Honoring a Loved One who has Passed on

Morganevenstar · February 2014

My FI's mother passed away when he was very young, and I would be grateful for suggestions of how we might honor her subtly on the day. FI would be sad and feel awkward if we made a big deal out of any mention, but I think it is sad and maybe a bit inappropriate to not give a nod to his mom in some small way.

I've ruled out donating money to a cancer charity as a favor. I have seen others mention absent loved ones on programs, but we are not having programs. FI is uncomfortable mentioning it during the ceremony, and he and his brother, who is BM, would think it too mawkish to mention in the BM speech (they are not an emotive family, bless them).

So I am a bit stuck for ideas...

Any thoughts?

kmmssg · February 2014

In all honesty, you take his lead here. If he is ok with not doing anything, that is EXACTLY what you should do. His mom, his memories, his emotions (not to mention his immediate family's too) so let his take the lead.

In all honesty I sometimes wish I hadn't done anything at my wedding for my parents. My dad died when I was 3 and my mom when I was 10. I was 36 when I married DH. I left their spots open in the front pew and put a rose on each seat. I was totally fine until I went to get the roses to give to my brothers (after everyone was out of the sanctuary) and I broke down like a baby, even after my dad being gone for 33 years and my mom for 26 years.

Your heart is in a really sweet place but you need to step back and follow his lead. When you said, "FI would be sad and feel awkward if we made a big deal out of any mention:" that pretty much tells me you should mind your own business on this. You don't know better than he does how to handle this.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

While it is very sweet that you want to honor your FI's mother in a subtle way, I would tread very carefully here. You don't need to honor her in a public, showy way for it to be meaningful. FI and I have both lost a parent, and we're not planning on doing anything obvious. We are having a bouquet for each of them (with no signage or indication of what they're for, but WE know) on the room with our guest book/escort cards/gift table. I am carrying my dad's cufflinks with my bouquet. FI will have his mother's wedding ring pinned inside his suit jacket. You could have your FI carry something of his mother's in his pocket. You could also play a song by an artist that she really enjoyed. Or serve a food that she was particularly fond of. Doing anything too demonstrative can can inadvertently bring sadness onto an otherwise joyous day because you don't know how someone else may become saddened.

Good luck!

JaxInBlue · February 2014

Agree with kmmssg. This is something for your FI to determine. If he doesn't want to do anything, or anything public, that should be entirely his decision, and, in my opinion, would be entirely appropriate if a tribute or recognition would make him uncomfortable. It's okay to want his wedding to remain a happy day.

We had a large arrangement of flowers at our ceremony and placed a sign next to them about the flowers signifying all of our family and friends who couldn't join us on our wedding day. We didn't list anyone individually but we knew for ourselves that this included deceased family members on both sides, DH's brother who has deployed at the time, and other absent friends. We didn't say anything about them publicly though. They were just there.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

Ask FI what he wants. That's what I did. FI's mom died when he was a teen after his folks divorced. His Dad remarried some years ago. We didn't want FSMIL uncomfortable, but we also wanted to honor his mom.

We have asked our officiant to acknowledge his mom and my grandma as people who cannot be with us physically during the ceremony. Additionally, I'll be wearing a ring of hers on my right hand as my "something borrowed." We're also setting up some photos of us growing up and together in the front hall- in the one of him in the pumpkin costume, his mom is in the background, wearing a Halloween mask, but still a subtle way of having her there.

We've also invited her parents (FI's maternal grandparents) to our RD, and I will be giving his grandma a corsage.

audubonbride2013 · February 2014

I agree with PPs. This is something your FI needs to decide. If he decides he wants to do something there are lots of subtle ways to honor his mother without anyone else even noticing.

I lost my grandparents during our engagement and we did a few subtle things to honor them. We held our reception at a country club where my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I wore one of my grandmom's garter and carried my other grandmom's necklace wrapped around my bouquet.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

I would let FI and his family decide this. Weddings are very emotional and the thought of his mother not being there may push him over the edge. If HE wants to do something, then keep it very small and personal. Wearing cuff links, a small pin or a favorite flower in the boutineer/boquet/centerpiece. No signage and no fanfare is the way to go, IF and ONLY IF the FI wants it done.

I understand that your heart is in the right place and that you are meaning well but everyone deals with death differently. Some people may not want to be reminded of it, and you need to respect that wish. Besides a wedding is one of the happiest days in your lives, why bring it down with some form of memorial to those who couldn't be there???

offthemarket915 · February 2014

I agree with PP about following your FI's lead. That said, you asked for suggestions so here is the best way I've seen this addressed, imo. One couple had a candle in a glass hurricane, which was engraved to say "In loving memory of so & so". It was subtle but a lovely gesture.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

My FI's mother passed too. I asked him what he wanted and he said "sunflowers as our wedding flowers", I laughed because our wedding is in December so that is not happening. But after talking it over with him a bit, I'm going to find a small charm to put a picture of him and his mom in and he is going to have it attached to his boutonniere so that she can be with him.

melbenso · February 2014

My FI's dad passed away several years ago. To honor him - and other family members of each of us who have passed away - we are going to play their favorite songs/songs that make us think of them as the pre-ceremony music. We plan to put a note in our programs saying the pre-ceremony music was chosen in honor of the family members who are no longer with us. But if you aren't doing programs, you could just do the music or something similar.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Let your FI and his family make the decision. If they aren't comfortable "giving her a nod," then accept that.

If they do decide to mention her in some way, subtlety is always best. Since you're not having a program (where you could have mentioned her), wearing or carrying something that belonged to or was associated with her or providing food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment that she would have enjoyed are all lovely ways to remember her that aren't too lugubrious.

KittyKaty20 · February 2014

OP, it sounds like you really want to honor your FIs mother, so I think you should...but if your FI doesn't want to do anything, then leave him out of it. (Don't jump on me yet, PPs!)

You can honor her privately, on your own, by offering a prayer of thanks while getting ready. Or, write her a lovely note and tuck it away in a special place. You could pin a tiny piece of ribbon in her favorite color (or the ribbon color associated with her cancer) on the inside of your wedding dress.

With the ideas above, YOU can quietly honor the woman who bore, loved, and shaped your FI into the man you love...while also honoring the wishes of your FI and his family. Your heart is in the right place, and I wish you all the best!

Morganevenstar · February 2014

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. They are very wise and I am very appreciative.

Honoring a Loved One who has Passed on

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