Small Wedding Questions

Cruz506 · February 2014

We are planning a very small, intimate wedding. The guest list has been narrowed down to 30 people, only inviting parents, siblings, grandparents, and close friends. We both have large families and inviting family alone would bump our guest list up to 100 people and that is not how we imagined our wedding. My questions are as follows:
-If my mom and MOH were to host a bridal shower for me, would it be bad etiquette to invitie aunts and cousins, even though they are not invited to the wedding? We are both close with our families & I don't want to hurt anyones feelings by completely leaving them out of the celebrations. However, I know it might look classless to recieve an invitation to the shower, but not the wedding. Any suggestions on an alternative OR how to properly word the invitations.
- Also any suggestions as to how to annouce the wedding will be a small ceremony to family and friends that aren't invited?

I think it's a win, win for those not invited because it's one less day they'll have to travel AND one less gift they have to get, but I know not everyone shares that view.
Thank you to all that can help, or atleast provide their input.

jenniferurs · February 2014

Anyone invited to pre-wedding festivities must also be invited to the wedding itself. Otherwise, your shower comes off as gift-grabby.

Hope this helps!

rajahmd · February 2014

First question: anyone invited to pre wedding events must be invited to the wedding. If you don't plan on inviting them to the wedding, you can't invite them to any showers, bachelor (ette) parties, or the like.

Second question: it's general rude to announce who's not invited to a wedding. If someone who you aren't planning to invite asks you about the wedding, just say you're keeping it small. No need to explain anymore. And again, only bring it up if someone asks- don't just bluntly tell someone "you're not invited" if they didn't bring it up first.

Blue_Bird · February 2014

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

Yes, it's inappropriate to invite anyone (even family) to a pre-wedding party, especially a shower, if that person is not invited to the wedding. You should not make any announcement at all to those not invited apart from mailed wedding announcements AFTER you are married. The only reason this should come up would be if someone (rudely) asks when he will receive his invitation. Simply say you are having a very small wedding, and leave it at that. It would be rude to preemptively tell someone he isn't invited. People understand.

AddieCake · February 2014

It's impolite to invite people to wedding related events and not the wedding itself. Don't say anything about the wedding to those not invited, and if they ask about not bing invited, you say you were not able to invite everyone you would have liked.

wrigleyville · February 2014

We also had a small wedding, approximately 40 people. It did wonders for my stress levels as far as planning was concerned, but we did get a lot of, "I can't wait to get my invitation!"

I simply said things like, "We haven't finalized the guest list yet," and then, after invitations went out, I said, "We're keeping it small. We wanted something intimate." Then I'd "bean dip" them, which means change the subject - "We weren't able to invite everyone, unfortunately. Oh, have you tried this bean dip? It's really good."

Some people persisted, even offering to pay for their plate. I was firm, but polite, and explained that we wanted to keep it small. There were some hurt feelings, but really, they were the rude ones for persisting to ask for an invitation.

I didn't talk about the wedding on Facebook. I also set my privacy filters so I had to approve anything posted on my wall and anything I was tagged in.

We didn't send announcements, as I was worried they might be gift grabby (that's my own personal worry; they are not against etiquette, and I have never felt that way when receiving one). I was on the fence about those for a long time. Since we got married in late October, we chose one of our wedding photos to send with our Christmas cards, and then I included a blurb about the wedding (just the date and location) in our letter.

Gerbertmcway · February 2014

I would be offended if I was invited to someone's shower but not the wedding, and i dont consider myself to be an easily offended person. An option that may work would be having some sort of post wedding celebration, something casual, maybe just at your home to celebrate the fact that you are now married.

jenna8984 · February 2014

I am having similar- no aunts/ uncles/ cousins invited because we wanted an intimate feel and to really be able to spend time with everyone in attendance. It makes planning much easier with less guests but it is hard to be confronted by people who assume they are invited. At my SIL's baby shower my aunts were asking all about my dress, saying they couldn't wait to see it...it was very uncomfortable and I kept trying to change the subject to avoid specifically telling them they aren't invited. Be prepared for these awkward moments because you'll have lots of them!! And as others have stated, they can't be invited to your shower, it's all or nothing.

AroundTheBlock · February 2014

Hello Cruz506; welcome to the board (although I imagine you have lurked before) and congratulations on your first post.

