Stress with FI.. vent

themuffinman16 · February 2014

My sister is a saint. She offered to plan a bridal shower for me when she will be 7 months pregnant and has 6 herniated discs in her back. I am not big on bridal showers. I threw my sister's baby shower, and, since I got engaged, she has been so excited to plan my bridal shower. I told her it is not expected, and knowing how hard her first pregnancy was, I really did not want her getting stressed out, or pay for some frivolous party. She insists on having a bridal shower and I have let her, as long as I be as accommodating as possible to help her out. I thought we should schedule the bridal shower well before the wedding, so she will not be too put out. I only have 20 guests including FIs four sisters. I don't want any decorations, to keep costs down, and I wanted brunch foods for same reason. (and the food can be made ahead of time.)

FI wants me to invite his large family to my sister's shower (60 extra people). My FI and I are behind in our wedding planning, so I wasn't even thinking about the shower. We were supposed to have the shower in March, but that is way to soon. My sister would have to have the shower no later than the first week of April, to be as kind to her condition as I can. So that gives me no time to get 60 extra addresses (hard to get a hold of his family), 60 extra invitations sent, and wait for 60 people to rsvp and book a hall (as no home is big enough). I told FI that we should let her have a shower she can handle hosting. She is the one throwing me an amazing party, and we should be appreciative, not tack on 60 more guests.

I don't think it is rude to have two separate parties, if his family is even having a party for me. I don't expect that they will. I would be very appreciative, but I would be fine not having one. He wants his sister's to co-host (they haven't even mentioned a shower), to offset the costs for my sister. But now I feel that the one person who has offered to throw this shower, will probably get bumped from the whole thing. I do not think his sisters will take over, but they will want to have the shower being mindful of their schedules. If they co-host, they will want to do it in June when they have more time (school conflicts, etc). My sister will be in the hospital, then, for a cesarean, and her back is too bad by the end of the 7th month or 8th month, to be hosting a party for me.

I am super stressed because it is easier to plan a party for 20 than 80 (won't need a venue). Without having to worry about venue availabilities, she can just set the party for the first week of April. I have told FI that it is not his party, it is a party honoring me, hosted by my sister. I should be appreciative of whatever party she wants and is able to throw for me. Even I should not get a say in the bridal shower. It is my only duty to be grateful for everything she has done for me. I should be making this party as easy as I can for her, not harder. Sorry just needed to vent. My sister does so much for me, and I can't fathom doing anything to make her life more difficult. FI does not want me separating our families. It was our choice to have a ginormous 150 guest wedding. We should not be putting the burden of a large party on anyone else, unless it is the host's desire to have such a party.

6fsn · February 2014

As a compromise how about inviting just his mom and sisters? That would include those that matter most.

mrsconn23 · February 2014

It's not rude to have separate parties. I only had one wedding shower, but I had two baby showers thrown by each side of the family due to timing/location issues.

What kind of relationship do you have with your FI's sisters/FMIL? Is there anyway you can sit them down and say, "My sister wants to do this for me and I don't want her to be pushed out of it. However, here is what we're working with (give limited detail of the health/mobility and timing issues). I really, really appreciate you wanting to get involved. Is there a compromise here?"

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

OP said she was inviting FI's sisters in the original 20 count. FI wants 60 more on top of that, but it isn't clear if all 60 are the adult women in his family or his whole family with extended relatives.

6fsn · February 2014

Chipmunk415 said:

OP said she was inviting FI's sisters in the original 20 count. FI wants 60 more on top of that, but it isn't clear if all 60 are the adult women in his family or his whole family with extended relatives.

I missed that part.

IMHO 60 people is FAR too many people for any shower. Your wedding is only 150. Who are these other 60 people? Does he know that showers aren't for every woman invited to the wedding?

Wzz · February 2014

i agree with the others. 20 people is a fine amount for your sister to host, and FI sister can host a second party.

although, if his sister is willing to co-host, why not just have her take over the planning to alleviate the burden on YOUR sister and then still just have one party?

kmmssg · February 2014

FI needs to understand that he is rudely sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. He has NO say in any party your sister hosts. She has said she will host a 20 guest shower and it includes his mom and sisters. He needs to understand that it isn't for him to say who is invited and to ask ANYONE to host 60 people in his family is rude.

Wzz · February 2014

"FI needs to understand that he is rudely sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. He has NO say in any party your sister hosts. She has said she will host a 20 guest shower and it includes his mom and sisters. He needs to understand that it isn't for him to say who is invited and to ask ANYONE to host 60 people in his family is rude."

why is it OK for the OP to give a guest list but her FI can't? i don't understand that part - the shower is for the bride, sure, but the gifts they receive are for the couple. if the FI can't dictate a guest list then the OP shouldn't really dictate the guest list and the sister should come up with her own guest list. JMHO

he shouldn't eb dictating who hosts and co hosts, but that's true for anyone, bride or groom.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Your FI needs to realise he can't ask people to do things or just assign jobs to them -- i.e., he can't ask for 60 people to be added on or just "make" his sisters co-host.

