Just Engaged and Proposals

Why is etiquette so important?

And what I mean by that is, why are there so many rules about wording on invites, who gets invited, wedding gifts, engagement parties, etc. 
Is it wrong to want to make your (and your husband-to-be)'s own rules? It's your day after all.
As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?
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Re: Why is etiquette so important?

  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    And what I mean by that is, why are there so many rules about wording on invites, who gets invited, wedding gifts, engagement parties, etc. 
    Is it wrong to want to make your (and your husband-to-be)'s own rules? It's your day after all.
    As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?
    That's basically etiquette in a nutshell.  Basically, etiquette is important because you want to make sure your guests feel appreciated.  
    image
    [Deleted User]doeydoplentyofus
  • What exactly is it that you don't like about etiquette?  Specific "rules"?
  • kmmssg said:
    What exactly is it that you don't like about etiquette?  Specific "rules"?
    Agreed, What rules do you want to "make up"?

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Schatzi13 said:
    OP, when we were planning, I heard a lot about what we had to do for our wedding. There is a lot of information out there, and a lot of people call things "etiquette" that are not or give "rules" that really come from, say, how they would do it, tradition (often confused with etiquette), or something designed to make the wedding industry more money. 

    Etiquette is not really that complicated or rigid. Basically, think about others before yourselves and treat them well. No taking others for granted, no treating them like ATMs, host any guests you have properly, treat all of your guests the same, think about your guests when you plan, and, as you say, be grateful, polite, and show decorum.

    It's true that there are some things that should not be done, and that's because they are not things that grateful, polite, decorous people do. However, there is a ton of flexibility in what you can do so long as you treat people well.

    Hope this helps!
    The bolded says it all. 

     This not only applies to your wedding guests, but your wedding party as well. Basic manners.  You don't ask people to spend money on your behalf.  That spans the entire day, from telling BM's they must pay for professional make up or shoes, to having guests buy their own beverages at the reception.

    Ask a specific wedding related question, and we would be happy to offer the spectrum of etiquette as it applies.
    doeydo
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    And what I mean by that is, why are there so many rules about wording on invites, who gets invited, wedding gifts, engagement parties, etc. 
    Is it wrong to want to make your (and your husband-to-be)'s own rules? It's your day after all.
    As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?
    The bolded is pretty much what etiquette comes down to. What rules do you have a problem with?

    doeydo
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Schatzi13 said:
    This is a bit of an older post at this point, but this is a version of a common complaint and misunderstanding - "etiquette is too hard, there are too many rules, I have to do this and I don't see why/I don't want to, it's all outdated anyway" etc. Would some version of "what is etiquette and why it's important" be a reasonable contender for a sticky on the E-board?
    Yes, that would be great if someone was willing to write it.
    image
  • OP I totaly agree. Some people get all uptight about these rules....

    "As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?" (this is how I feel.)
    fourtsixand2
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2014

    OP I totaly agree. Some people get all uptight about these rules....

    "As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?" (this is how I feel.)


    Its not polite to host your own e- party. Its self- serving

    ETA: ugh, spelling is hard

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • KatWAG said:

    OP I totaly agree. Some people get all uptight about these rules....

    "As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?" (this is how I feel.)

    Its not polite to host yoru own e- party. Its self- serving

    @KatWag LOL well thats too bad im breaking the rules
  • I don't see the problem with throwing your own engagement party. You are newly engaged: of course you want to celebrate it with all your friends and family! Why does that mean somebody else has to host it? Why should it have to ne that somebody else has to pay for a party to celebrate your engagement? Doesn't make sense to me. Sure, if someone else wants to throw it, by all means let them, but just because nobody has offered to throw you an engagement party to doesn't mean you shouldn't have one. That's like saying you can't host your own wedding.
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  • Etiquette, in my opinion, is important because a wedding and all that it encompasses is 'supposed' to be a proper affair.  But, also in my opinion, people can get way too worked up about etiquette.  For example, in my case we are not having a wedding where guests are invited.  We are choosing to marry with just the two of us, but afterwards we will be hosting a reception with food and drinks.  We didn't want to force friends and family to pay for dresses/suits/etc.  
    Proper etiquette says we are not 'supposed' to have a shower or register for gifts since we aren't inviting people to a wedding.  I don't agree with that.  
    Buying gifts for a new couple should be something you enjoy doing, whether or not you're attending both a ceremony and reception, or just a reception.
    That was just an example.

    My advice .... practice common sense.  Don't kill yourself worrying with what is proper or not proper.  If whatever you are contemplating sound acceptable, go for it.  If you question it, put yourself in someone else's place and see how you'd react.

    There is too much stress as it is in planning a wedding - do what makes you happy and forget what someone might think. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Etiquette, in my opinion, is important because a wedding and all that it encompasses is 'supposed' to be a proper affair.  But, also in my opinion, people can get way too worked up about etiquette.  For example, in my case we are not having a wedding where guests are invited.  We are choosing to marry with just the two of us, but afterwards we will be hosting a reception with food and drinks.  We didn't want to force friends and family to pay for dresses/suits/etc.  
    Proper etiquette says we are not 'supposed' to have a shower or register for gifts since we aren't inviting people to a wedding.  I don't agree with that.  
    Buying gifts for a new couple should be something you enjoy doing, whether or not you're attending both a ceremony and reception, or just a reception.
    That was just an example.