The term "shower" means different things to many brides. Technically, of course, it means a party at which gifts for the bride are mandatory, since the very name refers to "showering" the bride with love and with gifts of small household necessities, and since the greater part of the entertainment at a shower is watching the bride open presents. But it also means intimate time spent with the important women in your life, socializing in a way that combines gentle teasing with small transmissions of wisdom, to ease your transition from single life into married life.

Those women who are close to you, are going to have wisdom to impart and are going to be excited about the coming changes in your life, even if they know you are having a private wedding with only your immediate family. And there is no reason why you should not socialize with those women and listen in the months leading up to your wedding. Of course, you cannot imply that you want gifts (as the term "shower" implies) -- and neither should your mother or any other close relative be promoting gifts for you, no matter how many people will be attending your wedding.

On the other hand, there are things you can do that do not violate etiquette. You can invite your aunts and cousins over for tea. As long as you do not mention your wedding on the invitation or use shower-themed invitations, it is not a pre-wedding event, and (if I am any judge of the Aunt Mafia, of whom I am a card-carrying member) your Aunties and cousins will cherish the opportunity to impose their good wifely advice on you and dispense an appropriate degree of gentle teasing, even if you do not bring up your upcoming wedding (as you should not).

Informal conversations with your friends and extended family -- such as those that ensue at afternoon tea, or while chatting on facebook's private message board, and so on -- is the best way to let people know that your wedding will be completely private. You cannot send out any formal announcements of that detail: just as you learned in kindergarten, you should never tell people about a party to which they are not invited. You can mention it obliquely in the context of something else, especially if the other person brings it up. In that case, just keep gluing the word "private" in front of "wedding" or "ceremony" so that you never imply to the person you are discussing it with, that there is any sort of big party that they are being cut out from. And then, after the wedding, you can immediately send out announcements that

"Mr and Mrs Yourparents
have the pleasure to announce that
Cruz506 and Fiance
were married privately on ....

You can send out announcements in your own names instead, if you prefer; and you do not have to reiterate in the announcement that the wedding was private, unless you want to.

I hope you may have a lovely marriage.

Cruz506 · February 2014

This was extremely helpful and I was trying to think of ways to have a bridal "shower", but without the gift part. We really don't even expect gifts. A ladies tea day, or wine tasting may be a great way to show our families we love them and our choice for having an intimate wedding isn't a personal stab at anyone, only what we have pictured. I would just like to offer something for those who may be feeling left out.
The announcement about us getting married after the fact is a wonderful idea as well. I had never thought of the idea, and another way to include people in our great news.
Thank you for the well thought out advice, I really appreciate it.

Fairyjen1 · February 2014

We are having a 20 person wedding, including us. The Venue is hard capping it at that so no one can offer to pay their plate to come. Our families were great about it, it's friends that are disappointed We just tell them we are having an immediate family only wedding at Disneyland and then bean dipping. I've only had one so far cry out 'But you owe us a big party!'

I'm not having any showers because of the small guest list. Aunts and Uncles who want to give you a gift can anyway, many do in my family. If I'm close to the person and they have an immediate family only wedding I have sent a gift to show support. I can celebrate and support a persons wedding without being invited. It's a personal choice though and I don't expect it.

artbyallie · February 2014

@Cruz506, AroundTheBlock gives bad advice. The only way to 'include' or not leave people out from your wedding is to invite them to it. While it is okay to have a non-wedding-related party that non-wedding-guests are invited to, a tea or whatever will likely be interpreted as wedding related and thus the invitees will be disappointed when they do not get wedding invitations.

By all means, send out wedding announcements after your marriage. By all means have a non-wedding-themed party afterwards if you like. But doing stuff pre-wedding usually does link the events together, IME.

