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Etiquette

what should I do?

So far FI has been amazing with planning.  He is very involved and definitely has his own opinion.  While all of that is awesome, when it comes to etiquette, FI is very much lacking in his knowledge.  He has had many suggestions that I've had to veto per etiquette rules (attire on invites, dollar dance, etc) but he's learning.

Well I was talking to FI today only to find out, he straight up B listed a couple we know.  We have a lot of mutual friends with this couple but we just aren't good enough friends with them to put them on the list.  I just sent out our STDates on Tuesday (yay!) and an aunt of mine posted on my facebook wall saying she got our STDates and that she was excited.  I think this couple saw this post, along with all of our mutual friends getting their STDates, and was upset that they didn't get one.  Apparently, the guy asked FI where their STDate was and FI did an awesome job bean dipping him and telling him that we are paying for the wedding ourselves and we had to make a lot of cuts on our friends list due to budget constraints.  Then he followed all of that perfect bean-dipping up with telling him that if a lot of his family declines then they are invited.

What would ya'll do in this situation? I'm stumped and don't know what to do! FWIW I set FI straight and told him that what he did was B listing and it wasn't cool and to not do it anymore.

tl;dr FI verbally B-listed a couple and now I'm stumped on what to do.

 

Re: what should I do?

  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    That sucks- hopefully your friends are understanding. I was B-listed once. A friend of mine had been living in Japan and was coming back to Maryland for her wedding. It was very, very small and she told me sort of last minute that people were unable to come and she would love if I could make it. I happily went and had a great time. It was nice to see her since it had been a really long time!

    While I recognize that B-listing is tacky, I still wanted to see my friend and I loved being at her wedding. I don't take it as personally as some people do.

    Why weren't they invited in the first place? It seems like a lot of your friends were- just not this couple?
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  • It was rude of them to not only assume they were invited, but also to ask for a STD! However, it was also rude of your FI to inform them outright that they were B-list guests. I think, if you value their friendship, the only thing you can do is send them a STD. Just put one in the mail for them and don't even mention the conversation with your FI unless they bring it up first. If they bring it up (which would be very awkward for them to do) just simply say there was a misunderstanding and that you had always intended to invite them, etc. 

    If their friendship is not that important to you, I wouldn't do anything. Make sure your FI understands that B-listing people is very rude/potentially hurtful since you're telling someone that they are not as valued as another set of people and ask that he not say this to anyone else!
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think the friend were rude to begin with, by asking where their STD was. No one should feel they are entitled to come to your wedding. They put your FI on the spot, so don't get too upset with him, he was probably just trying to think up something quickly.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    What would ya'll do in this situation? I'm stumped and don't know what to do! FWIW I set FI straight and told him that what he did was B listing and it wasn't cool and to not do it anymore.

    tl;dr FI verbally B-listed a couple and now I'm stumped on what to do.
    Honestly, if he's that etiquette-ignorant, I think that before he does anything else wedding-related, you need to have him sit down and read, cover to cover, a good book on wedding etiquette so he'll stop making so many mistakes.

    Given that this was not an invitation but a save-the-date, I'd tell your FI: "No B listing.  It is not okay to invite people on the assumption that anyone else will refuse."

    Then I think you need to tell him, "FI, the guest list is closed.  No verbal invitations to anyone."

    And finally, with regard to the couple he spoke to, if you can fit them in somehow and don't mind their coming, great; if not, great.  He has to take responsibility for telling them that he erroneously invited them.
    HisGirlFriday13doeydo
  • Jen4948 said:

    Honestly, if he's that etiquette-ignorant, I think that before he does anything else wedding-related, you need to have him sit down and read, cover to cover, a good book on wedding etiquette so he'll stop making so many mistakes.

    Given that this was not an invitation but a save-the-date, I'd tell your FI: "No B listing.  It is not okay to invite people on the assumption that anyone else will refuse."

    Then I think you need to tell him, "FI, the guest list is closed.  No verbal invitations to anyone."

    And finally, with regard to the couple he spoke to, if you can fit them in somehow and don't mind their coming, great; if not, great.  He has to take responsibility for telling them that he erroneously invited them.
    This.  My first thought was that he could benefit from a good etiquette book.  It sounds like his heart is in the right place, and he is willing to learn, so it would be a great idea to take action to prevent future blunders.
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  • sarahufl said:
    That sucks- hopefully your friends are understanding. I was B-listed once. A friend of mine had been living in Japan and was coming back to Maryland for her wedding. It was very, very small and she told me sort of last minute that people were unable to come and she would love if I could make it. I happily went and had a great time. It was nice to see her since it had been a really long time!

    While I recognize that B-listing is tacky, I still wanted to see my friend and I loved being at her wedding. I don't take it as personally as some people do.

    Why weren't they invited in the first place? It seems like a lot of your friends were- just not this couple?

    I agree with you. I don't take it as personally either.
  • While their friendship really isn't that important to me or FI for that matter, we will probably end up just inviting them like normal and acting as if they were on the list in the first place.  Thank you all for your kind suggestions! I've learned a lot from you ladies these past 6 months of wedding planning so I greatly appreciate all that as well!

    I think this is the best course of action.  
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
     an aunt of mine posted on my facebook wall saying she got our STDates and that she was excited.  I think this couple saw this post, along with all of our mutual friends getting their STDates, 
    Ugh. This is one of the things I hate about Facebook. Luckily, I figured out how to filter things that appear on my wall before our STDs went out. Too many people post on walls when it really belongs in a PM (or phone call). Any time I get an STD (heh), I send the person a text or PM to let them know I got it, thank you for inviting me, I love the design, I'm excited, blah blah blah.

    Anyway, I had mine set so I had to approve anything that people posted on my timeline, including general messages and tagged photos. It's a good thing, too, since several people posted about getting their invitations, and one aunt even went so far as to scan it and tag me in it. She just wanted to show people what it looked like since she liked the design, but can you imagine how many surprised guests we might have had? Oh. My. God.

  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    If this happens in future, remember that not everyone who is invited has to get a Save the Date. If someone else asks who you do want to invite, just say "oh, we thought you knew when things were. We only sent those to (out of town friends/ family/ whatever)"
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  • WeeshWeesh NY member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Inkdancer said:
    If this happens in future, remember that not everyone who is invited has to get a Save the Date. If someone else asks who you do want to invite, just say "oh, we thought you knew when things were. We only sent those to (out of town friends/ family/ whatever)"
    This happened to me too with a co-worker at a baby shower.  I had sent STDs to family, bridal party, and my colleagues.  My co-worker mentioned it in front of a mutual friend who we were planning on inviting, but did not send a STD.  I tried to change the subject, and I told my mutual friend later who we sent STDs to.  She was completely fine with it, but I just felt badly.
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