You are my people

lllliiiinnnnzzzz · January 2014

Level-headed. Cynical. Reasonable. But you also, presumably, are married or on the way to being married without getting so irritated by the whole process ("it's $9/head to add coffee, and of course there's the 20% service charge and 10% tax on every item...") every time you try to find a venue or caterer that it's 7 months into the engagement and you're still figuratively covering your ears shouting LALALALA every time your mother or friend wants you to pick something already.

Give me your wisdom, people. How do you start this maddening, supposed-to-be (and hopefully, potentially) enjoyable process without throwing common sense out the window?

Inkdancer · January 2014

Step 1: Have a dreaming day. Spend all day flipping through magazines, cutting out every single thing you like. Pin everything you've ever thought was cool. Ignore the pricetag.

Step 2: Figure out your actual budget. Not "I can have a $400 dress" but "I can afford to spend $X total." This number is hardlined. No budging. ETA: If anyone promises to give you money, do not count it until you have it. (If they say "hey we will pay for the caterer then they get to help set your catering budget and you ask them to put down the deposit. Never agree to be reimbursed by these people, because stuff happens.)

Step 3: Talk to FI about exactly who has to be there in his opinion. If he wants to invite everyone he's ever known and you want to invite your best friend and that's it, y'all need to have a serious discussion about what you really can do and want. Use the top number you come up with (i.e. If we invite all the people we want, we will have 125 guests) for estimates down the line. Much better when budgeting to find that you have room to spare than to suddenly realize you forgot about all of your sorority sisters.

Step 4: Go from there. I highly recommend The Knot's budgeter as a general guideline for what you can afford. It gave me very realistic breakdowns of what I could expect to spend on each individual item. Some things I scrapped (like a band) some things I spent much less on (wearing family jewelry instead of buying new) and some I splurged (used the videographer amount to just get a better photog).

Tackle one thing at a time. Think about just venues, just photographers, or just flowers on any given day. Take one day a week to not think about your wedding at all. Keep going on dates with your FI to remember why you want to marry that person in the first place. Remember that no matter what your family says you must do, as long as you are following etiquette then you're good to go. Remember that at the end of the day, the goal is to be married to the person you love, and everything else is, as they say, icing on the cake.

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

What @Inkdancer said!

Decide your budget- DON'T GO INTO DEBT FOR A WEDDING, marriage is work, no need to add extra financial pressure

Work with your FI to come up with your guest list (roughly, make sure to get list from FILs and your parents; you'd be surprised at how many people they often try to add). This is also when you should figure out if you want a big blowout celebration, or a smaller, intimate gathering... or somewhere in between.

Choose your budget priorities. (Note: Guest comfort is always a priority if you are having guests)

When looking at venues, make sure that you you will have:

-A seat for every butt

-Food appropriate for the time of day (Don't blow budget on an amazing venue, people won't care where you're getting married if you're only providing light apps at a mealtime.)

-Talk bar. What can you afford to host? Can you host top shelf? Can you just host beer and wine? Would you, your FI, and anyone helping to contribute (if they offer) prefer a dry wedding? Also make sure you ask about the bar policy. Providing drinks (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) is part of basic hospitality and should be included in your budget.

-If you are having a church ceremony, will the venue allow you to come in at a time so that there will be not gap? If you are not having a church ceremony, consider having your ceremony near the reception- it often is cheaper and leads to basically zero gap time.

If you're willing to, being flexible on a date is helpful. It could allow you to move your wedding to off-season if you're needing to cut back on costs. For example, we decided to have our wedding in November- so we are able to get our venue costs, which include linens, DOC, china, silverware, etc. for 2/3 of what it would have originally cost us.

And when in doubt:

erinlin25 · February 2014

you will drive yourself crazy if you overlook or overthink, so as PPs suggested, make the budget and prioritize your wants and needs. Once you make a decision check it off. If you are a person who can keep looking at other things and not change your mind then great; but if you think it will make you over think and change your mind stop looking!! I usually can be indecisive but with the wedding I focused on one thing at a time; made my decision and moved on. It was much less overwhelming than trying to look at 3 things at once.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

Honestly? Watching a lot of wedding related stuff on TLC- I'd rather have a wedding in a dirty pig pen wearing a potato sack than act like those people.

I also have a crapload of time to do stuff, and am starting by learning about/talking about etiquette on TK. I'd rather be figuring out the do's and don'ts now than when I'm already stressing over stuff.

wajohnson09 · February 2014

Everything from PP's.