Jen4948 · February 2014

Cruz506 said:

We are planning a very small, intimate wedding. The guest list has been narrowed down to 30 people, only inviting parents, siblings, grandparents, and close friends. We both have large families and inviting family alone would bump our guest list up to 100 people and that is not how we imagined our wedding. My questions are as follows:
-If my mom and MOH were to host a bridal shower for me, would it be bad etiquette to invitie aunts and cousins, even though they are not invited to the wedding? We are both close with our families & I don't want to hurt anyones feelings by completely leaving them out of the celebrations. However, I know it might look classless to recieve an invitation to the shower, but not the wedding. Any suggestions on an alternative OR how to properly word the invitations.
This can't be done. It really would hurt people's feelings to be invited to a pre- or post-wedding event but not the wedding itself. If you are so close to your families that you are worried about hurt feelings by not inviting them to the wedding, then I think you need to change your plans. If that's not possible, then you need to accept the fact that someone's feelings may be hurt by not being invited at all.

- Also any suggestions as to how to annouce the wedding will be a small ceremony to family and friends that aren't invited?
Don't mention "small ceremony." Say something like "Sadly, it isn't possible for us to invite everyone we would have liked" without giving a reason why that's the case. If you give a reason, someone feeling hurt will try to put you on the defensive.

I think it's a win, win for those not invited because it's one less day they'll have to travel AND one less gift they have to get, but I know not everyone shares that view.
Thank you to all that can help, or atleast provide their input.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

I think the only time is it okay to have people at a shower who are not invited to the wedding is when it is a church wide or work wide shower.

CMGragain · February 2014

This is what a proper wedding announcement looks like. They are sent AFTER the ceremony.

Brides Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State

That's it. No details. It is sort of like putting it in the newspaper, but more personal for the recipient. This does not mean that they should send you a gift.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

Cruz506 said:

This was extremely helpful and I was trying to think of ways to have a bridal "shower", but without the gift part. We really don't even expect gifts. A ladies tea day, or wine tasting may be a great way to show our families we love them and our choice for having an intimate wedding isn't a personal stab at anyone, only what we have pictured. I would just like to offer something for those who may be feeling left out.

No, I'm sorry, but even this is not appropriate. Anytime you invite someone to any wedding related event, you must also invite them to the wedding. If you want to have a 'just because' party some time after the wedding, that would be fine. But it can in no way, shape, or form be related to the wedding or your marriage. The only way to include them in your day is to invite them to the day itself. Otherwise, you're just reminding them that something special is taking place, and they aren't invited. There's nothing wrong with having the wedding you're planning, but you do need to be prepared that some people will take it personally. You just have to be strong enough to shrug it off and refrain from talking about the wedding AT ALL around these people.

Maybe do something later, if your families haven't met or something - host Easter brunch, a Memorial Day or July 4th barbecue, a Super Bowl party, whatever floats your boat, but keep it completely separate from the wedding.

Gerbertmcway · February 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

Cruz506 said:

This was extremely helpful and I was trying to think of ways to have a bridal "shower", but without the gift part. We really don't even expect gifts. A ladies tea day, or wine tasting may be a great way to show our families we love them and our choice for having an intimate wedding isn't a personal stab at anyone, only what we have pictured. I would just like to offer something for those who may be feeling left out.
No, I'm sorry, but even this is not appropriate. Anytime you invite someone to any wedding related event, you must also invite them to the wedding. If you want to have a 'just because' party some time after the wedding, that would be fine. But it can in no way, shape, or form be related to the wedding or your marriage. The only way to include them in your day is to invite them to the day itself. Otherwise, you're just reminding them that something special is taking place, and they aren't invited. There's nothing wrong with having the wedding you're planning, but you do need to be prepared that some people will take it personally. You just have to be strong enough to shrug it off and refrain from talking about the wedding AT ALL around these people.

Maybe do something later, if your families haven't met or something - host Easter brunch, a Memorial Day or July 4th barbecue, a Super Bowl party, whatever floats your boat, but keep it completely separate from the wedding.

I disagree with the bolded. I don't see why it can't be related to their marriage. A post wedding party would not be a wedding re-do but it certainly would be in celebration of their recent marriage. What's the problem there?

artbyallie · February 2014

Gerbertmcway said:

RebeccaB88 said:

Cruz506 said:

This was extremely helpful and I was trying to think of ways to have a bridal "shower", but without the gift part. We really don't even expect gifts. A ladies tea day, or wine tasting may be a great way to show our families we love them and our choice for having an intimate wedding isn't a personal stab at anyone, only what we have pictured. I would just like to offer something for those who may be feeling left out.
No, I'm sorry, but even this is not appropriate. Anytime you invite someone to any wedding related event, you must also invite them to the wedding. If you want to have a 'just because' party some time after the wedding, that would be fine. But it can in no way, shape, or form be related to the wedding or your marriage. The only way to include them in your day is to invite them to the day itself. Otherwise, you're just reminding them that something special is taking place, and they aren't invited. There's nothing wrong with having the wedding you're planning, but you do need to be prepared that some people will take it personally. You just have to be strong enough to shrug it off and refrain from talking about the wedding AT ALL around these people.

