Shower Thank You Etiquette

andosfiance · February 2014

Hi there,

Just need a bit of advice on bridal shower thank you etiquette. My shower invities have gone out for my March 9th shower. Yesterday, I received a gift from a guest who cannot attend the shower (elderly family member who cannot drive). I will be sending every "gifter" a handwritten thank you note, however I am not sure when to send this one out. Should I wait until after my shower to send the thank you or should I send it now since I have already received the gift?

Thanks!

Inkdancer · February 2014

Go ahead and send it. It will let her know that you received the gift, so she won't have to worry about whether you got it or not.

antoto · February 2014

Send it out now so they know you received it

They will appreciate it and then after the shower you will have one less to do!

Weesh · February 2014

Send it now as you've already received the gift. It shows the sender your appreciation for the sentiment and also lets her know that you actually received it. It's also one less note you have to write after the shower---a win-win all the way around.

If you receive more gifts before the shower, send thank you notes as you receive them. The notes don't all need to go out in one batch or one mailing.

antoto · February 2014

Also, you should send every guest at your shower a thank you card regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not

Inkdancer · February 2014

antoto said:

Also, you should send every guest at your shower a thank you card regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not

On this note: if one of your shower guests is the girlfriend or fiance of another wedding guest, make sure you send the thank you note to her address. I never received any thank you note for some showers I attended, because they went to my FI's house instead of mine. I didn't even realize they had come at all until I groused about it and FI said "but we did get that note."

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Inkdancer said:

antoto said:

Also, you should send every guest at your shower a thank you card regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not

On this note: if one of your shower guests is the girlfriend or fiance of another wedding guest, make sure you send the thank you note to her address. I never received any thank you note for some showers I attended, because they went to my FI's house instead of mine. I didn't even realize they had come at all until I groused about it and FI said "but we did get that note."

Why is this rule different for showers vs. weddings and other parties? Generally I would think one should not send a TY just for somebody coming to the party, because it would seem gift-grabby. Like you're pointing out they didn't give you a gift.

Genuine question, not trying to be snarky.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

Definitely send a note now -- same as you would if you receive wedding gifts ahead of time. If you wait, people wonder if you got the gift, and if so, why you didn't thank them for it.

@JCBride2014 -- I'm not sure why this rule is different. Maybe because it's (generally) a more intimate affair than a wedding?

JCbride2015 · February 2014

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

Definitely send a note now -- same as you would if you receive wedding gifts ahead of time. If you wait, people wonder if you got the gift, and if so, why you didn't thank them for it.

@JCBride2014 -- I'm not sure why this rule is different. Maybe because it's (generally) a more intimate affair than a wedding?

@pumpkinsandturkeys I'm not sure that's it. E-parties are more intimate, but you still don't send a TY card for everybody who attended without a gift.

Maybe it's because the shower itself is a gift-giving event? That's the only difference I see, but not really sure why you would still send a card if no gift.

antoto · February 2014

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.

grumbledore · February 2014

Send it now.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

Open the gift, make sure nothing is damaged, and send the thank you. Then put it away until after the wedding.

You want to go ahead and inspect it now, as there may be a limited time period for exchanges.

grumbledore · February 2014

antoto said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.

This is incorrect. A physical gift or money receives a thank you note. A verbal thank you is appropriate at the shower and at the wedding for those in attendance. The reception is the thank you gift for the wedding attendees. A thank you note should never be sent to someone just for being present - it is gift grabby.

SKPM · February 2014

antoto said:
You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.

I disagree, and I believe that etiquette disagrees with you on this as well. You host a reception immediately following the ceremony to thank guests for attending your wedding ceremony and supporting you. Thank you notes are mailed for gifts -- shower, wedding, or otherwise.

antoto · February 2014

SKPM said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.
I disagree, and I believe that etiquette disagrees with you on this as well. You host a reception immediately following the ceremony to thank guests for attending your wedding ceremony and supporting you. Thank you notes are mailed for gifts -- shower, wedding, or otherwise.

Hmmmmm I need to research this. I was told you need to send thank yous regardless by my sister - who is admittedly not Miss Manners. Does anyone know a source for this?

antoto · February 2014

Did research. Apparently etiquette varies on this topic quite a lot. It probably comes down to personal preference. To me I think if you word it correctly it is NOT gift grabby.

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blogs/expertlyengaged/2013/10/mystery_gifts_thank_you_etiquette_etc.html

JCbride2015 · February 2014

grumbledore said:

antoto said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.

This is incorrect. A physical gift or money receives a thank you note. A verbal thank you is appropriate at the shower and at the wedding for those in attendance. The reception is the thank you gift for the wedding attendees. A thank you note should never be sent to someone just for being present - it is gift grabby.

Thanks. I was pretty sure about this as well.

antoto · February 2014

Also, looking around the internet I cannot find anywhere at all that says sending thank you notes for non gift givers is AGAINST etiquette but I DID find sources that say it is impolite to not do so.

antoto · February 2014

http://www.newjerseybride.com/aisle-files/thank-you-note-etiquette-should-you-send-to-a-guest-who-didnt-give-a-gift/

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

Etiquette requires a thank you note for a gift, not for attending.

