FI, I love you, but you're making me smack my forehead....short vent/how I handled a problem

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

I've posted before about my mom pushing for some OOT guests to be invited to the RD, and how I handled it. FI and I were adamant that it was to be immediate family and bridal party only at the RD. The restaurant's private room our RD is at fits a max of 30 people. Total invited and attending that meet the RD criteria- 23, including us.

FI wakes me up at 1 am when he comes to bed, can't sleep and starts talking/asking questions. He then tells me he thinks we should invite his friend who's driving up from S.Fla to the RD. I say no, he keeps pushing, saying how we have room. I remind him of our agreement- he's still saying how this friend is driving up from S. Fla. I finally sat up and said "Damnit, FI, it is 1 am, I need to sleep due to work tomorrow, we already agreed to limit the RD- if we invite him, etiquette says we invite all OOT guests. Our room will not hold that many people, (since we picked it after we agreed on the limitations), and I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS."

This morning, when I brought it up, I reminded him how annoyed he was my mom wanted us to invite some OOT friends on my parent's side, and how this is the same principle. I told him for us not to be jerks, we needed to either stick to our plan, or invite all. We couldn't exclude one or the other- the way my brother did with his RD. He again tried to bring up that we had additional seats in the room max- I said that just because we had empty seats we didnt have to fill them. I told him if he wants to push this, we'll talk this evening after work, but he will get the joy of calculating what we can afford, finding a location, etc, less than 5 weeks out, AND resend RD invites. To EVERYONE. When I reminded him of the work that would have to go into redoing that, on top of the other things I'm handling, he seemed to start reconsidering.

I love him dearly, but he doesn't always think his ideas through. But it's good that we're talking about these things, good communication work for married life.

NYCMercedes · February 2014

I see nothing wrong with his request. It's his party, too. The friend is probably traveling solo. Don't worry about explaining it to your mom. There need be no evenness between sides.

grumbledore · February 2014

Eh I'd probably just call him an usher if any pain in the ass relatives asked and call it a day, but I could be wrong.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

We had already agreed only bridal party and immediate family. We shut down my mom's repeated attempts. Now, a week later, FI is saying "oh, we should invite my friend since he's coming from S. Fla." It feels like he forgot about/wanted to ignore/bend our agreement. To me, that's not fair to all of our other out of town guests, the majority of whom are extended family.

@Scribe, I didn't yell at him, (though my voice finally did rise a bit) when we discussed this at 1 in the morning. AFTER he woke me up. He is well aware that I hate being woken in the middle of the night unless its an emergency, and that I tend to be grumpy/snippy when it happens. He admitted this morning he thought in my half awake state I'd acquiesce. We made the RD arrangements back in November, after we agreed on a smaller, more intimate RD. There was no mention of the friend coming to the RD until last night/early this morning. We are also putting together a morning after breakfast at the hotel's event room for everyone, in town and OOT, to come if they wish.

mbross3 · February 2014

I agree with you OP, mainly because I read your other post on this issue and it sounds like you both were adamant with your mom about not inviting anyone else to the RD. I think, given the past circumstances that it would be inappropriate to invite FI's friend and not the other OOT guests. It sounds like that would definitely start conflict with your side of the family that you don't want. That being said, if he really wants his friend there, I think it's totally ok for him to find a new place that can fit everyone and take care of new invites. It is his wedding too, as PP have said, but I do agree that the circumstances would make just inviting his one friend (after everything else) difficult to manage.

I think there is some wiggle room etiquette-wise about just inviting his OOT guest and not your side's OOT guests, but again, given the history there I think it could definitely start conflict. You did the right thing by pointing this out (although maybe not yelling- but it's a stressful time and 1 am-ouch!!). Let him make the decision about whether this friend is worth re-planning the RD.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

OP, can you invite in circles? Kind of like when people invite children in circles? If your mom asks you can explain that there will be tons of family members in town and they can easily hang out with one another the night before the wedding or the night of the rehearsal dinner. Said friend doesn't know anyone but you and FI and you didn't want him alone on that night in some random town far away from home.

I think this is where you should make an exception because this is your FI's wedding just as much yours especially if he is helping pay for it. I haven't been completely following everything so I am saying this based on the knowledge you two are paying so please feel free to correct me.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

Chem, I should clarify- this friend is a former coworker of FI's. He was transferred to the S. Fla. office, but he knows many people up here and it would not surprise me if he was staying with one of them rather than getting a hotel room.

Fact of the matter is, we had an agreement, we made a decision together, and then he wakes me up at 1 am talking about a whole bunch of stuff and adds in there his idea about inviting this friend to the RD. Inviting in circles would not work- at that point, we'd still go over our room limit.

