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This is more of a vent... but its technically about etiquette

d2vad2va member
100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited February 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So, I decided to do STDs. I set them in 2 batches mainly because the first batch I took to the post office to make sure they were good with forever stamps, but was / am still waiting for a few more addresses to send out the last few so technically will be a total of 3 batches. 

My FI has 3 older sisters around my mothers age (55 ish) they have grown adult children in their 30s, one 17-19 year old, and one who recently got married in October that we gave them a nice gift, took work off, stayed in a hotel to attend their wedding and they put MR. FI and guest when we were already engaged...and still have yet to receive their thank you card.

So I sent an STD addressed to his sister and her husband (I should have just put family because they have that son that I know that lives at home age 17-19) but to be honest, I completely forgot. I had already received the married sons address so their STDs went out in the 2nd batch. I was waiting for their 30 year old daughter to send the address, which she sent to me on Friday afternoon. 

So FI tells me that his sister called "joking" but making a snarky comment about is their daughter invited? I was like WHAAA? Then he told me that she said that she wasnt named on the STD that went to the house and since she lives there... they were "laughing" that she wasnt invited.

UMMMM. Your daughter is 30 years old and shes wondering why shes not named on her parents STD? I would be insulted. Secondly... I had already received her address from the daughter so she clearly knew that she was being invited so I dont know why she / they would make a comment after the fact. 

I dont know how to handle this in the future when I send invitations... should I group their adult children in their invitation? It seems like I offended them by not doing that. 


So confused... so annoyed...still waiting for my f*ing thank you card.
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Re: This is more of a vent... but its technically about etiquette

  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    You did it right.  They are being stupid.  Grown children get their own invites.

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  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    grumbledore said:
    You did it right.  They are being stupid.  Grown children get their own invites.
    Apparently they dont think that way. I kinda want to send a casual fb message to the daughter and say something about that... do you think I should?
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Just laugh it off and not take it too seriously.   One reason why sending in batches within the same group is a bad idea.

    That said, I sent five, yes FIVE invites to the same house on the same day. They arrived at the house over a 3 week span.     They were also joking about how the that last ones must not be invited.     We all just laughed about it and moved on.  Oh and that household was MIL, 2 SILS, 1 BIL and grandma.  Of course they were all invited, it was just funny how the post office delivered the invites considering they all were sent at the same time.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Im thinking of sending this


    " Hey I spoke to FI yesterday and he said that there was some confusion about the STDs. Im sorry if you felt offended, or not invited but usually people who are 18 + get their own invitations so thats why I asked you for your address. So sorry about that! We hppe to see you in August!"
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  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    Just laugh it off and not take it too seriously.   One reason why sending in batches within the same group is a bad idea.

    That said, I sent five, yes FIVE invites to the same house on the same day. They arrived at the house over a 3 week span.     They were also joking about how the that last ones must not be invited.     We all just laughed about it and moved on.  Oh and that household was MIL, 2 SILS, 1 BIL and grandma.  Of course they were all invited, it was just funny how the post office delivered the invites considering they all were sent at the same time.
    lol Im thinking of stuffing 5 invites in one envelope and calling it a day.

    Its just that they are so uppity about everything. ugh
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    d2va said:
    Im thinking of sending this


    " Hey I spoke to FI yesterday and he said that there was some confusion about the STDs. Im sorry if you felt offended, or not invited but usually people who are 18 + get their own invitations so thats why I asked you for your address. So sorry about that! We hppe to see you in August!"
    I would just say "Of course you are invited, we were just waiting on your address to be able to send the STD directly to your home".

    No need to get into the whole over 18+ getting their own invite.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    d2va said:
    Im thinking of sending this


    " Hey I spoke to FI yesterday and he said that there was some confusion about the STDs. Im sorry if you felt offended, or not invited but usually people who are 18 + get their own invitations so thats why I asked you for your address. So sorry about that! We hppe to see you in August!"
    I would just say "Of course you are invited, we were just waiting on your address to be able to send the STD directly to your home".

    No need to get into the whole over 18+ getting their own invite.
    Thanks I took that line out. I felt like that tid bit made it kinda like a lecture. haha
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Yeah, it did.  Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the desire to go that direction.  But is it really necessary?

