NWR: Pissed at Mom and don't know what to do

JCbride2015 · February 2014

As I've mentioned in other posts (but not recently) my mom is basically a hot mess. She has made a whole chain of terrible life decisions and bad financial moves. Currently she lives in her home state (5 hours away), trying to keep her small business afloat with only a few customers each month. She refuses to get a second job to pay her bills because "I'm done working for other people."

She is currently in a terrible relationship which I won't get into too much, but basically this guy has said and done some extremely hurtful things that are huge red flags for me. He's currently living with her rent-free, and his violent 9-year-old spends weekends with them. BF is in denial about the son's problems. Mom recently told me she thinks the son might eventually cause them to break up, which was seriously the only good thing I've heard her say about this relationship.

So my sister went to visit Mom this weekend. Sister has been texting me that she and Mom got in a huge fight (yes I'm aware this is Sis' point of view). Apparently Sis was acting grumpy, Mom asked what was wrong, Sis told her she feels Mom is making a mistake with this BF. Mom called Sis a bitch, threw a huge fit about how she "lived her life" for her kids and she's "done" doing that anymore, and told BF that Sis hates him. Sis left Mom's house and is now spending the weekend with a nearby friend.

I am boiling mad at my mom right now. She always puts whatever guy she is dating before me and Sis, ever since we were kids. How dare she put her shitty BF, who she admitted she's having problems with, over her own daughter. And then lay guilt on Sis about living for her kids. You are a mother, you're supposed to do that! And she only sees me or Sis a few times each year, you'd think she'd want to actually visit with her daughter instead of driving her out of the house.

I know I shouldn't really get in the middle of this, I just feel so angry that Sis told me all of this. Normally I'd be calling Mom to say hi at some point this weekend, but that might get really awkward. Do I call like normal and just act like I don't know anything? Do I call and say I heard Sis left the house? Do I just not call? I sort of want to call and give Mom a piece of my mind, but I know that's a terrible idea. Ugh.

kmmssg · February 2014

Don't call. You and your sister need to come to a hard realization here. This is your mom now. She isn't going to change unless something leads her to hit bottom. She hasn't done that yet. She may never.

The best piece of advice i ever received was to stop going to a dry well looking for water. Your mom is that dry well. There is no water and you and your sister need to stop looking for water.

If she is choosing this guy over you guys, give her some space. Our choices have consequences. She has a creepy boyfriend with a dangerous kid who isn't getting any help. Seems to me the consequences should be distance and little communication. She knows what you guys think about the situation and has made it clear that she is choosing creepy guy.

She has made her bed. Let her lie in it and you and your sister depend on each other for support. I'm sorry for the situation and can't imagine doing that as a mother, but for some reason she has. Distance yourself so she can't hurt you. I wish you the best in this.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this crap. I don't have any siblings so Idk that I an offer much insight. I would just say that maybe this is more your sisters battle and so I wouldn't give your a piece of your mind, because you only heard one side of the story. I would say call like you normally do, and say that you heard what happened but give your mom a chance to explain her side.Being that this has been going on for years, it wouldn't make much difference if you do give her a piece of your mind or not. Again, I'm really sorry you and your sis are in this situation. Have some vino, cool off a bit, and call her later on, or tomorrow.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

Or PP's advice is also good, not to call. Maybe some distance is what you guys need at this point.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

I wouldn't call right now. Give yourself some time to cool off. Maybe call her next weekend and see if you can get your mom's side.

hikebikebemerry · February 2014

Member of the Difficult Mom club here.

Don't mention it to your Mom. I know that it's hard to know that she is doing and saying hurtful things to your sister, and I know I would try to tell my Mom that what she was saying to my sister was hurtful; but also try to tell my sister my Mom's side (when there was one). Whenever I tried to help I feel that I only made things worse, and somehow things would get turned on me. It ended up hurting my relationship with my sister, because my Mom can be really manipulative.