    My advice .... practice common sense.  Don't kill yourself worrying with what is proper or not proper.  If whatever you are contemplating sound acceptable, go for it.  If you question it, put yourself in someone else's place and see how you'd react.

    There is too much stress as it is in planning a wedding - do what makes you happy and forget what someone might think. 
    First bolded:  Just because you include people into your wedding does not mean that you have to make them purchase new outfits.  You could include people and just tell them to wear whatever they want.

    Second bolded:  Seriously?  And you don't think people will happily just give you a gift at your reception?  You want to make absolutely sure that you fulfill their immense need to buy you something by having a bridal shower even though they aren't invited to the wedding ceremony? Not everyone has the need to purchase a couple something just because they are getting married.

    [Deleted User]
  • Etiquette, in my opinion, is important because a wedding and all that it encompasses is 'supposed' to be a proper affair.  But, also in my opinion, people can get way too worked up about etiquette.  For example, in my case we are not having a wedding where guests are invited.  We are choosing to marry with just the two of us, but afterwards we will be hosting a reception with food and drinks.  We didn't want to force friends and family to pay for dresses/suits/etc.  
    Proper etiquette says we are not 'supposed' to have a shower or register for gifts since we aren't inviting people to a wedding.  I don't agree with that.  
    Buying gifts for a new couple should be something you enjoy doing, whether or not you're attending both a ceremony and reception, or just a reception.
    That was just an example.

    My advice .... practice common sense.  Don't kill yourself worrying with what is proper or not proper.  If whatever you are contemplating sound acceptable, go for it.  If you question it, put yourself in someone else's place and see how you'd react.

    There is too much stress as it is in planning a wedding - do what makes you happy and forget what someone might think. 
    First bolded:  Just because you include people into your wedding does not mean that you have to make them purchase new outfits.  You could include people and just tell them to wear whatever they want.

    Second bolded:  Seriously?  And you don't think people will happily just give you a gift at your reception?  You want to make absolutely sure that you fulfill their immense need to buy you something by having a bridal shower even though they aren't invited to the wedding ceremony? Not everyone has the need to purchase a couple something just because they are getting married.
    First:  We are CHOOSING to not have a ceremony. It's just a side note that we didn't want a 'wedding party' because we did not want friends to incur the cost of buying bridesmaid/groomsmen outfits.  

    Second: I think you read waaaaay too personal into what I said.  I didn't say people were required to buy a gift.  My implication was that there seems to be all these rules: you can't invite someone to a shower who isn't invited to a 'proper' wedding, you can't register for gifts if you're 'established' as a couple already, etc etc.  There are some people who choose to not have a formal ceremony, get married just the two of them, and then have a proper reception afterwards.  That's still a celebration of marriage, so why does 'etiquette' say that those people aren't 'supposed' to register for gifts, or have a shower?  I'd never have my own shower, and I don't plan to register for gifts, but that was just an example.  
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2014
    And what I mean by that is, why are there so many rules about wording on invites, who gets invited, wedding gifts, engagement parties, etc. 
    Is it wrong to want to make your (and your husband-to-be)'s own rules? It's your day after all.
    As long as one is grateful, polite and show decorum, one should be fine, shouldn't it?

    Back to the original OP's question, yes if you are polite, grateful (as in giving your guests a proper reception and writing thank you notes ASAP). and show decorum, you should be fine.
    A wedding invitation is simply a note to the guests from the hosts, telling them who, what, when and where - not why.  As long as your wording accomplished this, and doesn't demean the importance of marriage, it should be fine.
    Traditional wording has evolved into accomplishing this with as few words as possible.  Most creative wording I have seen fails on one of these areas, but not all do.  I am fine with alternative wording as long as it does the job.  My problems with wording usually are about when someone says too much, or wants to load up their invitation with information that shouldn't be on there..

    It isn't "your day".  Whoever told you that?  It is your wedding day.  It is also your fiance's wedding day.  It doesn't give you permission to be rude to people.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]KeptInStitches
  • Schatzi13 said:
    I just answered this question again on Offbeat.

    If someone wouldn't mind helping write this (on here? PM?) we can stick it over onto E.
    @Schatzi13

    Messaged you
    [Deleted User]chibiyui
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    First:  We are CHOOSING to not have a ceremony. It's just a side note that we didn't want a 'wedding party' because we did not want friends to incur the cost of buying bridesmaid/groomsmen outfits.  

    Second: I think you read waaaaay too personal into what I said.  I didn't say people were required to buy a gift.  My implication was that there seems to be all these rules: you can't invite someone to a shower who isn't invited to a 'proper' wedding, you can't register for gifts if you're 'established' as a couple already, etc etc.  There are some people who choose to not have a formal ceremony, get married just the two of them, and then have a proper reception afterwards.  That's still a celebration of marriage, so why does 'etiquette' say that those people aren't 'supposed' to register for gifts, or have a shower?  I'd never have my own shower, and I don't plan to register for gifts, but that was just an example.  
    The bolded is not a rule at all.  H and I were together 9 years before we got married and had lived together for just over 2 years.  So we were very much established but we still registered because there were many things that we still needed.  Anyone can register no matter how established you are.

    CMGragainLabLove86[Deleted User]
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