Can't decide if this is passive-aggressive or just weird

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

DH's parents sent us a V-Day card, addressed to 'A wonderful son and DIL.' It's a treacly-sweet religious card that goes on and on about how we're a blessing to the family and our marriage is pleasing to God and so on.

That alone is weird -- DH has virtually no relationship with his parents, and they attended our wedding only because we couldn't bar them from the church (they weren't invited and didn't attend the reception). Also, his father, on the few family occasions we've seen him, has made it clear he shares his mother (BSC granny's) opinion that "Catholics aren't Christians" and our version of Christianity isn't "real." (Specifically, of all things to fuss about, he doesn't agree with infant baptism and doesn't think it 'counts' for salvation. Uhm...OK, since I'm not PG, we're probably jumping the gun on worrying about that.)

Inside the card is a book of photos of the two of them. They kind of look like the photos you get taken with a church directory or something. It's two dozen-plus photos of the two of them, which is weird in and of itself.

They're wearing the clothes they wore to our wedding -- same dress, shoes, purse for her, same suit and tie for him. At DH's request demand, they were in NONE of our wedding photos (which makes sense -- he didn't want them there in the first place, why would he want photographic evidence that they deliberately disregarded his wishes and showed up anyway?), so I can't tell if this is a jab at us -- 'we bought these fancy new clothes (MIL spent $600 on her dress, alterations, shoes, accessories) for your wedding and here are photos of us in them -- or just a flat-out WEIRD thing to do. (FTR, MIL doesn't attend church, but FIL does, so the directory photos, if they are directory photos, include a semi-regular attendee and his wife, whom no one has ever seen).

DH is alternating between thinking it's weird and being annoyed. Ever since we got married, his parents have been trying to force a relationship, trying to pretend everything is OK and they're all just one, big, happy family.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

I'd say it's definitely P-A, in a holier-than-thou way (no religious pun intended, but convenient).

They're kind of taking a shot at you by reminding you of the wedding with their clothing, and they're also playing the we-want-you-in-our-lives-so-we-should-be-in-yours card by sending this and including photos. Basically, they're trying to force themselves on you and tell you that you're wrong (by cutting them out), again.

Personally, I'd trash it all, but that's just me.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

DH asked me where the junk drawer was so he could shove it in there. I told him, but pointed out that one of my new year's resolutions was to clean it out and trash things we weren't keeping. He said, "OK, I'll bypass the drawer and just trash them now."

SmileDamnit · February 2014

I don't know...could go either way on this. Can it both passive-aggressive AND weird? Doesn't DH's mom have a history of mental illness and dad somewhat in denial? Could be mom being weird and pops being PA.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

@Niccirf -- good memory! MIL does have a history of mental illness and FIL is hugely in denial. So it could be both.

DH (who is nicer than I am) think it's just a weird attempt to be nice and it's just a church directory booklet. I pointed out that (a) MIL doesn't GO to church so why is she in the directory? and (b) they're wearing THE SAME clothes as at our wedding and (c) they could have sent just one photo print from the directory shoot -- the book, to me, feels like a jab because we made photo books for my parents and BSC granny.

cupcait927 · February 2014

I vote for both passive-aggressive and weird.

banana468 · February 2014

I'd feel the same way as you @hisgirlfriday. Since you already know how they feel it probably is a jab but it may also be a desire to get the relationship to a better place. I don't doubt that FIL carries some of the same behavioral traits As BSC GMIL so there is little liklihood of a genuine tone.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

banana468 said:

I'd feel the same way as you @hisgirlfriday. Since you already know how they feel it probably is a jab but it may also be a desire to get the relationship to a better place. I don't doubt that FIL carries some of the same behavioral traits As BSC GMIL so there is little liklihood of a genuine tone.

I actually think this is partly the case. I think they're getting older, they realise they have no relationship with the one grandchild still in their family (DH's sister had a son but she gave him up to her baby daddy's parents to raise, so no one in DH's family has seen him in 10 years), and they're sad and lonely.

And that's all well and good -- but when you spent your kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (MIL) or standing by and letting it happen (FIL), and as a pot-addicted alcoholic (FIL), your kids aren't terribly likely to want to see you as adults.

