Parents in Law Faithful Nightmare

ogorm013 · February 2014

I am having a bout of Parents in Law clashes. I am not sure how to feel or what I'm allowed to say being they are not my parents and I don't want to be disrespectful.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

My fiancé and I recently went to his families church to see if the preacher would marry us. In a nutshell no. We live together. So he said one could move out immediately or we could have a quickie wedding now at the church and another on the later date in front of our friends and family.

We gave it a couple days and discussed it between ourselves and decided neither situation works for us. It would financially break us if one person moved out and I do not want two weddings for reasons being my family wouldn't be able to attend the shot-gun wedding. I am getting married ONCE to my fiancé. He agrees on this.

We let his parents know and this is where it got uncomfortable for me. We told his parents and why. They told us we need to look out for number one while pointing at the ceiling, God is crying because of your choices, and his mother had the audacity to bring up my fiancés first girlfriend and look at my fiancé and say remember what you promised God in senior youth class? Remember? You promised not to live with someone until you are married. His mother rolled her eyes at me when I said we do not want a quickie wedding and my parents are against it. They went on and on about how Faith and God are the foundation of a good marriage.

At the end of all this I am reminded on why I quit attending church in the first place, I was very much contemplating joining again because it was what my fiancé wanted to do and I liked his church. I am so angry that they have turned our wedding into a podium to lecture us about God and church. I get it God is a part of it BUT I feel its a day we also celebrate our love becoming one and we have our whole family and friends to join us.

I'm looking for peoples thoughts and suggestions on this. I never thought this would be such an issue.

Thank you for your time and reading

6fsn · February 2014

I don't really know what you need suggestions on. The church doesn't want to marry you and his parents were assy. They both have the right.

The bigger question is how do you and FI feel about religion in your life? If you want kids how will you handle that? If the question is how to handle these comments in the future I would suggest sitting down and talking about your expectations.

zitiqueen · February 2014

ogorm013 said:

I am having a bout of Parents in Law clashes. I am not sure how to feel or what I'm allowed to say being they are not my parents and I don't want to be disrespectful.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

My fiancé and I recently went to his families church to see if the preacher would marry us. In a nutshell no. We live together. So he said one could move out immediately or we could have a quickie wedding now at the church and another on the later date in front of our friends and family.

We gave it a couple days and discussed it between ourselves and decided neither situation works for us. It would financially break us if one person moved out and I do not want two weddings for reasons being my family wouldn't be able to attend the shot-gun wedding. I am getting married ONCE to my fiancé. He agrees on this.

We let his parents know and this is where it got uncomfortable for me. We told his parents and why. They told us we need to look out for number one while pointing at the ceiling, God is crying because of your choices, and his mother had the audacity to bring up my fiancés first girlfriend and look at my fiancé and say remember what you promised God in senior youth class? Remember? You promised not to live with someone until you are married. His mother rolled her eyes at me when I said we do not want a quickie wedding and my parents are against it. They went on and on about how Faith and God are the foundation of a good marriage.

At the end of all this I am reminded on why I quit attending church in the first place, I was very much contemplating joining again because it was what my fiancé wanted to do and I liked his church. I am so angry that they have turned our wedding into a podium to lecture us about God and church. I get it God is a part of it BUT I feel its a day we also celebrate our love becoming one and we have our whole family and friends to join us.

I'm looking for peoples thoughts and suggestions on this. I never thought this would be such an issue.

Thank you for your time and reading

Wow. What is your FI's reaction to all of this?

ogorm013 · February 2014

I totally agree the preacher had the right to say no to us. I was bummed and annoyed but I got over it. My FI parents saying what they said and not just letting it go and being happy that we are getting married is upsetting me. I feel no respect in how they are acting and their attempt to control us in the name of God is what is also turning me off when it comes to organized religion. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

My FI is in agreement with me on our decision. But I don't feel he is putting his foot down to his parents. He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult. Lutheran Catholic not a big difference. My family is though free floaters with a God in my opinion. '

Wzz · February 2014

if you quit church, then you may want to consider NOT getting married in a church. i'm not sure what you need advice on. ultimately i agree with 6.

VarunaTT · February 2014

ogorm013 said:

He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult. Lutheran Catholic not a big difference. My family is though free floaters with a God in my opinion.

Um, what?

cruffino · February 2014

ugh, that really stinks, i'm sorry. my parents had a similar situation when my mother's church refused to marry them because my mother was pregnant....with me.

you said that both you and your FI agreed that neither option worked for you. what have you guys discussed as alternatives? it seems your options are finding another church, or finding an officiant who can help you create the kind of ceremony that will make you both happy.

it's important that the two of you get on the same page about what role religion will play in your lives. not resolving this now could set you up for disagreements and problems in the future.

as for his parents, they are entitled to their opinions. that being said, only you and your FI get to decide what role (if any) religion will play in your marriage, and your wedding ceremony. honestly, if they are so concerned, they should offer to let FI stay with them until the wedding. disregard them and keep planning the ceremony that you and your FI want.

ogorm013 · February 2014

Sorry - this apostrophe followed - He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult.'

ogorm013 · February 2014

Thank you for your input, we are on the look for another preacher. This stuation is so wierd to me I never anticipated it. His parents offered for him to stay at thier place - the glitch is they live an hour away.

