Flaky Maid Of Honor (Vent)

amanda1611t · August 2012

So my MOH has been my friend for 14 years. Over the years we have shared the best and worst of times and have always been by each others side

Lately, MOH has been super flaky and honestly she is so uncaring about my wedding its unbelievable.

First, MOH and my mom planned the Bridal Shower. My bridesmaids weren't asked for one penny towards the shower, as my godmother, aunt, and mom paid for everything. MOH got in a fight with my other bridesmaid and told her she "doesnt help with the planning".

MOH NEVER contacted my other bridesmaid. Said she tried to call but it never went through, I gave her the number 25 times and she still said it wasnt working. I told her to use facebook and when she did, all she did was complain at bridesmaid for not answering phone.

And we found out this wasnt bridesmaids fault because MOH had the wrong number THE WHOLE TIME. just didnt pay attention to any of the 25 times i gave her the number.

So now theyre fighting and bridesmaid wants to leave the wedding party. Of course.

What makes me really mad is MOH bought me 1 bath towel, 1 bath hand towel, and 1 bath wash cloth totalling her probably $30. My friends got me gifts more sentimental and that cost more.

its not about the money, its the fact that she laughed to our other friends that she only got me towels; like she doesnt care. She has given me items with more sentimental value for birthdays and this was my shower! I was just expect something with more thought than a set of towels.

to top it off she didnt listen to me and addressed all my envelopes incorrectly. change towns that she thought were wrong- ie she changed "lindenwold" to "linwood" thinking i made my list wrong. So i had to do a lot over. and even then she didnt properly address the rest.

My MOH is supposed to be my crutch! and i have been having to pick up after her with every project she does for me!.

artbyallie · August 2012

Well, you shouldn't be expecting her to do any projects for you in the first place. Thats your job, or your groom's. Your wedding, after all. Her only responsibility is to get the dress and wear it in the wedding.

kaos16 · August 2012

Breathe! A MOH doesn't have to do anything other than showing up on time for the wedding in the correct dress. If you are having these types of problems with her now, perhaps you should just do wedding stuff yourself with the help of those who volunteer to help you. Leave her out of it.

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaky-maid-of-honor-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ebc5dca-9db6-478a-8ba4-45c666e7703fPost:aa03f537-48de-4419-859b-59a7cb6864d3">Flaky Maid Of Honor (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]So my MOH has been my friend for 14 years. Over the years we have shared the best and worst of times and have always been by each others side Lately, MOH has been super flaky and honestly she is so uncaring about my wedding its unbelievable. First, MOH and my mom planned the Bridal Shower. My bridesmaids weren't asked for one penny towards the shower, as my godmother, aunt, and mom paid for everything. MOH got in a fight with my other bridesmaid and told her she "doesnt help with the planning". MOH NEVER contacted my other bridesmaid. Said she tried to call but it never went through, I gave her the number 25 times and she still said it wasnt working. I told her to use facebook and when she did, all she did was complain at bridesmaid for not answering phone. And we found out this wasnt bridesmaids fault because MOH had the wrong number THE WHOLE TIME. just didnt pay attention to any of the 25 times i gave her the number. So now theyre fighting and bridesmaid wants to leave the wedding party. Of course. What makes me really mad is MOH bought me 1 bath towel, 1 bath hand towel, and 1 bath wash cloth totalling her probably $30. My friends got me gifts more sentimental and that cost more. its not about the money, its the fact that she laughed to our other friends that she only got me towels; like she doesnt care. She has given me items with more sentimental value for birthdays and this was my shower! I was just expect something with more thought than a set of towels. to top it off she didnt listen to me and addressed all my envelopes incorrectly. change towns that she thought were wrong- ie she changed "lindenwold" to "linwood" thinking i made my list wrong. So i had to do a lot over. and even then she didnt properly address the rest. <strong>My MOH is supposed to be my crutch!</strong> and i have been having to pick up after her with every project she does for me!.
Posted by amanda1611t[/QUOTE]
No, your FI is supposed to be your crutch, because he's the other person getting married. Your MOH is supposed to be the dearest person to you that you want to recognize, not hired help. Some people don't like weddings, or have a hard time getting excited about something that's happening to someone else. Neither of these things is bad.<div>
</div><div>If you don't like what she's doing on projects, stop giving her projects. Why the hell was she addressing your envelopes? If you don't want to do it, hire someone.</div>

pearlaqua · August 2012

Your MOH's bragging about getting you an unsentimentl gift is tacky, but you caring about her gift is also tacky.

