answered. thanks ya'll

Re: answered. thanks ya'll

• AddieCake member

  

  February 2014

  If you and your fiance are in agreement that this is a hill to die on, then he needs to firmly tell her that she needs to inform these people that the 2 additional guests are NOT invited and that is the final word and the discussion is closed. If she says she won't come to the wedding, he should tell her he is sorry to hear that. (She won't skip his wedding over this, I'm sure. Call her bluff.)

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  February 2014

  Oh I hear you with the FMIL drama. How old are these "girls"? Are they adults or are they teenagers. This would influence my decision.  Everyone should be invited with their SO, but if they are children, then no I would die on this hill. If they are adults, then maybe I would allow it. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  February 2014

  speedyblazer11 said:

  hello ladies (and gents if your out there too). 
  
  I am 30ish days out and my FMIL has informed us that she has invited (verbally) two guys that we don't know.  When we sent out invites months ago FMIL insisted that her close friends be invited with their daughters.  Now I don't know these people and FI hasn't seen them for 20yrs, and we were trying to keep our wedding small and close family only, but to save the peace we decided to invite them.  We sent our invites with the names listed on the envelope Wife, Husband, and Girl 1 and Girl 2 just like FMIL gave them to us. Now she has told the girls that their new boyfriends (that weren't there when invites went out) could come. We haven't even received the RSVP for these people, and with our dead line only a week away, it doesn't look like we are going to get one.  So, I told her that they were not invited and could not come.
  
  That ended badly.  She is now saying she won't come to the wedding unless these guys are invited.  FI has agreed with me that he doesn't want them there either and that this is a hill that we are willing to die on, so I guess my question is how do I help my man threw this? Or are we being completely crazy? She has already invited another man after our invites went out, but since he was a distant relative we allowed it. Now I wish we hadn't (not like she asked she just did it then informed us after).
  
  She says she is paying for the flowers and is helping cook the food, but she hasn't gave us the money yet and I never expected to get it anyway. We invited everyone she wanted and let her pick out all the flowers with me. So she has been involved and she knows the kind of wedding we want. But it just seems crazy to me that she is whiling to miss her sons wedding over men she doesn't know.  She was pretty insulting to me and FI when we tried to talk to her about this and I just don't know what to do now.  She is a bit of a bully and manipulates situations to get what she wants, so I know if we cave with this it won't stop with just these two people, it will be with every other thing that happens for the rest of our life.
  
  So what should I do? FI is with me all the way, but I just wonder if there is more I can do for the situation? Or should I just continue to let him deal with it?  Thanks to whoever gets threw this long post, and I am sorry for the length.
  

  Yikes.  You guys have already caved to her a lot.  If you're united on this issue with Fi, then this is a hill worth dying on.  You need to stand up to her now and set the precedent that she can't boss you guys around.

  
  

  You are totally etiquette-okay on not inviting these BFs, if they really are new since invites went out.  How old are these "girls" btw?  If they are young enough to be on their parents' invite, they aren't even adults and def don't need their bf invited.

  
  

  I think the only thing to do here is call her bluff.  Just have Fi say, "Mom, the guest list is closed.  We really hope you'll come to the wedding, and we'll miss you if you aren't there."  Then stop engaging her about it.  If she threatens not to attend, just say she'll be missed.

  
  

  A side point: is there some kind of backstory about why his mom is so adamant about these guests and this family?  This whole thing just seems really irrational to me.  Does she have some obsession with maybe impressing these friends or something?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  February 2014

  Call her bluff. If she says, 'Invite them or I won't come!' say to her very calmly and cheerfully, 'OK, well, we'll miss you!'
  
  She wants to bully you into getting her own way, and if you give in, she'll just keep asking for more.
  
  Put your foot down, draw a line in the sand, and say no.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• monkeysip member

  

  February 2014

  Seriously, she really needs to butt out, especially since it sounds like she's not really contributing to this wedding at all (since you're probably never getting this promised money for flowers and food).

  
  

  FI has to put his foot down and call her bluff, like pps said.  She would really skip your wedding for the sake of the two boyfriends of her friends' daughters?  Really?  Sounds like she's a manipulative woman who will make threats to get her way even for dumb little things.

  
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• speedyblazer11 member

  

  February 2014

  laurynm84 Sorry it didn't say in my post they are 18 and 20 got their own invites and they were not seeing anyone (I checked facebook and they aren't private, plus I asked FMIL) when our invites went out. We sent them at the 8 week mark b/c 80% of our list in OOS. 
  
  I now realize I might should have tried to get up with these girls and made absolutely sure that they weren't seeing anyone, but it's too late for that. I don't know them and now I really don't want to. not that this is their fault, but really isn't it rude to ask if your boyfriend can come to a wedding or people that you don't even know? And shouldn't you try to ask the bride if you want some kind of request?
  
