Bridesmaid Cannot Afford Dress

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

I've asked my best friend and sorority sister to be one of my bridesmaids. I was a bridesmaid in her destination wedding just a few months ago, where I paid for my own dress, hair, shoes, bridal shower gift, wedding gift, hotel room, and travel expenses.

Now my wedding is coming up, and I had given the girls 3-4 months of dress options for them to weigh in with their opinions. Now that we've decided, we all went to Davids Bridal to purchase the dress at the same time but she was the only one to not purchase stating that she did not have the money. A couple weeks later, after reminding her that order time is tight on the dress and I'm worried that she won't have it in time, she says that she doesn't know when she will get the money to purchase the dress, or if she will ever have it.

What should I do? Most people might say to ask what she can afford and me pay the difference - but I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty ticked that I forked over $1000 for her wedding and she can't afford $200 for mine. There are no travel expenses, no hotel room fees, and I'm paying for bridesmaids hair. Opinions?

manateehugger · February 2014

I'll be blunt - this is on you for not asking their budgets beforehand. It was rude of you to assume they can afford to spend $200 for your wedding. That's not a cheap dress.

I understand being frustrated that you spent money to be in hers, but that was your decision. Weddings and friendships are not tit for tat.

If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. What's more important to you - that she purchase the dress she can't afford or that she be in the wedding?

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

Prices of the dresses were clearly attached to each dress during the decision process. No complaints were made about price when the options were given.

MairePoppy · February 2014

See, it's awkward to say, in front of everyone else, that you can't afford the dress that everyone likes. You should have asked each girl, privately, about her dress budget. But that ship has sailed.

I understand why you feel your friend is being unfair, but you must take her word that she can't afford the dress. You're only choices are to help her pay for the dress, allow her to wear whatever she can afford, or tell her you understand and hope she will attend as a guest. It's up to you to decide what is most important to you.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

I should have clarified: the dresses were sent in a group facebook message, and then girls responded privately with any comments - again, over a period of 3-4 months. So I think it so strange that she would wait so long to share any reservations about price until we were actually buying the dress. She had the option the day before we were scheduled to go to say she couldn't afford the dress. Now all my bridesmaids have their dress, and she backed out.

I just have the weirdest feelings about the situation, and wanted others opinions. I don't want to pay for the dress for her, but I suppose I will have to in the end because duh, her friendship is super important and I want her matching the other girls. Just digging my heels in as a bridezilla.

jneen101 · February 2014

It's still awkward for her to have to say "I can't afford any of these" after you posted the dresses. Did you ask her what her budget was before you went shopping/looking at Facebook pictures?

LondonLisa · February 2014

I'm sorry, but this is really on you. You should have asked each one individually what their budget was before you went shopping. I really think you should at least pay for part of her dress to make up for it.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

I should have clarified: the dresses were sent in a group facebook message, and then girls responded privately with any comments - again, over a period of 3-4 months. So I think it so strange that she would wait so long to share any reservations about price until we were actually buying the dress. She had the option the day before we were scheduled to go to say she couldn't afford the dress. Now all my bridesmaids have their dress, and she backed out.

I just have the weirdest feelings about the situation, and wanted others opinions. I don't want to pay for the dress for her, but I suppose I will have to in the end because duh, her friendship is super important and I want her matching the other girls. Just digging my heels in as a bridezilla.

It doesn't matter. It was still your responsibility to ask for budgets before beginning to dress shop, and you neglected to do that. You need to change the dress or buy her dress.

You could have stood up for yourself and refused to spend more than you were comfortable with in her wedding. You chose to spend the money. That doesn't mean she should have to spend more than she is comfortable with.

manateehugger · February 2014

scribe95 said:

If she can't buy the dress then she has removed herself from the wedding. Yes, you should have asked about budget privately up front. But playing devil's advocate she has also had months to save up for it. At most I would ask her what she could pay and offer to pay the rest. But I wouldn't feel obligated to do that.

That still doesn't mean she has $200 to spend on a dress that she will never wear again. I've been saving up for months for all sorts of things, that doesn't mean I could tack on a $200 dress to my savings plan with ease.

OliveOilsMom · February 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

I've asked my best friend and sorority sister to be one of my bridesmaids. I was a bridesmaid in her destination wedding just a few months ago, where I paid for my own dress, hair, shoes, bridal shower gift, wedding gift, hotel room, and travel expenses.

