Moms and Maids

MoB doesn't understand how important she is to the wedding, and it hurts.

My mom and I were talking about the accommodations for my wedding next summer- I'm getting married Labor Day weekend at a resort near where my mom lives. We're all going to be staying out there for two nights, arriving on Saturday, with the ceremony on Sunday, and checking out Monday after breakfast together. It wasn't until my mom mentioned that she and my notoriously late stepfather would have to make sure to leave early to ensure that they arrived to the ceremony on time that I realized that she had no intention of staying at the hotel the night before. I was stunned, because we've already planned the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (both to be held on-site) as well as the bonfire after. When I asked about her plans, she told me that they were planning on going home after the rehearsal dinner and arriving back at the venue with the rest of the guests just before the ceremony. 

I was absolutely flabbergasted. I explained how important she is to the wedding (she's the freaking Mother of the Bride!!), let alone how important it is to ME that my mom is present while I am getting ready for the biggest day of my life, and she was completely dismissive ("Why would I pay for two nights at a hotel when we live 30 minutes away?"). I tried to explain and said something to the effect of how the wedding isn't just the ceremony and reception (I feel like every element from the rehearsal dinner to putting on the gown contributes to the significance of The Event, you know?), and that it hadn't even occurred to me that I would be getting ready without my mom present. She flipped out, saying it is ridiculous to expect her not to get ready at home and telling me how selfish I am to expect our wedding party to pay for two nights at the hotel for my wedding. She kept focusing on the cost of staying two nights instead of what I was actually asking: that my mom be fully present for the most important day of her eldest child's life.

I've always known that my mom considers traditional weddings extravagant wastes, which is absolutely her right. She's not paying for any of the wedding; I never expected her to. If she doesn't want to stay at the hotel the night before, I will of course respect that. But I'm just stunned that didn't think I'd want her there during the morning of, and even more stunned that even after I flat out told her I wanted her there, she is still so dismissive.

I've always loved wedding and really value the traditions that go along with them, and throughout the planning process, I've had to remind myself that my mom just isn't going to be excited about things like flower arrangements or finding my gown. We have very different values, and I know that. It doesn't necessarily make it sting less when I show her the gown that made me cry and she doesn't react with more than a 'that's nice', but I've always know that and I can deal with it. This revelation, though, TOTALLY threw me. I never expected that she wouldn't be present for all of the wedding-related events, including getting ready that morning, and I can't figure out if I have any right to feel this way. 

I think I'm even more hurt that even after I explained why it was important to me that she be there, she was still totally dismissive. Am I in the wrong here? How do I help my mom understand how important she is to my wedding, and how much it will hurt me if she's not there for all of my wedding, including the moment when I put on my gown and become a bride?

Re: MoB doesn't understand how important she is to the wedding, and it hurts.

  • Maybe I phrased it poorly: I don't care if she (or anyone else, wedding party or otherwise) stays at the hotel the night before- if it was super important to me I'd pay for her room myself. I was just flabbergasted that she didn't think I'd want her there while I was getting ready- she's always made family events such a priority (graduations, birthdays, etc) that it hadn't even occurred to me that she wouldn't think her presence was important to me. 

    I certainly don't and wouldn't expect everyone to devote the entire weekend to the wedding (as you said, it's on Sunday and Sunday alone). But this is my mom, you know? While we have different values, we usually have a pretty close relationship. 

    Thank you for your advice, though- I just had no idea if it was out-of-line to want her there while I was getting ready because it never occurred to me otherwise! :P


  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    shannym87 said:
    My mom and I were talking about the accommodations for my wedding next summer- I'm getting married Labor Day weekend at a resort near where my mom lives. We're all going to be staying out there for two nights, arriving on Saturday, with the ceremony on Sunday, and checking out Monday after breakfast together. It wasn't until my mom mentioned that she and my notoriously late stepfather would have to make sure to leave early to ensure that they arrived to the ceremony on time that I realized that she had no intention of staying at the hotel the night before. I was stunned, because we've already planned the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (both to be held on-site) as well as the bonfire after. When I asked about her plans, she told me that they were planning on going home after the rehearsal dinner and arriving back at the venue with the rest of the guests just before the ceremony. 

    I was absolutely flabbergasted. I explained how important she is to the wedding (she's the freaking Mother of the Bride!!), let alone how important it is to ME that my mom is present while I am getting ready for the biggest day of my life, and she was completely dismissive ("Why would I pay for two nights at a hotel when we live 30 minutes away?"). I tried to explain and said something to the effect of how the wedding isn't just the ceremony and reception (I feel like every element from the rehearsal dinner to putting on the gown contributes to the significance of The Event, you know?), and that it hadn't even occurred to me that I would be getting ready without my mom present. She flipped out, saying it is ridiculous to expect her not to get ready at home and telling me how selfish I am to expect our wedding party to pay for two nights at the hotel for my wedding. She kept focusing on the cost of staying two nights instead of what I was actually asking: that my mom be fully present for the most important day of her eldest child's life.

