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Moms and Maids

Step down as MOH???

A friend of mine asked me to be her MOH for her wedding this May. We were very close and lived together all throughout college, everyone at school thought we were life long friends even though we were randomly assigned. Of course we had our moments, as anyone would, but we were always there for each other. I along with my husband helped set her up with her fiance. I was married 4 months ago and she was in my wedding but being I have 2 sisters they were my attendants of honor, which she had no problem with. I did my best to help her get her wedding plans rolling while finishing up my own wedding including dress shopping for her dress and BM dresses. I also helped her look up various venues. etc. From the moment I was engaged I tried to maintain a good relationship with all of my friends in my WP always trying to as how they were and do non-wedding related things at times, though my one friend who asked me to be her MOH seemed to become more and more distant. At first I thought maybe she was overwhelmed, but it has been several months. I try to make plans with her wedding related help and otherwise, but she always seems to blow me off. The only time I see her is when her fiance makes plans with my husband ( my husband is his best man). I even went as far as giving her a christmas gift which involved doing a activity that she likes together just so we can hang out. To add insult to injury I am trying to plan her shower/ bachelorette with her other BMs and they are little to no help at all. I have been trying to get opinions/ ideas from them for months and they just kind of say whatever you want, so I turned to the MOB for help/ ideas as I do not live in the same town as the bride. Together we narrowed it down to 2 places which I presented to all of the girls along with costs and I have not received any responses. I have done my best to keep it reasonable ( its not like I have unlimited funds either after paying for my own wedding) and I gave each girl my personal info so they could contact me directly if they didn't want to express concerns to the group. I also told them to offer any other options which may be more affordable as 4 of the 5 others live in the same town as the bride and still nothing. I am growing more and more frustrated and the plan for the bachelorette/ shower is March 22 as the one BM has bought her plane ticket for that weekend. I knew her childhood friends were a little flaky, as per the bride, but I don't know what else to do. The bride has also made comments like well I couldn't pick between my childhood friends so you have to be my MOH, which also makes me feel like she knew none of her childhood friends would step up and do anything. I don't want to go running to her and complain as I knew how that felt several months ago when I was a bride. If push came to shove I could swing throwing the shower alone, but considering the bride's overall attitude towards our friendship I just don't feel justified spending $1,200-$1,400 on just her shower when I am trying to buy a house. Am I being completely out of line? 

Re: Step down as MOH???

  • The MOB wanted to have it at a restaurant. I suggested brunch as it is a cheaper option ( about $18 a person). The place she wanted to have it was more. A few of the other BM's also said yes to a restaurant because they did not want to bring the food. In the Philadelphia area you are going to pay $500-$600 just to rent the hall. Once you buy, food, drinks, and supplies for 60-70 people the costs will be about the same. I have thrown other showers before as a group and it is usually around $200 a person depending on the size of the bridal party and number of guests. I have not forced anyone into anything and would like to save as much money as possible. I live in a small apartment and no one has offered their home and I do not feel comfortable asking anyone to do so. The MOB also feels that every female should get an invite to the shower which I think is a little old school. When I had my shower it was my friends/ family and my future husband's mom, sister, and grandmother. To invite people the bride does not even know seems a little gift grabby to me. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    A friend of mine asked me to be her MOH for her wedding this May. We were very close and lived together all throughout college, everyone at school thought we were life long friends even though we were randomly assigned. Of course we had our moments, as anyone would, but we were always there for each other. I along with my husband helped set her up with her fiance. I was married 4 months ago and she was in my wedding but being I have 2 sisters they were my attendants of honor, which she had no problem with. I did my best to help her get her wedding plans rolling while finishing up my own wedding including dress shopping for her dress and BM dresses. I also helped her look up various venues. etc. From the moment I was engaged I tried to maintain a good relationship with all of my friends in my WP always trying to as how they were and do non-wedding related things at times, though my one friend who asked me to be her MOH seemed to become more and more distant. At first I thought maybe she was overwhelmed, but it has been several months. I try to make plans with her wedding related help and otherwise, but she always seems to blow me off. The only time I see her is when her fiance makes plans with my husband ( my husband is his best man). I even went as far as giving her a christmas gift which involved doing a activity that she likes together just so we can hang out. To add insult to injury I am trying to plan her shower/ bachelorette with her other BMs and they are little to no help at all. I have been trying to get opinions/ ideas from them for months and they just kind of say whatever you want, so I turned to the MOB for help/ ideas as I do not live in the same town as the bride. Together we narrowed it down to 2 places which I presented to all of the girls along with costs and I have not received any responses. I have done my best to keep it reasonable ( its not like I have unlimited funds either after paying for my own wedding) and I gave each girl my personal info so they could contact me directly if they didn't want to express concerns to the group. I also told them to offer any other options which may be more affordable as 4 of the 5 others live in the same town as the bride and still nothing. I am growing more and more frustrated and the plan for the bachelorette/ shower is March 22 as the one BM has bought her plane ticket for that weekend. I knew her childhood friends were a little flaky, as per the bride, but I don't know what else to do. The bride has also made comments like well I couldn't pick between my childhood friends so you have to be my MOH, which also makes me feel like she knew none of her childhood friends would step up and do anything. I don't want to go running to her and complain as I knew how that felt several months ago when I was a bride. If push came to shove I could swing throwing the shower alone, but considering the bride's overall attitude towards our friendship I just don't feel justified spending $1,200-$1,400 on just her shower when I am trying to buy a house. Am I being completely out of line? 
    If no one else is willing to help you pay for these events, then only plan what you can afford.  If that means telling the bride that you can only host 20 people in your apt, then that is your guest list.  Ask her to narrow down her current shower guest list to those 20 people.  If the MOB has a problem with that, I think you can tell her that you cannot afford to throw the lavish party she wants.  