Now my wedding is coming up, and I had given the girls 3-4 months of dress options for them to weigh in with their opinions. Now that we've decided, we all went to Davids Bridal to purchase the dress at the same time but she was the only one to not purchase stating that she did not have the money. A couple weeks later, after reminding her that order time is tight on the dress and I'm worried that she won't have it in time, she says that she doesn't know when she will get the money to purchase the dress, or if she will ever have it.

What should I do? Most people might say to ask what she can afford and me pay the difference - but I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty ticked that I forked over $1000 for her wedding and she can't afford $200 for mine. There are no travel expenses, no hotel room fees, and I'm paying for bridesmaids hair. Opinions?

Sugargirl1019 said:

Prices of the dresses were clearly attached to each dress during the decision process. No complaints were made about price when the options were given.

Sugargirl1019 said:

I should have clarified: the dresses were sent in a group facebook message, and then girls responded privately with any comments - again, over a period of 3-4 months. So I think it so strange that she would wait so long to share any reservations about price until we were actually buying the dress. She had the option the day before we were scheduled to go to say she couldn't afford the dress. Now all my bridesmaids have their dress, and she backed out.

I just have the weirdest feelings about the situation, and wanted others opinions. I don't want to pay for the dress for her, but I suppose I will have to in the end because duh, her friendship is super important and I want her matching the other girls. Just digging my heels in as a bridezilla.

Quoting all of OP, because I can. . .

Also, PP are correct that you should have asked first. Finances are a very personal thing and many people are embarrased to say anything to even their closest friends about it. Perhaps your friend and her H spend way too much money on their wedding and are still trying to pay it off, for example.

climbingsingle · February 2014

You should have asked for her budget BEFORE even sending her options of dresses. And as a PP said, friendships are not tit for tat.

Is it important to have her stand up in your wedding? If the answer is yes, figure out a way to help her afford the dress. It's really that simple. If it was me, I wouldn't even think twice about paying for the dress for her.

jenna8984 · February 2014

Are they all wearing the EXACT same dress in the exact same color and style? Maybe there's a clearance dress in the same fabric/ color that she could afford and still match the others.

I agree with all the other posters, just trying to add one more option for you rather than paying for hers.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

You could have stood up for yourself and refused to spend more than you were comfortable with in her wedding. You chose to spend the money. That doesn't mean she should have to spend more than she is comfortable with.

If I told her that I was uncomfortable paying that much to be in her wedding, I would not have been. Can't afford your hotel room? Idk where you will stay then. Can't afford to travel to the destination? I don't know how you'll get there then. She would not pay for those expenses for us - and I don't blame her. I feel it was my duty to make it work, not complain to her and ruin her wedding bliss. So I did.

Anybody know if David's Bridal offers a payment plan for a dress that has an 18 week delivery time? It's a Vera Wang dress, the ruffle chiffon one with black sash. I think that dress could be worn to many events after the fact, too.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

You could have stood up for yourself and refused to spend more than you were comfortable with in her wedding. You chose to spend the money. That doesn't mean she should have to spend more than she is comfortable with.
If I told her that I was uncomfortable paying that much to be in her wedding, I would not have been. Can't afford your hotel room? Idk where you will stay then. Can't afford to travel to the destination? I don't know how you'll get there then. She would not pay for those expenses for us - and I don't blame her. I feel it was my duty to make it work, not complain to her and ruin her wedding bliss. So I did. Anybody know if David's Bridal offers a payment plan for a dress that has an 18 week delivery time? It's a Vera Wang dress, the ruffle chiffon one with black sash. I think that dress could be worn to many events after the fact, too.

You could have told her "Hey Kate, as much as I would love to be in your wedding my finances really can't handle it right now. I am so sorry. I will hopefully still try and attend but I will have to reevaluate my finances as the wedding gets closer." If your friend can't understand that then she isn't a good friend. And neither are you for picking out a dress without asking her, in private, before sending pictures of dresses, what her budget is.

As for a payment plan you would have to ask DB but I am doubting it.

And just because the dress can possibly be worn to other events does not make your friend magically have the money to purchase it.

tammym1001 · February 2014

David's Bridal does have a credit card that they offer. I don't know the details of it though. They asked me when I went in there if I wanted one and I do remember that they offered 6 months same as cash or something, but that might have just been on bridal gowns.

I don't really have any advice on your situation because if one of my BM's said she couldn't afford something for the wedding I would buy it for her.

delujm0 · February 2014

Beware of the DB credit card...there was a bride on here not too long ago complaining about the fine print. Apparently, unless you pay off the ENTIRE balance within the 6 month 0% interest period, you have to pay back interest for EVERYTHING...not just the remaining balance at that time. It sounds questionable.

