Family and Plus ones

gsuarez88 · February 2014

delujm0 · February 2014

I can't even get past the first line of this. You're not supposed to host your own engagement party. It is in bad taste to host what is traditionally a gift-giving event for yourself. It's gift-grabby. You can host a no-specific-reason cocktail party if you want to though. or a casual get together. But you sound like you're actually doing formal invitations for this.

If your FSIL has a person who she considers to be her BF, he should be invited. How would you like it if you were invited to a cocktail party without your FI? It's not your business to judge the seriousness of other people's relationships, regardless of how long they've been together. my FI's parents got engaged after dating for 6 weeks, and have been married now for over 35 years. Length of time is not important.

KatWAG · February 2014

gsuarez88 said:

My Finace and I are hosting our engagement party. We are having a small intimate cocktail party on Valentine's day weekend. He has three sister, one older than him, the other two are younger than him. The youngest one who is also a bridesmaid has asked to bring her BF to the party. They have been only dating for about a month. I do not think that is enough time to bring a BF to a family event,my Fiance agrees with me that he should not come. When she asked me I politely told her that at the moment we will not be giving plus one to our guests. She did not like this, so she made a huge deal about it. At this point the other sisters have gotten involved and it is causing a lot of stress with in the family. Should I just give in and allow her to bring her BF? Or should I stand behind my decision?

Please read one of the 1000 thread on how rude and tacky it is to host your own engagement party. I dont have the energy to type out all of the reasons yet again.

And sister is right to make a big deal about this. She has a boyfriend. They are a social unit and should be treated as such. You have no right to judge the serious of their relationship and whether bf should or should not meet the family.

audubonbride2013 · February 2014

delujm0 said:

I can't even get past the first line of this. You're not supposed to host your own engagement party. It is in bad taste to host what is traditionally a gift-giving event for yourself. It's gift-grabby. You can host a no-specific-reason cocktail party if you want to though. or a casual get together. But you sound like you're actually doing formal invitations for this.

If your FSIL has a person who she considers to be her BF, he should be invited. How would you like it if you were invited to a cocktail party without your FI? It's not your business to judge the seriousness of other people's relationships, regardless of how long they've been together. my FI's parents got engaged after dating for 6 weeks, and have been married now for over 35 years. Length of time is not important.

All of this. Why not just have a regular cocktail party or valentines themed cocktail party? Regardless, you should let your FSIL bring her BF.

KatWAG · February 2014

MSM2011 said:

You should stand behind your decision because you'e the one hosting (and paying) for the party. She hasn't dated his guy long enough to even have a valid reason to make such a fuss. Can your fiancés' mom (or another close family member) try to explain this to her? Maybe you can make her feel better by letting her know that if she's still dating this guy at the time of the wedding then you'll invite him.

I just... can't. Everything about this post is so wrong

gsuarez88 · February 2014

It is usually the tradition for parents to host the engagement party. However we didn't not want to put that financial burden on our families. We both are paying for the wedding as well. As far as the gift we have indicated "no gifts" on the invitations as well as word of mouth. I did plenty of reaserch on this and I found that if we wanted to host our party it is perfectly okay to do so.

KatWAG · February 2014

gsuarez88 said:

It is usually the tradition for parents to host the engagement party. However we didn't not want to put that financial burden on our families. We both are paying for the wedding as well. As far as the gift we have indicated "no gifts" on the invitations as well as word of mouth. I did plenty of reaserch on this and I found that if we wanted to host our party it is perfectly okay to do so.

It is not perfectly okay to do so. It is also rude to put "no gifts" on an invite. Gifts should never ever be referenced. If someone does not offer to throw you an e-party. Then you dont get one. They arent a requirement.

Gerbertmcway · February 2014

What's wrong about it? Yes, it's tacky to host your own party; however, they've dated for a month and we don't know how serious they are or this person's track record with a dating. It's possible this person might not be around in a few weeks. Secondly, the party is being planned for next weekend and it might be a burden for the couple to add another guest at this time. I looked at this from a financial standpoint too. Regardless of the etiquette issue, they're paying and it's possible they can't afford anymore guests.

I'm not planning on inviting my cousin's girlfriends (all under the age of 25) because they have new ones every other month. My older cousins in serious relationships are invited with their S.O. My family (my parents, aunts, older cousins and relatives) all sided with me. If one person suddenly has a serious relationship at the time of the wedding, then I'll find a way to add them in.

It's also possible that a couple that has been together for 8 years won't be together in a few weeks. So by that standard, no dating couples, or engaged or married couples for that matter, should be invited.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

If the goal of your wedding is to alienate as many people as possible, you are on the right track.

