XP: Need advice or something

2ndChanceBridetobe · January 2014

I posted this on the Second Marriage board but am posting here too as there seem to be more people on this board. I need perspective, something, my heart is breaking. This is like my second post ever, so please be nice.

I need advice. I've been reading the boards on the Knot for a while and overall it seems like a great community, I hope that it's okay that I post this here.

I've been with my FI for 2.5 years. I'm still just as much in love with him as I ever was, I'm not sure if he feels the same anymore. We are supposed to get married on 2/14 and he told me last week "I wake up every day trying to think of a reason to not marry you". I chalked it up to him being nervous, this being his second marriage and all. Things have just been "off" since then. We use to say I love you all the time. The last time he said it to me was Monday morning in a text message. I keep saying I love you and all he says in response is "thank you". We use to cuddle to sleep, now I can barely get him to touch me. Last night he "let" me cuddle up to him from behind, he wouldn't even face me. He's been turning me down for sex, even though he has told me before that he's worried that the sex will stop after we get married. He won't talk to me. He told me last week that we need to talk, but every time I ask him to, he says that it isn't a good time, that we'll talk later.

I'm trying to not get upset, but I'm freaking out over here. This morning he was asking me about what has been paid for and if any deposits are refundable. I'm pretty sure he's going to end things, or if nothing else, call off the wedding. Don't sugar coat this. I need to pack my bags don't I? Obviously you don't know him or I, but does anyone think that he's just getting cold feet or is my reality now that this wedding is never going to happen?

pinkcow13 · January 2014

Honestly, these are glaring red flags. It sounds to me that he does not want to get married, but has not found the guts to tell you. If I were in your place, I would confront him about it once and for all. If he wants to call off the wedding, it will be devastating and not easy, but it is better to do it now than to go through with a wedding that may end in divorce. I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

climbingsingle · January 2014

First off, I'm really, really sorry. I can't imagine how upsetting and hurtful his behavior must be.

All of those things are huge red flags. This seems more like just cold feet. I don't know. It's hard to be sure without knowing more.

I hate to ask this, but do you think he's cheating?

I think you need to sit him down and have a come to Jesus talk. Your wedding is supposed to be happening in two weeks. He shouldn't be jerking you around like that and it makes me so angry for you. Tell him that a decision needs to be made now - is the wedding happening or not.

AddieCake · January 2014

Yep. These are huge red flags. You need to insist on a conversation with him about it. My husband and I went through this as well. It turned out for him, it was indeed just cold feet. He was in an awful marriage before ours, and the closer it got to our wedding, the more nervous he became. I sensed distance, felt like we were not as lovey dovey, etc, and I finally came right out and asked him about it so we could get to the bottom of it and talk it out.

Cokezerofreak · January 2014

You need to force the talk. He's giving "hints" with his questioning which is totally unfair to you since he doesn't have the cojones to just say it. I'd sit down and tell him he has to have the talk now before you have a room full of guests and presents to return. He's being selfish and unfair. But, prepare yourself for the worst as much as you can. See if a close friend/family member can help you through cancelling everything if that's the final decision.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Lots of hugs and support.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

PPs have covered the same advice I would have given, but I wanted to give you some hugs. I've been there (I backed out of the first wedding I was supposed to have), and it's not easy being on either side of the situation. Please be kind to yourself - no matter the outcome of your conversation, this is a situation that you'll need a little time to process so you can fully move forward.

emmyg65 · January 2014

Ugh, I'm sorry you're in this situation. As others said, you two need to sit down and talk. If he gets evasive, don't be afraid to ask, point blank, "Do you still want to marry me?" If he says yes, you still need to figure out why he's being so weird. You should think seriously about postponing the wedding, even if you don't cancel it, because it sounds like you guys have some communication issues that need work.

And always remember: As hard as it is to cancel a wedding, it's still easier than getting a divorce.

KatWAG · January 2014

Sit down and have a serious talk with him. get his full attention and dont let him avoid the hard questions.

It is helpful for me to write down things I want to say when I am upset. It helps me be clear and get my point across without being overly emotional.

Would he be open to therapy?

vt&dt · January 2014

OP, I was previously engaged and had to call the wedding off less than three weeks out. I completely understand how stressful and awful having to think about those decisions can be.

It sounds like he's hinting that he wants to end it. I can't guess why... but I echo PPs that you must sit down and talk it through with him.

It probably will suck. He may say some hurtful things - you need to give him permission to be completely open and honest with you. If he doesn't want to be married to you, that's reason enough. All of this needs to be sorted through before you take vows - things don't get easier after the wedding.