    I've always known that my mom considers traditional weddings extravagant wastes, which is absolutely her right. She's not paying for any of the wedding; I never expected her to. If she doesn't want to stay at the hotel the night before, I will of course respect that. But I'm just stunned that didn't think I'd want her there during the morning of, and even more stunned that even after I flat out told her I wanted her there, she is still so dismissive.

    I've always loved wedding and really value the traditions that go along with them, and throughout the planning process, I've had to remind myself that my mom just isn't going to be excited about things like flower arrangements or finding my gown. We have very different values, and I know that. It doesn't necessarily make it sting less when I show her the gown that made me cry and she doesn't react with more than a 'that's nice', but I've always know that and I can deal with it. This revelation, though, TOTALLY threw me. I never expected that she wouldn't be present for all of the wedding-related events, including getting ready that morning, and I can't figure out if I have any right to feel this way. 

    I think I'm even more hurt that even after I explained why it was important to me that she be there, she was still totally dismissive. Am I in the wrong here? How do I help my mom understand how important she is to my wedding, and how much it will hurt me if she's not there for all of my wedding, including the moment when I put on my gown and become a bride?

    shannym87 said:
    Maybe I phrased it poorly: I don't care if she (or anyone else, wedding party or otherwise) stays at the hotel the night before- if it was super important to me I'd pay for her room myself. I was just flabbergasted that she didn't think I'd want her there while I was getting ready- she's always made family events such a priority (graduations, birthdays, etc) that it hadn't even occurred to me that she wouldn't think her presence was important to me. 

    I certainly don't and wouldn't expect everyone to devote the entire weekend to the wedding (as you said, it's on Sunday and Sunday alone). But this is my mom, you know? While we have different values, we usually have a pretty close relationship. 

    Thank you for your advice, though- I just had no idea if it was out-of-line to want her there while I was getting ready because it never occurred to me otherwise! :P



    I'm sorry that your mom doesn't want to be apart of your wedding how you are wanting her to be.  Some people just aren't wedding people, and that seems to include your mom.  Is there anyone else who could be there with you?  A beloved aunt, grandmother, stepmom, cousin, etc?

    Also, have you thought about paying for your mom's accomodations on Saturday night?  That may change her mind about staying over and also help you get ready.  She may need to fully realize how important it is to you that she help you get ready.  If she doesn't and insists on going home after the RD, tell her she is needed 30 minutes before pictures begin.  If she is chronically late, like my dad, this is the trick I used to get him to my graduations and other school events on time.

    shannym87PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry that your mother is not more enthusiastic about your wedding.  That said, for some people, watching others "get ready" for a wedding, even if it's their own child, is just not their cup of tea.

    You mention above that your mother just isn't into weddings and considers them a waste.  Sadly, she's not going to change this attitude for you, and I think expecting her to do so, even for her own child, just isn't going to happen.

    As @OliveOilsMom suggests, is there anyone else who can do this for you rather than your mother?  If it's not the same as having your mother there, at least you would have someone who cares enough about you to be there for you.
    PrettyGirlLostchiualovershannym87
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    My mom wasn't there when I put on my dress. We are extremely close. She was at home and had things to do and get ready as a host of the wedding. We were doing a first look so she would have had to be at the venue 5 hours early to watch me put on my dress. She hung out with me in the Bride's room before the ceremony. :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I am in a similar situation. I think you need to tell your mom what you want. Also realizing that you have two different perspectives on wedding is a good thing to understand when you are bringing up these conversations. I think having this conversation again in a different manner might be different. Also maybe you compromise and only have your mother there for certain things and not all. 

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2013
    I was a MOB at my daughter's wedding.  I think you are out of line.
    Your mother will be there to see you get married, and to celebrate afterwards.  That is all she has to do, unless she is hosting.  Then she must greet the guests, too.
    You sound like you have a bad case of wedding fever.  This will NOT be the most important day of your life.  Believe me, that day is when YOU become a mother.
    What a lucky lady you are!  You have family that cares enough to come to your wedding, and to be with you on that day.  There are brides here that do not have that.  Lucky girl! 
    Is Mom divorced?  She might find your wedding a painful reminder of her own mistake.
    Come down to earth and count your blessings.  You have it better than many brides - myself included.  Stop watching SYTTD!  It is completely unrealistic.  Relax and enjoy your beautiful wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]chiualovergrumbledoreGrabows14
  • Like OP I too have been looking forward to the special mom and daughter moments while I get ready. Those dreams slowly shattered when my mother and I became distant. Now with my wedding less than 2 months away I have come to terms with the fact I am not going to have my mother daughter moments. It sucks and it makes me sad but I will be surrounded by my BMs and MoH who love me and will support me when I need it. My FI's mother has even said that if I need the emotional support of a mother, something that my mom might not be able to provide for me the day of, she has offered to be there for me.

