Fiancées parents won't contribute but have big demands!

bananasplit472001 · November 2013

My parents are giving us a very generous amount for our wedding that normally should cover all cost. Unfortunately my fiancée parents keep adding people to the guest list as well and things we need for the wedding (special meals, chuppah, personalized ceremony pieces etc) It's just too much. Our budget it close to going over at this point. Also we did not factor in the rehearsal dinner as he claimed his parents would pay but now they act like we have to just magically add it into our budget. The wedding is interfaith so we do have a lot of extra expenses in terms of ceremony pieces. How can I stay under budget without going crazy?

futurepastorswife · November 2013

From what I've learned on here, if they aren't paying they don't get a say.

I would give them a set number or % of the guest list and once they've hit that number too bad.

I don't have a lot of suggestions, but good luck.

rikysegal · November 2013

You say "if you don't pay, you get no say."

When i told my mom I was engaged she offered no help (she cant afford it) but she wanted to bring 20 of her friends whom I never met.

I told her it wasn't in my budget, but if she wanted to pay for them Id be happy to add them

that shut her up

kmmssg · November 2013

You and your FI need to be on the same page about this and he needs to let them know you guys can't afford the demands. They can't MAKE you do anything unless you allow that to happen.

thejucheidea · November 2013

Te--tell them to sit and spin? How is this even a question?

MobKaz · November 2013

kmmssg said:

You and your FI need to be on the same page about this and he needs to let them know you guys can't afford the demands. They can't MAKE you do anything unless you allow that to happen.

All of this ^^

If you are in the initial stages of planning, you need to start at square one. Determine your budget. Then determine how many people you can comfortably and properly host. Once you and your FI are in agreement, you need to present that guest list number to his parents. You politely but firmly inform them that they can invite XX number of people, and let them decide who is in and who gets cut.

I personally am not a fan of the "if you want to invite more people then you need to pay" philosophy. That allows for potential intrusion and interference beyond the guest list. You seem to be experiencing that already with your FIL's insisting on ceremony elements, meal choices, and other add-ons. I would then suggest you stop sharing unnecessary wedding information with them. Pull back and rethink any items that have been discussed but not yet committed.

If you have the burden of hosting the rehearsal dinner, you can make it as casual and kind to your budget as you like. No one but you and your FI need to worry about those details. Depending on your ceremony and location, you might even find the entire dinner unnecessary.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

dianammobilio said:

My parents are giving us a very generous amount for our wedding that normally should cover all cost. Unfortunately my fiancée parents keep adding people to the guest list as well and things we need for the wedding (special meals, chuppah, personalized ceremony pieces etc) It's just too much. Our budget it close to going over at this point. Also we did not factor in the rehearsal dinner as he claimed his parents would pay but now they act like we have to just magically add it into our budget. The wedding is interfaith so we do have a lot of extra expenses in terms of ceremony pieces. How can I stay under budget without going crazy?

I agree with @mobkaz. Giving your FI's parents the option of paying gives them the chance to invite lots of people to your wedding under the pretence of them paying.

What you do is say, "Our budget allows us to allow you to invite X number of people. Please give us your list by X date, complete with names and addresses, so we may issue invitations. If you do not give us the list by then, we will not be able to invite them."

As far as the bolded -- what do you mean by "special meals" -- vegan/vegetarian/lactose free options? Those are things you should offer for your guests' dietary restrictions anyway. Preferring steak to chicken? Too damn bad.

If you're having an inter-faith ceremony, you and your FI need to sit down and figure out which elements you and he want (does he want a chuppah? do you?) and which are things his parents want.

Then you say to them, "Thank you for your input, we've made our decision about that." And then you bean dip them.

But yes -- they only get a say if they're paying. If they're not paying, they get to make no demands beyond reasonable requests (no flowers they're allergic to, for example).

