Do we have to invite step-family? And must the paternal and maternal side of the family be equal?

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

Our wedding venue only holds 60 people, so Fi and I decided that we should have 20 people each of family, and 20 friends.

However, my problems are these;

First: My father has recently remarried. His new wife has four children, all of whom are married and with children. I've only met these children and their families once; at my father's wedding. Do I have to invite them anyway?

Secondly; I have five paternal cousins, all of which have partners. Because inviting them all would cut my family space in half, I have decided not to invite any of them. I haven't seen any of these cousins (or their parents) since the youngest's wedding, five years ago. I was planning on inviting all my paternal aunts and uncles (of which there are six) but this takes my family space to 2 people over. Now you might say; that's only two people, surely you can deal with only having 18 friends there; but I would rather have two close friends there than two people I haven't even heard from in 5 years. So, because I can't invite some of my paternal aunts and uncles and not others, I was going to cut them all. Yet here I run into another problem; I am inviting my five maternal aunts and uncles, and my four cousins to my wedding; we are all very close and I see them as often as I can. If my father finds out (as he will) that I'm inviting all maternal family and none of his family (excluding my brother, sister, new step-mother, grandmother and himself, of course) he will go ballistic. However, I'm 100% sure my father's youngest brother and his wife won't attend (they haven't been to any of my cousins weddings, or any of my father's since his first, and I live further away from him than all those weddings took place). So; can I invite my other four aunts and uncles, and just leave them out? Or; should I over-invite by two people?

melbenso · February 2014

My FI's mother is remarried. He has three adult step-siblings, each of whom has a spouse/significant other, and one of whom has two children. We are not inviting them to our wedding. FMIL just remarried about two years ago. While we like her step children, we are not particularly close to them. Neither FMIL or her husband expect us to invite them. (FMIL specifically told us not to.) If you/FI are not close to your step-siblings, there is no need to invite them, especially considering that you are having a smaller wedding with only close family and friends.

As for the aunts and uncles, I think that is a tough call. You should only invite the number of people that your venue can hold. Don't assume someone won't be able to make it. If someone surprises you and is able to come, you might face problems later. I suggest talking to your venue first. Is the 60 person limit a fire code issue/safety issue or just a venue preference? If it is the latter, could the room hold 62 if completely necessary? If there is no wiggle room with the venue on its capacity, talk to your parents and ask them what they think about the situation before making the invite decision that is going to cause the least drama and hurt feelings.

I am of the personal opinion that you should invite the people you are closest to to a wedding and I too would want to invite a close friend over a family member that I never see. But weigh your father's feelings against your friends' before making a final decision.

MairePoppy · February 2014

Unless your father is paying for the wedding, he has no say in the guest list. If your dad brings it up, tell him you're having an intimate wedding and are only inviting relatives that have kept in touch.

Jen4948 · February 2014

MairePoppy said:

Unless your father is paying for the wedding, he has no say in the guest list. If your dad brings it up, tell him you're having an intimate wedding and are only inviting relatives that have kept in touch.

This. I don't think you have to invite step-siblings you don't really know and have only met once, or cousins you have not been in touch with, but if your father is paying, you might have to make some concessions. I'd be prepared to be paying for it all, and let your father throw a fit, if you want to invite only those family members from his side that you want to invite.

MandyMost · February 2014

I've stated this before, but I, personally, think it's ridiculous to break up a guest list into even chunks like that. I don't think it makes any sense. If you both sit down and write a list of the "must have" guests at your wedding, maybe it won't be even at all. Maybe one list will be mostly friends and the other will be family. Who cares. It's not some kind of competition. If he only had 5 close family members and you have 30, why should he be inviting 15 random relatives, while you're cutting your nearest and dearest? Just talk about who you want to be there, and make that list. Then take any open spots and talk about who may be best to fill them--maybe they're relatives that could be invited just to "keep the peace" or maybe they're friends that you'd love to have there, but just weren't the closest people to you so they didn't make the first list.

pinkshorts27 · February 2014

MandyMost said:

I've stated this before, but I, personally, think it's ridiculous to break up a guest list into even chunks like that. I don't think it makes any sense. If you both sit down and write a list of the "must have" guests at your wedding, maybe it won't be even at all. Maybe one list will be mostly friends and the other will be family. Who cares. It's not some kind of competition. If he only had 5 close family members and you have 30, why should he be inviting 15 random relatives, while you're cutting your nearest and dearest? Just talk about who you want to be there, and make that list. Then take any open spots and talk about who may be best to fill them--maybe they're relatives that could be invited just to "keep the peace" or maybe they're friends that you'd love to have there, but just weren't the closest people to you so they didn't make the first list.