Maybe do something later, if your families haven't met or something - host Easter brunch, a Memorial Day or July 4th barbecue, a Super Bowl party, whatever floats your boat, but keep it completely separate from the wedding.

I disagree with the bolded. I don't see why it can't be related to their marriage. A post wedding party would not be a wedding re-do but it certainly would be in celebration of their recent marriage. What's the problem there?

The problem is that it's not a substitute for being invited to the wedding and that will hurt people's feelings. It will tell them 'you're not good enough to see me get married, but bring me a present anyway.' Even if that's not the true intent, that is how it comes across, as a gift-grab.

Cruz506 · February 2014

allow me to elaborate a little, first off my initial thoughts to host a fun get together with family who aren't invited would be just that, a fun get together where no gifts are given and I feel we have a strong enough relationship with our families to stress that. Again, I'm not interested in gifts all my intent was is to include family in the celebration since our dream has always been to have a very small intimate wedding. I'm not saying this happening or not happening, as I stated in my original post: just looking for opinions on the subject. I also don't see how hosting a "just because" party after the wedding as well wouldn't end up being about the wedding. Families, will be curious, want to see pictures, hear about the day. Isn't it just like an elopement or destination wedding? I understand this is an etiquette board and I am enjoying all the replies, especially the "we did it & this how we went about it" ones since they actually understand the process, but not everything is so black & white.

JellyBean52513 · February 2014

Cruz506 said: allow me to elaborate a little, first off my initial thoughts to host a fun get together with family who aren't invited would be just that, a fun get together where no gifts are given and I feel we have a strong enough relationship with our families to stress that. Again, I'm not interested in gifts all my intent was is to include family in the celebration since our dream has always been to have a very small intimate wedding. I'm not saying this happening or not happening, as I stated in my original post: just looking for opinions on the subject. I also don't see how hosting a "just because" party after the wedding as well wouldn't end up being about the wedding. Families, will be curious, want to see pictures, hear about the day. Isn't it just like an elopement or destination wedding? I understand this is an etiquette board and I am enjoying all the replies, especially the "we did it & this how we went about it" ones since they actually understand the process, but not everything is so black & white.

Stupid box. Anyway, Having a party after your wedding to literally just hang out with your family is fine. If THEY ask about your wedding, by all means talk with them. But if you invite people in a "Come to our party and celebrate our recent marriage!" comes across as "Come celebrate the wedding you weren't invited to!" It's like throwing a birthday party one weekend and then telling people "Come celebrate my recent birthday!" the following weekend. Why didn't they just get invited in the first place, KWIM?

Second of all, hosting parties in the meantime prior to your wedding--whether it's a wine tasting or a Sunday brunch or whatever--with people who aren't invited to "celebrate" with them WILL hurt their feelings. You're asking people to come celebrate a big wonderful occasion in your life that they won't be invited to witness/be a part of, which is asking for a lot of attention. I believe you that your family loves you very much and would love to spend time with you, but it honestly will hurt feelings. If you tie your wedding to any party/event/get-together, it will hurt the people involved if they aren't invited to the actual wedding.

If it were me, I'd simply say to myself "Why am I being invited to this if I'm not even invited to the wedding? I hope she doesn't think I'm bringing a gift." ETA: If you invited me to these little parties BEFORE invites went out and I didn't get one, I would be even more offended. My thought would then be: "Soooo we went to a wine tasting and we went out to brunch to celebrate her wedding and I'm not even invited? WTF did she invite me to those for if she didn't even want me at her wedding?" You're truly treating your family like second-class people in your life, by inviting them to "consolation" parties.

artbyallie · February 2014

You can't ask people not to bring gifts, though. Because that makes it sound like you were expecting them to. And they may very well bring gifts to a post-wedding party, knowing that you were recently married.

specificnorthwest · February 2014

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