I agree with PPs to just hold off on calling her.

manateehugger · February 2014

I'm 100% with kmmssg. Unfortunately, I think calling her and confronting her wont do a whole lot except make you upset or hurt.

doeydo · February 2014

Well, would it not hurt and upset you if your family was saying that they don't like your FI? I know you and your family have legitimate reasons to not like him and think that he is mooching off of her, but there isn't anything you can do because confronting her about him is only going to push her away.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Thanks everybody. I think I won't call her, at least not this weekend. Maybe this week.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I couldn't 'love' @kmmssg's post enough. She's spot-on.

Don't call, and when you do, act like it's all fine. If she mentions the BF just be like, 'OK, uhhuh, sure.'

If she beings up the fight with your sister, just say, 'OK, well, I'm not going to get in the middle of this, so let's change the subject.'

As long as she can use you as an emotional (and financial) crutch, she will.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I couldn't 'love' @kmmssg's post enough. She's spot-on. Don't call, and when you do, act like it's all fine. If she mentions the BF just be like, 'OK, uhhuh, sure.' If she beings up the fight with your sister, just say, 'OK, well, I'm not going to get in the middle of this, so let's change the subject.' As long as she can use you as an emotional (and financial) crutch, she will.

Yeah, I should have said this in my first reply: @kmmssg, you always have the best mom advice! Thank you. I'm really feeling like my mom is a dry well right now, that's the perfect analogy.

Right now she's not using me as a financial crutch, she's using her mom (my Nana), which makes my blood boil even more. My Nana is a retired public school teacher and is using her retirement money to pay Mom's rent... and by extension, also paying for creepy BF. It's all I can do not to throttle Mom based on that issue alone.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

So it's OK for your grandmother to still be a mother to her child, but not for your mother to be a mother to you and your sister...?

Yeah, I can see how that would infuriate you.

kmmssg · February 2014

JCBride2014 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I couldn't 'love' @kmmssg's post enough. She's spot-on. Don't call, and when you do, act like it's all fine. If she mentions the BF just be like, 'OK, uhhuh, sure.' If she beings up the fight with your sister, just say, 'OK, well, I'm not going to get in the middle of this, so let's change the subject.' As long as she can use you as an emotional (and financial) crutch, she will.

Yeah, I should have said this in my first reply: @kmmssg, you always have the best mom advice! Thank you. I'm really feeling like my mom is a dry well right now, that's the perfect analogy.

Right now she's not using me as a financial crutch, she's using her mom (my Nana), which makes my blood boil even more. My Nana is a retired public school teacher and is using her retirement money to pay Mom's rent... and by extension, also paying for creepy BF. It's all I can do not to throttle Mom based on that issue alone.

Well, you are welcome! Don't call her. Your Nana (that is what my g'kids call me too) is a grown woman. Might be codependent as Hell, but she earned that money and if she chooses to fritter it away there isn't much you can do.

You and your sister need to build your support system with each other and stop going to the well. Really!

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Oh great. She left me a voicemail crying and saying she really needs to talk to me. Guess I'm calling her earlier than planned.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

JCBride2014 said:
Oh great. She left me a voicemail crying and saying she really needs to talk to me. Guess I'm calling her earlier than planned.

Call her, but if she starts getting abusive or hysterical, tell her that you'll talk to her when she's rational and hang up.

GL!

kmmssg · February 2014

Remember, you don't HAVE to play into her BS.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

I'm so sorry to hear

I think it was @HisGirlFriday13 who once said, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" or something like that. I feel as though this applies here; steer clear of the drama, as PPs suggested.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

That was me, and yes! It's an old Polish proverb: Not my circus, not monkeys.

Your mother's drama with your sister isn't your circus and the two of them aren't your monkeys.

I hope the conversation went reasonably well. Update us when you can!

