Wedding dilemma :-/

smilyaries · February 2014

I have 2 close friends who can not stand each other. One of them is my bridesmaid. I will call my bridesmaid A and my friend B. They almost had a fight last time they saw each other (A is passive, B is aggressive). I do not want any tension nor awkwardness during these happy moments. B told me that since she does not like A and knows that she will be at the bachelorette party, that I should have 2 parties. Idk if she was joking or being serious. They will see each other a couple of times...bridal shower and wedding, but I do not know where to seat B. We have been friends since high school and I can not even sit B with my high school friends. The only table is my college buddies (they know each other through me) but they all have significat others and B is single. Then B told me a few things which I didn't like such as who to invite and who not to invite, add +1 guest for single guests. I feel like I am in high school again :-(

What should I do???? If I do not invite her, she will be extremely upset and our friendship will end.

JoanE2012 · February 2014

smilyaries said:

I have 2 close friends who can not stand each other. One of them is my bridesmaid. I will call my bridesmaid A and my friend B. They almost had a fight last time they saw each other (A is passive, B is aggressive). I do not want any tension nor awkwardness during these happy moments. B told me that since she does not like A and knows that she will be at the bachelorette party, that I should have 2 parties. Idk if she was joking or being serious. They will see each other a couple of times...bridal shower and wedding, but I do not know where to seat B. We have been friends since high school and I can not even sit B with my high school friends. The only table is my college buddies (they know each other through me) but they all have significat others and B is single. Then B told me a few things which I didn't like such as who to invite and who not to invite, add +1 guest for single guests. I feel like I am in high school again :-( What should I do???? If I do not invite her, she will be extremely upset and our friendship will end.

B sounds like a controlling, manipulative and, as you said, aggressive person. Sounds like a toxic relationship. Is this really a friendship you want to keep? I would not allow someone like this in my life.

chibiyui · February 2014

Invite B. If B wants to act like a child and not come to your party and or wedding because of one friend thats on her, not you. Why can't you sit her with your High school friend?

If you can, maybe give her a plus 1, so shes not alone.

mrsbizzz · February 2014

Has she specifically said your friendship will end if you invite the other? If so, call her bluff, and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. My guess is she is lying to manipulate you into getting what SHE wants.

One person who has an issue with another should not dictate the kind of wedding day you have. If they both come and B gets into it with A, it looks bad on her, not you. It's your day, you invite who you want.

Jen4948 · February 2014

B seems to be a very manipulative person. But it's not up to her to decide who you can invite or not invite.

If you really want B there, I'd go ahead and invite her, but you might have to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her if she starts trying to dictate and control the terms of your wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

B sounds like a bitch. Don't invite her; problem solved.

ETA: Based on your post, B is a manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive person who brings unnecessary drama to your life. Why do you want her there at all?

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

I think you're over thinking it- unless B is SO aggressive she's going to like, throw the cake at A or something or get in screaming matches (In which case don't invite her, nobody needs someone that crazy around) B is not going to ruin any of your parties or your wedding. Invite her, put her wherever you feel she'll fit best, and if she wants to spend the night being all pissy about who else is there, then let her. If she wants to be too upset over stupid shit to have fun, that's on her, let her have a crappy night if she can't be an adult for a few hours. Don't change your plans because of her, and don't let this bug you too much.

The ONLY detail that would change my answer, though, is if B would make this less enjoyable for your other friends- Can A easily just ignore her (and she's more likely to do so at a wedding or party than just a casual gathering) or is B going to seek her out and pick fights? If B is going to be a sourpuss and ruin her own night, fine. But if she's so agressive she's actually going to make this less enjoyable for those around her, I'd say don't invite her, making one guest happy is not worth making the rest miserable, and you should rethink a friendship with someone who creates so much drama. There is one girl I have specifically banned from my guest list because she's VERY nasty to my MOH and would make my MOH miserable all night.

smilyaries · February 2014

Thank you all for your feedback. I have abt 7 months to decide and anything can happen. I will talk to B abt how I feel. All I know is that A and B can not sit at the same table. B told me that she will most likely not come to the ceremony bc of location but will come to the reception. Since my fiance and I are paying for everything, we can only afford 90 guests so I do not know for sure abt +1 guest until we have a final list.

smilyaries · February 2014

I have witnessed B yelling at our mutual friend for something little. They are no longer speaking to each other and B told me a couple of weeks ago, "Well, we are no longer in speaking terms, something you might consider when sending out your wedding invites."

Jen4948 · February 2014

smilyaries said:

I have witnessed B yelling at our mutual friend for something little. They are no longer speaking to each other and B told me a couple of weeks ago, "Well, we are no longer in speaking terms, something you might consider when sending out your wedding invites."