This is a mess. You need to cancel this rude party. If someone offers to throw you a party, you need to make sure that significant others are invited. Your wedding is not an opportunity to deliberately insult friends and family.

aurianna · February 2014

MSM2011 said:

What's wrong about it? Yes, it's tacky to host your own party; however, they've dated for a month and we don't know how serious they are or this person's track record with a dating. It's possible this person might not be around in a few weeks. Secondly, the party is being planned for next weekend and it might be a burden for the couple to add another guest at this time. I looked at this from a financial standpoint too. Regardless of the etiquette issue, they're paying and it's possible they can't afford anymore guests.

I'm not planning on inviting my cousin's girlfriends (all under the age of 25) because they have new ones every other month. My older cousins in serious relationships are invited with their S.O. My family (my parents, aunts, older cousins and relatives) all sided with me. If one person suddenly has a serious relationship at the time of the wedding, then I'll find a way to add them in.

As everyone has said, it is not up to the host to judge the seriousness of one's relationship. My coworker moved in with his now-wife after a month. My dear friend got engaged at 4 months. My uncle MARRIED a woman he'd known for two weeks. My grandmother got engaged after 4 dates.
If she says she's in a relationship, then she's in one. And if she's getting this upset over his not being invited, that tells me that it's a serious one.

They are a social unit. There is no excuse for splitting up a social unit, even budget. There is always another place to cut the budget. Change the food offering, reduce the bar from full to beer/wine (or dry). Cut the decorations. Or don't invite a few friends that you might have otherwise invited. If you are using budget as an excuse to be rude to your guests, then you did something wrong when you planned your budget, and that's your fault. So don't punish your guests for your own mistake.

@MSM2011 @gsuarez88
These are your future sister-in-laws. Their boyfriends could be their future husbands. If you judge the seriousness of their relationships here and don't invite them just to save a couple of bucks (which you incorrectly allocated in the first place by not factoring in SOs), many of your new family members will judge you long into your marriage.
It isn't worth it. Be polite and invite all SOs of every guest over 18.

..also, don't throw your own engagement party. If no one offers to throw you one, you simply don't get one. It's not the end of the world. I didn't get one and it hasn't changed my life in any way.

ETA: And since you're paying for these events yourself... If I were in your shoes I'd totally scrap an E party and put the money towards the wedding. As a bride I'm glad I had a fancy wedding even at the cost of no engagement party, and as a guest I think I'd much rather attend a lavish wedding than both a modest wedding and a modest engagement party. But that's just my personal preference, so take it or leave it.

ETA:
And as was also said, it's rude to mention gifts in any way. By putting "no gifts" you are telling guests that if you hadn't written that, then you would have expected them to bring gifts otherwise, which you should not.
It also might put off people that wanted to give you gifts and now feel like their gift isn't welcome.
And it might make others feel liking you're showing off and trying to be falsely magnanimous.

The only invitation it's ok to have registry/gift info in is a shower invite (and again, you can not throw your own) because the purpose is to shower the bride with gifts. Do not mention registry, gifts, or even 'no gifts' on any other invitation (that includes engagement party and wedding invites)

LondonLisa · February 2014

MSM2011 said:

The more I've been reading; the more I've been thinking about it and I guess there is a valid point to the argument. I'll definitely have to rethink the wedding list and budget.

I guess I never really took offense to those things, so I didn't think other people did. I'll admit I don't have much experience with planning parties and things.

Good for you! Thanks for listening to the reasoning behind this rule and changing your mind- it is refreshing! Many brides on here just want validation that their nasty ideas are ok, and flip out when they are told it is rude. Etiquette isn't about being stuffy, it is in order to make your guests feel welcome and not hurt anyone's feelings. That is why it is required to invite SO's regardless of length of relationship (what if she ends up marrying this guy? OP will forever be the witch that made him feel unwelcome).

Also, throwing a party in honour of yourself (even saying no gifts- which is rude in and of itself) is a big faux pas.

aurianna · February 2014

MSM2011 said:

The more I've been reading; the more I've been thinking about it and I guess there is a valid point to the argument. I'll definitely have to rethink the wedding list and budget.

I guess I never really took offense to those things, so I didn't think other people did. I'll admit I don't have much experience with planning parties and things.

This is an awesome attitude.
We get pretty blunt here, so it's not always pretty. So taking what posters say seriously is great.

There are definitely a lot of costs associated with a wedding and it's difficult to juggle. But if a hostess always makes her top priority taking each of her guest's comfort into account, odds are high that guests will have nothing negative to say about the wedding when it's all said and done... which is very rewarding.

Good luck!

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