Just Engaged and Proposals

Sadness in a happy time..

My fiancee and I just recently finalized our engagement (it was an open idea for awhile, very nontraditional) and set a date of 12.13.14. My dreams are finally coming true, I'm marrying the man of my dreams and I want to have the most perfect wedding possible. However, now that we've delved into the land of wedding planning, anytime I say anything about the guest list (he only has his mom and dad left while I have 35 people in my close family circle) or any other facet of weddingland, he totally flips and turns into this monster that I've never seen, complete with rude remarks and it usually ends with me in tears and him ignoring me for a time. I really want him to be happy and to be apart of the wedding planning, and up until this point, he's never ever been this way with me...I'm just so confused, after finally settling on a date, he suddenly seems like he doesn't want to do it...I just need to know how to get through to him that I understand his concerns, and I want to make this as easy as possible for both of us so we can enjoy the wedding and have an even more beautiful marriage.

Re: Sadness in a happy time..

  • You have a FI problem. You and he need to have a sit-down conversation about expectations and wants and needs.

    The fact that you called him a monster is a huge concern.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
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    edited January 2014
    This is very concerning. Especially with you saying that he makes rude remarks and you end up in tears. As PP mentioned you both need to have a heart to heart, and make sure you are on the same page. If he has not been this way before, clearly there is something bothering him and you both need to talk about this and come to a resolution. This should be a happy time for you both, not a time of misery.

    Edit: sentence
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  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Does he want to elope or go to the JOP, and, if so are you open to the idea? Is it possible you both have very different ideas about how you want to get married?
  • Blergbot hit it on the nose, apparently, the size of my family intimidates him (or something) and I'm thinking he doesn't really know how to communicate well..It doesn't help when we do, I tend to get overly emotional and let that cloud everything. Maybe monster was a bit harsh, but we had just come out of a little spat and I was feeling a little spiteful...I really love my Jason, but I really don't love the side of him I'm seeing..I wish I was more open to JOP, but I'm only getting married once, and I want it to be a memorable time that we can look back on with smiles, not grimaces..
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Well then, that changes things. Maybe he feels that you are pressuring him into something he is not comfortable with. I mean, he might feel bad that he only has 2 people in his family, while all your family will be there. That can be intimidating to some people. Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes we have to learn to find a middle ground. Have you considered getting married at a JOP and then having a very small reception after, maybe with only your parents, and maybe closest relatives?
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  • skitznbug said:
    he totally flips and turns into this monster that I've never seen, complete with rude remarks and it usually ends with me in tears and him ignoring me for a time

    I'm thinking he doesn't really know how to communicate well..It doesn't help when we do, I tend to get overly emotional and let that cloud everything.
    It sounds like it would be helpful for the two of you to learn to communicate better. And to learn how to fight effectively. Have you tried seeing a counselor yet? Once you to learn to communicate better, you should be able to figure out what the problem really is ("the size of my family intimidates him (or something)" and that he gets upset about any facet of wedding planning, not just the guest list, makes it sound like you're not completely sure what's bothering him) and solve it together
    doeydoSTARMOON44
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    I would sit down with him and have a serious talk about why you want the big wedding you want, and why he doesn't. Make a list together and try to keep it a not so highly charged endeavor. If FI is resistant to any sort of list making, then just listen a hear eachother out without thinking about your vision of a perfect wedding. In the end, though, if number one on your list is that you want all your friends and family there to celebrate with you, and his number one is that he just wants it to be the two of you. Then you've got a problem on your hands. I would also recommend couseling at that point, just to make sure that's not the only area where you're going to be at odds and how to work through that.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Sit down with him so you can both communicate how you feel and reach a compromise. Wedding planning is often the first test of compromise.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    skitznbug said:

    but I'm only getting married once,

    So is he.
    emmyg65AddieCakeKeptInStitches
  • Therapy can be very useful for learning how to communicate effectively and fight fairly. Good communication is at the heart of every strong marriage. But it can be a hard thing to learn and there's no shame is asking for a little help.
    doeydoSTARMOON44
  • The planning is supposed to be memorable and very fun for both of you. Is it financial concerns on his part? I know when I first got engaged I got very excited to start the planning and I think I overwhelmed my fiance as he did not expect me to try to plan so many things so early. He saw everything from a fiscal view. When I talked about anything, he saw $$ signs. We communicate through everything though and I learned that I could talk to my girlfriends more about planning and then when the time is right and we had the money, I would discuss planning with my fiance. I think men are very much in the moment where women like to talk about it even though we may not actually be ready finalize for some time. Whatever the case is, there is a MAJOR underlying issue with your fiance and you need a heart to heart.
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I highly recommend that you go to counseling together because it sounds like you two can`t communicate or go through a disagreement/argument effectively.  
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  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    A marriage should be give and take.  I know I've had a few 'bridal meltdowns' but my FI was there to help pick me up.  I agree with the others and getting couples counseling.

    FI and I went through a similar planning thing that I didn't want a huge wedding but he at first wanted 'immediate family and aunts/uncles/first cousins' because that's what his mom was going to insist on.  We ended up compromising and are now planning for an immediate family only destination wedding.  I actually love this decision and I'm hoping our families are able to relax and have some fun!!


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  • I'm happy to say, we finally sorted out our differences and have compromised well. I appreciate all of your input and I will use it throughout this process :) 
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