BIl's FI (after tomorrow, SIL!) has said that under no circumstances may DH's nephew be left alone with FIL and MIL, and she has started refusing to attend family gatherings if FIL is going to be there.

FIL called up BIL the other week and asked if MIL could attend BIL and FSIL's wedding because "she really wants to" and BIl said, "Yeah, hell no."

chibiyui · February 2014

Another vote for passive aggressive and weird.

pinkcow13 · February 2014

A vote for passive aggressive and weird, with creepy thrown in there. Yikes!

APDSS22 · February 2014

It is definitely weird. I think there is a possibility that they wanted to wear the clothes again, especially if they spent a large amount of money on them. Why they did that is more than odd, but they did. Then when they had the pictures they had the great idea of getting a dig at ya'll at the same time. Probably best to throw out the booklet and ignore it. Personally, if they started on Catholics not being real Christians I would say something about the Church waiting for them to come back to the Faith since we started the ball rolling with Christianity and all. I never understand people who try to argue that Catholics aren't Christians or aren't real Christians.

Belthil · February 2014

I vote both passive aggressive and weird.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

It is definitely weird. I think there is a possibility that they wanted to wear the clothes again, especially if they spent a large amount of money on them. Why they did that is more than odd, but they did. Then when they had the pictures they had the great idea of getting a dig at ya'll at the same time. Probably best to throw out the booklet and ignore it. Personally, if they started on Catholics not being real Christians I would say something about the Church waiting for them to come back to the Faith since we started the ball rolling with Christianity and all. I never understand people who try to argue that Catholics aren't Christians or aren't real Christians.

A.men to all of this.

I'm very tempted, when FIL starts in on this, to say, 'Oh, well, since your opinions differ from ours, then certainly you'll understand why we won't be including you in any future sacramental events, such as our children's baptism. We'd hate for you to have to attend a service you don't believe in.'

Because I'm bitchy like that.

But I do wonder -- if you're trying to rebuild a relationship with your children, WHY would you do that by telling them all the things they do that you don't approve of?

APDSS22 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

It is definitely weird. I think there is a possibility that they wanted to wear the clothes again, especially if they spent a large amount of money on them. Why they did that is more than odd, but they did. Then when they had the pictures they had the great idea of getting a dig at ya'll at the same time. Probably best to throw out the booklet and ignore it. Personally, if they started on Catholics not being real Christians I would say something about the Church waiting for them to come back to the Faith since we started the ball rolling with Christianity and all. I never understand people who try to argue that Catholics aren't Christians or aren't real Christians.

A.men to all of this.

I'm very tempted, when FIL starts in on this, to say, 'Oh, well, since your opinions differ from ours, then certainly you'll understand why we won't be including you in any future sacramental events, such as our children's baptism. We'd hate for you to have to attend a service you don't believe in.'

Because I'm bitchy like that.

But I do wonder -- if you're trying to rebuild a relationship with your children, WHY would you do that by telling them all the things they do that you don't approve of?

Best case scenario: they're confused and trying to..."save you"? Really though, if they want a relationship, they should work on not antagonizing you and H.

kmmssg · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

I'd feel the same way as you @hisgirlfriday. Since you already know how they feel it probably is a jab but it may also be a desire to get the relationship to a better place. I don't doubt that FIL carries some of the same behavioral traits As BSC GMIL so there is little liklihood of a genuine tone.
I actually think this is partly the case. I think they're getting older, they realise they have no relationship with the one grandchild still in their family (DH's sister had a son but she gave him up to her baby daddy's parents to raise, so no one in DH's family has seen him in 10 years), and they're sad and lonely.

And that's all well and good -- but when you spent your kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (MIL) or standing by and letting it happen (FIL), and as a pot-addicted alcoholic (FIL), your kids aren't terribly likely to want to see you as adults.

BIl's FI (after tomorrow, SIL!) has said that under no circumstances may DH's nephew be left alone with FIL and MIL, and she has started refusing to attend family gatherings if FIL is going to be there.

FIL called up BIL the other week and asked if MIL could attend BIL and FSIL's wedding because "she really wants to" and BIl said, "Yeah, hell no."