  JCBride2014 yes there is back story.  The parents of the girls are "life long friends" and yes she always wants to impress everyone with how much money she has and how great of a mom she is.  She says that she is unwilling to lose this friendship over me being irrational.  And then should hung up the phone on FI b/c he was being mean to her.
  
  Thanks for the advice and reassurance I know that this wasn't the best situation, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. And if anyone is thinking it, yes even with all this drama I really do want her to come. She is his mother, and that matters to me, even if she is being crazy pants that day. 
  

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• ktjanesmom member

  

  February 2014

  Please give me her telephone number and let me call her.  People like her make me so angry.  I just cannot get over the nerve of some people!
  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  February 2014

  speedyblazer11 said:

  laurynm84 Sorry it didn't say in my post they are 18 and 20 got their own invites and they were not seeing anyone (I checked facebook and they aren't private, plus I asked FMIL) when our invites went out. We sent them at the 8 week mark b/c 80% of our list in OOS. 
  
  I now realize I might should have tried to get up with these girls and made absolutely sure that they weren't seeing anyone, but it's too late for that. I don't know them and now I really don't want to. not that this is their fault, but really isn't it rude to ask if your boyfriend can come to a wedding or people that you don't even know? And shouldn't you try to ask the bride if you want some kind of request?
  
  JCBride2014 yes there is back story.  The parents of the girls are "life long friends" and yes she always wants to impress everyone with how much money she has and how great of a mom she is.  She says that she is unwilling to lose this friendship over me being irrational.  And then should hung up the phone on FI b/c he was being mean to her.
  
  Thanks for the advice and reassurance I know that this wasn't the best situation, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. And if anyone is thinking it, yes even with all this drama I really do want her to come. She is his mother, and that matters to me, even if she is being crazy pants that day. 
  

  Why is this all your fault? It's your FI wedding too; is he in agreement? And FMIL is being ridiculous (the bolded). Even though if it was anyone else, I'd probably give the daughters a guest, the fact that FMIL is being irrational would make me push back on her. It's not rude to not invite someone's boyfriend if they started dating after invites went out. (Also, I had already gone to 2 weddings with now FI before it was "facebook official".)

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• indianaalum member

  

  February 2014

  This sucks, but since they are adults and they ARE dating these men, I'd let it slide.

  
  

  This is why. ...do you really want this to be held against you for the next 25 years while you are married to your husband?

  
  

  IS she being manipulative? Yes, but in some regards, it's not a hill worth dying over in regards to LONG term relationship between you and you FMIL,

  
  

  Just my two cents

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• monkeysip member

  

  February 2014

  indianaalum said:

  This sucks, but since they are adults and they ARE dating these men, I'd let it slide.

  
  

  This is why. ...do you really want this to be held against you for the next 25 years while you are married to your husband?

  
  

  IS she being manipulative? Yes, but in some regards, it's not a hill worth dying over in regards to LONG term relationship between you and you FMIL,

  
  

  Just my two cents

  I agree that they are adults and should have their SOs with them, but what I don't agree with is this idea that it should affect her long term relationship with her FMIL.

  
  

  FI should be bearing the responsibility with issues with his own mom.  It shouldn't be OP's fault or problem.  If FMIL is really going to treat OP poorly because of this, then she's just looking for reasons to dislike her and start drama.

  
  

  I didn't handle any of these issues with H's mom.  There were some disagreements over the guest list with his parents, but he handled it all.  And they didn't hold anything against me (but then again, they're also not manipulative, controlling people either).

  
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• jdluvr06 member

  

  February 2014

  I agree with the PPs. Call her bluff on this. You have compromised enough and if you keep caving she Is going to keep asking for more.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  February 2014

  indianaalum said:

  This sucks, but since they are adults and they ARE dating these men, I'd let it slide.

  
  

  This is why. ...do you really want this to be held against you for the next 25 years while you are married to your husband?

  
  

  IS she being manipulative? Yes, but in some regards, it's not a hill worth dying over in regards to LONG term relationship between you and you FMIL,

  
  

  Just my two cents

  I find the bolded to be complete manipulative crap in and of itself.
  
  The guest list was closed, and the FMIL was told no, they could not be invited.
  
  She hasn't come up with a penny of the money she promised, so the OP and her FI are paying for everything.  She's expecting the OP and her FI, who wanted an intimate wedding within their own budget, to include people they haven't seen or heard from in 20 years, to invite them and suck up the costs of entertaining them, because SHE's making it a "hill to die on" by threatening to boycott if she doesn't get her childish way.
  
