Close Friend Wants Nothing To Do With Wedding

Re: Close Friend Wants Nothing To Do With Wedding

• Wzz member

  

  January 2014

  so you would not invite her to your shower out of spite? i would suggest not inviting her, then. end the friendship once and for all.

   

  she was honest with you and told you that being a part of your bridal party was not convenient for her. who knows the reasons - maybe she has money trouble, maybe her work situation or family situation, or her health for that matter, won't allow her the time or energy to focus on what you're expecting.

   

  you're hurt and angry - why? you said you didn't expect her to throw you a shower, and even though you said she is happy for you, what more do you expect from her?

   

  so yes, i say do not invite her. you don't need mature, responsible friends in your life. you need more people who keep track of who does what for whom so you know who to spite at a later date.

   

  hth

  Report1 Reply
• Wzz member

  

  January 2014

  happymellow said:

  When I first got engaged, I called her 3x to ask if she'd be in my wedding.  No return call (I didn't say what I wanted in my message because I didn't want to ask via voicemail).  She finally texted 3 months later.  By this point, I'd moved on and decided to go with a smaller bridal party.  After she sent me a text, I called her.  I told her I'd called several months ago to ask her to be in it and hoped she didn't take it personally that she isn't.  She's excited and happy for me, but can't be bothered to help at all because she "lives so far away."  I threw her baby shower from "far away."  I helped paint her baby's bedroom from "far away."  I threw her bridal shower and bachelorette party (at the time I didn't live far away).  I've been to big family events for her from "far away."  I don't need her to throw me a shower (someone else is doing that), but I was expecting more.  I'm hurt and angry.  "Far away" is relative.  And I actually live 30 minutes closer now than when I did those things for her.  We've been friends for many years, but I've been a fairly low-maintenance friend for that time.  I haven't asked for much.  Is it wrong of me to be hurt and angry?  Is it wrong of me not to invite her to my shower?  It sounds like she just doesn't want to be bothered.
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• thejucheidea member

  

  January 2014

  Things aren't tit for tat. Great for you that you planned all of those things -- she's not required to do the same in return.

  Also, no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. Accepting that now will help you immensely in the future.

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• Wzz member

  

  January 2014

  sorry to PW on this thread, but maybe the friendship has faded on her end, and i suppose that would be enough reason to feel hurt. but i would suggest putting this into perspective and understand that everyone will feel differently about your wedding and you can't expect everyone to be as excited as you are about it.

   

  i mean, you went 3 months without speaking with her. i can't imagine she feels as close to you as you may feel to her.

  Report1 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014

  You're right.  It isn't out of spite.  I'd love to have her there...but the shower will be expensive and I was trying to cut down on costs for the thrower and only have people there that have shown an interest in participating and sharing in the joy.  I am hurt and angry, but that isn't a deal breaker for me.  The deal breaker is that I'm not putting my hard earned money into the shower and don't think it's fair to ask someone else to pay money to have someone attend that has shown no interest in celebrating with me.
  

  Report0 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• thejucheidea member

  

  January 2014

  Are you throwing your own bridal shower?

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  @Wzz.  Thank you for your last comment.  That was more what I was hoping for.
  

  Report0 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014

  No, but I am in charge of the guest list.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Ven&Radio member

  

  January 2014

  How close can you possibly be with this person if it took her 3 months to return your calls?

  Report2 Reply
• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  I would be hurt that our friendship seems to be drifting away, not so much about the wedding itself.

  
  

  I had a friend ghost on me in a similar manner earlier this year.  It hurts, but in the end I'm glad I waited before asking her to be a BM.

  
  

  However, you shouldn't have told her you called her to be a BM and now you've decided not to.  That's just mean IMO and probably didn't help things at all.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  @JCBride2014, You're exactly right that it's more our friendship possibly ending that bothers me but I was trying to keep it wedding relevant.  I don't know how to handle it with the wedding related activities.  You may be right about her feeling hurt that I told her that, too.  I told her that so she WOULDN'T be hurt.  I didn't consider the other option.  I figured she would be wondering why she wasn't in it.  It wasn't my intent to hurt her feelings.
  

