Guest List Question

Re: Guest List Question

• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  aggieteacher2012 said:

  Hi! This is my first time to ever post on a community board so here we go! 

  
  

  First and foremost, my parents are paying for my wedding. We are inviting 250 people with the hope that maybe 225 people will come. My parents and I have cut our list down to 160 people and we have decided to give my fiancé and his family 90 people to invite which splits it 60/40. Here is the issue, my fiancé has his mom's side, dad's side (dad passed away), and step dad's family to invite. The total of these 3 families comes to 92 people which is over the allotted 90 people. We really don't want to invite anymore than 250 people because if we go over 225 people in the venue they will have to open up more rooms which will cost my parents more money. My parents and I have cut our original list down from 250 to 160 which was very difficult. My future MIL has asked that we have a meeting tomorrow night to discuss "wedding plans" and what not, but I think she just wants to discuss the guest list. 

  
  

  What do I do? Is 90 unfair? Should we really have to cut our list of 160 down even more even though we are paying? 

  
  

  Thanks in advance!

  Is 90 people unfair? No, not really. Is a 60/40 split unfair? That's something only you and your fiance can decide. 

  
  

  You have a couple of options here:

  
  

  1. Let your FILs invite the extra two people. You're unlikely to have 100 percent attendance, and although I always counsel to expect it, I think two extra people is fine.

  
  

  2. Tell your FILs that you can't go over 250 people because it will cost $X per person. She may then say, "Well, that's fine, we'll pay for the extra people. IF she does that -- and only IF -- you may (or may not) graciously accept (or reject) her offer. If you accept it, make sure she pays you upfront for those people -- there are horror stories on the boards of brides being promised money for extra guests and then the money didn't come through and the bride is left holding the bag.

  
  

  I'm curious -- where is your FI in all of this? What does he think? And if 92 people is *just* his family, what about his friends? Whose list are they on?

  
  

  The bottom line, though, is that he who pays gets a say, so if your FMIL isn't paying, she can complain all she wants, but she can't demand that you invite these 92 people. Has your FI seen her list? What does he think of it?

  
  

  DH's grandmother had the idea that we were going to invite her SIL, the SIL's parents, the SIL's special gentleman friend, gma's six nieces and their husbands, their 27 kids, gma's other SIL and HER parents and siblings, and her Sunday School class. That was the list she gave me. 

  
  

  DH took one look at that list and said, "Oh hell no." He then sat gma down and told her only people who were (a) actually related to him were going to be invited (not a SIL by marriage's parents), and that we were only inviting one generation removed -- so her nieces, who are his first cousins once removed -- but not their kids -- his second cousins. 

  
  

  That worked for us, but it annoyed her. Oh, well. But that was what HE wanted, and it was his and my wedding. And FWIW, my parents paid for the entire reception.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Wzz member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  i think MIL should have her meeting to discuss the guest list. sure, whoever pays has the final say, but i think it would be just plain considerate to have the parents' all get together and come to an agreement on the guest list. 92 is a lot of people to have to cut down, especially if your FI comes from a large family.

   

  is there any talk of you and your FI coming up with any money to accomodate any extras?

   

  ETA - your FMIL should also understand that the space just cannot hold so many people, and your FI has to explain this to her. it's simple logistics.

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• rikysegal member

  

  January 2014

  if you "allowed" him 90 and his family went 2 over, I'm sure you can find someone to either cut (to make it more fair) or I'm sure there will be an additional 2 that won't show. People usually get maybe 70% confirmed...

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• Wzz member

  

  January 2014

  omg. i read this as they went over by 92 people.

   

  2 people. really. go ahead; die on that hill.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2014

  They went over by two people.  Is that really something to get up in arms about?

  
  

  And I think it was only right for you and your family to cut your list down because it would have been really shitty to invite only your family and none of his.  I mean it is his wedding two and he should have family there as well.

  
  

  I understand the whole "he who pays gets the say" but this wedding is about two families coming together not just about you and your family.  It is only fair to split the guest list as equally as possible when it comes to weddings, IMO.

  
  

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• CrystaH11 member

  

  January 2014

  aggieteacher2012 said:

  Hi! This is my first time to ever post on a community board so here we go! 

  
  

  First and foremost, my parents are paying for my wedding. We are inviting 250 people with the hope that maybe 225 people will come. My parents and I have cut our list down to 160 people and we have decided to give my fiancé and his family 90 people to invite which splits it 60/40. Here is the issue, my fiancé has his mom's side, dad's side (dad passed away), and step dad's family to invite. The total of these 3 families comes to 92 people which is over the allotted 90 people. We really don't want to invite anymore than 250 people because if we go over 225 people in the venue they will have to open up more rooms which will cost my parents more money. My parents and I have cut our original list down from 250 to 160 which was very difficult. My future MIL has asked that we have a meeting tomorrow night to discuss "wedding plans" and what not, but I think she just wants to discuss the guest list. 

  
  

  What do I do? Is 90 unfair? Should we really have to cut our list of 160 down even more even though we are paying? 

  
  

  Thanks in advance!

  
  So say you invited 250 people because you are *hoping* 25 people decide they don't want to come. Then all 250 RSVP yes....then you have to open up more rooms anyway. You REALLY shouldn't invite more people than the space you are paying for allows. And is 2 additional people really worth an argument with FILs?? I'm sure if you've made room for all 160 of your guests you can make room for 2 more of his...

  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  January 2014

  I still want to know about the groom's friends in all of this.  This doesn't seem very fair to me....said the MOB who hosts her DDs weddings and make sure the groom gets his fair share of the guest list.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  kmmssg said:

  I still want to know about the groom's friends in all of this.  This doesn't seem very fair to me....said the MOB who hosts her DDs weddings and make sure the groom gets his fair share of the guest list.

  A.men! DH and I split the guest list (basically) evenly. I had more people than he did (92 to 60), but that's because I have a large Irish-Greek family -- and since my parents hosted, they wanted to invite their friends, which was fine.

  
  

  DH invited his 15-ish family members and then 45 friends.

  
  

  I invited my 82 family members/like family members/parents' friends, and then 10 friends -- because that seemed fair to me, that my family was so large, that I not then invite more friends on top of that, since we wanted a small wedding (ideally 130, but we invited 152, and had 100 attend).

  
  

  The bottom line, though, is that DH thought it was more than fair. 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• aggieteacher2012 member

  

  July 2014

  This problem was solved. My fiancé's step cousin is getting married the day before us so most of his step-dad's family is choosing to go to that wedding. 

  
  

  Also, just to clarify we weren't "up in arms" about 2 extra people on his list. We were just concerned that his list that only included his family was at 92 without any of his friends on the list. 

  
  

  Thanks for all your help! 

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