    Remember don't sweat the small stuff.    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Also, "I'm sorry if you felt offended" is a fake apology.  I don't think you need to send her any message, just get her the save the date.  Do you really know her? If not, your FI should be sending a message (if you really want to tell her something) since it's his family.

    Like lynda, we had invitations going to the same house that were mailed at the same time but arrived staggered.  Like you, OP, that part of my family has to make a big deal over everything and, as soon as they got the first invitation, were on the phone with my mom demanding where the rest were.  
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    d2va said:
    Im thinking of sending this


    " Hey I spoke to FI yesterday and he said that there was some confusion about the STDs. Im sorry if you felt offended, or not invited but usually people who are 18 + get their own invitations so thats why I asked you for your address. So sorry about that! We hppe to see you in August!"
    I'd honestly probably just leave it alone.  They will figure it out when they get the save the date.  And frankly they are being weird.

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  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    jessicabessica said:
    Also, "I'm sorry if you felt offended" is a fake apology.  I don't think you need to send her any message, just get her the save the date.  Do you really know her? If not, your FI should be sending a message (if you really want to tell her something) since it's his family.

    Like lynda, we had invitations going to the same house that were mailed at the same time but arrived staggered.  Like you, OP, that part of my family has to make a big deal over everything and, as soon as they got the first invitation, were on the phone with my mom demanding where the rest were.  

    grumbledore said:
    d2va said:
    Im thinking of sending this


    " Hey I spoke to FI yesterday and he said that there was some confusion about the STDs. Im sorry if you felt offended, or not invited but usually people who are 18 + get their own invitations so thats why I asked you for your address. So sorry about that! We hppe to see you in August!"
    I'd honestly probably just leave it alone.  They will figure it out when they get the save the date.  And frankly they are being weird.
    They told FI to not send the STD and he told them we wouldnt... so thats why I sent the message. 
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  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    d2va said:

    So, I decided to do STDs. I set them in 2 batches mainly because the first batch I took to the post office to make sure they were good with forever stamps, but was / am still waiting for a few more addresses to send out the last few so technically will be a total of 3 batches. 


    My FI has 3 older sisters around my mothers age (55 ish) they have grown adult children in their 30s, one 17-19 year old, and one who recently got married in October that we gave them a nice gift, took work off, stayed in a hotel to attend their wedding and they put MR. FI and guest when we were already engaged...and still have yet to receive their thank you card.

    So I sent an STD addressed to his sister and her husband (I should have just put family because they have that son that I know that lives at home age 17-19) but to be honest, I completely forgot. I had already received the married sons address so their STDs went out in the 2nd batch. I was waiting for their 30 year old daughter to send the address, which she sent to me on Friday afternoon. 

    So FI tells me that his sister called "joking" but making a snarky comment about is their daughter invited? I was like WHAAA? Then he told me that she said that she wasnt named on the STD that went to the house and since she lives there... they were "laughing" that she wasnt invited.

    UMMMM. Your daughter is 30 years old and shes wondering why shes not named on her parents STD? I would be insulted. Secondly... I had already received her address from the daughter so she clearly knew that she was being invited so I dont know why she / they would make a comment after the fact. 

    I dont know how to handle this in the future when I send invitations... should I group their adult children in their invitation? It seems like I offended them by not doing that. 


    So confused... so annoyed...still waiting for my f*ing thank you card.

    Pardon my stupid phone's inability to bold or quote properly. It has an attitude and will be spending time in phone timeout.

    For the part where you said that you should've just put "family" on there. Good for you for not. Putting it on there would've likely opened a whole can of worms with various definitions of "family". Anywhere from "Grandpa's family so he must be invited" to "Joe (second cousin a million times removed) can come because they're inviting the whole family" or even "Well, Wendy is our next-door neighbor but she's practically family, so she can come". You get my drift.
    And if the 17-19 year old is over eighteen, he should've gotten he's own STD and should get his own invite. Since it sounds like you're not sure how old he is, I would err on the side of caution and give him his own invite (and invite his SO if applicable).
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I thought it was acceptable to send 1 STD if multiple adults lived at the same house. They should get their own invite though.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    laurynm84 said:

    I thought it was acceptable to send 1 STD if multiple adults lived at the same house. They should get their own invite though.

    Nope. The rules of treating adults correctly apply with any mailed correspondence.
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