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How can I demand my v-day engagement ring?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
How do I keep myself from expecting a ring for Valentine's day? My boyfriend and I are both 26 and we’ve been together more than three years. I’m ready! He’s the one! We’ve talked about how great it’s gonna be! In the summer I asked him about his thoughts on our timeline and told him I was ready. He got uncharacteristically anxious about marriage and wanted to hold off a while. (He’s a law school graduate who hasn’t been able to find work as a lawyer, which doesn’t matter to me.) I agreed we should both be 100 percent ready, but told him I didn't want to wait another year and he would need to make a decision before then, preferably well before. I haven’t pressured him since then and things have been going great. He’s as much as said that there is a big Valentine’s Day gift coming to me. I sooooooo hope it’s a ring! If it’s not, I want to be able to be reasonable: keep a good poker face for the night, wait a couple weeks so I'm not speaking from a place of disappointment, and again get his thoughts on where he stands as far as being ready. Help me to temper my expectations and not freak out if I don't get that special thing I want!

—V Day Anxiety

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Re: How can I demand my v-day engagement ring?

  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She needs to pump her brakes. It sounds like he's trying to get his law career started before he asks her to marry him. Plus, you know she isn't going to like the small ring he gets her since he's broke.
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  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    Where are all of these pretty princesses gonna come when they create and imagine more problems?  Here....hush now, NOLA.
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  • AshleyP42AshleyP42 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Hm.  The name of your post is asking how to "demand" a ring, which means you ARE expecting one- and that is the best way to set yourself up to be disappointed.  But the post itself is asking how to manage your expectations, which is a fair question. 

    First, tell yourself it's not happening tomorrow.  It's possible that maybe he does want to propose but doesn't want it to be on such a stereotypical day.  Not getting one tomorrow doesn't mean it's not on his mind.

    Your idea of waiting a while after v-day to bring up the subject again is good.  But maybe instead of saying "I'm ready, when is this happening?" try an approach that's more sensitive to him.  Ask, "I know this is something we both want, but is there something you're worried about that's making you hesitate?"  I was with my boyfriend for 6 years before he proposed.  For a long time I worried- is he unsure?  Is it his family?  What's wrong?  Sometimes we would talk about it but it was always "of course I want to get married" but then nothing would happen.  When I finally had this talk with him, asking him how HE felt, it turned out his biggest worry was money- he wanted to buy me "the best"- something big and elaborate.  I told him I just wanted the commitment, to get married.  I did give some guidelines (like the fact I don't like yellow gold) but beyond that I assured him I wasn't picky.  It was still a while before we got engaged but I had peace of mind knowing that the issue wasn't me, or him, or family, and it gave us a chance to talk about our concerns.  And when it finally happened, it was amazing.  I'm so glad I cleared the air with him and then stopped talking about it.  If I had pressured him constantly, and then he proposed, I think part of me would always worry that he proposed out of obligation or fear of breaking up.  Talking about it is fine but unless you're worried about your biological clock, I would strongly advise simply talking about it, NOT pressuring, and certainly not setting deadlines or ultimatums. 
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  • afterimageafterimage member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Honestly, don't expect a ring tomorrow.  Whatever your big V-day surprise is, please do not show disappointment.  Whether it's a ring or some other surprise, it is an expression that your SO loves you and cares for you enough to do something special for you.  Can you imagine how he would feel if he put the effort in to give you something special, only to find out that you were disappointed rather than appreciative?

    Try to be reasonable about this - just because he hasn't proposed yet does not mean that he doesn't want to marry you!  He probably has other reasons, be it that he wants to settle into his career, he is saving money to buy a ring, or any other reason that he may have.  Maybe he doesn't want to propose on a major holiday?  Some people find that kind of thing too cliché, or maybe he wants to catch you off guard.  Don't make assumptions!  

    Rather than giving him a deadline, you should try to be more understanding.  Relationships are really about caring for and supporting the other person, not just about what you want.  If this is a big issue for you, maybe you can bring it up again in a while, but give him some time.  And next time, don't demand a ring by a certain deadline, but try to actually talk about it.  Find out if he is ready, and if he's not, maybe he can tell you why not!

