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Need help! Soon to be sister in law trying to ruin the wedding!!!

Well maybe not intentionally. But I believe she just doesn't care about the fact that her big brother is getting married to me in August! I asked her last August to go get measured for her bridesmaid dress (I asked because she is his sister) and it turns out she never went! She just went with a size she wore 2 years ago before she had a kid! She actually popped the stitches holding the dress closed in front! My dad paid for the dress and she couldn't even say thank you. But as of right now I don't know if I should just kick her out of the wedding since we can't order the dress again since it is discontinued. Her Mom and Dad see where me and my fiance are coming from! Please help! Her brother and I don;t know what to do!

Re: Need help! Soon to be sister in law trying to ruin the wedding!!!

  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    If she doesn't have the right dress then she has taken herself out of the wedding party.

    Be courteous and civil towards her. If she really doesn't like you/want you marrying her brother, don't give her any ammo. Kill her with kindness
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    PrettyGirlLostei34MadHops21
  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    Kicking someone out of your wedding party is a serious and often friendship ending move.  Since this is your FSIL, I think it would be worth a little time and effort to try to fix her dress.  Since the dress is discontinued, you have a couple of options:
    • Look for the dress in the correct size on a site like eBay, preownedweddingdresses.com, or another similar site. 
    • Take the original dress to both a reputable seamstress and a fabric store.  Fabric match for alterations and work with what you can from the original dress. 
    • Work FSIL find a (similar) dress in the same length, color and fabric as the original dress but the correct size.

    IMO, it would be fair and appropriate for FSIL to cover the costs of the replacement dress, fabric, alterations, etc. And because it's not quite February, you have enough time to work through a few options and decide what is best.  I'd give her a reasonable deadline (maybe the end of July?) to get an appropriately-fit dress in place.  At that point, if she has not found the appropriate bridal party wear, then she has taken herself out of the wedding party.  ETA: I agree with MyNameIsNot - she's only out if the dress is absolutely unworkable in an inappropriate way.  If she's okay being uncomfortably stuffed into chiffon, that's all on her.

    I would not kick her out and I would not do anything now except work with her to replace the dress.  There's plenty of time to work through this.

    (As an aside, this is a good warning for other brides not to order your bridal party wear too early; people have great intentions about losing weight, firming up, etc. that frequently don't work out.  My sister is a July 2014 bride and I'm getting my measurements taken on Thursday for my dress.  Bridesmaids dresses rarely need more than a few months to come in.) 

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    PrettyGirlLostchibiyui
  • I don't want to have to kick her out. And actual it was her brother her brought up taking her out of the wedding in the first place since they have an iffy relationship. She actually said that it wasn't her responsibility to pay at all and that she might not even feel like being in the wedding since I wont let her friend do the make up. (We would have to pay for her friend's gas to drive 300 miles and the hotel room for the night before). She started making noise about not wanting to be in the wedding when I told her that its just not an option for us to have to pay $400+++ for one person and have to leave someone off our guest list so that her friend can be there. We looked at dresses early since it looks like I am going in for shoulder surgery next month to repair some nerve damage and a possible tear in one of my muscles. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to shop early. :) I had to plan this wedding early because it looks like we have my surgery, his college graduation (second degree) moving and more! Seems like there isn't enough time for anything! :) 

    Just looking for the easiest way to resolve this. His sister is mad that she has an almost 2 yr old with a guy who swore 5 years ago he was never getting married again and they are on rocky terms and she takes it out on me and her brother. She is also using her son as a pawn  because if anyone in her family says anything negative (like how we need to fix the dress) she won't speak to anyone for 2 months. I have tried going the route of well we need to do this but if I discuss it with her mom (My mom is out of the country so my FMIL is awesome! and is taking over my mom's role) she gets mad and says we are plotting against her when we are trying to come up with a way to fix it.

  • How do I fix the dress if everytime either her mom or I try to mention the alterations she starts yelling at us over the phone saying we are plotting against her and that no one loves her or values her opinion and then hangs up and doesn't communicate for 2 months ? I tried talking to her about the alterations but her mom is helping with the wedding since mine is in another country and they have an iffy relationship since FSIL seems to take every suggestion (about anything) as an insult. Trying to remain positive but I have surgery soon and its hard to move to another city (last minute) and have shoulder surgery and then deal with someone who is taking it personally that we aren't paying for her friend to travel 300 miles and stay the night in a hotel to do the make up for the wedding. 
  • @Aug814njd ; I don't think you fix the dress.  You, FMIL, FI - whoever has the best relationship with FSIL and the easiest time talking with her gives her the opinions, perhaps by email - replace the dress, get the alterations, make the current dress work, etc. - and the deadline to get it done.  If it's not done by the deadline and the dress is unwearable as is, she's made the decision to remove herself from the wedding party. 

    She's an adult and gets to be responsible for the consequences of her actions - she chose to order a size not knowing if it would work, she gets to fix the resulting mess.  Give this time to play itself out.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't put any pressure on your FSIL, because no matter what you say she is going to take offense.

