'd contact me and beg me to get back together with him. Then a few months later, he'd break up with me, saying he didn't want to settle down. Similar to Carrie and Mr. Big. It was a mess. 

Anyway, Jeff and I were on in 2008. He was very good friends with FI. We all hung out a few times. Naturally, Jeff broke up with me not too long after. I then began dating Peter. I broke up with Peter in Jan 2013. Not too long after, Jeff invited me to a party. I ran into FI there and we hit it off. We hung out at the party all night. A week after, FI asked me out and the rest is history. 5 months later, he proposed. 

Now, after I had this first date with FI, I contacted Jeff. I didn't want there to be any bad feelings considering they were such good friends. Jeff also has been dating a girl for 3-4 years (I actually went to HS with her. Her and I get along very well). They have 2 kids together. But I felt that I should let him know that I really liked FI. Jeff seemed very cool with it. The first few months of FI and I dating, we actually hung out quite a few times together, both with Jeff and his girlfriend. Jeff and his girlfriend also took FI and I out for our birthdays a few months ago. 

But lately something seems to have changed. Jeff never invites my FI to do anything anymore. And worse, Jeff only seems to call my FI when he needs something. I talked with FI about it and he also says he's noticed it. He just kind of shrugged and said, "Well, what are you going to do?" I'd feel terrible if our relationship affected his friendship with Jeff. But, if that's the case, then Jeff is being a dick. Maybe he doesn't want to hang out with FI now that we're engage. Who knows. The situation just sucks and I feel bad for FI and I just need to vent about it. So thank you for listening/reading :-) 
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Re: Sucky situation with FI's friend. Vent.

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Since you and Jeff were always so off and on, I'm sure he always felt that at anytime you could be "on" again.  He is probably realising that you won't be available to him any more and is a bit jealous of FI. 

    Argh Stuck in the box: I agree with this ^. He was probably used to your on and off routine, and figured you would be "on" again at anytime. The realization probably finally hit him that you're getting married, and there will be no more "on". Well, his loss!
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    I agree. It's has probably occurred to him that you won't be 'on' again with him and he's lost his power over you and that posses him off. His loss. You're fabulous, and your FI is a lucky man. Jeff's loss.
    You know, I think you really may be on to something. That's a very good point. 

    Jeff once told someone in front of me that I was "the one that got away." And I laughed until I cried and said, "Jeff, I was the one you ran away from!" 
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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Wow that is sucky, but I love you for the sex and the city reference :)
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  • pumpkinsandturkeyspumpkinsandturkeys member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Guys get totally weird like that. I have a guy friend that I had a fling with a long time ago, but he wasn't the settling down type and I knew we were all wrong for each other. We were off and on for a long time, and it was usually him coming back to me. Once I met FI, he would still try to flirt here and there, but we remained friends.

    Once FI and I got engaged, though, things changed. The friend suddenly stopped talking to me, and didn't seem thrilled about the engagement. I think he liked that there was always the potential for me to be available again, and once a ring was on my finger, that potential went right out the window.

    We've patched things up since then, but we still aren't as close as we used to be. Sometimes, there are casualties in relationships that can't be avoided because other people force it to be that way. I'm sorry to hear that FI is losing a friend, but know that a true friend of his wouldn't let anything come between them. You may be better off without him.


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  • Fran1985 Fran1985 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Based on your description of the timing, this doesn't seem to have anything to do with your relationship. (Since he and his gf took you out a few months ago). It could be any number of things- he is busy, he is spending more time being dad, or he just kinda a shitty friend.

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  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear member
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    OliveOilsMom said:
    Since you and Jeff were always so off and on, I'm sure he always felt that at anytime you could be "on" again.  He is probably realising that you won't be available to him any more and is a bit jealous of FI. 
    This.  Some people need to feel wanted, even by people they don't want back.  Jeff probably enjoyed the thought that no matter what happened and who you were with, you'd always come back to him and you'd always want him- that is one hell of an ego boost to lose, so that's probably why he's acting like a little bitch.  (Sorry to be mean, I just think people like that are assholes.  It's not ok to toy with other people just to feel better about yourself.)