  Report0 Reply
• AddieCake member

  

  January 2014

  I don't understand not wanting to invite someone just b/c they haven't helped. She isn't required to help you with anything. Are all of the OTHER guests you're inviting to the shower helping you with your wedding in some way? 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report2 Reply
• cookie0803 member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  First, I just want to say I'm sorry your friendship is hurting. That can be tough to go through, but I think you need to lower your expectations a bit here.
  
  
  Parties are not tit for tat, and not everyone is a planner. Some people just do not know how to plan a party, and some flat out don't enjoy it at all. That's awesome that you planned showers for her and helped with her baby's room, but she may not be in a position to help right now (babies can be pretty expensive and time consuming).
  
  
  I also want to point out that no bride NEEDS or is entitled to a shower. In fact, many brides choose to turn down requests to have showers thrown for them. It's great that someone is throwing one for you, but no one is obligated to help, whether they're in the bridal party or not (and from your post I'm gathering she is not in the BP). If you expected more and are angry that you aren't getting what you want, that's on you. I think if you change your expectations, you'll feel a lot better.

  Report1 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014

  Thank you for your input, and you both make excellent points. To clarify, someone else is throwing my shower.  I don't expect her to throw me one just because I threw hers.  I wouldn't expect that of anyone.  All I was hoping for was a quick email or a returned phone call or even a quick text just to say "hi." and she was thinking of me.  I could be over-reacting (which is why I posted).  I'm not usually an overly emotional person, but I have noticed wedding planning tends to stress me out some.
  

  Report0 Reply
• cookie0803 member

  

  January 2014

  happymellow said:

  Thank you for your input, and you both make excellent points. To clarify, someone else is throwing my shower.  I don't expect her to throw me one just because I threw hers.  I wouldn't expect that of anyone.  All I was hoping for was a quick email or a returned phone call or even a quick text just to say "hi." and she was thinking of me.  I could be over-reacting (which is why I posted).  I'm not usually an overly emotional person, but I have noticed wedding planning tends to stress me out some.
  

  I should have said, you are well within your rights to be hurt by her ignoring you for 3 months. I would be so bummed about that, too.
  

  Report0 Reply
• SJohnson82 member

  

  January 2014

  I understand feeling hurt because of a "3 month late" response from her. Actually, I have a really good friend of 12 years that has started to drift away, so to speak, and it's only inevitable that feelings will be hurt when you care for someone. However, I've had to keep in consideration that she's a newlywed and new mom and life has a way of changing your availability -- consider these things for your friend, too. 

  
  

  If you feel like you need to have a conversation with her, do that, have a heart to heart if the real core of the issue is fear that the friendship is ending. But do this solely for the focus of the friendship, not your shower/wedding etc. 

  
  

  And yes, invite her to your festivities -- it's the right thing to do in this case.

  Report0 Reply
• JSTexas22 member

  

  January 2014

  
  

  SJohnson82 said:

  I understand feeling hurt because of a "3 month late" response from her. Actually, I have a really good friend of 12 years that has started to drift away, so to speak, and it's only inevitable that feelings will be hurt when you care for someone. However, I've had to keep in consideration that she's a newlywed and new mom and life has a way of changing your availability -- consider these things for your friend, too. 

  
  

  If you feel like you need to have a conversation with her, do that, have a heart to heart if the real core of the issue is fear that the friendship is ending. But do this solely for the focus of the friendship, not your shower/wedding etc. 

  
  

  And yes, invite her to your festivities -- it's the right thing to do in this case.

  I agree. I experienced the same thing with one of my close friends of 10 years who went MIA and received some great advice about it. 

  
  

  Every friendship has it's ebbs and flows. You can not expect to have the same friendship you had even a year ago, because you both are different people. You may be holding on to something that she sees only as a casual friendship at this point. It sucks, a lot. But it's a fact of growing older that everyone has to come to terms with. Or maybe she is just super stressed and has a lot going on. Everyone approaches friendship from a different standpoint.
  

  
  

  As for inviting her to your festivities, I would invite her to your shower and all of your events. Show her you still think of her as a good friend (everyone you are inviting is not your bestie, after all). If she chooses not to come, that's her loss. But not inviting her to save a few dollars will just push you both further away, and I doubt that's what anyone wants.

  Report0 Reply
• happymellow member

  

  January 2014

  Thank you cookie, SJohnson, and jordanshea for helping me keep things in perspective.  I will probably talk to her about it.  It sounds like I should invite her to the shower anyway.  Thanks again for the help.
  

  Report0 Reply