    I understand the feeling of wanting your mother there but you might just have to come to terms with the fact she just won't be there.
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    shannym87
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2013
    Everyone has the potential to be a mother.  You don't need to give birth for that.  Adopted babies are every bit as important, and the day that you receive your child - whether through birth or through adoption - will be the most important day of your life.
    Sorry, but I have seen too many young brides who stress over their wedding day, and sadly, sometimes those hopes and dreams do not come true.  Parenthood is really forever.
    My own wedding day was pure hell.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  If that was the most important day in my life, I would have had a sad life.  I married a wonderful man, and we have had a wonderful life together, but as for the wedding day being the most important day in our lives - no way!
    I know a lot of older ladies, and not one of them thinks of her wedding day as the most important day of her life.  It's not all about rainbows and unicorns.  I really believe that many brides have very unrealistic expectations for their wedding day, and the OP is a prime example of this.
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    [Deleted User]grumbledore
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2013
    @CMGragain, I very much doubt that my mom considers the day she became a mother as "the most important in her life" beacuse she placed the child she gave birth to that day for adoption immediately after its birth and kept it a secret for over 30 years.

    Sorry, but it's not up to you to decide for anyone else, mother or not, what the most important day in their lives is. For many women, it is NOT "the day they become a mother." They may never become mothers, or they may consider some other day "the most important in their lives that has nothing to do with being a mother. This is a crap generalization,

    The only person you get to decide the most important day in her life for is YOU. Not anyone else. You definitely don't get to decide it for me. That crosses boundaries.
    KeptInStitchesmimiphin[Deleted User]
  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    CMGragain said:
    Everyone has the potential to be a mother.  You don't need to give birth for that.  Adopted babies are every bit as important, and the day that you receive your child - whether through birth or through adoption - will be the most important day of your life.
    Sorry, but I have seen too many young brides who stress over their wedding day, and sadly, sometimes those hopes and dreams do not come true.  Parenthood is really forever.
    My own wedding day was pure hell.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  If that was the most important day in my life, I would have had a sad life.  I married a wonderful man, and we have had a wonderful life together, but as for the wedding day being the most important day in our lives - no way!
    I know a lot of older ladies, and not one of them thinks of her wedding day as the most important day of her life.  It's not all about rainbows and unicorns.  I really believe that many brides have very unrealistic expectations for their wedding day, and the OP is a prime example of this.
    Um yeah, sometimes parenthood doesn't come true either. Did you know that it is really difficult to adopt a child sometimes? I have a dear friend who has fostered over 10 children, each time thinking that she will finally become a "mommy", and each time the child is returned to their biological parent. Or how about my friend who is unable to adopt because her husband is a federal agent and is required to keep a great number of firearms in his residence and on his person?

    My brother is adopted, from the county we lived in, and it took 8 years from application until a baby was placed in our home. So please, get off your damn soapbox until you actually know what you are talking about. 

    Edited: Just because your wedding day was "pure hell" (which it wasn't if you got married at the end of it), that doesn't give you the right or authority to go around telling brides that their wedding day may not be the most important day of their life.
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    mimiphin
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I didn't see my mom until we were doing family formals. My maids helped me get into my dress. It was truly nbd.

    Rebl90[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieL73 said:
    Have any of you tried caramel apple cake with caramel apple icing? It was a pretty big day for me when I discovered that last month.
    On a scale of 1 to the best cake you've ever had, how was it?
    One word: Recipe!
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2013
    Not the best EVER, but still made me wonder what I had been doing with my life without it in it! And Jen, it was just a Pillsbury box mix!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    grumbledore
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieL73 said:
    Not the best EVER, but still made me wonder what I had been doing with my life without it in it! And Jen, it was just a Pillsbury box mix!
    If a Pillsbury box mix is that good, I'll have to look for it the next time I go grocery shopping. ;)
  • Rebl90 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Everyone has the potential to be a mother.  You don't need to give birth for that.  Adopted babies are every bit as important, and the day that you receive your child - whether through birth or through adoption - will be the most important day of your life.
    Sorry, but I have seen too many young brides who stress over their wedding day, and sadly, sometimes those hopes and dreams do not come true.  Parenthood is really forever.
    My own wedding day was pure hell.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  If that was the most important day in my life, I would have had a sad life.  I married a wonderful man, and we have had a wonderful life together, but as for the wedding day being the most important day in our lives - no way!
    I know a lot of older ladies, and not one of them thinks of her wedding day as the most important day of her life.  It's not all about rainbows and unicorns.  I really believe that many brides have very unrealistic expectations for their wedding day, and the OP is a prime example of this.
    Um yeah, sometimes parenthood doesn't come true either. Did you know that it is really difficult to adopt a child sometimes? I have a dear friend who has fostered over 10 children, each time thinking that she will finally become a "mommy", and each time the child is returned to their biological parent. Or how about my friend who is unable to adopt because her husband is a federal agent and is required to keep a great number of firearms in his residence and on his person?

