Maid of honor/bridesmaid problem

Re: Maid of honor/bridesmaid problem

• [Deleted User] member

  

  February 2014

  The beauty of having best friends is that you can grow or move apart and then when you are back in contact it's like nothing happened!  It sounds to me like you would regret not having her in your wedding party.  If she is concerned about money and time constraints, those are issues for her to bring up, not for you to decide for her.  If she is only able to make the trip for the wedding date, that's okay! She can be there for you throughout the process without physically being there.

  Report2 Reply
• christin83 member

  

  February 2014

  i dont think you have to cut her out completely.  you have a few options....you could have her be a bridesmaid in which she wouldnt have quite so many expenses as the MOH and you could ask her to give a toast as well.  my best friend is my MOH but i am way closer with my little sis so i was going to maybe bring that idea up to her about also giving a toast. another thing you could do is have 2 MOH's.  that way the costs will be split and you have someone closer to you for all the things that you will need your MOH there for.  the last thing you could do, but it doesnt seem like this would be one that you would like so much, is to have her still be the MOH...with the idea that your other bridesmaids will really be doing a bulk of the MOH work.  hope this helps!! i would say pick who you really want, not based on the money/traveling issue.  it will make you happier in the long run!
  

  Report0 Reply
• JaxInBlue member

  

  February 2014 edited February 2014

  Please don't reconsider her place in your bridal party because of money and distance.  Since you've already talked to her about being part of your day, and she said she'd do whatever she can, I think it's best to let her steer the conversation about what she can do.
  
  Keep in mind that your bridal party doesn't have any responsibilities beyond being there to stand up with you on your wedding day.  You and your FI are really the ones responsible for DIY projects, tastings, scoping out sites, meeting with potential vendors - unless someone else volunteers to help.  Whether or not someone can help, though, should not factor into whether or not they are part of your bridal party.
  
  Some things you can do: think creatively about attire.  Pick a color and length for dresses and let each one of your attendants purchase her own.  This can help tremendously with budgets.  Don't worry about matching shoes, hair, make up or jewelry.  Set aside expectations that showers or bachelorette parties have to be a certain way, or even have to happen at all. 
  
  FWIW, my sister was my MOH.  She was applying to and attending grad school around the time of my wedding as well as living out of state from both me and our hometown where the wedding was.  We talked a lot, shared photos, and she helped others plan my shower, but most of the work was done by DH, his mom, my mom and me.  Now that I'm here MOH, and we're still in three states, we're doing the same thing - lots of texting and photo sharing, and while I'm happy to work with her bridesmaids to help with her shower, I am not able to be there for her tasting (today!), her dress fitting (tomorrow!) or other planning-type things.  But she knows I'll be there for her on the day she gets married - and that I'm more than happy to listen now.
  
  You should pick your bridal party based on who you want to honor for being an important part of your life.  If that friend is one of the those people, have her regardless of any other criteria.
  
  ETA: Missing words n stuff
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• doeydo member

  

  February 2014

  JaclyneD said:

  Please don't reconsider her place in your bridal party because of money and distance.  Since you've already talked to her about being part of your day, and she said she'd do whatever she can, I think it's best to let her steer the conversation about what she can do.
  
  Keep in mind that your bridal party doesn't have any responsibilities beyond being there to stand up with you on your wedding day.  You and your FI are really the ones responsible for DIY projects, tastings, scoping out sites, meeting with potential vendors - unless someone else volunteers to help.  Whether or not someone can help, though, should not factor into whether or not they are part of your bridal party.
  
  Some things you can do: think creatively about attire.  Pick a color and length for dresses and let each one of your attendants purchase her own.  This is help tremendously with budgets.  Don't worry about matching shoes, hair, make up or jewelry.  Set aside expectations that showers or bachelorette parties have to be a certain way, or even have to happen at all. 
  
  FWIW, my sister was my MOH.  She was applying to and attending grad school around the time of my wedding as well as living out of state from both me and our hometown where the wedding was.  We talked a lot, shared photos, and she helped others plan my shower, but most of the work was done by DH, his mom, my mom and me.  Now that I'm here MOH, and we're still in three states, we're doing the same thing - lots of texting and photo sharing, and while I'm happy to work with her bridesmaids to help with her shower, I am not able to be there for her tasting (today!), her dress fitting (tomorrow!) or other planning-type things.  But she knows I'll be there for her on the day she gets married - and that I'm more than happy to listen now.
  
