Vent

Re: Vent

• Chipmunk415 member

  

  February 2014

  OP, who is paying for the wedding? The rule is "he who pays gets a say" (not absolute, the payor gets final word, but they do get a say) If you and your FI are the ones paying, then the parents need to shut it. The only way they get to dictate a huge reception with relatives you barely talk to is if they are ponying up the money for it.

  I agree, the desire of your future in laws to stay in the room right next to you is disturbing. The demand to spend every activity with you is selfish on their parts, but it sounds like this is sort of a destination wedding- it would be inappropriate for you two to totally ignore everyone who's out there.

  Take some time to cool down, and then rationally talk to the in laws. (Note, your FI needs to be on board with this and you two must present a united front).

   Tell the in laws while you'd be fine with perhaps catching one post wedding meal with them, you two are planning a whole bunch of activities together, that their delicate conditions (they played the elderly card, use it to your advantage) would preclude them from. Also make it clear that you want to spend your honeymoon focusing on each other, enjoying your first days as husband and wife.

  Speak to the hotel- see about having the hotel make sure your reserved room is far away from theirs. (Evil Chipmunk would like to take this time to suggest reserving rooms at hotel a, and telling in laws you'll be at hotel b; she would also suggest if it doesn't work out, you and your FI have deliberate, obnoxiously loud, wall shaking naked scrabble in your hotel room- in laws will likely switch rooms) 

  Not sure how to address the flight times, though if you know they hate to travel early in the morning, perhaps you and your FI should book for that time? or similar activity?

  Additionally, sit in laws down and tell them while you appreciate they want to help and do things together, you and FI have planned what you really truly want. Tell them it is not their decision how your wedding and honeymoon are going to proceed. Tell them that these comments have hurt both of you, and you two are seriously reconsidering having anything they would be invited to. They will pay attention to that- I've been there.

  Sending you hugs!

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• rikysegal member

  

  February 2014

  Did they know the plan before you sent out the STD? If they knew, which I'm assuming they did, then it's too late to make changed. Also- try to explain to them that its sweet they want to spend so much time with you, its also about starting a life the TWO of you. Whenever I'm trying to reason with my MIL, i try to make it sound like its for the greater good

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• VegasinOct member

  

  February 2014

  Thanks for the advice.  My FI and I are paying for everything, so I know that we should get the final word.  That being said, his parents knew our plans before the STD's went out.  My FI tried to explain to them (again) this weekend that we are going to Vegas early to prepare for the wedding and we plan on staying another week for our honeymoon. 
  We had them both over for the Superbowl and my FMIL and I discussed our plans and told me that everything sounded wonderful.  She waited until my FI was alone to discuss how she was displeased with everything we have planned so far. 
  My FI knows that they are playing the "elderly" card.  At one point in their conversation they said that it should not be a problem for them to hang out with us, because I will be having to take care of my father.  My father has end stage COPD and we are not even sure if he will be able to make it to our wedding.  I have already made arrangements to pay a friend (RN) to accompany him on the trip and attend to him.  When my FI pointed out that my dad will not be staying in Vegas with us the entire time, they said that would give us more time to do stuff with them. 
  At this point we are going to look at eloping and then present them the option of us having our wedding, the way we want in Vegas, or telling them that we will elope and let them know once we are married. 
  

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• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  February 2014

  Did anyone try saying "hell no, you're not tagging along on our honeymoon; wtf are you THINKING?!"
  

  

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• tawillers member

  

  February 2014

  I'd like to know the definition of "elderly" in this post, not that it matters AT ALL WHATSOEVER.

  
  

  They want to treat your honeymoon as their vacation.  How nice of them.

  
  

  Listen, your FI needs to nip this in the bud.  Now it's your wedding/honeymoon.  Next they'll want to come househunting with you.  Then they'll be sitting in your delivery room with their video camera.  If you two do not want them tagging along every thing you do in your marriage, your FI needs to set some boundaries.

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• NOLABridesmaid member

  

  February 2014

  Yeah, I would have told my parents, "sorry, but no."

  

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• VegasinOct member

  

  February 2014

  My FI and I are both over 40, own our own place and he has told his parents NO.  They keep thinking that if they keep saying they are going to do this we will have no choice but to accept their plans. So, FI and I will just change our plans to meet our needs and leave them completely out.  As mean as that sounds, it is probably the only way to get them to understand we are serious that this is our wedding and we are doing it OUR way. 
  As far as defining elderly...both of his parents are in their late 70's, but neither one has slowed down.  They take several trips during the year, volunteer for several different organizations, and live in their house with no outside help (his dad still insists on snow blowing his own driveway). 
  

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• rikysegal member

  

  February 2014

  don't tell them where you're staying or what you're doing in Vegas

  
  

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  February 2014

  VegasinOct said:

  My FI and I are both over 40, own our own place and he has told his parents NO.  They keep thinking that if they keep saying they are going to do this we will have no choice but to accept their plans. So, FI and I will just change our plans to meet our needs and leave them completely out.  As mean as that sounds, it is probably the only way to get them to understand we are serious that this is our wedding and we are doing it OUR way. 
  As far as defining elderly...both of his parents are in their late 70's, but neither one has slowed down.  They take several trips during the year, volunteer for several different organizations, and live in their house with no outside help (his dad still insists on snow blowing his own driveway). 
  

  I am a huge, huge, HUGE fan of this option. Actions have consequences. If their actions are to horn in on your WEDDING AND HONEYMOON, then the consequence is you will change your plans, not tell them, and they'll miss out entirely.

  
  

  I completely think your FI should say, "Mom and Dad, here are your choices: Allow us to have OUR wedding in Vegas the way WE want, or we WILL elope, not tell you about it, and you'll miss out on it entirely. Your choice."

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• ReturnOfKuus member

  

  February 2014

  You know that if you go along with this, they're going to want to come spoon the two of you on your wedding night.
  

  

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