I'm in the midst of planning, a few ideas:

Start with rough guest list to figure the budget. Don't look at stuff until the budget has been determined, this will keep you from falling in love with something wayyyy too expensive.

As mentioned earlier, looking at off season is a really easy way to cut costs. Friday and Sunday weddings also tend to be cheaper. Our Friday night catering minimum is 1/2 of the Saturday night minimum.

After you've budgeted for proper etiquette (PP-seating, food, drink etc) make 3 lists with your FI- 1. Splurge (for us this is photog) 2. Cut corners/ things that are a lower priority (cupcakes or sheet cakes, cut down floral costs using costco fresh flowers or silk flowers) 3. Would be nice, but not necessary (if we have extra $ left or our parents volunteer to chip in might do videographer, chair covers, or drape the ceiling, but if we don't have this stuff we won't regret it)

Remember all you need to get married is an officiant, you, your FI, the license and a witness. You don't need that insanely overpriced aisle runner or unity candle/sand/knot tying ceremony or alcohol at the reception to get married.... That perspective keeps me from going overboard

Eta: I'm sleepy and have terrible grammar

offthemarket915 · February 2014

Some good advice above. My take... do your research and then be decisive. Get a good planner/ book and stay organized. In my experience, it's only as complicated / dramatic as you make it.

Good luck!

zitiqueen · February 2014

Vegas.

Best decision we ever made.

mulloyas · February 2014

Lots of great advice already given but I think having a budget outlined early is really important. TK has a good tool but I wanted even more detail and customization so I created a spreadsheet in Google Docs. This made my budget accessible wherever I needed it and gave me the ability to share it with my parents who are paying for most of the wedding.

I also think delegating the things you don't care as much about to a wedding planner, your fiance, or a close family/friend who's willing to help is a good idea. A few months ago I was starting to get really frustrated planning our rehearsal dinner and transportation so my mom jumped in and volunteered to make calls, get info, and ultimately book the event. I would just make sure you trust this person and fill them in on budget and any preferences you may have.

Lastly, give yourself plenty of time and make "due dates". If you want something booked by the end of April, start doing your research in February/March so you can weed out vendors who don't fit your budget and narrow the options down to your top contenders. The worst thing is to feel rushed in your decisions, that's when buyer's remorse and stress kicks in.

Best of luck!

FiancB · February 2014

Great advice here.

Don't go shopping for too long or at too many places or you'll be totally overwhelmed. Studies show that people are actually more satisfied when they have fewer choices. Check out 3ish venues, dress shops, florists, etc and stop and make a decision or you'll drive yourself crazy. I tried on so many dresses my head was spinning and I was so nervous I'd made the wrong decision up til my dress showed up again- and then I fell in love with it again.

Don't divulge too much info. I now really wish I hadn't told my parents a damn thing about my plans. Someone is going to take issue with SOMETHING you're doing and you'll save yourself a lot of drama. Plus that way people will be surprised, and see your vision rather than second guess what they're imagining up to the wedding.

Remember it's just one day. So it's not worth blowing your budget and going into debt over. It's not worth losing friends or family over. It's not even really worth stressing significantly over. I think we all get caught up at some point and feel the pressure to have THE BEST WEDDING EVER. But even if absolutely everything else goes wrong, if you get that license signed at the end of the day it was a success.

lllliiiinnnnzzzz · February 2014

Thanks again all-- some combination of all of the above have been helpful! I

1) delegated to my mom. She has more time, is in the city of the wedding, and her interest in getting the family together is one of the main reasons we're not eloping;

2) researched non-wedding event prices to reassure myself my budget was reasonable. A gastropub does events at about $40 a head for food and only a nominal space rental (whose capacity turned out to be a smidge too small), so that confirms my desire to pay $1500 for the space and $45/ head pre-taxes for dinner is doable; and

3) appreciate all of your advice about food-- I'd love to do just heavy appetizers because I think seated meals can drag the mood down, but since several of you suggested it was tacky I scrapped that.

Lastly, I think you all gave me some good perspective. I never imagined myself as very persuaded by the wedding industry, but I'm realizing that just having a wedding for 100 people and not wanting it at a hotel/banquet hall, or with plastic cups, or more than 20 minutes outside the city, IS a "fancy" wedding, and that I might have to part with some of those preferences.

You are my people

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