It's optional to send a thank you note to attendees that do not give a gift. Some people find it to be a nice touch, while others believe it is meant to be a gentle reminder of the missing gift.

In this day of "thank you but I'll need a bigger gift" stories, most people err on the side of avoiding any potential perception of a gift grab. The better practice is to thank everyone for coming with table visits or a receiving line, and save the notes for the gifts.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.

If I received a 'thanks for coming' note and I hadn't given a gift yet, I'd think you were pressuring me to send a gift and it would adversely affect the gift I did send you...if I sent one at all. If you said to me 'thank you so much for coming' at the event, then that would be all I needed, and you'd be etiquette appropriate.

antoto · February 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.
If I received a 'thanks for coming' note and I hadn't given a gift yet, I'd think you were pressuring me to send a gift and it would adversely affect the gift I did send you...if I sent one at all. If you said to me 'thank you so much for coming' at the event, then that would be all I needed, and you'd be etiquette appropriate.

Hmmm... I guess to each his own. If I got a note that said "Thank you so much for sharing this special day with H and I. It was so important for us to spend it with you blah blah blah" I would not take that as "oh em gee why didn't you give me a gift!?"

grumbledore · February 2014

antoto said:

RebeccaB88 said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.
If I received a 'thanks for coming' note and I hadn't given a gift yet, I'd think you were pressuring me to send a gift and it would adversely affect the gift I did send you...if I sent one at all. If you said to me 'thank you so much for coming' at the event, then that would be all I needed, and you'd be etiquette appropriate.

Hmmm... I guess to each his own. If I got a note that said "Thank you so much for sharing this special day with H and I. It was so important for us to spend it with you blah blah blah" I would not take that as "oh em gee why didn't you give me a gift!?"

Point is, many people would take it the wrong way, so it's best not to do it in order to avoid this.

antoto · February 2014

grumbledore said:

antoto said:

RebeccaB88 said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.
If I received a 'thanks for coming' note and I hadn't given a gift yet, I'd think you were pressuring me to send a gift and it would adversely affect the gift I did send you...if I sent one at all. If you said to me 'thank you so much for coming' at the event, then that would be all I needed, and you'd be etiquette appropriate.

Hmmm... I guess to each his own. If I got a note that said "Thank you so much for sharing this special day with H and I. It was so important for us to spend it with you blah blah blah" I would not take that as "oh em gee why didn't you give me a gift!?"

Point is, many people would take it the wrong way, so it's best not to do it in order to avoid this.

This is a good point, was just totally gobsmacked that people would take it that way. I mean, I know some couples are psychos about gifts... but not all of us are! Some of us just want to genuinely send a thank you card because we are just plain and simple thankful that someone could make it!

[Deleted User] · February 2014

I sent thank you cards out for shower gifts as they came in. This way the giver knew that I got the gift and it was one less card to write out after the shower.

In regards to wedding thank you, I only had two couples come that didn't give a gift of any kind. But they were also GM and I knew things were tight for them financially (we helped pay for their tuxes). But they were still there and as GM were a special part of our special day so I still sent them thank you cards for being there of us on our day.

tammym1001 · February 2014

Posted this on the wrong board. Sorry

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

You send a card because they came to support you at an important event. Showers are a gift giving event, but for those who could not afford anything or are simply ignorant to this tradition, they still made your event a priority in their life and deserve a humble thank you. It is not gift grabby if you do not say something like "You didn't give me a gift but I am sending this anyways". you say "Thank you so much for coming to my shower and supporting me".

This rule applies to your wedding AS WELL. Everyone gets a thank you, regardless of whether they gave you a gift or not.

You thank them for being there and supporting your marriage.
If I received a 'thanks for coming' note and I hadn't given a gift yet, I'd think you were pressuring me to send a gift and it would adversely affect the gift I did send you...if I sent one at all. If you said to me 'thank you so much for coming' at the event, then that would be all I needed, and you'd be etiquette appropriate.

Admittedly I haven't read all of the responses, but I was wondering if your perception would change if you traveled for the wedding? Most of our guests will travel (especially our family) and if they don't give gifts I would still like to thank them for willing to spend money to come see us get married. It isn't cheap and none of them have a ton of money. I would love to send them a heartfelt thank you for being willing to travel so far. Maybe it would be better if I left those it the welcome bags and then it wouldn't seem as gift grabby? Also some of the family has been helping me get addresses and I know that probably isn't fun, is it appropriate to include that in the thank you note. I don't want my new family to think I want gifts or am upset that I don't get one. I really am honored that many are already making travel plans and Save the Dates aren't even out yet!

grumbledore · February 2014

@antoto - I get where you are coming from, unfortunately those who are badly behaved make things harder for all of us lol.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

Erikan73 said:

I sent thank you cards out for shower gifts as they came in. This way the giver knew that I got the gift and it was one less card to write out after the shower.
In regards to wedding thank you, I only had two couples come that didn't give a gift of any kind. But they were also GM and I knew things were tight for them financially (we helped pay for their tuxes). But they were still there and as GM were a special part of our special day so I still sent them thank you cards for being there of us on our day.

They were GM, so they should get thank you notes. It was my understanding that the WP should always get a note (gift or not) because they honored you by standing up for you.

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