What you 2 said above is where my money is. I'm looking at this through my 53 year old eyes. At first I was going to vote for wierdly passive-aggressive, but kind-hearted Banana pointed out a POV that just may be on the money here. She is always far more kind-hearted than I am.

So, I am wondering if the card is their attempt to "plant some seeds" of their idea of Christianity (the passive-aggressive part) and the book of photos are to gain a presence in your home for your future children, should you choose to have them. Since it was a book and had so many pictures, I am wondering if they gave you something like that so you would feel obligated to keep it.

I could be way off here but it seems to me they might be rethinking their mistakes, don't want to take responsibilit for them, and are wanting to pave a way into your lives for the potential grandkids.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

It is definitely weird. I think there is a possibility that they wanted to wear the clothes again, especially if they spent a large amount of money on them. Why they did that is more than odd, but they did. Then when they had the pictures they had the great idea of getting a dig at ya'll at the same time. Probably best to throw out the booklet and ignore it. Personally, if they started on Catholics not being real Christians I would say something about the Church waiting for them to come back to the Faith since we started the ball rolling with Christianity and all. I never understand people who try to argue that Catholics aren't Christians or aren't real Christians.

A.men to all of this.

I'm very tempted, when FIL starts in on this, to say, 'Oh, well, since your opinions differ from ours, then certainly you'll understand why we won't be including you in any future sacramental events, such as our children's baptism. We'd hate for you to have to attend a service you don't believe in.'

Because I'm bitchy like that.

But I do wonder -- if you're trying to rebuild a relationship with your children, WHY would you do that by telling them all the things they do that you don't approve of?

Best case scenario: they're confused and trying to..."save you"? Really though, if they want a relationship, they should work on not antagonizing you and H.

But they don't do it to FSIL, who doesn't attend church at all. So, no church > Catholic? That makes no sense to me.

I just avoid them. And refuse to give them my phone number, so they can't call me.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

I'd feel the same way as you @hisgirlfriday. Since you already know how they feel it probably is a jab but it may also be a desire to get the relationship to a better place. I don't doubt that FIL carries some of the same behavioral traits As BSC GMIL so there is little liklihood of a genuine tone.
I actually think this is partly the case. I think they're getting older, they realise they have no relationship with the one grandchild still in their family (DH's sister had a son but she gave him up to her baby daddy's parents to raise, so no one in DH's family has seen him in 10 years), and they're sad and lonely.

And that's all well and good -- but when you spent your kids' childhoods using them as punching bags (MIL) or standing by and letting it happen (FIL), and as a pot-addicted alcoholic (FIL), your kids aren't terribly likely to want to see you as adults.

BIl's FI (after tomorrow, SIL!) has said that under no circumstances may DH's nephew be left alone with FIL and MIL, and she has started refusing to attend family gatherings if FIL is going to be there.

FIL called up BIL the other week and asked if MIL could attend BIL and FSIL's wedding because "she really wants to" and BIl said, "Yeah, hell no."

What you 2 said above is where my money is. I'm looking at this through my 53 year old eyes. At first I was going to vote for wierdly passive-aggressive, but kind-hearted Banana pointed out a POV that just may be on the money here. She is always far more kind-hearted than I am.

So, I am wondering if the card is their attempt to "plant some seeds" of their idea of Christianity (the passive-aggressive part) and the book of photos are to gain a presence in your home for your future children, should you choose to have them. Since it was a book and had so many pictures, I am wondering if they gave you something like that so you would feel obligated to keep it.

I could be way off here but it seems to me they might be rethinking their mistakes, don't want to take responsibilit for them, and are wanting to pave a way into your lives for the potential grandkids.

I think you're right, @kmmssg, which just infuriates me. You don't get to just decide 'Oh, we want a relationship' after years of being physically and emotionally abusive.

And if they think we have to keep a photo book, they're out of their damn minds. DH chucked it in the trash already.

I think you're right that they want to pave the road for a relationship with future kids, but that ship has sailed -- MIL physically and sexually abused BIL (she only physically abused DH), so she will NEVER see my children, EVER, under any circumstances whatever.

DH is even more adamant about it than I am.

