Guest assumed his kids were invited...now what?

rlobel · February 2014

I'd appreciate any insight on this issue...

A very good friend of my fiancé just received his invitation, addressed just to him, and left a voicemail saying that he and his two sons were excited to attend. He is a single father who has childcare resources. His sons are very sweet boys, but also 5 and 8 years old, and kids we don't have relationships with. They will need kid meals and won't just "blend into the background" like a small baby might do. We cannot tell this friend that it is an "adult only" event because we do have 7 family children who will be there.

How do we tell our friend that the invitation was just for him? We really want him there, but accommodating for two additional guests seems like a lot.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

doeydo · February 2014

Give him a phone call and explain that you are sorry for any confusion but the invitation was meant just for him. If he presses, just say that you were unable to invite everyone that you wanted to then change the subject.

JustNicki · February 2014

Have FI call him and say, "I'm so sorry, but I wanted to let you know that we can't accommodate children outside of our family at the wedding. I really hope you'll still be able to make it because we'd love for you to celebrate with us."

AddieCake · February 2014

Ditto PPs. It's a tad awkward of a call to make, but that's all you have to do.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Have your FI call him and say, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation is only for you. We couldn't invite everyone we would have liked to invite. We hope you can still join us."

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

The fact there will be seven other children there is irrelevant. They were invited and his kids weren't. If he asks, you can tell him that they're family, but you don't have to justify your invitation decisions to him.

Ditto PPs with having your FI call ASAP to clear up the confusion and give him plenty of time to arrange childcare.

tx91 · February 2014

Almost the same situation has happened at several of my friends and families weddings. People have a tendency to assume their families are invited. Honestly since it's not an adults only reception that is very awkward but it's also a little rude of him to assume his kids were invited if not addressed on the invitation though. If the matter is financial or just an issue of space I would definitely give him a call and let him now you only made arrangement for him but maybe slip in that he is seated next to people he knows or other singles if his worry is about coming alone. Personally if it's not financial and won't hurt you I would let it slide and let him bring his kids but that is a personal opinion. It's completely appropriate to let him now you only made arrangements for him and even though you think his kids are great your not sure you can make it work on such short notice.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

You just need to tell him that you're sorry, but you aren't able to include the kids and you hope he's still able to attend. If the kids get upset that they can't go, then that's his problem for telling them incorrectly. The conversation sucks to have, but one of you (whoever is closest to him) must have it, and soon. He is in the wrong here, not you. There is nothing wrong with including only family kids.

Amyzen83 · February 2014

All of these are good advice, I have nothing to add, but these conversations suck to have. I'm sorry OP! Good luck!

jalyndani · February 2014

I'm kinda in the same situation. I sent out my Save the Dates two weeks ago...electronically. I had a link to our wedding website here at The Knot included in the email. On our website is a section that explicitly states "adult ceremony and reception".

Today, a friend messaged me on Facebook saying she got the email and that she and her two INFANTS - who will be 15 months and 8 WEEKS old the day of the wedding- are excited to come.

....wtf do I say? What do I do?? My invitations haven't gone out yet, but I was already planning to write "Adult Reception to Follow" on the response cards, along with addressing it only to her and her hubs. My ceremony & reception are at a very intimate, romantic, RURAL chapel in the woods outside of our town. It's not a suitable location for kids AT ALL, and all of that is detailed on the website. How do I direct this person to our website and this info without being rude? Do I say anything at all right now? HELP.

jalyndani · February 2014

Oh, and our caterer doesn't differentiate between adult and child. If it sits in a chair, regardless of age, it counts as an eater.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

jalyndani said:
I'm kinda in the same situation. I sent out my Save the Dates two weeks ago...electronically. I had a link to our wedding website here at The Knot included in the email. On our website is a section that explicitly states "adult ceremony and reception".

Today, a friend messaged me on Facebook saying she got the email and that she and her two INFANTS - who will be 15 months and 8 WEEKS old the day of the wedding- are excited to come.

....wtf do I say? What do I do?? My invitations haven't gone out yet, but I was already planning to write "Adult Reception to Follow" on the response cards, along with addressing it only to her and her hubs. My ceremony & reception are at a very intimate, romantic, RURAL chapel in the woods outside of our town. It's not a suitable location for kids AT ALL, and all of that is detailed on the website. How do I direct this person to our website and this info without being rude? Do I say anything at all right now? HELP.