PirateBarbie · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

dianammobilio said:

My parents are giving us a very generous amount for our wedding that normally should cover all cost. Unfortunately my fiancée parents keep adding people to the guest list as well and things we need for the wedding (special meals, chuppah, personalized ceremony pieces etc) It's just too much. Our budget it close to going over at this point. Also we did not factor in the rehearsal dinner as he claimed his parents would pay but now they act like we have to just magically add it into our budget. The wedding is interfaith so we do have a lot of extra expenses in terms of ceremony pieces. How can I stay under budget without going crazy?

I agree with @mobkaz. Giving your FI's parents the option of paying gives them the chance to invite lots of people to your wedding under the pretence of them paying.

What you do is say, "Our budget allows us to allow you to invite X number of people. Please give us your list by X date, complete with names and addresses, so we may issue invitations. If you do not give us the list by then, we will not be able to invite them."

As far as the bolded -- what do you mean by "special meals" -- vegan/vegetarian/lactose free options? Those are things you should offer for your guests' dietary restrictions anyway. Preferring steak to chicken? Too damn bad.

If you're having an inter-faith ceremony, you and your FI need to sit down and figure out which elements you and he want (does he want a chuppah? do you?) and which are things his parents want.

Then you say to them, "Thank you for your input, we've made our decision about that." And then you bean dip them.

But yes -- they only get a say if they're paying. If they're not paying, they get to make no demands beyond reasonable requests (no flowers they're allergic to, for example).

*should* ...really? how is choosing to eat vegetarian/vegan any different than people who prefer steak to chicken?

I'm going to assume that she's referring to people who keep Kosher because of their religion. If this applies to a significant portion of the guests, I don't see why this wouldn't be accommodated.

dharmabunny · November 2013

PirateBarbie said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

dianammobilio said:

My parents are giving us a very generous amount for our wedding that normally should cover all cost. Unfortunately my fiancée parents keep adding people to the guest list as well and things we need for the wedding (special meals, chuppah, personalized ceremony pieces etc) It's just too much. Our budget it close to going over at this point. Also we did not factor in the rehearsal dinner as he claimed his parents would pay but now they act like we have to just magically add it into our budget. The wedding is interfaith so we do have a lot of extra expenses in terms of ceremony pieces. How can I stay under budget without going crazy?

*should* ...really? how is choosing to eat vegetarian/vegan any different than people who prefer steak to chicken?

I'm going to assume that she's referring to people who keep Kosher because of their religion. If this applies to a significant portion of the guests, I don't see why this wouldn't be accommodated.

The difference being that Kosher, vegan and any food item accommodating food allergies require preparation on dedicated "clean" equipment, pots, pans, etc. Can't make that kosher vegan dinner in the pan used to fry bacon.

These aren't flip preferences for meal. These are deeply held convictions. Whether for health, religion, or ethical. Practically theres always the one accommodation does it all selection. Like the Kosher Vegan option, and just leave it at that one option, along with the usual selections.

bananasplit472001 · November 2013

The special meals are kosher meals for about 4 people that are distant family members of theirs. Our venue requires us to special order the meals and pay extra for all related shipping costs as they order from a company. We do not want to pay the shipping costs and believe giving a menu option, such as Salmon, would suffice since these are 3rd cousins of my fiancée.

It is true that his parents cannot make us do anything, but it is causing tensions with my parents as his parents are communicating their demands to my parents and I am caught in the middle. Which is why i created this thread.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

I mean that keeping Koshe or being vegan or vegetarian is a lifestyle/belief system choice and should be honoured, but that preferring steak to chicken is being picky.

Steak is more expensive than chicken, and if OP's FI's parents want the more expensive option, they can pay for it.

I know of no people who eat steak but don't eat chicken; I know of lots of people who eat chicken but not steak.

ETA: OP, having a 'salmon' option isn't going to be kosher and that's not going to work. But having a kosher vegan option will cover all your bases, and the vegetarians can just deal.

dramamonkey · November 2013

dianammobilio said:

The special meals are kosher meals for about 4 people that are distant family members of theirs. Our venue requires us to special order the meals and pay extra for all related shipping costs as they order from a company. We do not want to pay the shipping costs and believe giving a menu option, such as Salmon, would suffice since these are 3rd cousins of my fiancée.