    So basically, even though you dated other people, Jeff got to imagine himself as being better than them because you'd eventually go back to him, but now that' you're committed to FI, you're telling him that FI is better than him.  And obviously that's not your intention, but that's just how people who are that far up their own asses think.  So he's being a big baby now because you being happy with someone else hurts his ego.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    HaileyDancingbear said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Since you and Jeff were always so off and on, I'm sure he always felt that at anytime you could be "on" again.  He is probably realising that you won't be available to him any more and is a bit jealous of FI. 
    This.  Some people need to feel wanted, even by people they don't want back.  Jeff probably enjoyed the thought that no matter what happened and who you were with, you'd always come back to him and you'd always want him- that is one hell of an ego boost to lose, so that's probably why he's acting like a little bitch.  (Sorry to be mean, I just think people like that are assholes.  It's not ok to toy with other people just to feel better about yourself.)

    So basically, even though you dated other people, Jeff got to imagine himself as being better than them because you'd eventually go back to him, but now that' you're committed to FI, you're telling him that FI is better than him.  And obviously that's not your intention, but that's just how people who are that far up their own asses think.  So he's being a big baby now because you being happy with someone else hurts his ego.  
    You are probably 100% right. He liked always having me on the back burner. And now that I'm marrying his friend, he can't string me along. Describing him as up his own ass is actually a pretty accurate description of him..lol. 
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  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    HaileyDancingbear said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Since you and Jeff were always so off and on, I'm sure he always felt that at anytime you could be "on" again.  He is probably realising that you won't be available to him any more and is a bit jealous of FI. 
    This.  Some people need to feel wanted, even by people they don't want back.  Jeff probably enjoyed the thought that no matter what happened and who you were with, you'd always come back to him and you'd always want him- that is one hell of an ego boost to lose, so that's probably why he's acting like a little bitch.  (Sorry to be mean, I just think people like that are assholes.  It's not ok to toy with other people just to feel better about yourself.)

    So basically, even though you dated other people, Jeff got to imagine himself as being better than them because you'd eventually go back to him, but now that' you're committed to FI, you're telling him that FI is better than him.  And obviously that's not your intention, but that's just how people who are that far up their own asses think.  So he's being a big baby now because you being happy with someone else hurts his ego.  
    You are probably 100% right. He liked always having me on the back burner. And now that I'm marrying his friend, he can't string me along. Describing him as up his own ass is actually a pretty accurate description of him..lol. 
    good, I was worried I was being too mean when I said that XD I just get really frustrated with people who act like that because I think it's extremely mean to string people along and toy with their emotions just for an ego boost.
    Fi has someone attempting to put him in the same situation and failing miserably, which is why she hates my guts and I think it's super funny.  Idk if you watch how I met your mother, but she  wants to be the Robin to his Ted and basically be the girl he always ends up coming back to, but that'll just never happen.  (And that was actually how FI described the situation)
    They basically dated for two months in high school and that never went anywhere, emotionally or physically, because he never really liked her much and she was really neurotic and attempted to be manipulating, but he kinda just didn't take her shit as far as that went.  When they broke up (She dumped him because he wouldn't let himself be manipulated- she wanted to control who he hung out with and where he went and he was kinda like lol no I do what I want) he was over it pretty much immediately, but soon after she asked him to date her again because she noticed him taking an interest in me, and he was just kinda like "Hell no."  
    She still insists he was the one that got away (Seriously, that was high school, get over it crazy pants.)  She was pissed when Fi and I got together, pissed when she found out we are engaged, and for years has been trashing me behind my back (Which she really should have grown out of that a while ago but apparently she'll never be out of high school) because apparently he should just stay single forever so she can feel super special about being the one he crawls back to.  
    Needless to say, it's super annoying- not because she'll ever even resemble a threat to our relationship, just because it's annoying to have someone hate you for such a juvenile reason, and I hate the mentality behind her attitude.  
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    On a side note, I truly hate people that only call you when they need something.  We're no longer friends with a couple that used to do that to my husband (he's pretty handy with tools and such).  We just got tired of their nonsense.
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