A gift is never required.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flaky-maid-of-honor-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ebc5dca-9db6-478a-8ba4-45c666e7703fPost:aa03f537-48de-4419-859b-59a7cb6864d3">Flaky Maid Of Honor (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]So my MOH has been my friend for 14 years. Over the years we have shared the best and worst of times and have always been by each others side Lately, MOH has been super flaky and honestly she is so uncaring about my wedding its unbelievable. First, MOH and my mom planned the Bridal Shower. My bridesmaids weren't asked for one penny towards the shower, as my godmother, aunt, and mom paid for everything. MOH got in a fight with my other bridesmaid and told her she "doesnt help with the planning". MOH NEVER contacted my other bridesmaid. Said she tried to call but it never went through, I gave her the number 25 times and she still said it wasnt working. I told her to use facebook and when she did, all she did was complain at bridesmaid for not answering phone. And we found out this wasnt bridesmaids fault because MOH had the wrong number THE WHOLE TIME. just didnt pay attention to any of the 25 times i gave her the number. So now theyre fighting and bridesmaid wants to leave the wedding party. Of course. <strong>What makes me really mad is MOH bought me 1 bath towel, 1 bath hand towel, and 1 bath wash cloth totalling her probably $30.</strong> My friends got me gifts more sentimental and that cost more. its not about the money, its the fact that she laughed to our other friends that she only got me towels; like she doesnt care. She has given me items with more sentimental value for birthdays and this was my shower! I was just expect something with more thought than a set of towels. to top it off she didnt listen to me and addressed all my envelopes incorrectly. change towns that she thought were wrong- ie she changed "lindenwold" to "linwood" thinking i made my list wrong. So i had to do a lot over. and even then she didnt properly address the rest. My MOH is supposed to be my crutch! and i have been having to pick up after her with every project she does for me!.
Posted by amanda1611t[/QUOTE]

What else is she spending on your wedding? You know, things like her dress.....

amanda1611t · August 2012

She's my crutch because she stepped up to that position and said she would help me with everything and listen to all my problems. And she started like that and then that was it. now she just fights with bridesmaids

FI could care less about the planning of our wedding. Just gives me money as I need it and left the rest for me to do.

and the only other $$ they spent on this wedding is $65 for dresses and shoes.

amanda1611t · August 2012

I dont care about what she actually gave me or how much it costs, its the thought that she didnt care about what to get me.

She could have given me a photo of us in a nice framse, that would have been sentimental,.

how can my best friend of 14 years get me something as unthoughtful as a towel set? That's my main problem

libby2483 · August 2012

I'm sorry that you are feeling like she doesn't care, but I think you may need to adjust your expectations a bit. I personally don't see anything wrong with the towel set. One of my BMs got me a pitcher, another got me a tupperware set, and a third got me a Macy's gift card. Are any of these gifts super personal? No. But they are gifts I was registered for and things that I use on a regular basis. I certainly wasn't offended that the gift wasn't a cutesy sentimental thing; I was appreciative that they spend the time and money to get me a gift.

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

Getting hung up on the gift is just selfish. Yes, it sucks when you get something less than stellar, but seriously, there's no way that you can possibly bring this up that isn't going to boil down to, "You didn't spend enough money on me or enough of your time thinking about me." You have no choice but to let it go or sound like a brat. Some of us didn't get showers at all, you should be grateful for what you did get instead of pouting about what was missing.

Has she always been flaky? Maybe she got gung-ho about the wedding when it was all theoretical, but doesn't have the time or money to devote to it that she thought she did. Or maybe something's come up in her life that's making it difficult for her to focus on you. Or maybe she's just simply not very good at the projects that she's doing, it happens.