This 10000 times. I had no clue how many family vs. friends we are inviting. We made a list of the people we wanted there and who were closest to us, we discussed each one, made sure we didn't leave anyone out (invited in circles) and that is our list.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

blueeyes90 said:

MandyMost said:

I've stated this before, but I, personally, think it's ridiculous to break up a guest list into even chunks like that. I don't think it makes any sense. If you both sit down and write a list of the "must have" guests at your wedding, maybe it won't be even at all. Maybe one list will be mostly friends and the other will be family. Who cares. It's not some kind of competition. If he only had 5 close family members and you have 30, why should he be inviting 15 random relatives, while you're cutting your nearest and dearest? Just talk about who you want to be there, and make that list. Then take any open spots and talk about who may be best to fill them--maybe they're relatives that could be invited just to "keep the peace" or maybe they're friends that you'd love to have there, but just weren't the closest people to you so they didn't make the first list.

This 10000 times. I had no clue how many family vs. friends we are inviting. We made a list of the people we wanted there and who were closest to us, we discussed each one, made sure we didn't leave anyone out (invited in circles) and that is our list.

That's great that that has worked for you, but we tried that originally, and it failed horribly.

Inkdancer · February 2014

You definitely don't have to invite the step-fam.

With the aunts and uncles, I would talk to your FI and your dad. First of all, saying that FI gets 20 and you get 20 doesn't take family size into account. If my FI could only have invited 20 people from his family, we would have hurt a heck of a lot of feelings, and I can't scrape together 10 who I want to invite from my family. Talk to your FI and see if there's some wiggle room. If both of you have families well over 20, you might want to look into a different location so you can really invite everyone you want. If your FI ends up inviting fewer than 20, your problem was just solved.

Once you and FI talk, talk to your dad. Let him know that you have very limited space, and you want to invite only people who are close to you and FI as a couple. See what he thinks about how to handle it. He may have a perspective you haven't thought of yet.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

The better process would be to write a list of the people you absolutely want to have at your wedding and then find a venue that can accommodate that number of people.

LadyMorvenMacBeth · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The better process would be to write a list of the people you absolutely want to have at your wedding and then find a venue that can accommodate that number of people.

Yeah, but the problem isn't that the venue doesn't hold the number of people we want there; the problem is there are people we DON'T want there, but 'should' be invited.

Plus, we've already paid for the venue in full.

phira · February 2014

Yeah, I don't get why you'd book a venue that could only hold 60 people if you clearly want to invite more than 60 people.

If you're set on this venue, or stuck with this venue:

1) You totally don't have to invite your father's wife's family. I'm not inviting my mom's boyfriend's family (well, I'd actually love to invite his youngest daughter, but I've never met his other kids and don't want to just invite one). Even if you weren't dealing with the venue restrictions, you don't need to invite them.

2) I'm not going to tell you how to deal with your family's politics; I don't know anything about them, and everyone has different priorities and tolerances when it comes to upsetting family membrs. Basically: it IS okay to just invite your maternal aunts, uncles, and cousins, who you see all the time and are close to, and not your paternal aunts, uncles, and cousins, who you rarely see. But what I mean is that it's okay from an etiquette standpoint; I don't know what it would mean if your father were to go "ballistic" about it.

That being said, I STRONGLY recommend against courtesy invitations. I know that it's tempting to invite his siblings out of obligation, and then send invitations to your friends when your aunts and uncles decline. Please don't do this. Make your decision to either invite your dad's family and two fewer friends, or to cut his family and invite the people you really want to invite. Like I said, I don't know what it would mean if your dad went ballistic about it (would he just be pissy all day? Would he disown you? There's a huge range). You can also talk to your dad about it and let him know what's stressing you out.

3) PLEASE check with your venue about the limit. It might not be 60 guests: it might be 60 humans, including you, your partner, and your vendors (which would mean more like 55 guests instead of 60).

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

You did it backwards. The guest list comes first, both wants and obligations, then you find a venue that fits your list and budget. So, you need a new venue. If you can't get your money back, you either eat that payment (very fishy that they made you pay in full already) or piss off your relatives. You take on the consequences of your poor planning.

And no one gets to decide the guest list if they aren't paying. If there's fallout, then it's on your for not planning appropriately.

LadyMorvenMacBeth · February 2014

If you've picked a venue you knew would be too small, you're going to have to deal with your father's anger that you can't invite all his siblings, simple as that.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

1. If you're paying you get full control over the guest list, and you can invite whoever you want. It is easier to invite in clear circles, but is not necessary. If asked, you just say that "you couldn't invite everyone" and bean dip from there.

2. Make sure you venue is 60 guests. You (the couple) would count as two people and your vendors will probably count towards the fire code maximum. Please double check this before you go any further. There was just a post about how someone messed this up and now has to uninvite people...

3. Always plan on 100% attendance...always. How would you like to be invited to a wedding and then turned away at the door (after getting dressed up, making the trip, picking out a gift, etc) and then be told that the venue is full and you can't get in!

4. Does your FI have "two extra" openings on "his side" that you could use for your family. I don't understand the concept of you get x and I get x. My FI's family is huge compared to mine, and he has more friends too! But that in no way dictated how many seats we got. I let him add all of his aunts, uncles and cousins while I inivited the relatives that I speak with (I have cousin's and aunt's I've never met/met once at my grandfather funeral). Our numbers are way lopsidede but I don't care! I wanted him to have everyone he wanted to have.

