Engagement Party question

shelikespink · February 2014

Hello! My FI's best man is throwing us an engagement party. I'm not sure what we are supposed to do - do we have to pay for anything? Do we have to do a speech? What is expected of us? Help!

doeydo · February 2014

Anyone invited to any pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding, but not all those invited to the wedding must be invited to the pre-wedding parties. So, next time he brings up the party, ask how many people is he able to host. Then, if he says "30 people or so" you and your FI should make a list of who to invite then give it to him. You do not need to pay for anything. People might prod you to make a toast, I guess, but I wouldn't prepare anything if I were you. After the engagement party, you should definitely give the party-thrower a thank you card and perhaps a thank you gift.

shelikespink · February 2014

Thanks for the info!

He's already set the date and invited guests :S We didn't get any say in it..we're just going to show up! It's at a restaurant so that's why I was wondering about who pays. I imagine it will be everyone pays for their own bill but I was wondering about what the etiquette is for an engagement party.

Blue_Bird · February 2014

shelikespink said:
Thanks for the info!

He's already set the date and invited guests :S We didn't get any say in it..we're just going to show up! It's at a restaurant so that's why I was wondering about who pays. I imagine it will be everyone pays for their own bill but I was wondering about what the etiquette is for an engagement party.

If he's expecting guests to pay for their own meals you should decline. That's really unacceptable.

LondonLisa · February 2014

shelikespink said:

Thanks for the info!

He's already set the date and invited guests :S We didn't get any say in it..we're just going to show up! It's at a restaurant so that's why I was wondering about who pays. I imagine it will be everyone pays for their own bill but I was wondering about what the etiquette is for an engagement party.

I would also decline. It is tacky to throw a party and make people pay for their own meals and drinks. Also, anyone invited to this party MUST be invited to your wedding, regardless if you have a say in it. I think it would be wise to decline the party so you aren't stuck inviting loads of people to your wedding.

KickAssMOH · February 2014

My bridal party threw us an engagement party. At the party, my BMs covered the cost of food. It was at a bar and most of our friends were drinking so my FI and I decided to cover the cost of the alcohol. We didn't know of these circumstances in advance, and we ended up spending a few hundred on the bar tab. We had the waiter check in with us for each $100 that was added to the bill so that we weren't in shock at the end of the party. People had traveled a bit to be with us to celebrate and we wanted them to be properly hosted.

grumbledore · February 2014

Blue_Bird said:

Thanks for the info!

He's already set the date and invited guests :S We didn't get any say in it..we're just going to show up! It's at a restaurant so that's why I was wondering about who pays. I imagine it will be everyone pays for their own bill but I was wondering about what the etiquette is for an engagement party.
If he's expecting guests to pay for their own meals you should decline. That's really unacceptable.

Agreed, not to mention you will be expected to invite everyone who was invited to this party to your wedding. I'd shut this down fast.

shelikespink · February 2014

That's why I was asking. It's probably kind of late to cancel the party, seeing that there's going to be people there from out of town, so it looks like we will be footing the bill! Oh well, I'm sure there are going to be many unforeseen expenses wedding with a wedding.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

That's why I was asking. It's probably kind of late to cancel the party, seeing that there's going to be people there from out of town, so it looks like we will be footing the bill! Oh well, I'm sure there are going to be many unforeseen expenses wedding with a wedding.

The only time it is too late to cancel a party is when it has already started.

I would cancel this ASAP and explain why you are canceling it.

I do disagree, however, that you will be responsible for inviting all these people to your wedding. Since he planned and invited these people without getting your input then it is on him to explain to some of them why they aren't going to be invited. It would be like if someone through a surprise shower and invited whoever without verifying it against the wedding guest list. You shouldn't have to invite people because someone else didn't take the time to think things out.

MGP · February 2014

shelikespink said:

That's why I was asking. It's probably kind of late to cancel the party, seeing that there's going to be people there from out of town, so it looks like we will be footing the bill! Oh well, I'm sure there are going to be many unforeseen expenses wedding with a wedding.

No, not too late to cancel. Do not let these people's hosting mistakes guilt you into paying for your own engagement party or invite additional guests to your wedding. This is definitely a proper time to decline and tell them exactly why. They are putting everyone - you AND your guests (paying for their own meals? Really??) - in a very awkward position and that is not fair to you. Nip this in the bud now.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

OP, are you sure he is asking the guests to pay for their own meals? This is an awkward conversation with the host, but you need to ask him outright instead of assuming.

If he expects guests to pay their own meals, you should decline and cancel the party.

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

shelikespink said:

Hello! My FI's best man is throwing us an engagement party. I'm not sure what we are supposed to do - do we have to pay for anything? Do we have to do a speech? What is expected of us? Help!

@shelikespink: proceed very cautiously with the advice you have received here. Yes, it is true that a host should pick up the costs of whatever he plans. But your role at this party is that of guest. You cannot cancel a party that someone else is giving. It is your fiance's best friend who is responsible for following the standards of etiquette as he understands them and if he errs, that is his problem, not yours. Certainly you may decline the invtation, but even with that recourse you need to be very careful.

You do not seem to know all the details of what is going on. It may be that your fiance's gang of friends got together and said "Hey, we should take Helikesblue and his new fiance out to dinner to celebrate their engagement. Bestman, you're his best friend, you organize it and we'll all chip in." If that's what he is doing, you would be ill-advised to reject the offer and try to ruin their party -- it could end up turning your "Helikesblue and Shelikespink Engagement Party" into a "HelikesBlue saved in the nick of time party". Talk your concerns over with Helikesblue, and let him talk it over with the best man, and if everyone but you is happy with the situation, even if they are completely ignorant of etiquette, "do not disrupt even a low accord"

The last thing you want is to make a bunch of strangers on the internet proud of you, if at the same time you alienate your fiance and damage a friendship.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

AroundtheBlock - So even though going through with this party could potentially make OP look like an ass in the end (wedding guest list and all) your advice is for her to go through with something that she is not 100% comfortable with?

shelikespink · February 2014

Thanks @AroundTheBlock! We definitely can't cancel it.. the best man would be devastated.

The good thing is all the guests invited to the engagement party are invited to the wedding, so that's one thing I don't have to worry about.

My FI doesn't know the details either. I think the best man was trying to make it a surprise party and then told us this week (party's on the weekend) so that we would show up!

Well, I'll update what I do!

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