I'd sit her down and ask her if she's okay and if there's anything going on in her life. If this is a change and unlike her, there's something else going on, and a good friend would find that out instead of focusing on how it's going to affect her own life.

ETA: I also think that saying, "Well, FI doesn't care" is a cop-out. It's his wedding too, he should care. Even if he's not particularly interested in the details, he should still be pitching in. The way you plan your wedding is a good forecast for the way you'll approach other complex or important decisions and work together as a team, and if the arrangement is "He writes the checks and I do everything else," well, in your shoes I'd be really worried.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Well it's not your MOH's fault that your FI doesn't care about wedding planning. If it was me, and I had a ton of projects to do or invitations to address, you can bet I'd be asking FI for help seeing as how it's his wedding too and all. I mean he doesn't have to go shoe shopping with you, but I think asking him to help out on some projects he could do is not asking too much. Your MOH should not have to fill his place.

If he refuses to help or is too busy or whatever, then hire a wedding coordinator. Your MOH should not have to pick up the slack and address your envelopes or anything else. And again, complaining about the gift is pretty bad. I didn't expect anyone to give us gifts but I especially didn't expect them from our WP because they were spending money already on attire and possibly travel. It may JUST be $65 for you, but to some people, they can't afford big gifts on top of that. What type of sentimental gift did you even want? I think towels are pretty practical and I can always use new towels.

BrittneyRN · August 2012

Who cares if she got you something sentimental? A bridal shower is to shower the bride with gifts, usually from her registry. My bridal party will most likely be buying from my registry because that's what it's there for. I don't buy for a bridal shower to give the most sentimental gift, I give practical gifts. I'm sure that's what your MOH was doing. Also, it's not her responsibility to help out with the wedding. You say your FI doesn't care about the wedding planning? Well, there's your problem. Instead of relying on your MOH, ask your FI to help since it's HIS wedding too. Maybe your MOH is tired of hearing about/doing things for your wedding. I'd stop asking her for favors if you don't like how she does it, and just finish the rest by yourself or with FI.

lmd812015 · August 2012

Deep cleansing breath.

Your MOH is not expected to be your crutch, to care about your wedding as much as you do or spend a disgusting amount of money on a gift for you. Monetary value and time to dedicate does not make your MOH (or any of your bridesmaids, for that matter) more or less valuable.

When I was a MOH last August, I offered my assistance. I had extra free time, and I checked in with my best friend to see if she needed/wanted my help. By no means did I feel obligated to do so (and I probably would've been less excited/willing had it been forced down my throat). If she offers to help - wonderful. If she doesn't - cut her some slack.

And finally tell your FI to man up. He doesn't care? He just gives you money? Now granted SO probably won't give a second thought to our wedding colors (because he's color blind anyway) and he has so many allergies that he won't really care about the cake flavor (because he won't be able to eat it anyways) and i'm sure he'll tell me i'll look pretty no matter how I want to do my hair - but he WILL still be involved in the planning. You're preparing to enter into a (hopefully) lifelong partnership. What happens when you have children one day (assuming you intend to)? Or want to buy a house? Will he be opinionless then as well and merely foot the bill?

Don't take his lack of input out on your MOH - remember, she's still your friend, since you surely picked her for a reason (one that hopefully didn't involve dollar signs and work ethic).

Peledreamsofrain · August 2012

At the very basic level, the role of MOH is to show up in a certain dress clean, sober, and on time. I also personally feel they should make it a point not to hinder the wedding (throw hysterics, make demands, etc). That's it. If you have a particularily amazing MOH, she'll OFFER to throw you a bridal shower, and coordinate the other BMS. I was blessed by an amazing MOH, and she did coordinate my bridal shower and offer to do more, but I have carefully avoided imposing on her beyond that.

I put together all my invites, and utilized my FI when I needed an extra hand. I contacted and coordinated my entire bridal party for all appointments, coordinations, etc beyond the shower (and I was involved in a good bit of that). Why? Because it's MY wedding, and my responsibility. Also, nobody owes me free labor, as I havn't spent time giving them free labor.

If your MOH is behaving in the patterns that you described, it's not because she's flaky, it's because she's keeping quiet, despite not wanting to do the things that you're asking of her.

