Possible best friend back out d/t money concerns

Re: Possible best friend back out d/t money concerns

• ChemFanatic25 member

  

  February 2014

  If you can swing it I don't see why not. I have a friend who lives about a day's drive away and if there was a choice between her missing my wedding because of money and me paying for her, I would but that's because I love her like a sister and am really close to her. 

  
  

  Make sure that your friend is okay with this though. Sometimes people may see it as charity and take it as an insult even though it isn't meant to come off that way. Just talk to her and ask about it.

  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  February 2014

  Agreed with PP. It's hard to be a student and have to budget, and I'm sure she hated telling you she might not be able to make it. Talk it out with her and let her know that it's not pity, but you really want her to be there. Let her make the call.
  

  

  

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• cowgirl8238 member

  

  February 2014

  I would also agree with the others here.  Sit down and have a nice chat about it, and tell her how much you want her there.  Then it is up to her to decide what to do.  I know personally I would hate to have someone spend a bunch of money on me like that, but in your situation I would do it.

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  February 2014

  I agree, sit her down and talk about it. If nothing else, she'll appreciate what you're trying to do, even if she isn't comfortable taking you up on the offer.
  

   

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• lc07 member

  

  February 2014

  I think it's kind that you would like to pay her way to be at your wedding. Please just be understanding if she still declines. She may not be able to afford not to work in addition to the cost of the airfare/lodging/food. 

  
  

  Personally, I am not okay with friends paying my way when I am short on money. It makes me very uncomfortable. I prefer not to attend dinners and events when I cannot afford them over having someone pay for me.

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• JellyBean52513 member

  

  February 2014

  I agree with everything PPs have said. If you're looking for an example of the verbiage to use, you can try something along the lines of: "I really want you at my wedding, and I understand that may not be possible for you to make happen right now. I'm willing to (cover your flight/take care of your travel costs/chip in $___ ) in order for you to be there, as your presence is very important to me. Think about it, and let me know by X date if that will work for you."
  
  This way, you are just straight-up letting her know you're doing this because her presence is important, not because you feel bad for her. Also tell her exactly what you're willing to cover so if she wants to take you up on it, she can plan around that offer. Finally, give her time to think about so she doesn't feel pressured to make a decision on the spot, and frame it in a "if it works for you" way vs. "if this is ok with you" (asking someone if something is ok with them is usually because that something may be slightly offensive, which PPs have already mentioned this type of offer could be). Good luck OP, I hope your friend is able to make it!

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• Cheetah2B member

  

  February 2014

  I like JellyBean's response. That said, is her birthday in the near future? Or anything like that? Personally, I'd pop a plane ticket in a birthday card, and send it off(well, online confirmation, JIC it gets lost).

  
  

  That, or if you're super super close, send it in a "Miss You" card, and include a letter telling her that it means that much to you, that she's there. But in case there's something else going on, that she's not willing to admit right now, I'd make it a refundable fare.

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• antoto member

  

  February 2014

  I was preparing to do the same thing for one of my friends.  If you are that close I don't think it would be awkward - just really emphasize how important it is that she is there with you on the day you marry.

  
  

  Very sweet of you - and I think expenses like this are worth it - who you are surrounded by is very important on that day!

  
  

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• ChemFanatic25 member

  

  February 2014 edited February 2014

  Cheetah2B said:

  I like JellyBean's response. That said, is her birthday in the near future? Or anything like that? Personally, I'd pop a plane ticket in a birthday card, and send it off(well, online confirmation, JIC it gets lost).

  
  

  That, or if you're super super close, send it in a "Miss You" card, and include a letter telling her that it means that much to you, that she's there. But in case there's something else going on, that she's not willing to admit right now, I'd make it a refundable fare.

  I like this idea for the birthday gift but I wouldn't recommend it. You've heard about how people give inappropriate gifts and normally it's a gift that cost A LOT of money. It's the thought that counts but it still might scare the receiver. I would really just sit down and have a chat with her. 

  
  

  I don't know if this is against etiquette but if she doesn't look like she is comfortable "taking" money from you, maybe you could offer up the solution of "If it really bothers you to accept this, what if you paid me back at a later date when you are more comfortable in your financial situation?" Like I said, I don't know if this is against etiquette or not so if someone could back it up or shoot it down that would be helpful too.

  
  

  And like everyone said make sure to clarify that this isn't a gift out of pity but because you really want her to be there so you can share this special moment with her.

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  February 2014

  My bff originally said yes, but then realized financially it wouldn't work for her (we hadn't even gotten to the point to discuss dress budgets or anything). I had a serious talk with my now hubby about the situation because I was very upset about it for a few weeks (she wasn't truthful with me originally why she was backing out). We figured it out & I sent her an email that I really wanted her to be a part of my special day and we would like to offer to cover the expense of her dress for her. We talked things out and she was a BM which meant the world to me. All you can do if figure out if you can swing it, extend the offer, and see if she excepts.

  If she does make it to your wedding, will she have a place to stay or will that be another expense for her?

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• FiancB member

  

  February 2014

  Thanks guys. I did talk to her, just simply said thanks for letting me know and if it came down to it i'd help her out. I think as long as we're moving it we will also move it to a saturday rather than sunday, which also helps her out. I think she can manage a hotel for a night or two ok (if not we'll find her a home somewhere), just the monster expense of a plane ticket was too much. 

  
  

  It's a tough pill to swallow but I figure we were going to spend that much on each of our tickets getting out there, so 6 one way and half dozen the other.

  
  

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