You do exactly what we told the OP to do: call her up and say, 'I'm sorry, but the invite is for you and your husband only. We cannot accommodate your children.'

If she says, "Well, then we can't come,' you have to make the decision about whether you'd rather have her there or have no kids. Either option is fine, but you have to make that decision and own it.

Also, by any reasonable catering standard, the eight week old won't count. It certainly won't be sitting in a chair by then.

Jen4948 · February 2014

jalyndani said:

I'm kinda in the same situation. I sent out my Save the Dates two weeks ago...electronically. I had a link to our wedding website here at The Knot included in the email. On our website is a section that explicitly states "adult ceremony and reception".

Today, a friend messaged me on Facebook saying she got the email and that she and her two INFANTS - who will be 15 months and 8 WEEKS old the day of the wedding- are excited to come.

....wtf do I say? What do I do?? My invitations haven't gone out yet, but I was already planning to write "Adult Reception to Follow" on the response cards, along with addressing it only to her and her hubs. My ceremony & reception are at a very intimate, romantic, RURAL chapel in the woods outside of our town. It's not a suitable location for kids AT ALL, and all of that is detailed on the website. How do I direct this person to our website and this info without being rude? Do I say anything at all right now? HELP.

You tell her, "I'm sorry, but only you and your husband are invited, not your infants." Don't go into why, because it makes you look defensive and gives her a chance to counter with "They'll be no trouble at all" and more of "They're so excited" in order to manipulate you into inviting them.

If she indicates that she and her husband won't attend without them, you respond, "I'm sorry to hear that-we'll miss you" but make no concessions.

Weesh · February 2014

jalyndani said:

I'm kinda in the same situation. I sent out my Save the Dates two weeks ago...electronically. I had a link to our wedding website here at The Knot included in the email. On our website is a section that explicitly states "adult ceremony and reception".

Today, a friend messaged me on Facebook saying she got the email and that she and her two INFANTS - who will be 15 months and 8 WEEKS old the day of the wedding- are excited to come.

....wtf do I say? What do I do?? My invitations haven't gone out yet, but I was already planning to write "Adult Reception to Follow" on the response cards, along with addressing it only to her and her hubs. My ceremony & reception are at a very intimate, romantic, RURAL chapel in the woods outside of our town. It's not a suitable location for kids AT ALL, and all of that is detailed on the website. How do I direct this person to our website and this info without being rude? Do I say anything at all right now? HELP.

You should call them and let them know that the STD was only for your friend and her husband and the invite will be the same. It might be an uncomfortable conversation, but all of the extra details about the location, etc. aren't really necessary. You are free to have a child-less wedding without an explanation.

Also, I would not write adult only reception on the invitation. Pass the information through word of mouth and call anyone who RSVPs with more than the people allocated on the invitation. You would do that if someone RSVP-ed with extra people (old, young, etc.), why wouldn't you do that if they added their children who weren't listed on the invite?

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

@jalyndani I would skip the adults only wording and just let that spread via word-of-mouth.

In both of your situations I would contact the people ASAP and inform them that the invite was only for X and Y and that you hope they can still make it. Providing any excusses will just make you look bad and open up the oppurtnuity for the guests to plea their cases and try to be an execption.

jalyndani · February 2014

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I appreciate y'alls input. Now...here's the next conundrum:

We are having an EXTREMELY small wedding, only 70 of our closest friends and immediate family members. Most of our bridal party have small kids, but when approaching the topic with them, they were THRILLED to leave their minions at home. None of my family has young kids (except for my cousin's 5yo who is my flower girl). FH has some cousins that have a shit-ton of kids, but they're from out of state and not coming anyway. This particular friend is the only non-family, non-bridal party invitee with kids who's wanting to bring them. Word of mouth isn't going to work with her b/c she's not associated with any of the other guests.

So how do I tell my mom that SOMETHING has to be said now? Her take was to keep my mouth shut and let the invitations/response cards speak for themselves.

.

Inkdancer · February 2014

Your mom was right about letting the invitations do the talking. Telling people "no kids" either on the invitation or website is against etiquette. You don't need to say anything to your mother at all. Just call the confused guest, explain that you are unable to accommodate children, and leave it at that.

jalyndani · February 2014

So...I do call the person, then address the invitation to her and hubby only, but don't have the phrase "Adult Reception to Follow" on the RSVP card or website? Our website simply had a phrase in the Ceremony & Reception section that stated, "Due to the intimate size and rural location of our venue, we have decided to have an adult ceremony and reception."