JLTokarz · August 2012

I don't think anyone in this post has really listened to the bride. Now I may be too traditional, but your MOH should do more than just show up in a dress the day of otherwise she'd just be a bridesmaid and if you've read anything on this website you'd see that most people agree.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx

Now she shouldn't be holding your hand 24/7, but there are set obligations that she is meant ro meet. Yes it is your wedding and you've asked her to take part in your special day because she is a special person to you, if she wasn't up to that task then she should have come to you and said that it was more than she was able to handle. She is supposed to be ther to help take some of the stress off of you and reassure you that things will be fine, not causing more problems for you to deal with. I'm terribly sorry that you are going through this and I can sympathize. I hope somehow she will realize what she is doing and change her tune so you can enjoy you special day. Good luck :-)

raziel1687 · February 2014

I really can't stand the attitude most women have online about bridesmaids. First of all, most damn FIs don't give a crap about helping with planning the wedding. Most guys don't care about details like that. And not everyone has the money to hire someone to do everything for them.

Of course you can't force anyone to do anything, but if you aren't going to do anything for me, then get the hell out of my way.

To me, there's no point in having a bridesmaid if they are just going to show up at the wedding and that's it. I don't work on sentiments and principles. I work on what's logical, which is a rare thing for most women to think on.

It's not logical to have one that doesn't do anything, and it's not logical for sure to have a flaky one. Luckily, my Maid of Honor (who's my best friend), has been awesome so far. But another one of my bridesmaids, she's been flaky as hell, and she's really pissing me off. I feel like booting her out...

Jen4948 · February 2014

@KnotPorscha, zombie thread here.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

@raziel1687, what is wrong with you? If you want to have bridesmaids only for the purpose of work you better start shelling out money. I heard they are increasing the minimum wage to $10/hour so you better be prepared for that. Now stop resurrecting zombie threads because it's pointless. You are not providing decent advice and that is what ladies who come on this forum are looking for. Regards.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

@raziel1687 to add to the above you do realize that the point of BMs is to honor your nearest and dearest, NOT to have free labor.

Do your sentiments hold true for your FI as well? If your FI doesn't do anything are you just going to marry yourself instead?

banana468 · February 2014

raziel1687 said:
I really can't stand the attitude most women have online about bridesmaids. First of all, most damn FIs don't give a crap about helping with planning the wedding. Most guys don't care about details like that. And not everyone has the money to hire someone to do everything for them.
Of course you can't force anyone to do anything, but if you aren't going to do anything for me, then get the hell out of my way.
To me, there's no point in having a bridesmaid if they are just going to show up at the wedding and that's it. I don't work on sentiments and principles. I work on what's logical, which is a rare thing for most women to think on.
It's not logical to have one that doesn't do anything, and it's not logical for sure to have a flaky one. Luckily, my Maid of Honor (who's my best friend), has been awesome so far. But another one of my bridesmaids, she's been flaky as hell, and she's really pissing me off. I feel like booting her out...

What's with you responding to zombie threads?

Viczaesar · February 2014

raziel1687 said:

I really can't stand the attitude most women have online about bridesmaids. First of all, most damn FIs don't give a crap about helping with planning the wedding. Most guys don't care about details like that. And not everyone has the money to hire someone to do everything for them.
Of course you can't force anyone to do anything, but if you aren't going to do anything for me, then get the hell out of my way.
To me, there's no point in having a bridesmaid if they are just going to show up at the wedding and that's it. I don't work on sentiments and principles. I work on what's logical, which is a rare thing for most women to think on.
It's not logical to have one that doesn't do anything, and it's not logical for sure to have a flaky one. Luckily, my Maid of Honor (who's my best friend), has been awesome so far. But another one of my bridesmaids, she's been flaky as hell, and she's really pissing me off. I feel like booting her out...