    Good luck, and enjoy a happy Valentine's day with your guy.
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Not gonna lie, a special occasion or two before getting engaged I was a little disappointed to not be engaged. But not a big deal and I certainly wasn't close to "freaking out" over it, nor feel the need to write an advice column over it. I'm glad he did things the way he did. 
    image
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    The Day of the BeeBee Bride.
    �
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Plus, it falls on a Friday. I can't wait for the posts.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    afterimage said:
    Honestly, don't expect a ring tomorrow.  Whatever your big V-day surprise is, please do not show disappointment.  Whether it's a ring or some other surprise, it is an expression that your SO loves you and cares for you enough to do something special for you.  Can you imagine how he would feel if he put the effort in to give you something special, only to find out that you were disappointed rather than appreciative?

    Try to be reasonable about this - just because he hasn't proposed yet does not mean that he doesn't want to marry you!  He probably has other reasons, be it that he wants to settle into his career, he is saving money to buy a ring, or any other reason that he may have.  Maybe he doesn't want to propose on a major holiday?  Some people find that kind of thing too cliché, or maybe he wants to catch you off guard.  Don't make assumptions!  

    Rather than giving him a deadline, you should try to be more understanding.  Relationships are really about caring for and supporting the other person, not just about what you want.  If this is a big issue for you, maybe you can bring it up again in a while, but give him some time.  And next time, don't demand a ring by a certain deadline, but try to actually talk about it.  Find out if he is ready, and if he's not, maybe he can tell you why not!

    Good luck, and enjoy a happy Valentine's day with your guy.
    It still gets me every time.

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  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Make the Engagement Chicken Recipe, duh! It worked for my sister's friend's cousin.

    Report Reply
  • afterimageafterimage member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    thejucheidea said:
    afterimage said:
    Honestly, don't expect a ring tomorrow.  Whatever your big V-day surprise is, please do not show disappointment.  Whether it's a ring or some other surprise, it is an expression that your SO loves you and cares for you enough to do something special for you.  Can you imagine how he would feel if he put the effort in to give you something special, only to find out that you were disappointed rather than appreciative?

    Try to be reasonable about this - just because he hasn't proposed yet does not mean that he doesn't want to marry you!  He probably has other reasons, be it that he wants to settle into his career, he is saving money to buy a ring, or any other reason that he may have.  Maybe he doesn't want to propose on a major holiday?  Some people find that kind of thing too cliché, or maybe he wants to catch you off guard.  Don't make assumptions!  

    Rather than giving him a deadline, you should try to be more understanding.  Relationships are really about caring for and supporting the other person, not just about what you want.  If this is a big issue for you, maybe you can bring it up again in a while, but give him some time.  And next time, don't demand a ring by a certain deadline, but try to actually talk about it.  Find out if he is ready, and if he's not, maybe he can tell you why not!

    Good luck, and enjoy a happy Valentine's day with your guy.
    It still gets me every time.
    Did I miss something?
    Report Reply
  • FiancBFiancB member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    kasmith1 said:
    Make the Engagement Chicken Recipe, duh! It worked for my sister's friend's cousin.

    Pretty sure FI is marrying me for my cooking skills, so it's legit. His thing is biscuits and gravy though. I'm pretty sure that making it every Sunday morning is going to end up in my vows. 

    afterimage, she posts questions from advice columns to liven the place up a little. Hence the "Dear Prudence". It's not a personal situation. 
    image
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    afterimage said:
    Did I miss something?


    Yeah, the     Dear Prudence part of the OP.
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  • afterimageafterimage member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you @FiancB I didn't get that.  Everything is going straight over my head this week.
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I didn't expect my engagement at all.  I didn't pressure . . . how hard is it to wait until the guy is ready?  As long as the  conversation has been had that the relationship is going somewhere (and the guy didn't lie about wanting a future engagement), shouldn't that be enough for some women?  This world needs to learn patience. This V-Day Anxiety needs to breathe. 

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  • MadHops21MadHops21 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    It's 4 days after V-Day. I really want to know if she got it. 
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
    Funny Awkward animated GIF
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