I'd respond, "Well, B, you might consider that she and I are still on speaking terms, but you and I might not be if you overstep bounds by trying to run my wedding, which could result in your not getting one of the invitations when I send them out."

tx91 · February 2014

B seems incredibly manipulative and I would talk to her about how you feel sooner then later. I have seen feuds turn otherwise nice people into complete jerks but B behavior is the one of the rudest things I've heard so far on these forums. If I was in your position I would simple tell her that A is invited and if she can't handle it that you won't be insulted if she decides not to attend and gently remind her this day is about you and your fiance. Not fighting.

manateehugger · February 2014

Oh my gosh, B is horrible. Don't invite her. Why would you want someone that immature, controlling, rude, and aggressive at your wedding? She wants to miss the most important part of your wedding anyway.

I don't think people like B respond well to being talked to, but good luck. I'd personally be thinking about letting this friendship fade into the past.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

It sounds to me as though you're holding onto a friendship because of old times but B sounds like a truly terrible person. NO ONE but you and FI (and parents if they're paying) gets a say in your guest list particularly if it's because they're too dang immature. She's already giving veiled threats regarding inviting this other friend even though that friend is IN the bridal party?

May I ask what makes the ceremony so much further away than the reception that she can't attend the ceremony?

kmmssg · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

smilyaries said:

I have witnessed B yelling at our mutual friend for something little. They are no longer speaking to each other and B told me a couple of weeks ago, "Well, we are no longer in speaking terms, something you might consider when sending out your wedding invites."

I'd respond, "Well, B, you might consider that she and I are still on speaking terms, but you and I might not be if you overstep bounds by trying to run my wedding, which could result in your not getting one of the invitations when I send them out."

Boom! Jen FTW. OP you need to start setting things straight with her with remarks like what Jen posted. You don't need to go for the jugular but you need to put a stop to this. I am in the camp of "why are you friends with her?"

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

smilyaries said:

I have witnessed B yelling at our mutual friend for something little. They are no longer speaking to each other and B told me a couple of weeks ago, "Well, we are no longer in speaking terms, something you might consider when sending out your wedding invites."

This is the exact scenario I was thinking of when I gave my one reason not to invite her. If she really can't act like a grown up and be civil over little things, then it sounds like she really is going to make your wedding less enjoyable for your other guests. Do you really want A and your other friends spending the whole day being bullied by B? The fact that she thinks YOU should adjust the guest list for YOUR wedding before she adjusts her own shitty attitude, shows that she is not willing to be civil or act like a grown up, and the consequences to that are that she doesn't get invited to the grown up parties.

I would say don't invite her and let the friendship die. No real friend tries to dictate who you can and can't be around based on their own stupid drama. She is manipulative and dramatic, and frankly sounds like a walking talking migraine. By cutting her from the list and out of your life, you'll be significantly less stressed.

chibiyui · February 2014

I have to ammend my advice to not inviting B. She seems incapable of acting like an adult.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

The more you post, the more I stand by 'don't invite the crazy person!'

If you can only invite 90 people, why waste one of those on someone who won't even come to the ceremony, which is the important part?

phira · February 2014

Don't invite B, and if she asks why, you can tell her, "Well, you told me I should consider the fact that you and everyone else aren't on speaking terms when I sent out invites."

Snark aside, B really does sound like she is not a good friend. Like @TexasBride2014 said, you probably have had a lot of good times with B over the years. Plus, it does feel shitty and petty to let go of friendships. However, if you had just met B, and you didn't already have a friendship with her, do you think you'd want to start one?

This is your wedding, and you get to decide the guest list. She's made it clear that she expects you to create your guest list and seating chart in ways that make her comfortable and ways that make her feel like the most important person in your life. Don't cater to her.

You still have time to decide if you want to invite B, so I recommend waiting things out and not discussing the wedding with her at all. Like, even if she's curious, even if you think the details you're giving her are benign. No wedding talk with B. By the time you have to send invitations, she may have worsened all the drama, or she may have made up with some of your mutual friends.

smilyaries · February 2014

Thank you all for your feedback. B and I have been friends since high school (over 10 yrs ago). I am the only friend from high school she has left. I am an easy going person and get along with anyone. B asked me if I am inviting certain people she mentioned (which I am not inviting bc we haven't seen each other in a while....B invited them to my birthday dinner 2 years ago) and telling me to consider certain ppl to invite. Only my fiance and I are paying for everything...we are not letting our parents help bc they are all retired.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

I would definatly save your money and save the drama by not including B. If you want to continue being her friend that is one you...but I would seriously reconsider this type of relationship. People change all of the time, just think back to yourself 10 years ago versus now. It can be hard to let things go, but you will always have the memories.

I would just stop engaging her and let the friendship die out. If she pushes the issue just tell her that you had to make tough decisions, and that you cannot accomodate her. If she throws a fit then you will know if she's a true friend or not. You can sit her down and be honest...maybe it will be her wake up call, and maybe not. But thats life. You deserve to be surrounded by the people who love you on your wedding day!

Wedding dilemma :-/

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