FI and I will discuss this more this evening if necessary.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

I can honestly understand why you feel the way you do. Given the problem your mom has given you about OOT guests at the rehearsal dinner I can completely understand why you made that decision. (For the record, if someone woke me up at 1am like that I would be cranky too!) If your FI really wants this friend there then he can go through the trouble of rescheduling everything and including the OOT guests. Given the past history, it may cause a conflict though, so I can understand where the all or nothing feeling comes from. Besides I think have the morning after breakfast for everyone was a good compromise.

As a PP had suggested maybe you can "add" this friend to the WP if you really really want him at the RD. But is completely up to you guys to decide.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

Oh, he knows people in town? Then never mind. I thought he was totally from out of town and was a stranger to everyone but you guys. He can chill out and catch up with some of his former coworkers.

WildMagelet · February 2014

Yeah, I probably would have been cranky too.

I agree that it should be all or nothing, especially after just going through the same thing with your mom.

Inkdancer · February 2014

I am totally with you on this one. I understand that many of my friends and relatives will have to come into town the night before, but I have invited them to one event and agreed to host them for that one event. That is all.

offthemarket915 · February 2014

I think you're handling this correctly. While I'm a big proponent of grooms having a fair say, that does not give them the right to break etiquette and cause mayhem on an issue like this. Especially when it's been a problem already and was discussed and settled. It should be all OOT or none. God forbid his friend gets dinner elsewhere... gimme a break. And I've seen many times where the RD is limited and then everyone meets up for drinks afterwards at their own expense. And don't feel bad. Anyone who wakes me in the middle of the night would get their head ripped off lol Especially if it's some sneaky attempt to gain my agreement on an issue that he knows won't work. That was a pretty shady move.

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

This *kinda* reminds me of the situation with PineapplePam and her baby not being invited to a wedding that her DH is in. She made a decision about no kids for her wedding, and now she wants an exception made for her. In your case, you and FI made a decision about no OOT guests at the RD, and now he wants an exception to be made for his friend. While I definitely get that it's only one more person, there is room, etc., it's the principle of the matter. Given the history of this very issue with your mom, I would have to stand firm on this one and say he's not invited.

Is there any chance that your FI and his friend can arrange to meet up after the RD for drinks?

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

There shouldn't be a problem with them meeting up for drinks. The dinner is at 5 pm, should be done by 7.

Heck, we've even talked about contacting the friends that are coming and saying "hey, want to meet up casually at such and such place on this date/time" before the wedding to spend a little time with them.

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

Chipmunk415 said:

There shouldn't be a problem with them meeting up for drinks. The dinner is at 5 pm, should be done by 7.

Heck, we've even talked about contacting the friends that are coming and saying "hey, want to meet up casually at such and such place on this date/time" before the wedding to spend a little time with them.

I think that's a great compromise. The RD is a *wedding* event, so if your FI can make time outside of wedding stuff to spend with his friend, then his friend gets all his attention and doesn't feel like an outsider among wedding party attendants and immediate family, KWIM?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

I am totally with you on this one. I understand that many of my friends and relatives will have to come into town the night before, but I have invited them to one event and agreed to host them for that one event. That is all.

This. I don't understand why people think they need to have two wedding receptions- one the night before the wedding, and one the day of the wedding. Because when you start inviting all OOT guests to a RD, you are essentially having a 2nd reception because you have to pay to feed all of those people.

I get that this is FI's wedding too, but he agreed to the no OOT rule when OP's mom was pushing to get her way, so he cannot back track on it now just to accommodate his pal. If he insists on having this friend at the RD, then make him an usher, tell him to show up to the rehearsal too, but your mother will still probably be pissy about it.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

The fact that he woke you up hoping in your half-asleep state you'd acquiesce is infuriating.

And yes, it's his wedding, too, but when you've already agreed to something AND he wants to do something you've told your mother 'no' to, it's not fair for him to change the rules now.

I remember (vaguely) the details about your mother wanting to invite people to the RD and you having to shut that down and her being shirty about it.

I am totally with you -- if he wants to re-plan (and figure out how to pay for) a new RD, let him, but he can't make an exception after you've set the rules for the RD.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The fact that he woke you up hoping in your half-asleep state you'd acquiesce is infuriating.

Yeah, when he admitted it this morning, he got a death glare and a speech on the rudeness, inappropriateness, and deceptiveness of something like that. He did apologize, and has been warned that a repeat of that would be a very dangerous road to start on. He has before accidentally woken me slightly, resulting in my talking nonsense to him, but this is the first and last time he asked about changing a wedding plan while I was somewhat out of it. Unfortunately for him, I woke up all the way and said absolutely not.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

Chipmunk415 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The fact that he woke you up hoping in your half-asleep state you'd acquiesce is infuriating.
Yeah, when he admitted it this morning, he got a death glare and a speech on the rudeness, inappropriateness, and deceptiveness of something like that. He did apologize, and has been warned that a repeat of that would be a very dangerous road to start on. He has before accidentally woken me slightly, resulting in my talking nonsense to him, but this is the first and last time he asked about changing a wedding plan while I was somewhat out of it. Unfortunately for him, I woke up all the way and said absolutely not.