  You should pick your bridal party based on who you want to honor for being an important part of your life.  If that friend is one of the those people, have her regardless of any other criteria.
  

  This, I think PP typo-ed though so I fixed it. 

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  February 2014

  Are you being ridiculous? 

  
  

  YES. 

  
  

  WTF cares if she doesn't live close by. Your MOH and BMs are not your slaves. They're not required to help you plan your wedding in any way. All they need to do is show up the day of the wedding. 

  It sounds like this girl is your best friend, Ask her. 

  Report3 Reply
• manateehugger member

  

  February 2014

  What? I don't understand you at all. I've been a long distance bridesmaid a couple of times. Our wedding is in the Midwest, and I've got bridesmaids in different countries right now. It's not a big deal.

  
  

  Why wouldn't you ask her? You talk to her regularly and love catching up with her and want her there. 

  

  Report1 Reply
• JaxInBlue member

  

  February 2014

  @doeydo Thanks!  Fixed in the original now too!
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  February 2014

  carmellahaha said:

  My very best friend and I have lost touch over the years. She moved out of state and I haven't seen her in years and we only talk on the phone about once a month. Although, when we do talk, I still feel as connected to her as I did when we were teenagers. I feel like she understands me more than anyone else and I really want her to be my maid of honor. I approached her with the idea of being in my wedding to see if she would even consider it-- she is unemployed and struggling, and she has 3 small children who take up ALL of her time. She seemed interested and said she would do whatever she can, but at the same time I could tell she was concerned with money Then don't pick out a dress that she needs to wear.  Let her pick whatever dress she wants to provided it is in the color you choose, and don't dictate shoes, hair, or make up unless you pay for those things.  and coming back to our home state whenever I needed her. You won't need her until the day of your wedding. . . maybe the rehearsal the night before.  I understand she doesn't have to be here with me all of the time-- that she can just show up the day of the wedding-- but selfishly, I want more from a maid of honor and a bridesmaid. I want her to be a part of everything and I think it would hurt me more if she did nothing but show up on my wedding day.  Well this is something you will just have to get over if you really love her and you want her to be a part of your wedding.  Your bridal party is not obligated in any way to help you plan your wedding, do DIY projects, etc.  So while you might like for them to be there with you and to help you, if you manage your expectations and get this out of your mind you will all be happier in the long run.  I have a few close friends who are all within 20 minutes of me that would be there for me and be great bridesmaids but I'll feel weird if on my wedding day I look out and see my best friend sitting in the crowd.  Again, stop thinking about your bridal party in terms of who can help you do crap and start thinking of them as the most important people in the world to you, so important that you want them to stand up with you on your wedding day. Emotionally I want her to be in my wedding no matter what. OK, then ask her to be your MOH. But practically and logically I just don't think it's a possibility. That's for her to worry about, not you.  So I guess my questions are, how do I tell her she's not a part of my day?  You don't.  It's a very insensitive thing to do, especially when you already asked her to be your MOH and especially when the only reason you don't want her to be so anymore is because you don't think she will be able to be at your beck and call to plan and do pre wedding crap.  Think about it.  That is dumb rationale.  I know she will understand. A little hurt, but she'll understand. Is there any way I could still include her without making her feel pressure money/time wise? First you ask her what her budget for a dress is.  Second you give her the option of choosing any dress she wants provided it is in the correct color.  Third you don't dictate what shoes she wears, or how she does her hair and makeup.  Fourth you get over this idea that she has to be present for anything other than the wedding ceremony and reception, and you are thankful and surprised if she is able to show up to showers or bachlorette parties. I would love for her to give a toast considering she's known me the longest and knows me best, but is it extremely abnormal to have someone not in the bridal party give a toast?  It;s bad form to ask ppl to give a toast in your honor.  A toast is something that should be offered by the person, if they want to give one.  And finally, am I just being ridiculous?  Yes, you are. Should I have her in the wedding? YES YES YES!  Like I said I haven't seen her in years and we talk about once a month. I know I'm rambling!! I'm making myself crazy. Thanks for the advice and please, be gentle. Some people on these boards can be so judgmental. This is my one and only wedding-- I'm not sure of anything yet!
  

  Step away from the Pinterest and KNot.com bridal party task lists, turn of the wedding reality TV shows, and take a deep breath!  Then ask your best friend to be in your bridal party and see how it plays out from there.
  
  Don't stress, it will all be fine.  Enjoy your engagement!
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• delujm0 member

  

  February 2014

  I don't feel like this post is real - there's too much wrong with it.  But in the event that it is real...

   

  OP, you know it's selfish to expect your MOH and BMs to do anything other than show up on your wedding day in their dresses, yet you would be hurt if they only fulfilled their basic obligations?  Get over yourself.  This poor woman is out of work with three children to support - you are not her first priority, and you shouldn't be. If she was really your best friend, you would want her standing next to you on your wedding day regardless of what activities she had been involved in beforehand.

   

  "Logistically" as long as she's able to travel to your wedding, there's no reason that she can't be a BM or your MOH.  Also, you do not assign toasts to people, are you kididng me?  People offer to do them for you because they love you.

   

  If you take a step back and realize that you are acting insane, and of COURSE your best friend should be your MOH, you should just be cautious about demands on her time and any expensive activities.  Make sure you ask her for her dress budget before selecting a BM dress (or better yet - just give her a color and length and let her shop for herself within her budget).  If she is unable to afford the dress, personally, I would buy it for her so that she can participate.  And don't expect her to travel to showers or bachelorette parties or anything like that.  Just be happy that she is able to come to your wedding.

   

  If you decide to not ask her, no, you should not explain that to her.  You just don't ask her to participate and she'll get it.  It's extremely rude to be like "now i'm going to list off all of the reasons that you're not good enough to be in my wedding party."  It's insulting.

   

  Also, you can't ask for advice on an online forum and then dictate to people how to respond to you.  Many of us here are very blunt, which is what most people need to hear.  I'm sorry if you feel bullied.  But the advice here is good.

  Report0 Reply
• antoto member

  

  February 2014

  Unless you are doing a MASSIVE amount of DIY you probably wont really need/want a ton of help from people.  I've done nearly all the planning myself, despite both my MOHs and many of my BM being in the area.  I've also gone to dress fittings by myself.  None of these things killed me.  3 of my BM are out of state and were not able to come to my shower and I will probably only see them the day before the wedding, but it doesn't matter!  It hasn't harmed me and I am just pleased that a ton of my best friends get to spend my wedding with me.  

  
  

  The point of a wedding is the wedding, not the wedding planning.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Love_Cam member

  

  February 2014

  My MOH is in New York City- I'm in Texas. I know that she won't be able to come to every single thing, I'm actually going dress shopping this weekend and she won't be there, but your wedding isn't the point of your friendship. You're friends because you want to be friends and all the cheesey stuff, not because when you get married you want someone to be there to stuff envelopes with you.

  
  

  If you really still want more from a bridesmaid then consider asking her to read something at the wedding. That way she can still be involved.

  

  Report0 Reply
• cowgirl8238 member

  

  February 2014

  All your friend needs to do is show up on the wedding day int he dress sober and smiling.  So by all means ask her to be in your WP.

  My friend is currently living in Hiawaii and is travelling to PA as a BM in my wedding.  I asked her to be a BM and told her no pressure with the travelling.  SHE joked back "either way I'm buying a dress and flying out to see you!"  I was so happy I almost cried!

  Report0 Reply
• MyNameIsNot member

  

  February 2014

  Expecting any of your WP to help with wedding planning or to be "a part of everything" is selfish and a recipe for disaster.

  
  

  If she's your closest friend, she should be your MOH.  Your FI should be the one you plan your wedding with.  

  Report0 Reply
• BMoreBride6 member

  

  February 2014

  christin83 said:

  i dont think you have to cut her out completely.  you have a few options....you could have her be a bridesmaid in which she wouldnt have quite so many expenses as the MOH There aren't any MOH expenses other than the dress and any travel costs (aka the same as the BM costs) and you could ask her to give a toast as well.  my best friend is my MOH but i am way closer with my little sis Then why isn't your sister your MOH? so i was going to maybe bring that idea up to her about also giving a toast. another thing you could do is have 2 MOH's.  that way the costs will be split again, there aren't any extra MOH costs and you have someone closer to you for all the things that you will need your MOH there for while it can be fun to have friends around for certain things, there is nothing you NEED your MOH for except to show up at the wedding on time, in the dress, and to stand next to you.  the last thing you could do, but it doesnt seem like this would be one that you would like so much, is to have her still be the MOH...with the idea that your other bridesmaids will really be doing a bulk of the MOH work there isn't any MOH work to do.  hope this helps!! i would say pick who you really want, not based on the money/traveling issue.  it will make you happier in the long run!
  

  just had to clarify a few things
  

  Report0 Reply