    Stop trying to "make nice" with her and just go with the flow.  Based on what you've posted, if she doesn't show up or doesn't have the dress, you can consider her not a bridesmaid, and I think you'll have dodged a bullet. 
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @Aug814njd it sounds like she's being extremely difficult, to say the least.  If she's seriously going to throw a fit and not talk to anyone for months at a time, that's on her.  Honestly if I were in your shoes I'd consider her a lost cause and not worth the time, so give her one last choice then be done with it- if she can't get the dress fixed or find it in the right size, she has removed herself from the wedding party. Given that she flips out so quickly, make it short and sweet.  As long as she hears you say that she has to either get the right dress/fix what she has or step down, you've done your part.  She can decide on her own if she wants to be a grown up and fix the mess she made, or throw a fit.   
    Given that a BM's only job is to show up the day of wearing the dress, you don't need to talk to her about anything else.  If she wants to be mad about you not paying $400+++ for a makeup artist (Which is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS) then she can be mad to herself, you don't need to listen to her whine.  If she stops talking to everyone for two months, fine.  She'll either fix the dress or she won't, that's on her and she'll deal with the consequences of her own actions.  
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  • I am trying to go with her paying for the alterations.  I am going to put the stipulations of where she goes though.  And I get to talk to the person altering the dress in store, if it's not how I want it I am not having her walk down the aisle ahead of me. This girl took a dress that was Church appropriate (with a shawl to cover shoulders ) and turned it into a boob dress, I didn't know you could rip a seam 5 inches with just boobs...At this point I am not going to trust her "friend" who can fix the dress. I want it taken to a dress shop and she can order the fabric for $20 and pay to have the thing wearable. (it was so bad when I drove 300 miles to drop the dress off on a trip to see my dad before he moved across the country she wouldn't try it on when we stopped at her place on the way home) . If it costs her more than the $200 it cost for my dad to pay for the original dress that is her fault. She even had the nerve to tell me I should pay for her shoes for the wedding! We already bought all the jewelry, hair accessories and the dress! I guess I can be glad she is 300 miles away and I only have to see her about once a year after this. 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Aug814njd said:
    I am trying to go with her paying for the alterations.  I am going to put the stipulations of where she goes though.  And I get to talk to the person altering the dress in store, if it's not how I want it I am not having her walk down the aisle ahead of me. This girl took a dress that was Church appropriate (with a shawl to cover shoulders ) and turned it into a boob dress, I didn't know you could rip a seam 5 inches with just boobs...At this point I am not going to trust her "friend" who can fix the dress. I want it taken to a dress shop and she can order the fabric for $20 and pay to have the thing wearable. (it was so bad when I drove 300 miles to drop the dress off on a trip to see my dad before he moved across the country she wouldn't try it on when we stopped at her place on the way home) . If it costs her more than the $200 it cost for my dad to pay for the original dress that is her fault. She even had the nerve to tell me I should pay for her shoes for the wedding! We already bought all the jewelry, hair accessories and the dress! I guess I can be glad she is 300 miles away and I only have to see her about once a year after this. 
    Just stop.  You are micromanaging a bit too much.  I get that you don't want her to look like a whore in church, but at the end of the day if she looks like shit going down the aisle, that is on her, not you.


    JaclyneD said:
    @Aug814njd ; I don't think you fix the dress.  You, FMIL, FI - whoever has the best relationship with FSIL and the easiest time talking with her gives her the opinions, perhaps by email - replace the dress, get the alterations, make the current dress work, etc. - and the deadline to get it done.  If it's not done by the deadline and the dress is unwearable as is, she's made the decision to remove herself from the wedding party. 

    She's an adult and gets to be responsible for the consequences of her actions - she chose to order a size not knowing if it would work, she gets to fix the resulting mess.  Give this time to play itself out.

    ^this exactly.  Stop nagging her about the dress.  Have your FI or FMIL talk to her about fixing the dress and then let it go and don't worry about it.  If she shows up on your wedding day without her dress, then she is out of the wedding party.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    doeydochibiyuiHisGirlFriday13Blue_Bird
  • And what am I supposed to do then about replacing her on the day of my wedding if she doesn't show up with her dress? I would have to go through that stress on the day of my wedding.
  • Don't kick your FSIL out, it would just reflect poorly on you.  And stop trying to help her alter her dress.  She's an adult and it's her own fault for ordering one that's the wrong size.  If she does nothing about the dress in the next 6 months (which is more than enough time to rectify the situation), she'll be the one who will have to wear an ill-fitting dress, and that will reflect poorly on her, not you.  Try to forget about your FSIL and focus on more important things (other aspects of the wedding planning, and your shoulder surgery...hope it goes well!).
    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2014
    You do not get to tell her how or where to have the dress altered.  Your shoulder surgery is no excuse for ordering a dress far too early.  You created this mess, and now you need to deal with it.  Her relationship with her child's father has absolutely nothing to do with this.  Your insistence on bringing it up here only makes you look petty.  

    She is an adult.  She can figure out the dress situation on her own.  Leave it alone.  If she doesn't fix it by the wedding, she'll take herself out. (And you don't replace her.  That's even nastier than kicking her out.)  If she looks like a mess, that's her problem.  Stop trying to control her.  
    OliveOilsMomdoeydochibiyuiPrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Aug814njd said:
    And what am I supposed to do then about replacing her on the day of my wedding if she doesn't show up with her dress? I would have to go through that stress on the day of my wedding.
    You do nothing.  Those that showed up walk down the aisle ahead of you, then you walk down the aisle and get married.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Aug814njd said:
    And what am I supposed to do then about replacing her on the day of my wedding if she doesn't show up with her dress? I would have to go through that stress on the day of my wedding.
    Ask someone from the audience to take her place and have her wait in the car instead.
    AddieCakeOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLostSKPM
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What should you do about replacing her on the day of your wedding? Seriously? I do not understand why this remains a question with some brides.

    YOU DON'T. You have one less bridesmaid than you thought you would, and you move on with life.


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • OP, just keep in mind that this woman is going to be family soon, and you are going to be stuck with her and any lingering resentments etc for literally the rest of your life. I would tread very lightly here. Honestly, I would just have her get a dress in the same color and call it a day.

    Sometimes when it's family you just have to suck it up.


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