You are full of shit, and your logic button is broken.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

banana468 said:

I really can't stand the attitude most women have online about bridesmaids. First of all, most damn FIs don't give a crap about helping with planning the wedding. Most guys don't care about details like that. And not everyone has the money to hire someone to do everything for them.
Of course you can't force anyone to do anything, but if you aren't going to do anything for me, then get the hell out of my way.
To me, there's no point in having a bridesmaid if they are just going to show up at the wedding and that's it. I don't work on sentiments and principles. I work on what's logical, which is a rare thing for most women to think on.
It's not logical to have one that doesn't do anything, and it's not logical for sure to have a flaky one. Luckily, my Maid of Honor (who's my best friend), has been awesome so far. But another one of my bridesmaids, she's been flaky as hell, and she's really pissing me off. I feel like booting her out...
What's with you responding to zombie threads?

It looks like she just searched "flaky bridesmaid" since those are the two words in common both the zombie threads I've seen had, and is just commenting on whatever pops up without looking at the date first. Not sure if she's trolling or actually believes the advice she's giving, though. If this is trolling, this is the worst attempt I've seen.

AddieCake · February 2014

@raziel1687

You say there's no point in having a bridesmaid if she isn't going to help you? There's also no point in having a friend who treats you like shit. Therefore, you SHOULD boot that bridesmaid out. She's better off w/o a friend like you, and you'd be doing her a huge favor.

artbyallie · February 2014

@raziel1687, way to stereotype. So, according to you, guys don't give a crap about weddings, there's no point in honoring your friends if they're not willing to be brideslaves, and women are naturally illogical creatures. Got it.

jneen101 · February 2014

raziel1687 said:

. And not everyone has the money to hire someone to do everything for them.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, because I don't really understand when people on these forums talk about needing so much help with so many things and that no one is helping. What is there to do that requires to much physical labor that you would need to enlist help? Most of my planning goes like this: I make a phone call, make an appointment, go to the appointment, and then write a check. What about that can you not do with your fiance, or if your fiance is an asshole that refuses to plan his own wedding, why can't you do that alone? Why does anyone else need to "do everything" for you? What is there to even do?!? I guess I don't even understand all these people who need all this help.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

jneen101 said:

raziel1687 said:

. And not everyone has the money to hire someone to do everything for them.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, because I don't really understand when people on these forums talk about needing so much help with so many things and that no one is helping. What is there to do that requires to much physical labor that you would need to enlist help? Most of my planning goes like this: I make a phone call, make an appointment, go to the appointment, and then write a check. What about that can you not do with your fiance, or if your fiance is an asshole that refuses to plan his own wedding, why can't you do that alone? Why does anyone else need to "do everything" for you? What is there to even do?!? I guess I don't even understand all these people who need all this help.

Same here. My MOH is asking me all the time what she can help with and I just keep telling her all she needs to do for me is show up in a dress- even if I wanted to give her other jobs to do I can't think of anything I really need help with. Although I do enjoy enlisting her to watch Say yes to the dress with me because she is hilarious and sasses the absolute crap of the people on it.

jneen101 · February 2014

Yeah I honestly don't even know what I could possibly give someone to "do" if they asked. "Here, sit next to me and look at pictures of bridal accessories on pinterest with me" or "Sit next to me as I buy this bracelet on etsy" or "Watch me enter these addresses into my excel spreadsheet"? I don't get it.

nebullama · February 2014

jneen101 said:

Yeah I honestly don't even know what I could possibly give someone to "do" if they asked. "Here, sit next to me and look at pictures of bridal accessories on pinterest with me" or "Sit next to me as I buy this bracelet on etsy" or "Watch me enter these addresses into my excel spreadsheet"? I don't get it.

Somehow with these brides I think it goes more like, "Create my excel spreadsheet for me while I look at pictures of accessories. Oh, and fetch me a glass of tepid water."

I often wonder with an attitude like that how one maintains friendships up to the point of asking them to be bridesmaids in the first place.

I will say though that if you google "Maid of Honor duties" you get page after page of sites listing all of those tasks that are so very wrong, such as helping with wedding planning, being constantly at the brides disposal, and the necessity of throwing parties. The only way I could find to get different results was to search "Miss Manners bridesmaid duties." I guess I can see where so many people get the absolute wrong idea about these things, but it still puzzles me why more of them don't read that bullshit and think, "Wow, that really doesn't sound like the way to treat a close friend."

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