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Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
Sugargirl1019
member
Officiant Woes
I let my FMIL be in charge of finding a minister for our wedding because their church is more flexible on ceremony location. He's Church of Christ, and I'm Catholic.
First we asked FIs HS minister to officiate our wedding, and after 3 months of waiting for a decision about travel schedule and costs, told us no. So then they thought it would be a precious idea to have the man who baptised FI so many years ago marry us. Only problem, this man now lives in Ireland. Yet they still asked! (crazy people..) Well, the man declined (thankfully daily quickly). So I encouraged them to please ask someone in the church who does not have to make travel arrangements and they said they would ask the minister of the church. After 2 weeks of emailing, apparently the minister has a previous engagement and cannot do it. I'm super frustrated being told no over and over with 5 months to go...
So I'm taking over and FIs family is not in charge of this anymore lol. My question for everyone is:
Has anyone had a friend or family member become licensed to officiate for the day? What kind of preparation did it require, and are there negatives to doing this if we wanted a religious type ceremony? FMIL is going on about them not being an "ordained minister" of the state, but I don't know anything except that I'm Catholic and a priest will not marry us outside of the Church. Thanks for any information about this.
First we asked FIs HS minister to officiate our wedding, and after 3 months of waiting for a decision about travel schedule and costs, told us no. So then they thought it would be a precious idea to have the man who baptised FI so many years ago marry us. Only problem, this man now lives in Ireland. Yet they still asked! (crazy people..) Well, the man declined (thankfully daily quickly). So I encouraged them to please ask someone in the church who does not have to make travel arrangements and they said they would ask the minister of the church. After 2 weeks of emailing, apparently the minister has a previous engagement and cannot do it. I'm super frustrated being told no over and over with 5 months to go...
So I'm taking over and FIs family is not in charge of this anymore lol. My question for everyone is:
Has anyone had a friend or family member become licensed to officiate for the day? What kind of preparation did it require, and are there negatives to doing this if we wanted a religious type ceremony? FMIL is going on about them not being an "ordained minister" of the state, but I don't know anything except that I'm Catholic and a priest will not marry us outside of the Church. Thanks for any information about this.
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Re: Officiant Woes
Since the late 1960s, the Catholic church does allow other Christian denominations to co-officiate at a wedding ceremony, as long as the priest agrees and it is held in the Catholic church. My mother was married by a priest and a Methodist minister. Her husband and his kids continued to attend mass every Sunday. I think this compromise (if your priest is willing) might be the best solution for your wedding. Mass is not usually done at a co-officiated ceremony.
You two will still need to go through pre-Cana classes together. Your FI does not have to convert to Catholicism.
You need to talk to your priest ASAP and find out what is possible for you, and what consequences there will be for you if you decide to get married outside of the Catholic Church.
They did not share other information about the negatives to getting married at an alternative venue. I will go search some things to find out more info, but I'm not willing to change my venue when I have all of my vendors booked (except the officiant!).
What's more important to you: the ceremony site you've selected or being in Communion with your church?
The officiant is a fairly large and important part of the wedding to delegate to someone else.
Regarding your actual question, check the laws of where you live; some states (W.Va is one) do not allow online-ordained people to perform weddings.
My Mom died in October. She was divorced from her Catholic husband in 1974, and he remarried outside the church. That marriage didn't work out either. I telephoned my ex-stepfather and told him that now he was a widower in the eyes of the Catholic Church, and he could probably get things worked out so that he could partake of the Holy Communion before he died. (He's 90.) He cried. It was important to him.
It's a lot to take in.
I've been baptized and confirmed, but FIs family and friends wouldn't come to a catholic church, which is why it was never a considered location from the beginning... (he's come with me to church but does not want to join)
Please allow me some time to talk with my church about this (HUGE) news they apparently left out.
Good luck, my dear. Talk to your priest ASAP!!!!!!!
Also, no offence, but the bold is bullshit. Whether your FI'S friends/family *want* to attend a Catholic church is irrelevant. If that's what you and your FI decide you want to do, then your friends/family show up, shut up, and smile.
Thank you. I just can't believe no one mentioned this when we've talked about it. I knew it would not be "recognized" as blessed, and that it would not actually be a Sacrament, but no one told me it removes me from the Church.
Your FI's relatives and friends are simply ignorant and mislead about the Catholic church. They may have been (wrongly) taught that Catholics worship idols, or even that they are not Christians at all! Try to be patient with them. Your FI can be of great help here, especially since he has attended mass with you, and knows that lots of this is just misinformation on their part.
You need your priest. He should help you through this.
I think God was watching over you when those first two officiants declined! You might have gone through with your plans, and THEN found out the truth! You have been blessed. Now go say some prayers, and trust in the Lord.
You will be able to attend their ceremonies, but you'll be barred from receiving Communion, which would make religious ed difficult -- how do you explain to your kids why they have to go to Confession and make FHC if you're not participating in the Sacraments yourself?
And I ditto Lynda -- how did you *not* know this? Regardless, yes, this will remove you from Communion with the Church.
(Is there a way to delete threads? This is pretty personal and serious, and while I love your responses, suggestions, and prayer that this all was a blessing in disguise, I'd like for this to hide so others don't continue to wonder why I didn't know.)
And even as intensely personal as it is -- you're not the first bride and you won't be the last who didn't know this. It's OK.
If it makes you feel better, a friend of mine is the director of religious ed for a church and she told me she and her BF had argued about the procedure for having a priest perform a marriage at a parish not his own.
She was like, 'And I told him it was this way and I work for the church so obviously I know what I'm talking about.
I said, 'Actually, you don't, because you're wrong and your BF is right.'
She was shocked.
You are right. This is very serious. You are doing the right thing by going directly to your church for advice. I'm so glad we could help you. Now, go to bed. It isn't too late to fix this.
So if you look at officiants on TK, you might see "the white monks of St. Benedict" from Catholics without a Church. They told me that while they are not ROMAN catholic, they are catholic and have a bishop and if I have one of their priests marry us, they marry us under the Sacrament of Marriage and will not cause me to stop participating in communion. So this is something for me to think about! They will come to my alternative venue and perform a Catholic nuptial ceremony or a marriage rite ceremony, whichever I prefer, and it will be recognized by the Catholic church.
I am very familiar with this group. Don't believe what they told you until you clear it with your priest. Their marriage ceremony isn't recognized any more than any other protestant ceremony is recognized as fulfilling the requirements of the Roman Catholic Church. We used to have a Knottie last year who was always telling Catholic girls to try this, and she was constantly being told that this ceremony would not work for Catholic girls.
Talk to your priest some more. Maybe he can manage a dispensation for you.
http://www.catholicswithoutachurch.org/wedding.html
Here is the significant quote from their website:
"Will my marriage be recognized by the Catholic Church?
If you mean "the one, holy, catholic and apostolic church", the answer is "YES". But Catholics without a Church is not affiliated with the Roman jurisdiction of the Catholic Church. " (End of quote)
"The one, holy, catholic (note the lower case c) and apostolic church" does not mean your Roman Catholic Church. It refers to all christian churches everywhere - Catholic, protestant or Orthodox. No, their ceremony is NOT recognized by your Roman Catholic Church! Catholic literally means universal when it spelled with a lower case c.