I think you need re-evaluate your plans. If you won't give up/can't give up your venue then you need to work with the guest list and make it work.

For the lurkers...this is why we say start with budget, then guest list, then venue!

[Deleted User] · February 2014

skip paternal, maternal & step titles. Fill those 60 slots first with people who are important with you & that you would be sad not to have there on your special day. Once you have those people taken care of, then focus on the other guest.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

I agree with everyone else: you should have figured out who to invite then pick the venue. We picked our venue before we had the final guest list, but our venue can hold more than twice as many people than we are inviting. It's fine to say " I want to stay around 60 people" but then you should have found a venue that holds 100 people so you have wiggle room. Also, I hope you are inviting everyone's SO!

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

I greatly appreciate you all taking your time to actually answer me, but telling me that I should have looked at my guest list before my venue is completely useless to me as we have already done it. To be honest, we would have booked the same venue even if it was only able to hold 20 people, or even just 6.

However, I double checked with the venue and they have space for 60 seated guests plus space for another 10 people standing (i.e. the celebrant, attendants and us) so I actually have more space that I expected. So, I have enough space for all of my paternal aunts and uncles, and it's pretty much sorted.

huskypuppy14 · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:

I greatly appreciate you all taking your time to actually answer me, but telling me that I should have looked at my guest list before my venue is completely useless to me as we have already done it. To be honest, we would have booked the same venue even if it was only able to hold 20 people, or even just 6.

However, I double checked with the venue and they have space for 60 seated guests plus space for another 10 people standing (i.e. the celebrant, attendants and us) so I actually have more space that I expected. So, I have enough space for all of my paternal aunts and uncles, and it's pretty much sorted.

The advice isn't just for you but for other brides who are lurking. It may be useless for you at this time, but other people may be helped in the future. Everyone's advice was appropriate; it's not our fault you didn't like it.

MuttiSigyn · February 2014

laurynm84 said:

MuttiSigyn said:

I greatly appreciate you all taking your time to actually answer me, but telling me that I should have looked at my guest list before my venue is completely useless to me as we have already done it. To be honest, we would have booked the same venue even if it was only able to hold 20 people, or even just 6.

However, I double checked with the venue and they have space for 60 seated guests plus space for another 10 people standing (i.e. the celebrant, attendants and us) so I actually have more space that I expected. So, I have enough space for all of my paternal aunts and uncles, and it's pretty much sorted.

The advice isn't just for you but for other brides who are lurking. It may be useless for you at this time, but other people may be helped in the future. Everyone's advice was appropriate; it's not our fault you didn't like it.

You are right of course, I'm sure the advice will be useful in the future; all I said that was it wasn't useful to me.

"It's not my/our fault you didn't like it?" Why do people always say this? I didn't dislike the advice, it's very good advice, it's was just absolutely useless (to me) given my current situation. And since I was the one who originally asked the question, I feel I should be allowed to say that. The question was, indeed, about my situation.

phira · February 2014

Calling advice "useless" carries the connotation that you didn't like it. We get that you can't go back in time and unbook the venue. Like @laurynM84 is pointing out, the advice is also for people who are lurking, or non-lurkers who haven't booked yet and might have faced a similar situation.

You're allowed to call the advice useless. But you're complaining a lot about how we shouldn't have posted useless advice. Just like you're allowed to post that you think the advice is useless, we're ALLOWED to post such advice.

cowgirl8238 · February 2014

MuttiSigyn said:

I greatly appreciate you all taking your time to actually answer me, but telling me that I should have looked at my guest list before my venue is completely useless to me as we have already done it. To be honest, we would have booked the same venue even if it was only able to hold 20 people, or even just 6.

However, I double checked with the venue and they have space for 60 seated guests plus space for another 10 people standing (i.e. the celebrant, attendants and us) so I actually have more space that I expected. So, I have enough space for all of my paternal aunts and uncles, and it's pretty much sorted.

Is this capactiy for just the ceremony or the entire event? You will need/want a place to sit if this is where your reception is too!!!! If not then carry on.

MuttiSigyn · March 2014

cowgirl8238 said:

MuttiSigyn said:

I greatly appreciate you all taking your time to actually answer me, but telling me that I should have looked at my guest list before my venue is completely useless to me as we have already done it. To be honest, we would have booked the same venue even if it was only able to hold 20 people, or even just 6.

However, I double checked with the venue and they have space for 60 seated guests plus space for another 10 people standing (i.e. the celebrant, attendants and us) so I actually have more space that I expected. So, I have enough space for all of my paternal aunts and uncles, and it's pretty much sorted.

Is this capactiy for just the ceremony or the entire event? You will need/want a place to sit if this is where your reception is too!!!! If not then carry on.

It's just for the ceremony. The reception hold 80 people, I think. Might be more.

Do we have to invite step-family? And must the paternal and maternal side of the family be equal?

Re: Do we have to invite step-family? And must the paternal and maternal side of the family be equal?

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