Wzz said:

"FI needs to understand that he is rudely sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. He has NO say in any party your sister hosts. She has said she will host a 20 guest shower and it includes his mom and sisters. He needs to understand that it isn't for him to say who is invited and to ask ANYONE to host 60 people in his family is rude."

why is it OK for the OP to give a guest list but her FI can't? i don't understand that part - the shower is for the bride, sure, but the gifts they receive are for the couple. if the FI can't dictate a guest list then the OP shouldn't really dictate the guest list and the sister should come up with her own guest list. JMHO

he shouldn't eb dictating who hosts and co hosts, but that's true for anyone, bride or groom.

It sounds like OP was willing to include his sisters and mother in the headcount for the original, 20-person, party.

We don't know that the sister DIDN'T come up with her own guest list, or just said to OP, 'Here's who I'm planning to invite from our side, who do you want invited from FI's side?'

Since showers are gift-giving events, usually the hosts only invite the people they know, so it doesn't look gift-grabby.

My take on OP's problem is that her FI wants ALL 60 of the women in his family invited. That's too many for a shower under any circumstances. And it doesn't sound like he asked, just announced. You don't get to tell someone who's offered to host a party, "Here are the 60 additional people I want." You get to build a list within the strictures that they give you.

OP, can you and he compromise? If you invite his mom and four sisters and favourite aunt or whatever, would that work?

Otherwise, I see nothing wrong with your sister, THE HOST, saying, "I am throwing a shower for the women in our family to celebrate muffin" and leaving it at that. If his family wants to thrown one, by all means let them.

SJohnson82 · February 2014

I agree with many of the responses already - your FI can't just tack on a mass of additional people "because." It's rude, not to mention, for this particular situation, inconsiderate, of your sister's condition. I also had two showers, one hosted by my family, one by his, and the mother's, grandmother's, and siblings were invited to both, regardless. That is well within the realm of 'appropriate' without being obnoxious :-)

themuffinman16 · February 2014

To be clear, the extra 60 people would be from his side alone, from the women in his family (aunts, cousins, great aunts, and second cousins) as his sisters would all ready be invited to the smaller party)

Wzz · February 2014

i'm not saying he has a right to demand 60 people. but i don't see why he doesn't have any say over the guest list. i was specifically responding to kmmssg who said "He has NO say in any party your sister hosts." because, IMO, the OP doesn't have any say either.

if he knows his sister wouldn't mind hosting, then perhaps his own sister wouldn't mind throwing this 60-80 person party.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

Also, my sister's husband lost his job and now works two jobs. I think it is bad form to go forward with a larger party when it will just put an undue burden on my sister and her family. My step-mother has offered to help out with the party, financially. (Because otherwise, I would say absolutely not to a shower.)

I just think 60 extra guests is a strain I should not ask anyone to shoulder that burden. If they want to take that burden on themselves, it should be their call. If my sister were in a better place, financially and physically, she would have chosen to have one enormous shower with all 60 extra guests plus my original guest. His sisters don't always respond when you call, text, or email. It is getting down to the wire, and I would rather have my sister plan a party that she can handle, rather than tackle the unknown. If we went with the extra guests, and his sisters got busy (very common), these 60 extra people would fall on my sister alone.

I love my other sisters. I have trouble in my family, and they have given me a lot of support. That being said, getting them together is like herding cats. I know if they co-host (and there has been no mention of it), when they don't respond with the guest list, financial breakdown, venue, it will be too much, and everything will fall on my sister. That is why I wanted them to throw their own party, if they wanted to do that. Because then, if they get busy, don't respond to calls, etc,it will only affect the other party. And if the second party does not materialize, it would not be putting extra stress on my sister. I just want to have a small party before my sister is no longer able to throw one at all.

6fsn · February 2014

I think everyone agrees with you on this.

I still want to know where you are getting 80 women for a shower when the wedding count is 150.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

His father has 9 sisters, almost all of them are divorced. He has about 12 great aunts, and they had many children a piece. I went to my FSIL bridal shower and it was huge! I know to never invite women to the shower that aren't invited to wedding. His family is almost all women, and since many of them are divorced or are widowed, our guest list isn't much higher. If every woman were still married or husbands were alive, our guest list would be in the 250 range. My side includes 20 people (total guest list for the wedding is 33). The rest is FI's side. None of his aunts have SOs, either.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

His sisters and mom? yes. His paternal and maternal aunts? maybe, I could see that happening. But all the extra cousins, great aunts, etc? Nope. The only exception I'd make- a great aunt who is more like a grandma to him/a cousin who's more like a sister/a very close personal relationship with the extended family member.

Muffin, I don't think you're out of line to remind your FI your sister is going to be VERY PREGNANT and she should not be given additional stress from 60 more freakin people. Plus, you haven't really stated, but is something that size even affordable for everyone to have a nice time/get enough food and drink/ socialize?

Another idea to handle it- tell him you can't wait to meet all that extended female family, so you'd like him to arrange an opportunity for you to meet his extended side, focused totally on them, perhaps an afternoon tea? Let him plan that shindig.

themuffinman16 · February 2014

Ok, just talked to FSIL and asked if she had two bridal showers. She said she had two, because our men's family is so big, she didn't want to burden her family with the cost of hosting such a shower. I didn't say anything else, because I did not want her to feel they had to throw me a shower. I just wanted to know if it was acceptable to have a small shower for my side of the family. I am laughing that she gave me the same reason as I have felt. I am so relieved. I will tell my sister to just plan a small shower for me

Sometimes men just don't know what they are talking about! I went to one of FSIL's showers and everyone had a great time, and they weren't upset that she had another one.

Stress with FI.. vent

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