Groomsman passed away. what to do?

meandem1 · February 2014

My fiancee s brother passed away suddenly last month. We are getting married in September and he was to be a groomsman. We've discussed how to handle this but haven't come up with any real decision yet as its still very fresh and painful. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would give yourself more time to grieve before you decide anything. You can still list his brother as an honorary groomsman on the program. But other then that I wouldn't do too much in regards of a memorial for him at your wedding. Your guests will know what has happened (most will anyways) and having something will just bring up those feelings of loss an sadness which is not the tone you really want on your wedding day.

LAM524 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Can you clarify what it is you are trying to decide? Honoring him? Replacing him? Etc?

lc07 · February 2014

Ditto Maggie. I'm very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how difficult losing him is on you, your FI and your families.

Personally, I don't think I'd do anything regarding the wedding. Uneven bridal party sides are fine and very normal. (If for some reason you thought you needed to have the same number of bridesmaids as groomsmen- you don't.) If you're doing a program, I like Maggie's idea of still listing him as an honorary groomsmen. Other than that, I can't think of any changes that would need to occur in wedding planning?

meandem1 · February 2014

This helps. Yes I was thinking we needed to have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids so we were trying to decide whether to leave it as is or ask someone to stand in.This puts me at ease that we don't have to "replace" him. I really like the idea of listing him as an honorary groomsman. Thank you!

Jen4948 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's so sad.

I'd leave the number of groomsmen as is, since sides don't have to be even. I also like the idea of listing him as an honorary groomsman in a program if you are having one. Your FI might also wear or carry something belonging to or associated with the groomsman, and you could also provide food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment he would have especially enjoyed.

WildMagelet · February 2014

meandem1 said:

This helps. Yes I was thinking we needed to have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids so we were trying to decide whether to leave it as is or ask someone to stand in.This puts me at ease that we don't have to "replace" him. I really like the idea of listing him as an honorary groomsman. Thank you!

Definitely don't have to replace him! (Normally it's recommended against anyways.)

So sorry for your loss.

IAWPP about listing him in the program. Other than that I wouldn't make a point to bring it up at the wedding anyways (at least not publicly). People will be thinking about it regardless and you don't want people focusing on their grief.

lc07 · February 2014

meandem1 said:

This helps. Yes I was thinking we needed to have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids so we were trying to decide whether to leave it as is or ask someone to stand in.This puts me at ease that we don't have to "replace" him. I really like the idea of listing him as an honorary groomsman. Thank you!

You're welcome! And nope, totally stick to your gut instinct which is not to "replace" him. My husband and I had different numbers of wedding party members (I totally can't even remember how many he had?) just because we had a different number of VIP people in our lives. It was no big deal. Most weddings I attend these days have different numbers on each side.

sarahufl · February 2014

So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. Decide down the road what you want to do- you don't need to decide TODAY.

My cousin died after an awful battle with cancer a few years ago. She had 4 sisters, one of whom is getting married this spring. Cousin loved tulips, so her sisters are carrying tulips in the wedding. We will all know this is in memory of my cousin who passed away, but it isnt this big, overt thing. I think subtle is better but check with the family.

You are very kind and thoughtful to be thinking of this.

climbingsingle · February 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. That is terribly sad.

I agree that you shouldn't replace him and keep him as an honorary GM.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

I am sorry for your loss. I would od as Maggie suggested. List him as an honory groomsman and move forward with the plans exactly how they are. Anything to over the top will become a distraction and will make people feel sad on one of the happiest days in your lives.

kmmssg · February 2014

meandem1 said:

This helps. Yes I was thinking we needed to have an even number of groomsmen and bridesmaids so we were trying to decide whether to leave it as is or ask someone to stand in.This puts me at ease that we don't have to "replace" him. I really like the idea of listing him as an honorary groomsman. Thank you!

I am so very sorry for your loss. This is surely devastating for your FI and his family. THANK YOU for being a sensible, thoughtful bride in this. Thank you for letting go of the even sides idea (you would be shocked at how many brides won't let that go).

For now, just let everyone grieve and figure out how to keep going. When the time comes, you and FI can talk about listing him in the program. Please be sure his parents and the rest of the family is ok with what you do. As a mom of 5 grown kids (well, we use term losely with 18 you DS) I can't imagine the devastation FI and his family are going through.

Many warm hugs for you.

MyNameIsNot · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, honorary GM is a great idea. Replacing him is not.

For now, I would focus on grieving and getting through this time. There are some tasteful "memorial" things that you can incorporate into the wedding, but as the death will still be really fresh at the time of the wedding, you'll have to be careful about upsetting people.

We lit a special candle in honor of my late brother, but we were married 5 years after he'd passed away. It was still sad, but I don't think my mom would have been able to handle that 6 months after he died.

emilie250 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

StefA8 · February 2014

So so sorry for your loss. I've heard of leaving that spot open to honor that person. However, if you both feel like that would be too hard to handle you could always ask another friend and list the brother as an honorary groomsman in the program.

Jen4948 · February 2014

StefA8 said:

So so sorry for your loss. I've heard of leaving that spot open to honor that person. However, if you both feel like that would be too hard to handle you could always ask another friend and list the brother as an honorary groomsman in the program.

No, you can't replace bridesmaids and groomsmen.

lc07 · February 2014

Jen4948 said:

StefA8 said:

So so sorry for your loss. I've heard of leaving that spot open to honor that person. However, if you both feel like that would be too hard to handle you could always ask another friend and list the brother as an honorary groomsman in the program.

No, you can't replace bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Agreed. It is rude to the person being replaced. It says that they are replaceable, which they are not. And it's rude to the new person being asked since they are very clearly only being asked because someone else could not be there. Its telling them that they are second best and wanted as a filler. It's inappropriate.

StefA8 · February 2014

Alright - I wasn't telling her to replace the person - it was a suggestion if she felt it was what she wanted to do. And the only reason I suggested it - is because maybe it'll be too hard for them and the rest of the family to see that open spot - I didn't suggest it to be rude. I personally wouldn't replace the person - I would leave the spot open like I suggested in the beginning. Ultimately - it is their decision in the end.

lc07 · February 2014

StefA8 said:

Alright - I wasn't telling her to replace the person - it was a suggestion if she felt it was what she wanted to do. And the only reason I suggested it - is because maybe it'll be too hard for them and the rest of the family to see that open spot - I didn't suggest it to be rude. I personally wouldn't replace the person - I would leave the spot open like I suggested in the beginning. Ultimately - it is their decision in the end.

I think that unfortunately, no matter how many men are standing on the groom's side, they will be missing him being up there. They need not even leave a physical space open. They can stand together side by side, just without the brother.

Groomsman passed away. what to do?

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