It is true that his parents cannot make us do anything, but it is causing tensions with my parents as his parents are communicating their demands to my parents and I am caught in the middle. Which is why i created this thread.

To the bolded - It depends on how kosher they are - we invited very close family friends who are deeply orthodox. A salmon meal or even a vegan kosher meal would NOT be acceptable to them. Had they been able to attend our wedding next weekend (unfortunately they declined) we would have had to specially order two kosher plates from a kosher caterer that came wrapped on disposable plastic dishes with special utensils. The couple would have had to be able to break the seal on their meals themselves.

I have a few other guests who are less strict about keeping kosher and therefore prefer to eat vegetarian or fish when they're at events like this - avoiding the obvious non-kosher items. For them, it's about what THEY choose to eat, and they don't want to be obnoxious about it (not that the people mentioned above are obnoxious).

We were fortunate that my venue/caterer is in a very Jewish neighborhood and deals with this situation ALL the time (they're just down the road from the major Jewish funeral home in the Baltimore region). They work with the local kosher caterer and it wouldn't have cost us anything extra for these special meals - just the regular per person cost.

If your guests are like my family friends and extremely orthodox, it would be rude to not offer them a truly kosher meal if you invite them to the wedding. However, you can always cross that bridge when you get to it. They may not even come (but plan for the expense if you invite them).

dramamonkey · November 2013

Also - side note: Fiancee typically refers to a woman. Fiance (one e) is for a man.

thejucheidea · November 2013

The special meals are kosher meals for about 4 people that are distant family members of theirs. Our venue requires us to special order the meals and pay extra for all related shipping costs as they order from a company. We do not want to pay the shipping costs and believe giving a menu option, such as Salmon, would suffice since these are 3rd cousins of my fiancée.

I don't think you understand how kosher works. Like... I don't think you understand this at all.

orwhatuwill · November 2013

If we want to get technical, it's "fiancé" and "fiancée"

orwhatuwill · November 2013

Where are you at in the planning process?

Ask your caterer what your options are. Get a good understanding of the impact of the cost. Create some mock scenarios with that budget information and estimates of which folks may be interested in the "special" options. Readjust your budget around figures that seem realistic. If it feels really, really out of the realm of financial possibility, have an honest conversation with his family about it. They may be willing/able to help accommodate some of the increased cost(perhaps just the amount over the cost of the non-kosher meals) to help you and their son host their family well. Maybe not. I know there are a lot of strong feelings about asking for money on this site, but I do think there are times that it can be OK to ask for a little bit of help...I truly think it will be minimal.

Have invites gone out? I suspect that if you put "kosher meal" as an option, people who may not typically choose it, may. This is because many folks familiar with kosher food know it to be of a higher quality, particularly meat. With most guests unfamiliar with the specific venue and the quality of the food, they may feel more comfortable asking for kosher. Thus, I recommend leaving the options broad (ex. "beef", "chicken", "Vegan") and leaving space for "dietary restrictions and special needs".

I'd imagine that folks who truly keep kosher would indicate that on the line. Folks that waiver, will not indicate it. And you'll learn about other true needs like serious allergies, intolerances and diseases. A reputable caterer will have experience figuring out cost effective ways to accommodate this small group of people.

bananasplit472001 · February 2014

We have sorted this out and our venue will give us kosher meals, not the frozen dinner kind, at no additional cost to us. We also have gluten free, vegan and vegetarian guests that will be able to have options at our wedding. No invites have gone out at this time but guest will be asked for their options table-side instead of beforehand. Our chef is amazing and will make almost anything for any dietary need.

Fiancées parents won't contribute but have big demands!

Re: Fiancées parents won't contribute but have big demands!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards