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Not MOH

mrstimgrimmrstimgrim member
Fourth Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Party
I have known my bestfriend forever. We grew up together since before kindergarden. I found out the other day that I am not her MOH. Her sister is not it either. Its her new friend that she has know for maybe five years. How do I take this? I am so hurt by it. Now I feel second best. She still wants me to be a bridesmaid but I feel I'm too hurt to. She calls me and two other girls her best friends when I thought I was the only one. Am I being way childish about this ?
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Re: Not MOH

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was not my BFF's MOH and it didn't change anything.  Just be happy for her and be a BM if you want to.  Don't let on to the bride how upset you are that you aren't her MOH.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I second that you are being very childish. Bff's are for grade school.
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  • jneen101jneen101 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    mrstimgrim said:
    I have known my bestfriend forever. We grew up together since before kindergarden. I found out the other day that I am not her MOH. Her sister is not it either. Its her new friend that she has know for maybe five years. How do I take this? I am so hurt by it. Now I feel second best. She still wants me to be a bridesmaid but I feel I'm too hurt to. She calls me and two other girls her best friends when I thought I was the only one. Am I being way childish about this ?
    Call her and tell her you find it inappropriate to select a maid of honor she has not known for five or more years.  Honestly what is she thinking?!?
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2014
    I do think you are being childish about this. I've known my best friend for years, we went to elementary school together, played sports together, basically did everything together. But we've also grown up, moved away, met new people, and are at different stages in life. I still love her and I know she will always be in my life but I also have friends that I am closer to because of where I am in life right now.

    And I know this is hard to hear - but sometimes we have a friend we consider closer than they consider us.

    But in the end it's just a title, that doesn't really mean that much. You are still a bridesmaid, she still obviously considers you one of her best friends. This is not something worth being upset about.


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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, I am pretty sure jneen101 was being sarcastic.  To do so would be terribly rude and it is none of your business who she chooses to be her MOH.  It does not matter how long she has known any one member of the WP.  You should be honoured to be a BM, not being jealous and upset that you aren't "#1".
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  • Vivandiere8Vivandiere8 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    Don't you think that saying you wouldn't be in the wedding party because you didn't get to be the maid of honor would be showing you aren't really such a good friend to her after all? True best friends will find a way to get over their feelings of jealousies, and rejoice in their friend's joy. It would be sad if one day we all saw your friend posting on here about how one of her best friends became distant after she asked her to be one of her bridesmaids, and then said she didn't want to be in the wedding party at all because she wasn't the maid of honor. Don't be that girl. Be a true friend.
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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    The length of friendship doesn't define the depth of friendship. I can see where it would be hurtful to realize you are closer to someone than they are to you. But if you love her you will be there for her in any way you can.
    My MOH will be my friend that I have known the least amount of time of all my BM's. I love all of my BM's and they all mean a lot to me. Their friendship is soooo important to me, but my MOH and I just clicked. We met about 5 years ago and we have been inseparable.  It doesn't take anything away from my other friendships, it just means that our personalities click better. It happens.

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  • WildMageletWildMagelet member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    I understand that you're upset.  I was upset when I realized that I was not longer the "BFF" of my "BFF."  Relationships change and evolve and what something is to one person isn't necessarily the same for both parties.  

    Forget about "friend rankings", be happy for your friend and her choice to ask you to participate in her wedding.  
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I understand the initial reaction is that your feelings were hurt.  But to refuse to be in the WP at all because of this is childish and I think you will regret it later. 
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  • Tiffany101015Tiffany101015 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Very childish. I am actually dealing with this right now.(one of my BM's thinks she should of been my MOH) You might not know the reason why she didn't pick you- but I'm sure she has one.
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  • Tiffany101015Tiffany101015 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    It's not about who you've known the longest....
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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I understand how you are feeling. I think it's ok to be a little hurt by this. My BF chose her sister as her MOH which of course I understood completely, but then she chose her college roommate as a second MOH. That one stung a little bit. We had been friends since middle school and we're still really close. I let it hurt for a little bit and then I moved on. I never said anything to her or anyone else. Now we are still just as close as we were back then, maybe even closer and it doesn't matter at all that I was a BM and not MOH. She's still my best friend and everything is fine, but if I would have been resentful or said something to her it probably would have ruined our friendship.
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  • laurenstlouislaurenstlouis member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I was in a similar situation, except that I was in the Bride's shoes, and I know how awful it feels to have multiple friends that could all equally fill the MoH role. In fact, every single person I asked to be in my BP could easily have been my MoH. However, I had to choose someone, and I went with my heart and with the girl I had always known deep down would be the one to stand next to me. While I would say that a majority of my BP didn't have any issues with NOT being selected, I know that one friend in particular (the one that I've been friends with the longest) had always just assumed that she would be selected; and though she hasn't brought it up to me, I know her well enough to know that she's probably a little bit hurt/shocked that I didn't end up choosing her as my MoH. I do plan on having a talk with her to let her know that just because she doesn't have the official title, it doesn't mean that she's any less important to me and that my BP isn't a ranking of how much I love my friends. As others before me have said, being a Bridesmaid is still a really huge honor! There are still a ton of people that I wish I could have asked, but in the end, I chose the six people that I love more than anyone else in the world and couldn't imagine going through every part of my "big day" without. Though you might not have that awesome Maid of Honor title attached to your name at this wedding, it doesn't mean that your friend loves you/values your friendship any less--she wouldn't have asked you to play such a large role in her wedding if she did.

    I know your feelings are hurt, but try to remember that it's just a title and not worth starting any potential drama over.
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    laurenstlouis said:
    I was in a similar situation, except that I was in the Bride's shoes, and I know how awful it feels to have multiple friends that could all equally fill the MoH role. In fact, every single person I asked to be in my BP could easily have been my MoH. However, I had to choose someone, and I went with my heart and with the girl I had always known deep down would be the one to stand next to me. While I would say that a majority of my BP didn't have any issues with NOT being selected, I know that one friend in particular (the one that I've been friends with the longest) had always just assumed that she would be selected; and though she hasn't brought it up to me, I know her well enough to know that she's probably a little bit hurt/shocked that I didn't end up choosing her as my MoH. I do plan on having a talk with her to let her know that just because she doesn't have the official title, it doesn't mean that she's any less important to me and that my BP isn't a ranking of how much I love my friends. As others before me have said, being a Bridesmaid is still a really huge honor! There are still a ton of people that I wish I could have asked, but in the end, I chose the six people that I love more than anyone else in the world and couldn't imagine going through every part of my "big day" without. Though you might not have that awesome Maid of Honor title attached to your name at this wedding, it doesn't mean that your friend loves you/values your friendship any less--she wouldn't have asked you to play such a large role in her wedding if she did.

    I know your feelings are hurt, but try to remember that it's just a title and not worth starting any potential drama over.
    First bold: No, you didn't. There is no rule that says there must be an MOH or the marriage is invalid.

    Second bold: Yes. it is just a title -- nothing more, nothing less. And not worth heartache.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • ddkappyddkappy member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    My sister was orginally going to be my MOH but to whatever, she backed out from standing up. I ended up asking my college roommate, fraternity sister and traveling bud to be the MOH instead of a friend i have known since i have been 12 (she is a BM) to be my MOH. I click way better with my college roommate then my other friend.

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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Childish, for sure. If you don't feel comfortable about it, don't be a bridesmaid. But you can't tell her you should be MOH.
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  • tara.ctara.c member
    Ninth Anniversary 10 Comments
    I realize it hurts, but as people have already said, there are lots of things that can go into picking a MOH.  Sometimes it has nothing to do with who you've known the longest, or who you click with the best, or who you "like" the best.  Sometimes it has to do with practicality:  If one friend lives six hours away, and another lives ten minutes away, the one ten minutes away may get picked simply because she'll be able to do more of things the bride wants a MOH to do.  Other times, a bride may pick the MOH based on who most closely shares her taste, since it's the MOH who will often have the biggest role in planning showers and bachelorette parties. The girl she picked may just have a personality better suited to the MOH responsibilities (I'm notoriously disorganized, and I've had friends pass me over for the MOH role for precisely that reason.  There are no hard feelings, I wouldn't pick me for that very same reason!)
    It's impossible to know why you didn't get picked, but just take a deep breath and remind yourself that she still adores you, otherwise she wouldn't have asked you to be in her bridal party. 
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  • edandyedandy member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    This happened to me, and the bride later told me that was her biggest regret. It did hurt, but for her sake I pretended It was NBD.

    I don't think you are being childish, but you shouldn't say anything to her either. Be there for her and suck it up!
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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    tara.c said:
    I realize it hurts, but as people have already said, there are lots of things that can go into picking a MOH.  Sometimes it has nothing to do with who you've known the longest, or who you click with the best, or who you "like" the best.  Sometimes it has to do with practicality:  If one friend lives six hours away, and another lives ten minutes away, the one ten minutes away may get picked simply because she'll be able to do more of things the bride wants a MOH to do.  Other times, a bride may pick the MOH based on who most closely shares her taste, since it's the MOH who will often have the biggest role in planning showers and bachelorette parties. The girl she picked may just have a personality better suited to the MOH responsibilities (I'm notoriously disorganized, and I've had friends pass me over for the MOH role for precisely that reason.  There are no hard feelings, I wouldn't pick me for that very same reason!)
    It's impossible to know why you didn't get picked, but just take a deep breath and remind yourself that she still adores you, otherwise she wouldn't have asked you to be in her bridal party. 
    This may happen but it's a shitty reason for picking one person over another. You don't pick your MOH because she will plan a better party for you or is closer in proximity to you to help you plan. You choose them because you are honoring them in your life. 

    My sister who lives 3,000 miles away from me was my MOH. Why? Because she is my sister and we share a deep, close bond. She wasn't able to go dress shopping with me or help me plan my wedding. 

    One of my local friends threw my shower and bachelorette party. I was VERY grateful for the parties. I did not expect to have them since the majority of my close friends live very far away.

    You honor your friends with being bridesmaids and with being your maid of honor. You do not choose based on what they can do for you.
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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, we all have different relationships with our friends. The girl who I call my best friend calls someone else her best friend. It's okay. She and I have discussed that we are close in spirit/soul and more of kindred spirits whereas her "best friend" she has known since she was practically a toddler and has grown up with. I can't replace what her best friend fills in her life. And her best friend can't fill what I do in her life. It's simply a title. I know it's hard to not be #1. But I know that when my best friend gets married I will very likely not be her MOH. But we have a bond that no one else does and that is enough.
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