6fsn · February 2014

His parents can be happy you are getting married, but not be happy that you are living together. I know my dad wasn't happy that DH and I lived together first. He may not have said anything, but I know it hurt him. It doesn't make my dad's belief's invalid or disrespectful.

VarunaTT · February 2014

So, your FI has just decided that his and his family's belief is stronger than yours, but he went ahead and lived with you?

Let me tell you, he is cherry picking his faith and then he's not protecting you from his parents grousing about HIS cherry picking. There needs to be a really serious talk about what role religion is going to play in your lives.

God is crying b/c of your choices? Really? Not over war or starving children or any of the other issues, but b/c y'all hitched up and had sex. I will never cease being appalled at how some people can make everything, just everything, about themselves.

delujm0 · February 2014

Your future in laws are entitled to their beliefs. I'm surprised that they haven't objected to your living situation before, since clearly they're so against it. They're being annoying and sanctimonious now, which is lame, but it is what it is. Your FI is a grown man who can make his own decisions about religion and God and his life.

You and FI just need to get on the same page about what you both want as far as religion's place in your lives in the future. If you want to eventually join a (more forgiving) church, just find another preacher to do your marriage ceremony. Plenty of them are out there that don't refuse to do weddings because of your living situation. If you're really against religion, maybe you shouldn't have a religious wedding ceremony at all. But you need to be on the same page with your FI.

FWIW i think it's ridiculous that this preacher was like "well you've been living together, but if one of you moves out right now i'll still do the ceremony." i thought that the living together thing was more about premarital sex than it was about physical living situation. if you've already had sex there's no going back on that one. this guy sounds kind of like an idiot. FI moving out isn't going to make it so that you've never lived together and you're suddenly virgins again. it will just make you have an annoying and stressful few months leading up to the wedding. what's done is done.

Also, i fail to see why he would marry you immediately if this is his belief system, since you are living together right now. so he would marry you tomorrow even thought you're living together, but he won't marry you in a few months when you are also living together? WTF??

SJohnson82 · February 2014

That is a loaded situation but it's true, generally speaking the "church" has a certain stance on your situation and thus, they operate within their rules. I also agree that your FI's parents are entitled to their own feelings, but the way the mom went about it was obnoxious, rude, and insensitive.

FWIW, I am a non-denominational "believer" with a Master's in Theology and let me tell you, people screw up religion all the time, don't let their reaction deter you from a fulfilling spiritual life for you and your FI. If I were in your position, I would first and foremost look for a church that fits *your* personality and style. Generally speaking, non-denominational churches tend to be a little more realistic and "forgiving" (as one poster put it) to current society (read: they are less rigid and more accepting of people no matter what). Second, consider an ordained minster - many ministers are ordained for the reason of marrying people thus they are not so nosey or preachy. Lastly, you and your FI need to shut down mom's comments should they come up again. You are grown adults who love each other and are committed, end of story.

zitiqueen · February 2014

ogorm013 said:

I totally agree the preacher had the right to say no to us. I was bummed and annoyed but I got over it. My FI parents saying what they said and not just letting it go and being happy that we are getting married is upsetting me. I feel no respect in how they are acting and their attempt to control us in the name of God is what is also turning me off when it comes to organized religion. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

My FI is in agreement with me on our decision. But I don't feel he is putting his foot down to his parents. He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult. Lutheran Catholic not a big difference. My family is though free floaters with a God in my opinion. '

Is this common with your FI when it comes to his parents?

KatWAG · February 2014

ogorm013 said:

I totally agree the preacher had the right to say no to us. I was bummed and annoyed but I got over it. My FI parents saying what they said and not just letting it go and being happy that we are getting married is upsetting me. I feel no respect in how they are acting and their attempt to control us in the name of God is what is also turning me off when it comes to organized religion. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

My FI is in agreement with me on our decision. But I don't feel he is putting his foot down to his parents. He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult. Lutheran Catholic not a big difference. My family is though free floaters with a God in my opinion. '

If you really dont think there is a difference between these religions you are sorely mistaken.

dharmabunny · February 2014

KatWAG said:

ogorm013 said:

I totally agree the preacher had the right to say no to us. I was bummed and annoyed but I got over it. My FI parents saying what they said and not just letting it go and being happy that we are getting married is upsetting me. I feel no respect in how they are acting and their attempt to control us in the name of God is what is also turning me off when it comes to organized religion. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

My FI is in agreement with me on our decision. But I don't feel he is putting his foot down to his parents. He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult. Lutheran Catholic not a big difference. My family is though free floaters with a God in my opinion. '

If you really dont think there is a difference between these religions you are sorely mistaken.