And - if he doesn't want to be married to you, and is having doubts bigger than nervousness/cold feet - YOU don't want to be married to someone that doesn't want to be married. Weddings are difficult to cancel, divorce is much worse.

Let us know how this goes, please. We're here to back you up through this - have the tough conversation and then let things fall where they may. I believe that most things happen for a reason - and whatever happens with you and FI, it will work out and you will be okay.

KatWAG · January 2014

emmyg65 said:

Ugh, I'm sorry you're in this situation. As others said, you two need to sit down and talk. If he gets evasive, don't be afraid to ask, point blank, "Do you still want to marry me?" If he says yes, you still need to figure out why he's being so weird. You should think seriously about postponing the wedding, even if you don't cancel it, because it sounds like you guys have some communication issues that need work.

And always remember: As hard as it is to cancel a wedding, it's still easier than getting a divorce.

No truer words have ever been said.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I am so sorry. This must be so hurtful. I ditto PPs that you really need to sit him down and force the conversation with him. It will be scary and awful and hurtful and terrible, but it's better to know before the wedding day that he wants out.

Best of luck, and I'm praying for you. Come back and vent if you need us, we're more than happy to listen.

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I 100% agree with PPs. At the very least, a frank and honest conversation needs to be had. If he's looking for reasons not to get married, that's reason enough.

He may just have cold feet -- we all have baggage (myself included), and sometimes, that messes with your head. It could be something that can be addressed and remedied in one conversation, a series of conversations, or through therapy. In any case, this wedding should be postponed indefinitely.

From the tone of your post, you already know what you need to do. You're not getting what you want and need from him, and he's clearly missing something key, too. The stress of a wedding and new marriage is not going to fix that or bring you closer together -- it will only result in pain and resentment.

Please talk to him and go see someone together, if necessary. What he says may hurt to hear, but it's the only chance you have to fix things.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

First off, don't worry about us not being nice. We're only meanies to the special snowflakes who think they need emotional support because grandma might wear an ugly dress to their special day. You however are going through an actual tough time, and if you ever need a virtual shoulder to cry on or an anonymous place to vent, come here.

This situation is horrible, I'm sorry it's happening to you.

My MOH was in a similar situation to you a few months back. Started off super sweet, she thought he was the one, then before she knew it she was made to feel like an asshole every time she wanted to even see him. She tried over and over again to have a serious talk about her feelings, but as much as he would nod and say he'd do better, he didn't. When it ended, she was heartbroken, and she felt sad for a while. But the relationship had been a huge source of sorrow/insecurity for her that was now completely removed from her life, so while she went through a lot of pain, she is a happier, more confident girl now than she ever was with him. She is so much better off right now.

So I'm gonna tell you what I told her- you are absolutely worth the time and effort. You are worth the I love you's, you are worth the cuddles, the affection, you are entirely worth the effort required to make you feel loved/wanted. So if he can't do that for you, he is not worth your time, and you deserve better. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved- some people are louder with their emotions than others, but everyone has their own ways of showing they love you- and they should show you in their own way. You deserve someone who you can be yourself with, who you can speak to honestly about your thoughts and feelings, someone who will be there for you when things are great, but also a shoulder to cry on when you are hurt. Nobody is perfect, but a man can have a billion flaws if he makes you feel safe and secure in your own skin and shows you that you are worthwhile and loved.

It may hurt to break things off, it may be scary to feel alone, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life being treated the way you've described to us? Do you want to wake up in 10 years with this man, this attitude, feeling put down and snubbed? It's important for you to talk to your FI and be honest about your feelings before you do anything else. Try to work things out, but keep in mind that sometimes, it just doesn't work, and you need to be prepared to make the hard decision to feel a whole lotta pain now, to prevent a whole lotta misery down the line.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

You need to force this talk. I'm so sorry this happening to you. *hugs*

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

Agreed, you need to force the talk. You have the right to know what's going on, if you need to be making calls, if you need to find a place to live, etc. It's down to the wire now. He may be stalling because he doesn't want to be the bad guy and dump you (my ex did that, he didn't have the stones to be honest with me, he took the cowards way out). And he became similarly distant before the breakup. My heart goes out to you and I hate it for you. But I do think you should be steeling yourself for something. I'm so sorry.

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

PP's have given you some great advice. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If you need to vent, feel free to come to the boards.

Here are some puppies and kittens, hopefully it will bring a little sunshine to a hard time.

cruffino · January 2014

i'm so sorry you're in this situation. like others, i was previously engaged and called it off. i am the type of person who would approach this situation by saying: "i can't marry you with things as they are. we need to talk, now."

he may not want to marry you, or he may be afraid of getting married, period. either way. you need to know. again, i'm so sorry that you're hurting. this is a very difficult situation.

XP: Need advice or something

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