Also, as I'm fond of telling DH's grandmother, 'My family is Greek-Irish-Catholic. We practically invented guilt-tripping. You're going to have to start way earlier in the morning to guilt-trip me into something."

I mostly just smile and nod when FIL talks, and then ignore him entirely.

APDSS22 · February 2014

From all you've said about them, I wouldn't really expect their actions to make sense...maybe they think it's possible to save you since you have a religion even if they consider it to be the wrong one? Either way, I would throw out the booklet. If they ever earn a place in your home, even through pictures, I'm sure there are more where those came from.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

From all you've said about them, I wouldn't really expect their actions to make sense...maybe they think it's possible to save you since you have a religion even if they consider it to be the wrong one? Either way, I would throw out the booklet. If they ever earn a place in your home, even through pictures, I'm sure there are more where those came from.

They keep asking to come over and 'see your new place have dinner. DH keeps saying, 'Hell no.' I think this is an end-run around that -- that they think we'll feel obligated to have them come over now.

*sigh*

DH keeps saying, 'When [BSC granny] dies, we'll never have to see them again.' I don't think we're going to be that lucky.

kmmssg · February 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 - you have no idea how much I love " 'My family is Greek-Irish-Catholic. We practically invented guilt-tripping. You're going to have to start way earlier in the morning to guilt-trip me into something." I am European Protestant and can't begin to boast such awesome credentials. I am jealous.

APDSS22 · February 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

From all you've said about them, I wouldn't really expect their actions to make sense...maybe they think it's possible to save you since you have a religion even if they consider it to be the wrong one? Either way, I would throw out the booklet. If they ever earn a place in your home, even through pictures, I'm sure there are more where those came from.

They keep asking to come over and 'see your new place have dinner. DH keeps saying, 'Hell no.' I think this is an end-run around that -- that they think we'll feel obligated to have them come over now.

*sigh*

DH keeps saying, 'When [BSC granny] dies, we'll never have to see them again.' I don't think we're going to be that lucky.

Yeah, they do seem determined to...infiltrate your home is the phrase that comes to mind.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

kmmssg said:

@HisGirlFriday13 - you have no idea how much I love " 'My family is Greek-Irish-Catholic. We practically invented guilt-tripping. You're going to have to start way earlier in the morning to guilt-trip me into something." I am European Protestant and can't begin to boast such awesome credentials. I am jealous.

My mother can guilt-trip WITHOUT WORDS. She can guilt-trip with a raised eye-brow or a LOOK. It's an impressive skill set. I'm jealous of her.

DH's family is German, so no guilt-tripping in their genes. Win for me!

@TheFutureMrsRohlman22 -- it does! And it weirds me out!!

kmmssg · February 2014

My kids say I have the guilt ridden mom look down pat but if I could put the Irish Catholic spin on it, it would be stellar.

lyndausvi · February 2014

DH and I both grew up Catholic (confirmed and all). Neither of us our practicing though. I'm of Irish decent, him Italian. Let me tell you that guilt is very powerful and it NEVER goes away. My family can also guilt you with just a look. It's amazing.

pumpkinsandturkeys · February 2014

I'm half-Irish and full Catholic (the other side is Dutch), and I remember my Granny guilt-tripping the shit out of us. Mainly when I didn't want to eat her cabbage rolls haha. Nothing compares to the Irish guilt trip.

Cookie Pusher · February 2014

I never got any religion-based guilt growing up since none of my parents were really into their religions. However, my mother would pull out her life insurance policy (I've always been the primary beneficiary on it) whenever she wanted me to feel particularly guilty about something.

cruffino · February 2014

I vote for weird, and trying to force a relationship. Glad your FH tossed them.

banana468 · February 2014

lyndausvi said:
DH and I both grew up Catholic (confirmed and all). Neither of us our practicing though. I'm of Irish decent, him Italian. Let me tell you that guilt is very powerful and it NEVER goes away. My family can also guilt you with just a look. It's amazing.

We are quite similar in this house! You wouldn't guess it by my married name but DH is half Italian (all from MIL who is 100% ) and I'm almost all Irish. The guilt we can lay on our child knows no bounds.

Can't decide if this is passive-aggressive or just weird

Re: Can't decide if this is passive-aggressive or just weird

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