Oooh, Martin Luther's gonna be SO mad at you for that one.

http://ergofabulous.org/luther/

Amyzen83 · February 2014

VarunaTT, he's the one who made the choice to live together even though his church opposes it, so in my mind he loses the argument of his faith being stronger. Complete BS in my opinion. And true the Pastor and his parents are allowed to feel however they want about your situation, and the Pastor is allowed to make that decision. With that said though, their approach was rude, insensitive and intolerant, and it would strongly make me reconsider even stepping foot in that church again. I can't believe he even suggested a PPD, just so he could save face in marrying you guys.

My advice is have a heart to heart with FI, WITHOUT his parents, and talk seriously about the role you want God to play in your lives, and perhaps find a church together that can be your church as a married couple, that fits what you both believe.

On a personal note, I am a Christian and I've gotten flack about many of my choices such as being with a non-believer, and living with him even though it made the most sense. I let all the negativity roll off my back and looked to God for my answers not flawed humans, and even if I am sinning, I'm still loved and forgiven by Him.

zitiqueen · February 2014

Don't Lutherans hate the pope?

dharmabunny · February 2014

zitiqueen said:
Don't Lutherans hate the pope?

No.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

OP, you and your FI need to figure out where you are, individually and as a couple, about religion. And you need to do it BEFORE you get married.

It concerns me that he appears to be cherry-picking the aspects of his faith that matter to him, and that he has UNILATERALLY decided that you're not as strong in your faith as he is in his.

ogorm013 said:

I totally agree the preacher had the right to say no to us. I was bummed and annoyed but I got over it. My FI parents saying what they said and not just letting it go and being happy that we are getting married is upsetting me. I feel no respect in how they are acting and their attempt to control us in the name of God is what is also turning me off when it comes to organized religion.

My FI is in agreement with me on our decision. (1) But I don't feel he is putting his foot down to his parents. (2) He even said 'well if we were the same religion and your belief was as strong as ours this wouldn't be so difficult. (3) Lutheran Catholic not a big difference. (4) My family is though free floaters with a God in my opinion. '

The bolded (a) concerns me and (b) makes ZERO sense.

1. If he's not putting his foot down to his parents (and what do you want him to do, exactly? How do you want him to handle this situation?), this is a problem for your future marriage.

2. This is a judgemental, hypocritical statement, and a red flag.

3. Uhm....pretty sure he has zero idea what he's on about here.

4. What does the final point even mean? That makes NO sense.

You and he have to figure out what your plans for your religious beliefs are going forward. What about kids? How do you plan to raise them? Will they be baptised?

Yes, your FILs are being douche-canoe assholes, sanctimonious, and judgemental as all get-out, but the larger issue is what you and your FI want to do.

erinlin25 · February 2014

pretty sure you did not hold a gun to FI head and demand he move in with you, so he needs to own his decision and stand up for you with his parents. They don't like it, fine, but he is an adult and can make those choices for himself. I am pretty sure when I was a senior in HS I believed it was bad to live together before marriage and I would be virgin when getting married, but that did not exactly happen and that is OK. I was raised catholic, and specifically chose to keep religion in my life but not conform to their strict (and judgmental) views so my adult views are far from a Catholic stand and my parents understand and accept it. Moving out now will not change the past as PP suggested, so I think it is your best interest to find a different church or even a different ceremony venue (non church) all together. If you both want to marry in the church you need to find one that will accept your relationship. We had an outdoor ceremony with a catholic priest who married us and created a beautiful ceremony around our beliefs, not solely his. H and I were raised with different religion but our view on religion and our values/beliefs align so it works for us--but that was something we hashed out long before we were even engaged. I suggest you and FI do the same so it is clear on how religion will be a part of your future. Will you raise your kids Catholic or Lutheran?

My MIL freaked a bit when H and I moved in together in early stages of dating, but H stood up for our decision. She judged the hell out of me and could not fathom her little boy would do such a thing, I must be such a heathen... but no, H set her straight from the start and always had my back. Once MIL got to know me better her judgement dropped, but I for sure had to go through it in the beginning.

religion can be a sore spot in many relationships. But it is up to you and FI on how to handle it and have a united stand regarding it. He needs to have your back, especially when dealing with his parents. It was equally his decision as yours to move in together.

ogorm013 · February 2014

Thank you everyone for your input. We talked last night about religion and how we wanted to move forward with it. We have come to a decision on how we want to proceed with our beliefs and what we wanted to do with them. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I also told him he needs to tell his parents how it’s going to be and they need to show respect for our decisions. They are ours to make and if they are going to be considered mistakes in his parents eyes they are ours to make.

I'm just nervous now about the rehearsal dinner and the big day. I hope they can keep their opinions to themselves and show my family respect - it’s a bunch of religions and beliefs but good people. I don't want them to feel like a certain thing is being shoved in their face.

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