Please don't use the "she can wear it again!" line. I've never met a BM dress that i would ever wear again. They all look like BM dresses. Unless you let your girls go out and buy whatever they each want, this isn't going to happen. However, there is a pretty good chance at resale on eBay for DB dresses after the wedding.

If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. Maybe she went into debt at her own wedding expecting to get monetary gifts that never came. She doesn't owe you an explanation. If you want her there, it looks like you're going to have to pay for her to be there. If not, just let it go. Maybe without the financial burden of buying a dress she'll still be able to attend. But if she's as close of a friend as you say she is, and you truly want her standing next to you, $200 is a small price to pay to make that happen, if you can afford it. And i'm thinking that you can afford it, because you are implying that it isn't really that much money in your post.

DWs are no joke...you shouldn't have agreed to be in one if you couldn't afford the trip. Or even if you just didn't want to pay for the trip, you should have bowed out. It was very sweet of you to be there for your friend, but when you have a DW you have to assume that a lot of people won't be able to afford to go, including your preferred bridal party. I was just in one. The bride and groom each asked 3 people to be in their wedding party...they wound up with 3 BMs and one GM because the other guys couldn't afford it to go. i think that's pretty standard.

artbyallie · February 2014

delujm0 said:

Beware of the DB credit card...there was a bride on here not too long ago complaining about the fine print. Apparently, unless you pay off the ENTIRE balance within the 6 month 0% interest period, you have to pay back interest for EVERYTHING...not just the remaining balance at that time. It sounds questionable.

That's standard boilerplate for every single limited-time no interest offer out there. If you don't pay them off, you owe interest retroactively for the whole amount once the offer period ends. It's potentially still a questionable practice, but really the blame falls on people who don't actually read and abide by the contract they sign when accepting the offer.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

You could have stood up for yourself and refused to spend more than you were comfortable with in her wedding. You chose to spend the money. That doesn't mean she should have to spend more than she is comfortable with.
If I told her that I was uncomfortable paying that much to be in her wedding, I would not have been. Can't afford your hotel room? Idk where you will stay then. Can't afford to travel to the destination? I don't know how you'll get there then. She would not pay for those expenses for us - and I don't blame her. I feel it was my duty to make it work, not complain to her and ruin her wedding bliss. So I did. Anybody know if David's Bridal offers a payment plan for a dress that has an 18 week delivery time? It's a Vera Wang dress, the ruffle chiffon one with black sash. I think that dress could be worn to many events after the fact, too.

Nope, sorry. It was not your duty to make it work, and it is not her duty to make it work now. You chose to spend money without saying a word. That does not make it acceptable for you to set her budget now.

It's completely absurd that you would tell her to set up a payment plan or open a credit card for the dress. You set the budget without consulting her. Now you pay. Lesson learned: you don't get to spend other people's money, and don't let them spend yours.

manateehugger · February 2014

I can't believe you would consider making a friend set up a payment plan for a bridesmaid dress she will never wear again. That's insane.

You seriously can't just talk to her and see how much she can put down and then cover the difference?

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

Thanks all. I called her to ask about her dress so that I could find out how much she could afford, but she immediately apologized for stressing me out, said their paycheck came through and now she feels comfortable paying for the dress. /phew! This is why she's my best friend, such a great girl. We are going today to order it, and we found a $20 coupon too. I apologized for not asking her budget from the beginning - she said that the prices were clearly marked and she did not think they were unreasonable, and thought she would be able to afford it. Turns out it was a paycheck/timing thing. So glad its worked itself out!

MairePoppy · February 2014

I'm glad it worked out.

doeydo · February 2014

PDKH said:

scribe95 said:

If she can't buy the dress then she has removed herself from the wedding. Yes, you should have asked about budget privately up front. But playing devil's advocate she has also had months to save up for it. At most I would ask her what she could pay and offer to pay the rest. But I wouldn't feel obligated to do that.

That still doesn't mean she has $200 to spend on a dress that she will never wear again. I've been saving up for months for all sorts of things, that doesn't mean I could tack on a $200 dress to my savings plan with ease.

Also, maybe every cent she is making is going towards her necessities (food, rent/mortgage, etc.) or medical bills or something.