I mean, I really don't want a screaming infant at our wedding. Hell, even when we go out to eat we will have the hostess move us if they try to seat us next to THAT family with the screaming, crying kids that throw the crackers on the floor and turn around in the booth to look at us behind them. The last thing I want on the day we finally get married (after 11 years...) is a screaming 8 week old infant if this girl doesn't get the picture.

Jen4948 · February 2014

jalyndani said:

So...I do call the person, then address the invitation to her and hubby only, but don't have the phrase "Adult Reception to Follow" on the RSVP card or website? That's correct.

Our website simply had a phrase in the Ceremony & Reception section that stated, "Due to the intimate size and rural location of our venue, we have decided to have an adult ceremony and reception."

This was not appropriate.

I mean, I really don't want a screaming infant at our wedding. Hell, even when we go out to eat we will have the hostess move us if they try to seat us next to THAT family with the screaming, crying kids that throw the crackers on the floor and turn around in the booth to look at us behind them. The last thing I want on the day we finally get married (after 11 years...) is a screaming 8 week old infant if this girl doesn't get the picture.

I don't blame you, but the way to get this across is to leave the kids' names off the invitation. Yes, it means that some parents need to be told bluntly, after they rudely indicate that they plan to bring their uninvited kids, that the kids are uninvited and cannot be accommodated. But, you do not address the issue until someone brings it up with their inappropriate RSVPing for uninvited guests-you don't make the automatic assumption that people won't understand it before they do RSVP.

jalyndani · February 2014

Thank you for the advice

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

jalyndani said:

So...I do call the person, then address the invitation to her and hubby only, but don't have the phrase "Adult Reception to Follow" on the RSVP card or website? Our website simply had a phrase in the Ceremony & Reception section that stated, "Due to the intimate size and rural location of our venue, we have decided to have an adult ceremony and reception."

I mean, I really don't want a screaming infant at our wedding. Hell, even when we go out to eat we will have the hostess move us if they try to seat us next to THAT family with the screaming, crying kids that throw the crackers on the floor and turn around in the booth to look at us behind them. The last thing I want on the day we finally get married (after 11 years...) is a screaming 8 week old infant if this girl doesn't get the picture.

You should remove the bolded. Now any rude guest that wants you to make an exception has a point to argue with you. "Oh, you're worried about the size of the venue? You can make an exception for little Timmy because I'll keep him on my lap."

It's fine not to invite children, but you shouldn't give an excuse or reason. Just leave it at the kids aren't invited.

sarahufl · February 2014

jalyndani said:

So...I do call the person, then address the invitation to her and hubby only, but don't have the phrase "Adult Reception to Follow" on the RSVP card or website? Our website simply had a phrase in the Ceremony & Reception section that stated, "Due to the intimate size and rural location of our venue, we have decided to have an adult ceremony and reception."

I mean, I really don't want a screaming infant at our wedding. Hell, even when we go out to eat we will have the hostess move us if they try to seat us next to THAT family with the screaming, crying kids that throw the crackers on the floor and turn around in the booth to look at us behind them. The last thing I want on the day we finally get married (after 11 years...) is a screaming 8 week old infant if this girl doesn't get the picture.

While you are entitled to his opinion, please word it differently to your friend. You come off very anti-kid and very rude. A lot of 8 week olds are fine and just because they are babies does not mean they will scream the entire time.

Telling your friends that kids aren't invited is one thing, but invoking screaming infants and baby-bashing won't get you very far.

jalyndani · February 2014

Well, it's not like that was what I was going to tell her verbatim. I'm just venting here. Geez. Give me some credit.

aurianna · February 2014

@jalyndani

Address the invites just to the couple (as PPs have said, avoid putting "no kids" or any of its variations; invites are meant to say who is invited rather than spelling out who is not invited)

And then on the response card, could you have something like "2 Seats have been reserved in your honor" (This is a way of telling them they are the only two invited without spelling out who isn't. If they take it literally, they also might realize there are only 2 seats aka not the four it would take to put their kids at the table)

And what we did because we had a meal choice, is we asked for them to write their names next to their meal choice.

This worked out well. One family added their kid and another couple did a substitution for someone who was not invited. So we were able to call them up in time to cut off the confusion.

Guest assumed his kids were invited...now what?

Re: Guest assumed his kids were invited...now what?

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