    I was once caught as a BM with an overbearing MOB, she ruled everything.  She also needed to have everything as expensive as possible because she always had to show off to her family as if she were super rich.  At the time, the rest of the BMs didn't know how to say no.  That was a great learning experience for me and the rest of us.  I'm currently a BM in another wedding and I had no problems letting the shower planner know that I can only afford x amount, since H & I are also saving to get a house!  So don't be afraid to stand up for yourself!
    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    Let MOB know that you can't afford the kind of shower that she wants. Sixty guests is extravagant for a shower. 

    Call those bms who agreed to help host. Ask each one what they are able to contribute. Request their checks ASAP. Don't plan anything until you have that cash in hand. Add that to whatever amount you want to contribute. That is your budget. Take it and divide by the $18/pp that your place of choice will charge. That's the number of guests you should invite. Ask the bride to cut the guest list to that number. If MOB fusses, ask her to cover the difference. Or, she could throw the shower and you can throw the bp. 
                       
  • Did the other Bridemaids say they would help host?  If not, do not expect them to help.  It is not required for them to host (or even you!)  If you WANT to host a shower you can but do it on your budget, not the brides.  $1200 seems to be an absolutely ridiculous amount to spend on a bridal shower.  Any shower I helped with was less than $150 out of my own pocket.  My mom and aunt threw me a very nice shower at a restaurant and a nice lunch for 30 people was under $500 and we had wine/champagne included in that cost (and I only knew that because I was sitting with my Aunt when she paid the tab).

    The bride does not get to dictate the guest list nor how much you need to spend.  You should be the one saying bride I can afford to host this many people, please submit a guest list. 

    good luck with that one.  I would not necessarily step down, but I would not break my bank.  If you get the extra help/financial cost great, but if not then it is what it is.  It does make me sad that nobody else would help or say they would and flake.  While it is not a requirement by any means, I would hope that if you went to her friends and asked for their help that people would step up and at least give what they can.  Has her mom or anyone expressed the desire to help you?


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    Anniversary
  • I am currently in a very similar situation to you.  I'm my friend's MOH and my wedding is 2 weeks before hers, which is stressful, but it's your friend so just got that extra mile.  My friend is very prone to only wanting to hang out with her fiance, which has now resulted in her not having many really great, loyal friends.  These women are now her maids and it is IMPOSSIBLE to get them to commit to much or contribute.  For her shower I don't anticipate any help from them so I am doing it in a venue which I do not have to pay a fee for and will do fun, simple decorations, and will get yummy but inexpensive food.  I'm thinking like a $500 budget max.

    She is your friend and has been there for you.  You agreed to be her MOH - which is a big deal.  It's not like agreeing to go to lunch.  It will get unpleasant and will be inconvenient... but that's how relationships are.  Be the bigger person.  
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  • Do you need to rent a hall?
    My shower was thrown at my favorite place for brunch. My friend just made prior arrangements with the restaurant and they put us (14 of us) in a corner. It wasn't "private" but we were pretty removed from most of the other patrons. The restaurant also had a separate room to rent out... but it just wasn't necessary.

    Is something like this possible? And yeah, cut the guest list. As the one hosting and paying for the shower, you have say on the guest list. Only invite her close friends and family. Your instincts are right on that one.
    PrettyGirlLostJen&Mike8
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
  • I would tell MOB to pony up for the cost if she wants it at an expensive place with 60 people.  Saying that then not offering to pay was very rude of the MOB!!!  Tell the MOB that you cannot get anyone to communicate and you don't want to bug the bride, so it is either she pays or new plans.  Two of the nicest shower I ever went to were at peoples houses!  I mean, the houses were not your average homes...built to entertain but you could play around with it.  If you live in an open floor plan, move around the couches or tables to create more space?!  Church basement? Favorite Restaurant? A local community college or university with a banquette room??  Get creative and you do not need fresh flowers on every table, or anything crazy, simple and sweet is all you really need!! Anything else is just extra.
  • LoveLee2014LoveLee2014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
  • OK let's back up a second. Are you only throwing this shower in the first place because you think it's your (and the BM's) responsibility? It's not. A shower is a gift that should be given freely by whomever wants to give one, and given within the limits of whatever that person is comfortable with, PERIOD. But phrasing it as "adding insult to injury" doesn't really make this sound like it's coming from a goodness-of-your-heart kind of place. It's not something that's owed to her or to which she's entitled, it's not a MOH "duty," it's not anything that you should feel guilted or pressured into doing. And the same goes for the bridesmaids, which is probably why they're avoiding the topic. If you really truly want to gift her with this shower, lay out exactly the terms with which you are comfortable. If she (or the MOB, or anyone else) is not satisfied with the plans you are generously offering, they're free to pony up a party of their own and you're free to withdraw your offer. Don't overextend yourself. 

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would tell MOB to pony up for the cost if she wants it at an expensive place with 60 people.  Saying that then not offering to pay was very rude of the MOB!!!  Tell the MOB that you cannot get anyone to communicate and you don't want to bug the bride, so it is either she pays or new plans. 
    This.  It's not up to her to decide for you what kind of party you throw for the bride if she's not paying.

    That said, if you really want to throw the bride any kind of party, you need to change your attitude.  Don't martyr yourself to do it.  It's not your "duty" or any of the bridesmaids' to host a shower or any other event for the bride; it's just a nice thing to do if you feel like it.  But if you do, then going in there with a "I'm so put upon" attitude will be counterproductive.
    happymellow
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