LondonLisa · February 2014

I'm sorry about your bridesmaid, I disagree with most of the remarks on here I don't believe it is your fault. I think it seems like you covered all of your tracks. They had a heads up, they all saw the dresses privately with the prices and they all agreed on the dress. If she was truly that good of a friend she should've been up front and honest with you about not being able to afford the dress and yes when accepting the role as a bridesmaid you know the dresses could be costly and I don't think 200$ is super expensive, on top of which you are paying for the extras that the bridesmaids would like (hair, etc) I had a friend ask me a long time ago to stand up in a wedding unfortunately for me it was later in to their wedding planning and the bridesmaid dresses had been picked out and stuff..once I realized how much they were I was paying for school I had to respectfully decline, it happens. And as for my own wedding drama, one of my bridesmaids can't pay for her dress (shes 18 and has no care in the world) so I had to pay for that while another bridesmaid of mine backed out of my wedding because she got engaged months after she accepted my asking and had bought her dress so I kind of know what your going through and I think it's terrible everyones opinions are against you. I hope everything works for the best. Good luck

Stuck in a box! It doesn't matter if YOU think it isn't expensive. You have no idea what her finances are. I know incredibly wealthy people that would not spend £200 on a dress and people who make minimum wage that would spend £1000 on a dress. The polite and proper thing to do is discuss a budget beforehand privately with each woman. The lowest is your maximum budget. Otherwise, you are just asking for this situation to happen.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

I'm sorry about your bridesmaid, I disagree with most of the remarks on here I don't believe it is your fault. I think it seems like you covered all of your tracks. They had a heads up, they all saw the dresses privately with the prices and they all agreed on the dress. If she was truly that good of a friend she should've been up front and honest with you about not being able to afford the dress and yes when accepting the role as a bridesmaid you know the dresses could be costly and I don't think 200$ is super expensive, on top of which you are paying for the extras that the bridesmaids would like (hair, etc) I had a friend ask me a long time ago to stand up in a wedding unfortunately for me it was later in to their wedding planning and the bridesmaid dresses had been picked out and stuff..once I realized how much they were I was paying for school I had to respectfully decline, it happens. And as for my own wedding drama, one of my bridesmaids can't pay for her dress (shes 18 and has no care in the world) so I had to pay for that while another bridesmaid of mine backed out of my wedding because she got engaged months after she accepted my asking and had bought her dress so I kind of know what your going through and I think it's terrible everyones opinions are against you. I hope everything works for the best. Good luck

And don't forget about that pregnant BM that you now want to kick out because she didn't plan her pregnancy around your wedding and will no longer look cute once she hits the 8 month mark.

antoto · February 2014

Could you offer to go half with you on the price? Would you pay $100 to keep he in the wedding party?

She just had DW. She may be working off the debt from that and may be absolutely terrified to add to that debt. Be gentle. Try to be understanding.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

@Maggie0829

Whoa what? This has got to be related to some others post I haven't read? None of mine are pregnant (unless you know something I don't! Haha)

And thanks y'all for your thoughts, this situation has thankfully been resolved.

Sugargirl1019 · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

And don't forget about that pregnant BM that you now want to kick out because she didn't plan her pregnancy around your wedding and will no longer look cute once she hits the 8 month mark.

I read that post up there. At least I had dresses in mind for if best friend DID get pregnant following her wedding.. Which I would be SO FREAKING EXCITED for! And I'm kinda expecting! And she knows it's okay for her to have a baby whenever it happens. She's my best friend!

/pats self on head

Maggie0829 · February 2014

@Sugargirl1019 - definitely not in reference to your posts but rather I quoted what Dolly posted and referenced something from a different thread written by her. But it is very nice to hear that no matter the pregnant status of your BMs that you will be happy for them rather then concerned about how they look in a dress. That is the correct attitude to have

thesummersky · February 2014

Who was in the right or wrong doesn't really matter at this point, it is what it is. As for what you can do now, here are your options as I see them:

1) Ask her how much she can afford to put toward that dress and pay for the difference, because it's the one you want for your BMs to wear and you want for her to be there.

2) Pay for her dress, because it's the one you want for your BMs to wear and you want for her to be there.

3) Ask her if she can get a different dress with the same color and material that is in her price range, because that's along the lines of what you want for your BMs to wear and you want for her to be there.

4) Not care what she wears, because you want for her to be your BM and you want for her to be there.

flyingfoxes · February 2014

I asked my sisters to be my bridesmaids. I know one of them probably won't be able to scrape up the money to buy the dress, so I know if I want to her to wear it, I'm going to have to buy it. And that's fine - I asked her to be a part of it and match the others, so I will pay for her dress if need be.

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