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Thanks for your advice, all! I called her and mostly listened. I told her I don't want to get in the middle. She kept harping on, "I was a good mother and now I deserve my own life!" Eesh. Anyway I think it could have been worse.

Just came from a really nice dinner with dad and SM at least, so that was fun.

CLI242009 · February 2014

kmmssg said:

Don't call. You and your sister need to come to a hard realization here. This is your mom now. She isn't going to change unless something leads her to hit bottom. She hasn't done that yet. She may never.

The best piece of advice i ever received was to stop going to a dry well looking for water. Your mom is that dry well. There is no water and you and your sister need to stop looking for water.

If she is choosing this guy over you guys, give her some space. Our choices have consequences. She has a creepy boyfriend with a dangerous kid who isn't getting any help. Seems to me the consequences should be distance and little communication. She knows what you guys think about the situation and has made it clear that she is choosing creepy guy.

She has made her bed. Let her lie in it and you and your sister depend on each other for support. I'm sorry for the situation and can't imagine doing that as a mother, but for some reason she has. Distance yourself so she can't hurt you. I wish you the best in this.

ALL OF THIS TIMES 1000! I know there will be people out there that will never understand it or even think it's cruel but your mom sounds like she is someone that is just poison in your life. It doesn't matter if it's physical, mental, emotional,verbal.....abuse is still abuse. This is me assuming, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you posted OP it sounds like she has done this guilt trip crap before.

JCBride2014 - My own mother guilt tripped me for putting my family through some very hard times (financial and emotional). When I decided not to stay home and help my family with their financial burdens, my own mother said "After we all went through and did for you when you were in and out of the hospital" (I was born with a bad heart and have had 15 open heart surgeries). Anyways, my advice for your sister and yourself is to stay far away. If she is blaming you for how "
lived her life" for her kids and she's "done" doing that anymore," it sounds like she is not happy with her life. It sounds like she hates how things have ended up for her and she is laying blame on her own children.

Stay away. You ladies do not need this kind of poison in your life. I found out in a very hard way that my family (especially mother) is someone I only want to talk to when I have to. That is just my advice from someone who gets it, even if it's only a little bit.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

@CLI242009 Thanks. I don't know if I would go as far as to say she is poison, but she is very immature and does like to lay on the guilt. I am trying to distance myself from her more recently, not call her as much, and not engage her when she complains or tells me about her latest "great" business idea that just turns out to be a bust.

It really breaks my heart that I don't feel close to her anymore. She was a great mom when we were little kids: she's an artist, so we were always doing fun art projects and making things with our hands, never parked in front of the TV. But ever since my parents got divorced, she has leaned on us (especially me as the older one, I was 12 when they divorced) more as friends than as her kids.

And she's laid a lot of guilt on us about her unsuccessful love life. She claims she "sacrificed" relationships (specifically the bf after my dad) for us, because she "always put you guys first and BF just couldn't handle that." No... he cheated on her and lied about it. I told her on the phone today that they broke up because of the cheating, not because she wanted to spend time with her kids. She then tried to tell me that he was driven to cheat because she wouldn't put him first, and wanted to have Sunday dinners with us. WHAT? Really?

I could tell Mom was really hurt about the fight with Sis. Which sucks. I did my best to listen and let her vent a little without actually taking sides in the argument.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

It sucks that you're going through this. It's unfair for your mother to blame you and your sister for how her life turned out. Whether or not she "lived her life for you", she needs to get over it and stop dwelling on it.

From previous threads, it's obvious that my mother is pretty BSC and holds childish grudges. I've found the best way to deal with it is to stop feeding the troll, basically. If she wants to hold a grudge and be pissy at me, I just don't come around so she can be pissy in front of me. Eventually, she cools down and life goes on like normal. I agree with @kmmssg that you and your sister should be part of each other's support systems and distance yourself from your mother to preserve your emotional health.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Thanks Cookie!

NWR: Pissed at Mom and don't know what to do

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