  The FMIL, not the OP or the FI, should tell these people that she made a mistake and they cannot be invited-and the OP and FI should not be shamed into including them by asking them, "Is this a hill to die on?"  As far as I'm concerned, this is not just a "hill to die on" but a "mountain to die on"- and it's the FMIL who should do the dying, not the OP or her FI.
  
  And if they give in now, the next time FMIL has a stupid childish demand, she'll expect to get her own way again with tantrums, threatened boycotts, and people like you saying "Is that a hill to die on?" Putting a stop to it forever makes it a "hill to die on."
  
  

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• speedyblazer11 member

  

  February 2014

  Thank you everyone.
  
  @ indianaalum I realize that I didn't give a lot of back story for this post, and I am happy that you took time out of your day to try to help me.  I am not concerned over MY relationship with her, it sucks and will always suck.  I am concerned over FI relationship with his mom, b/c I didn't want him to feel like it was my fault that she may not come to the wedding. I now see that it is her decision not mine that is causing this drama. He knows that this is how she is, and we are a united front on this decision. 
  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  February 2014

  Also, if the girls were single when invites went out, OP is clear, etiquette-wise, for not including them.
  
  (Quite apart from the fact she's clear not to invite people a non host wants invited).
  
  And I agree with Jenn -- giving in because you don't want your manipulate psycho bitch of a MIL to 'hold it against you for the next 25 years' is stupid. Under that rationale, OP and her FI should give FMIL everything she wants so as not to have it held against them for the rest of their lives.
  
  No. Just no.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  February 2014

  Anyway you can bypass FMIL and contact FMIL's friend yourself (or better FI does it) and tell her that unfortunately the bfs can't be accommodated.  Because even if FI tells FMIL those guys aren't invited, I don't think she will actually tell her friend that the bfs can't come.

  

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• WildMagelet member

  

  February 2014 edited February 2014

  If it weren't for your FMIL's juvenile behavior I would say just to go ahead and accommodate them because they're adults with SO and it's a nice thing to do.

  
  

  Have your FI tell his mom that the boyfriends aren't invited and that she will be missed, then bean dip her.

  Formerly known as flutterbride2b

  
  

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• speedyblazer11 member

  

  February 2014

  OliveOilsMom is I could bypass the FMIL and go straight to the source but I have a feel that make things worse, because then she will say I had no business going behind her back.  I would ask FI to do it but he hasn't talked to these people in almost 20 years so he is in the same boat as I am.
  
   We just got their RSVP card back yesterday so I know by the end of the week I will have to do something. Its FI's birthday Friday and his mom is supposed to be coming here so we will see then we will decide.
  
  Thank you everyone for the help and encouragement.
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  February 2014

  speedyblazer11 said:

  OliveOilsMom is I could bypass the FMIL and go straight to the source but I have a feel that make things worse, because then she will say I had no business going behind her back.  I would ask FI to do it but he hasn't talked to these people in almost 20 years so he is in the same boat as I am.
  
   We just got their RSVP card back yesterday so I know by the end of the week I will have to do something. Its FI's birthday Friday and his mom is supposed to be coming here so we will see then we will decide.
  
  Thank you everyone for the help and encouragement.
  

  I think that if FMIL gets snippy about going behind her back all you need to say is that the guest RSVP'd directly to you, so you followed up with the guest yourself (or FI's self - since he should be doing this).

  Also, for future reference its considered impolite netiquette to change the title of your post (and also its contents, which I know you didn't do, but wanted to add that too.)
  

  

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• speedyblazer11 member

  

  February 2014

  OliveOilsMom thank you. I didn't know you weren't supposed to change the name of the post. I tried to figure out how some people get the little answered check mark near their post but I couldn't figure it out. 
  
  On a happier note, we have got the situation figured out. FI talked to Mother and she decided that she will talk to those people (i will be following up with them) and tell them that she jumped the gun. Hopefully that will fix this all until the next wedding crazyness.
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  February 2014

  speedyblazer11 said:

  OliveOilsMom thank you. I didn't know you weren't supposed to change the name of the post. I tried to figure out how some people get the little answered check mark near their post but I couldn't figure it out. 
  
  On a happier note, we have got the situation figured out. FI talked to Mother and she decided that she will talk to those people (i will be following up with them) and tell them that she jumped the gun. Hopefully that will fix this all until the next wedding crazyness.
  

  You have to pick "ask a question" when you create your new post; then TK reads it as a question and you can pick the best answer.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• speedyblazer11 member

  

  February 2014

  HisGirlFriday13 Thank you! That makes it seem so easy.  PSBTW I love the picture you have for your signature.  I think that moment is one of the best in the movie.
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  February 2014

  You're welcome! And thanks. I think so, too.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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