Just wanted to say that I love the bolded

My FI is normally the cranky one when he gets sleepy but when he wakes me up at 2 AM because he's playing a video game and is being very loud, I can be a huge bear and not the cuddly kind. Funny thing is I normally don't remember walking out to the living room and reaming him out.

Jen4948 · February 2014

I agree with you.

You already had a big problem with this with your mother and he was on your side, then he has the fucking nerve to wake you up at 1am to argue the opposite case for his side?

He's being a jerk to you.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

Update: FI and I talked about it again.

He said he feels bad that friend is coming so far just for a daytime wedding, and our low key wedding doesn't have tons of stuff going on. (the two most recent weddings either of us went to were my brother's in Chicago where there was tons of non wedding stuff to do, and my college friend's wedding, where they had the reception in a museum that you could view the exhibits, and we had the option of going back to my parents' condo to relax between ceremony and reception- ours is a late morning ceremony, plated lunch reception, conversation level swing/piano bar jazz music, no dancing, some speeches, and a lot of yummy food).

I pointed out to him that we had extended family coming just as far if not farther, who were not invited to the RD due to what we decided. I also reminded him friend is a grown ass man who can be trusted to find his own entertainment, and may be using the wedding weekend as an opportunity to reconnect with some old coworkers.

FI tried to claim he'd reserved 2 spots at the RD for whomever he wanted- I told him that I didn't recall the exact wording, but if I'd agreed to it, it would have been under the impression that those two seats would have gone to family members- his side also has a tendency to not realize if certain information is to be kept private, and I can just imagine the flak I'd get if it came out that a non immediate family/non bridal party person was at the RD after we'd set our limits.

FI agreed to have things as is, and I've suggested he see when the friend intends to get to town and offer to grab a beer together- perhaps thursday evening when I'm getting last minute crap done with my mom?

offthemarket915 · February 2014

Sorry this continues to be an issue. And sorry to say, but it seems like FI just wants his friend there and is just making shit up at this point to try to get his way. Last I checked, that doesn't work for kids or wayward grooms lol

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I'm also sorry your FI seems to feel like he can just change the rules on you this close. I get that this is his friend and he wants to see his friend, but yeah, you can't die on the 'family only' hill with your mother only to have him turn around and invite a friend to the RD.

Can I ask -- do you think he's already invited the friend and is now trying to get around having to un-invite him?

offthemarket915 · February 2014

I'm wondering the same thing... I'd bet he already told him to come and now doesn't want to back peddle. Time for someone to put on his big boy pants

Jen4948 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm also sorry your FI seems to feel like he can just change the rules on you this close. I get that this is his friend and he wants to see his friend, but yeah, you can't die on the 'family only' hill with your mother only to have him turn around and invite a friend to the RD.

Can I ask -- do you think he's already invited the friend and is now trying to get around having to un-invite him?

I'd be willing to bet this is the case too. Because yeah, your FI has no business enforcing the rules on your mother but not being willing to accept the same rules for himself.

He needs to grow up and accept that no means no-and that it applies to his friend too.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm also sorry your FI seems to feel like he can just change the rules on you this close. I get that this is his friend and he wants to see his friend, but yeah, you can't die on the 'family only' hill with your mother only to have him turn around and invite a friend to the RD.

Can I ask -- do you think he's already invited the friend and is now trying to get around having to un-invite him?

He did not. I flat out asked him if he had, and told him it would be up to him to explain this to his friend. He has told me he did not yet ask (doesn't even know WHEN the friend is getting into town), had wanted to talk to me about it first. Whew

This is the same FI who after we agreed to it and I put in an order for cupcakes for favors (I just have to confirm the final count with the bakery) was saying we should have something "extra" ie "insert crappy wedding memento you'll never use here". I pulled up 2 dozen threads on the knot showing what a bad idea that was.

I hate to say it (and I know it sounds snarky) but sometimes FI takes after his dad in this regard: coming up with a half thought out, half assed idea without thinking about all the pros, cons, reprecussions, and stress to me, and presenting it as if its wonderful. This is one of those times. I'm glad he and I discussed all aspects of it, and he's realizing he was headed into douchecanoe territory.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

If it makes you feel any better, about five weeks before our wedding (well after we'd sent out invites AND after we had started getting RSVPs), DH had the brilliant idea that, "We should do meal options!"

Uhm...yeah, that would require sending NEW RSVP cards to everyone so they could mark out their choices and that was NOT a headache I wanted to deal with.

He was like, "OH, I hadn't thought of it that way..."

blesshisheart

FI, I love you, but you're making me smack my forehead....short vent/how I handled a problem

Re: FI, I love you, but you're making me smack my forehead....short vent/how I handled a problem

Choose Another Board

Search Boards