    My brother is adopted, from the county we lived in, and it took 8 years from application until a baby was placed in our home. So please, get off your damn soapbox until you actually know what you are talking about. 

    Edited: Just because your wedding day was "pure hell" (which it wasn't if you got married at the end of it), that doesn't give you the right or authority to go around telling brides that their wedding day may not be the most important day of their life.
    I agree here.  Don't mean to stir the pot again but I have a cousin who was diagnosed with cancer and although she is in remission, her chances of being able to adopt are devastatingly small because of her medical history. 
  • shannym87shannym87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited January 2014
    Lesson learned- ask a question on the internet, and the thread will take on a life of its own. :) 

    In all sincerity, thank you for your opinions- I really to appreciate the input. I'd come here because I knew what I was feeling, but wasn't entirely sure if I had any right to be feeling that way. I have since talked to my mom, and I think we've found a happy medium. It might not work for everyone, but it works for us. 

    We've had to push the wedding back anyway, as DF is being sent on a TDY starting the month we were supposed to get married- a great reminder that the little things don't matter in the big picture. :)

    Thank you all!!

  • CMGragain said:
    Everyone has the potential to be a mother.  You don't need to give birth for that.  Adopted babies are every bit as important, and the day that you receive your child - whether through birth or through adoption - will be the most important day of your life.
    Sorry, but I have seen too many young brides who stress over their wedding day, and sadly, sometimes those hopes and dreams do not come true.  Parenthood is really forever.
    My own wedding day was pure hell.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  If that was the most important day in my life, I would have had a sad life.  I married a wonderful man, and we have had a wonderful life together, but as for the wedding day being the most important day in our lives - no way!
    I know a lot of older ladies, and not one of them thinks of her wedding day as the most important day of her life.  It's not all about rainbows and unicorns.  I really believe that many brides have very unrealistic expectations for their wedding day, and the OP is a prime example of this.

    I'm not even touching the 'most important day' debate. Whatever floats your boat. 

    That sucks that you hated your own wedding, but my mother (who is divorced, thanks) still remembers her wedding fondly, even though her marriage to my dad tanked. So maybe remember that all generalizations have exceptions. 

    Also, while there are certainly things that I've hoped for when planning our wedding, the only expectation I have is that by the end of it, my DF is my DH and I'm his wife. Everything else is just the carmel icing on the carmel apple cake. Seriously, I have to find that box mix. Thank you for the tip, Addie!
    grumbledoreChemFanatic25
  • As a woman planning her first wedding but already has her first child, personally I feel that the day my daughter was born was the best day of MY life, but I sincerely feel that my wedding day will be the SECOND BEST day of my life because it is the day I get to finally marry my daughter's father, share the last name they already share, show my whole family and friends that just because we had a child first doesn't mean we don't want to be together FOREVER.  That said, some peoples "best day of their life" could be the day they graduated college or landed their dream job.  Not up to any of us to tell them which day to choose or judge their decisions.  I know women with children who still consider their wedding day the best day of their lives because it's the day they started the family that led to their children.  The day that tied them all together.

    @shannym87 I totally feel your frustration with your mom not seeming as interested as you want her to be.  I am getting married in September and went BM dress shopping yesterday.  The day was HORRIBLE.  My mother told everyone there that she didn't like my dress, the girls wearing diff styles based on what they liked and felt comfy in, didn't like me picking 2 dress colors (for the 4 girls to wear alternating,) didn't like chiffon for fall, didn't like that 2 girls would end up with added spaghetti straps...blah blah blah.  I am dreading asking her to help me put my dress on and whatnot.
    I hope things get better/got better with your mom!  And I understand your frustration and DON"T THINK YOU ARE OUT OF LINE AT ALL.  Of course you want your mom there.  Especially if she's been there for other big events!

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